When Dakota dropped me off, I was surprised to see Ryder sitting on my porch. It was a better option than my mother being in that exact position a couple hours ago to say the least.

"You have a key," I reminded him after I exited Dakota's truck, noticed neither Andrew nor Cassandra was home, and approached the house. "Unless Zander hasn't returned it."

"No, I know," he sighed as I continued to unlock the door. I stepped inside, but noticed he didn't follow me in. "I just didn't know if I had your permission."

It was kind of him to think of something so small and petty when he was the boy intruding on my residence the first time we actually met. Maybe it was better that he was providing more reservation...because I still felt a level of hesitance with the two of us being alone.

"As long as you aren't a vampire..." I tried to humor before gesturing for his entrance. We began walking, but differed in our intended end points. I stood towards the direction of the stairs leading to the loft and he lingered by the couch in the living room. "If we're gonna do this, it needs to be upstairs so no one walks in."

When I said it, it sounded totally derogatory—like we were teenagers in an arrangement to have sex all over the place. But he knew what I meant. My main point was that I didn't want either Andrew or Cassandra to walk in and immediately condemn an assumed murderer.

"Maybe they should walk in," he returned, making me think even more that he was innocent. But of course, for whatever giving mood he was in, he surrendered and followed me upstairs. However, when I made it to my door, I stopped abruptly and he ran into my back. I quickly threw my backpack into my room and shut the door once more before turning around. Ryder was inches from me, so close I could feel his heartbeat against my chest. He even reached a hand up to press a hand to my cheek, but I lightly rejected his affection.

"We'll stay out here," I muttered and took a seat on the couch. I realized that nothing came good out of us sitting here. The last time was when I had been mauled by Preston and Ryder was under some belief that maybe it was me who killed his dad. And here we were...me thinking that he killed Preston.

He sat on the opposite end of the couch with his arm outstretched on its back like he usually did when I cuddled up next to him. But we were feet apart unfortunately. His arm eventually coiled to his side and he sat at the edge of his seat with both feet flat on the floor and his hands clasped between his knees. Then he looked over at me.

"So did you make a list of all the things you want to say to me?" he asked and feigned a breathy laugh.

How could I when I've been worried about how the hell my mother got to Tyriette? I thought to myself stupidly before confirming there was definitely a lock between our telepathy. I ended up pushing it to the side and hoping Ryder had the common courtesy to let me speak instead of going off of my mind.

"Yes," I answered anyways and caused him to nod.

"Good," he said and then sat back on the couch. I've missed talking to you, I heard him think and I wondered just how much of a control he had between our minds if I was already trying so hard to block him out. "But I'm going to explain everything first before any questions if that's okay."

"That's fine," I said absently, but now my mind was wandering with thoughts of where my mom could be now or if Ryder wolf could smell my apprehension drenching everything.

"Hey," he finally said and there was a calm dissipation of grief that withered away. I also noticed he briefly put his hand on my knee. I pushed my mom from my mind and focused on us because I could tell his wolf was restless with the thought that I was checked out and distracted. Him being right about that made me feel even guiltier. I looked at him in his sad, brown eyes. "I'm not going to bullshit you, Ash."

"Good," I stammered and then he pulled away his hand. Thoughts about my mother immediately came flooding back, so even when Ryder began to stammer and stutter some sort of beginning, I reached my hand over to grab his. He paused, smiled lightly, and let the same relaxation I had serve him now for my own selfish reasons of not wanting to preoccupy my mind about my mom. This wasn't at all about her.

"When you went to sleep the night of the full moon, I started to read the alpha book," he began. "I learned that I had the ability to absorb pain and break mountain ash circles and...and kill whoever was guilty enough without getting my title revoked," he explained and then his eyes looked down instead of at me. "Destiny or the Order or Fate wanted me to be True Alpha for a reason—because they had some grand hope that I was a good person."

"A good person who fights with his best friend, ignores his mate, and kills his beta?" I wanted to ask, but held my tongue.

"So when Colin called and told me Stella didn't phase, I still decided that she had a right to know about everything I did to her because if I deserved...this...then she deserved the truth," he finished. "And then, obviously, you know that we had that huge blow up."

"What does that have to do with you ignoring me?" I asked selfishly. He looked over.

"It doesn't," he finally admitted in a sigh. "I was trying to figure out myself and get a hold on Stella hating me and Preston escaping and the pack asking questions. But even above all of that, I was supposed to just believe that the Order thinks I am supposed to be the highest character amongst everyone here. Even though I knew I couldn't just reject the title, I was between accepting it and pushing the boundaries...and whatever I chose, I didn't want you involved with it to backfire on. But that only made me hate myself because who was I to question who I was in any capacity that could put you in jeopardy? Hell, I had to watch my goddamn brother kiss and force himself on you for me to snap out of it."

But he didn't snap out of it. He kept being aloof.

"When I came to your house that night, when you were crying, I didn't come to break up with you or cause a fight. I was there to check on you, but you were already crying..." he retold and I felt his heartbeat speed up in anxiety before his eyes met mine. "Everything we talked about that night was true; no matter how it came out...I thought that if you really wanted me gone, then I'd keep my distance despite my wolf trying to convince me that what you said was just in the heat of the moment."

I remembered him explaining that mates were justifiably irrational...that I scared him and excited him at the same time...that loving me made him stronger. It was all uplifting until...until he backtracked and flat-out told me he didn't want me to experience his repercussions. But I didn't hear him then...all I heard were alarms of him chickening out of a relationship with no reason, when he had a pretty darn good one.

Love me. Go away, I had told him as an angry response. But even then, he didn't stay away for long.

"Then your cousin got to town—who I didn't know was your cousin—and I don't know. I lost it," he produced a breathy, embarrassed laugh. "It didn't matter if we were together or not. You were mine and I didn't like some other guy swooping in on you. I was pissed and honestly wanted to just rip the guy's throat out—even Colin asked to do it for me, but I had to control myself because if you were happier with someone else, then I had to accept that."

"Is that why you were at my house when I was leaving to take Ollie to the airport?" I asked. Ryder produced another breathy chuckle and looked over at me with a glimmer in his eye.

"No," he admitted. "I had a moment of throwing out whatever good-person bullshit I was trying to act and decided that I wanted my girl back and I would put up a fight for you. But I got there and saw him there too and just froze."

I also remembered quickly introducing them, pulling Ollie into the car, and driving off after seeing Ryder's heartbroken expression.

"Andrew invited me in and I just wanted to know if everything was fine with you before I left. I didn't ask questions about Oliver or whatever. I think Andrew enjoyed the sick irony of it, but it wasn't my business," he frowned and looked away once more. "Preston was though. I had lost him when I went to your house, but when I finally picked up his trail again, I realized you had come back to town and then the whole fire thing happened."

He pulled his hand away from mine and I was immediately hit with questions about not only the fire, but about what my mother would think of my mate. Did my dad ever act like Ryder at all? If he did, was that why she left? Where was she even at right now? Why would she choose now to come back? UGH.

"I want to say I'm sorry for not taking you to the hospital," Ryder continued, but I was distracted. "I just knew that Zander would've killed Preston if I left him alone with him and I would've been too furious to actually help you if I left..."

"It's fine," I frowned and knew Ryder identified my response as an emotionless response. That was before all of my mother-worrying was replaced by him pushing memories into my head about me finding him at the Everton house before we reconciled and had sex. But my mind was intent on something else and surprised the both of us when I pushed him right back out of my hippocampus abruptly.

"I'm sorry—"

"It's not you," I assured while I stood and I recognized that my wolf hadn't growled about him being in my mind to remind me of our tender moment. She was barking at me for not being honest right now.

"What do you mean?" Ryder asked and stood with me. I paced a small few steps and felt my temples throbbing. "Hey," he whispered before capturing my waist lightly. My eyes stayed on his navy shirt.

"I need to tell you something," I mumbled and my eyes found a way to meet his patient ones. "I appreciate you being honest tonight with me, but..."

"What's going on?" he asked in a concerned manner.

"I think I need to tell you what's been going on with me since I've been back—especially today," I revealed. I had told him I was always honest with him because I had nothing to hide, but I was wrong. I was hiding a mother-sized secret from him and it wasn't fair for him to spill his reasons for the past three weeks when I was distracted with my own issues.

"If your feelings have changed about me then just tell me, Ashlynn."

"It's not that," I lied because accepting your mate as a murderer was definitely a change. "That woman who was here earlier...I know her."

"What do you mean you know her?" Ryder asked more offended that I was in association with her than the fact that I lied. He grabbed my head now. I saw his protection grow like the widths of his eyes. "Did she say something to you or hurt you—"

"She's my mom," I revealed. Three seconds passed before Ryder had let go of his hold on me and stepped back. "I lied about not knowing her because after my whole life of her being gone, I actually don't know her. I'm sorry, but what was I supposed to say? I went my whole life thinking she was dead and then Cassandra said my father just sent her off to be safe—which is why you found me crying—and then I saw her at Ollie's wedding in Florida so that's why I ran back as a wolf so maybe she'd be off my trail, but now she's here—"

"Babe, calm down," Ryder said before I noticed my heart rate increasing along with my breaths and overwhelming anxiety of it all. He grabbed my shoulders and had me sit on the couch. I watched him search my face to find an appropriate answer.

"I'm sorry if you were worried about some intruder all afternoon all because I was being a coward—" my apology was interrupted when he pulled me into him for a hug.

"Stop apologizing," he told me in the hold, but I was picking up something other than complete safety in his arms. I could almost hear wheels turning in his head. "Is she why you've been acting how you've been?"

"What's that mean?" I asked, pulling away. I acted the same. He was the one acting like the rebel he was before I got to town...only worse.

"You've been allied with my brother on more than one occasion. You've been keeping Andrew at a distance. You went to a party for once. You're not begging for answers to everyone's questions—"

"Maybe that's because everyone seems to believe you killed someone, not because of my absent mother," I interrupted and heard him sigh. This, right here, was what I really wanted to talk about. "I'm okay with Zander because we're both worried about you, and he seems to think I need to just accept what you did so I don't hold it against you so we can be fine and in love and shit. Andrew being distanced is a two way street. I went to a party to take care of Bailee for Evan and you for Colin and Trevor. And I'm not asking questions because I'm scared of the answers."

The two of us sat and stared at each other before one of us gave up.

"So ask me now," he suggested because he already knew my inquiries. "Ask me if I killed Preston."

Do it, he even commanded in a thought between us. "Ask me," he repeated with a higher volume. His fierce eyes didn't once falter, but I sure as hell flinched.

"Did you kill Preston?"

"Yes," he answered almost as emotionless as when I said "it's fine," whenever he transgressed. He even said it before I completely finished the question. But I couldn't doubt him now. He was admitting it with not even a tear of remorse in his eyes despite how much he acted out in guilt with his partying and dangerous behavior.

"Okay then," was all I replied.

"Don't be like that," Ryder frowned.

"Like what?"

"I don't even know," he said. "I don't know if you're mad at me or not, or if you still want—"

"I'm not mad at you," I interrupted. "Preston killed your dad and attacked me, Aaron, and Stella. I can't be mad for what he deserved."

"Yes you can."

"Well I'm not," I said truthfully, but I could tell he wasn't convinced. But I didn't have the heart to go on this back and forth thing with him like I did with Zander. He said he did it, so he did it. I already accepted that I would still love him no matter what he did so that's it. Ryder looked at me, still expecting me to lash out or something. "I'm just glad you told me the truth."

"Yeah..."

"And I suppose that's why you've been acting out like you have," I added to try and turn the conversation. "Because you're upset that you had to kill your best friend or maybe that the alpha book was right about what you can do."

"Yeah."

"'Yeah,'" I mimicked before he finally stood up.

"Okay no. I thought Zander was crazy when he said you were indifferent, but I know you, Ashlynn," he said. "I need you to be mad at me or something."

"Today you said that there was nothing wrong with us as a 'normal couple,'" I reminded. "So if I'm not mad at you, then leave it alone. Isn't that what normal couples do? Not concern themselves with supernatural execution?"

"Ash—"

"Shouldn't you have something actually relationship related to say to me?" I accused while standing and crossing my arms. I knew exactly how to change the subject.

"Meaning what?" he winced.

"I don't know," I retorted. Oh boy, here we go. "You and I had sex a week after you said you wanted to wait and then you're immediately accused of murder and then a week later, you're acting like this."

Great. Now my girl-side was showing its insecurities I had blabbed to Colin. That's how desperate I was for him to drop this conversation about murder repercussions. It didn't matter if the hit was supposed to be how reckless Ryder's actions were because at the end of the day, he was a boy and he was my mate and he latched onto the phrase "you and I had sex" more than the rest. But my wolf knew exactly what she was doing by bringing it up because his distraction was paramount.

"Is that what this is really about?"

"What, I'm encouraged to be mad about murder but not about getting left naked in a house by myself...again?" I pressed. Now, Ryder pressed his lips together in anger towards himself because I knew that was a hit below the belt that he took against himself. I bet it hurt him to leave me in the first place and here I was, bringing it up. "I told you I didn't regret it, but I don't know if—"

But suddenly, he grabbed my waist roughly and pulled me into him.

"I don't regret it," he interjected. Once again, his eyes were pure and honest. But they softened after a second. "I'm sorry I had to leave you, I really am, but you have to believe me. I'm not a sleazy guy who would leave you because I 'got what I wanted.' You'd already given me way more of you than your body before that night for you to believe that. You and I both know that. It goes both ways." His eyes looked at both of mine, restlessly until I gave up my false attempt at accusing him of anything malicious. But then we were both hearing the key in the lock turn downstairs and he let go of me to begin walking towards the window. Even after opening it, he lingered in his exit to look back at me. "It was the best night of my life, Ashlynn."

Mine too, I thought, but I didn't know if it reached him until he smiled effortlessly.

"I'll pick you up tomorrow," he offered. "After all, I dismantled your car," he finally and explicitly admitted before winking at me and leaping down. And I let the infuriating boy steal my heart with him.