It's official I lost him. I lost him to someone who will make him happier than I ever will. I hope they are happy together. God I just wish the best for him. I hope he doesn't hurt her like he hurt me. I hope he makes her as happy as he made me-wait no happier. I hope he makes her happier than he ever, ever made me. They deserve happiness together. I just wish I could be the one that makes him happy but I'm not. I want him to be happy with all of my soul and heart and everything I have to give-but I want to be the reason he is happy, however I'm not. I never was. I never will be. It's okay though. I'm used to it. I'm numb to the pain as I would normally say. However this time it hurts a little bit more. Who am I kidding? It hurts a lot more. God-oh god, how much it hurts to know he moved on so fast. Less than one week and he already fucked another girl. Already said "I love you" to her and everything. The worst part is the same day I was taken advantage of. I could've stopped him from doing it. I could've walked to his house and kissed him but I didn't. I didn't and now I'm the one to blame. It's my fault. It's my fucking fault. God I'm so stupid. As much as I talk shit about him and act like I don't care I do. I care. I still care. And it kills me so much to care this much. It's worst than dying. It's worst than wishing to die. It's worst than cutting. I say this because when you are dying, there is an end, when you want to die, there are medications to help, when you cut / self harm, there is a physical pain and you can get help; but you can't end your heart ache, you can't take medications to help with the pain, and you can't get help for it, you can't see it physically but holy fuck you can certainly feel it. You can feel your whole body rack with sobs and hear your screams at night when you wake up realising your nightmares have come true. Yet I only have one nightmare, Losing him. I say nightmares because yes I still fear losing my other my family and friends, but he promised he would stay. You can't run from it because every time you close your eyes they're all you see. And the saddest part is everyone around you is trying their hardest to make you happy and trying to help you forget that person but late at night when you are all alone and it's dark in your room you overthink. You overthink and wish you were dead. You overthink and wish you had them to calm you down. You overthink and blame yourself. You overthink and end up crying. That's why love is such a cold hearted bitch; ironic right? I thought it might be like this. But I never thought it would be this bad until it was too late.