At first there was adrenaline. Then there was realization. Now there's just... nothing. Why can't you see, I'm broken. I'm lost and you can't see that there's no one left to save. I'm a shell of myself, empty inside.

You just expect me to get over it, like it's some rejection from a crush, or an F on a test. This is bigger than that. Where do I go? What do I do?

People say life is a roller-coaster, that it's full of ups and downs. I've never understood that. People talk about this thing called happiness. That warm feeling they get after helping someone, that thing that you feel after doing something worth something to another. I've never understood that either. Do people actually feel that?

Everyday, I hear 'are you okay?' 'how was your day?' and think: Of course I'm not, but do you actually expect me to answer that! No, you want me to tell you I'm fine! You don't care how I feel! You want me to answer that I'm okay so you can go about your day! You don't really care, nobody does! Why would they? They don't know me, and neither do you! So don't waste your breath asking!

The 5 stages of grief: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. That's a lie, there's no denial, they're dead, you know it. You don't get angry, you blame yourself, not others. There's nothing to bargain, the closest you get to that is wanting to kill yourself to be with them. Depression was already there, now you've become numb. Finally, acceptance, you can't just accept the fact that they're gone, you live with the guilt, the pain, for the rest of your life. That's grief.

So here are the 5 stages of grief, my grief: Realization, self-hatred, suicidal thoughts, numbness, ever-lasting guilt.