THIS IS SATIRE

~~

I pulled on my black skinny jeans and smudged the black eyeliner around my eyes before running my fingers through my greasy black hair.

"God, another day," I grumbled. "Another day of my life as an atypical teenage gay boy getting bullied for being gay while doing nothing about it because there's absolutely no solutions. I also have seven different self-diagnosed mental illnesses for which I show basically no symptoms of other than being sad."

"Hey, fag, it's time for school," my drunk, abusive father said when he opened my door.

I didn't say anything, just pulled on my dirty converse.

"By the way, I hate you for killing your mom," he said. "How dare you let her die during childbirth from cancer while in a car accident."

My dad walked out and I sighed. No one understood my pain.

I walked to school because my family didn't have money for a car but I don't know why I didn't just bus to school.

And then I saw him.

Frank Iero.

My bully.

He was so mean to me and called me cruel names and beat me up and I love him so much for it.

"Look, it's a faggot!" He shouted, shoving me into a locker.

Oh my god he touched me.

His glistening green orbs were so beautiful.

"What a fucking loser," he said.

All the staff turned their heads because everyone in the world hated me and was against me no matter what.

Frank was short. Super short. Like a midget. Despite being average height and only a couple inches shorter than me, everyone says he's the shortest person ever. He also had skunk hair and wore skeleton gloves and crossed Xs over his eyes. He was so emo. Everyone wanted to be like him. Even the jocks were jealous of him and the cheerleaders all fell for him and his completely arrogant personality.

Instead of going to class I skipped to sit on the bleachers. I'm not sure why I stayed on campus where I would get in trouble but this was the cool place to hang out. Especially with my best friend Ryan.

He was my only friend other than Princess Fro Fro.

He was gay. He was so gay. The most flamboyant gay ever. Today he was wearing rainbow skinny jeans and just a glittery pink bowtie with no shirt. He also had so much makeup on he looked like a painting.

"Oh my god, you are like so totally in love," he said.

I pulled out a cigarette and put the cancer stick between my lips before lighting it.

Despite only being sixteen and in high school I was somehow always able to get my hands on cigarettes and alcohol despite it being illegal.

"Oh no, it's Bert McCracken," Ryan said.

Bert came over, pouring his hot coffee on my head.

"I'm the biggest jerk alive just because everyone thinks I am and I do really mean stuff because I have no life so instead I just want to ruin yours," he said. "Loser."

He stormed off, back into the school to probably cause more trouble and pull random girls' ponytails because he is the biggest jerk alive.

"Oh no, I forgot I have to go have sex with Brendon, Frank's best friend, in the bathrooms," Ryan said. "Because I am gay and I love dick."

He walked off, strutting his hips as he went. He was gone for almost five minutes before Frank came over.

"What a fag," he said, pushing me up against the wall.

How did we get against a wall? We were just on the bleachers oh no the author must've forgotten a transition.

We were so close, his breath smelled like coffee and cigarettes. It was delicious.

And then he kissed me.

It was like magic.

"I've always secretly loved you but I don't know how to express my gay feelings so instead I beat you up because of it," he said.

"You're gay?" I asked.

"I'm not gay, I like pussy," he denied.

"I love you so much Frank despite the fact that you're both physically and verbally abusive to me but I find your aggression and anger so attractive," I said.

"We can't be boyfriends but we can be fuck buddies in secret," he said. "But I love you so much but I also still have to beat you up in front of my friends and we can't go on dates or to events together but I guess we can sext sometimes."

"I love that deal and I will die for you," I said.

"Gerard, will you give me a blowjob?" He asked.

I nodded and got down onto my knees despite the fact that we were still outside where everyone can see us.

I have never even kissed a boy but I gave a perfect blowjob for Frank that had him moaning my name. I also swallowed perfectly before smiling and standing up.

"That was a cool experience," I said.

"We can go to my house later and fuck," he said.

"What about your parents?" I asked.

"My idiot dad left us after having an affair because I wasn't a good enough son and my poor mother works so hard as a single mom that she's never home and we're dirt poor I have no clean underwear," he said. "But I always have money for cigarettes and overpriced coffee."

"That sounds like a good time," I said.

We went back inside where Frank slapped me and shoved me into a locker.

God I love him.

At his house later that day we had the sex and it was my first time ever doing that I have barely even touched myself but I was able to last a long time before coming. And the author purposely spells coming wrong so her story doesn't get flagged as inappropriate.

We smoked cigarettes in bed and drank beer before I walked home. My dad was drunk in his recliner.

"Hey, fag, were you out with your boyfriend?" He asked. "Thats gay, I hate gay people. I'll show you what gay is."

The author chose to leave this part out for obvious reasons as he does unspeakable things to his son for being gay which in itself is very gay so it doesn't really make a lot of sense that he would do it.

I later on went to my room to cry. No one understood my life.

And then I threw up and immediately went to the doctors where I found out I was pregnant with Frank's baby despite being male and giving no real explanation on how it was possible for a male human to get pregnant, the author just brushes over the idea because this is fanfiction not real life shut up.

I cried as I told Frank and he accepted it without any question. And then we ran away together to New York where we raised twenty dogs and our children that we all gave weird names to just because we're emo and so they automatically have to be emo and weird too.

AND THEN

Bert came and tracked us down and decided to try and ruin our lives because he is the biggest jerk alive but my millions of dogs attacked him and so did Frank because Frank was still an angry midget. And BErt was arrested so we got to live in peace.

And this is where the author doesn't really know how to end a story so she just ends it on me reminiscing about my life because there really is no significant meaning to anything written here. That's it. That's the story.