Life Goes On — BTS

Kabanata 40

Nawindang ang buong araw ko nang may tumawag sa akin para i-send ang isang link ng isang video. I had a bad experience with vlogs and it immediately made my stomach churned.

Tinawagan ko pa si Etienne para silipin kung ano'ng klaseng video 'yon. If it was detrimental, I'll immediately delete it. Hindi ko na papanoodin. Although I was positive that words from others cannot hurt me anymore, iba pa rin ang epekto nito sa akin. I could still plummet down and the self esteem that I've built for years will be put into ruins.

"It's a vlog from Mila," ani Etienne habang pinapanood ang video. I could hear the familiar voice of a woman on his line, kaya naman nasabi kong nanonood siya ng isang video.

I was biting my nails in frustration as I was listening to him on the other line. Patuloy ang pagtatahip-tahip ng dibdib dahil sa kaba at sa takot na baka maulit muli ang naranasan ko noon.

"It's an apology video, Paulene."

Nayanig ang buong sistema ko sa binitawang pahayag ni Etienne. I slowly covered my mouth because of shock and I took my phone to check the video myself.

It really was an apology video from Mila. May pamagat itong 'Truths and nothing but the truth' at agad ko itong pinindot para mapanood. I gulped as I consumed every little word that she said on her video. She looked remorseful and she was even bare.

"Hello, this is Mila. Before I proceed, please don't attack my daughter and husband for this. Ako lang po ang may kasalanan. Ako na lang po ang pagbuntunan n'yo. My family is not involved here."

Malalim siyang huminga bago magpatuloy. I saw her tears slowly forming as she directly look at the screen.

"Years ago, I accused someone of betraying me and let my fans harshly attacked her on the internet. Totoo man na nasaktan ako, I was young and careless back then. My personal issues shouldn't be on aired with others. Lalo na sa mga taong hindi alam ang konteksto nito."

Mila halted and licked her lips. Agad n'yang pinunasan ang luhang pumatak mula sa kan'yang mata.

"I want to sincerely apologized for what I have done. It was clearly a misunderstanding between the both of us and instead of making it clear to her that I did not intend to get everything from her, mas pinalala ko lang. I'm so sorry, Pauletta Jayne Angeles. I do not know if I deserve your forgiveness but I'm saying this anyway. I'm sorry. I'm deeply sorry for what happened between the both of us."

I checked the comments and saw that everyone was praising her for the bare minimum. She was being eulogized in the comment section. She was hailed as someone who is forgiving and also acknowledges her own faults. Ang totoo ay inaasahan ko na ito sa kanila. Hindi naman nila pwedeng iwan sa ere ang iniidolo nila. Of course, there were a few who turned the tables because of what Mila said.

Random2345: Imagine the trauma and the effect of what you did, Mila. Hindi mo man lang naisip 'yong pinsan mo. Selfish ka.

MilaSupports: This is disappointing! Isa ako sa mga nakakita kung gaano dinumog 'yong pinsan mo tapos ngayon ka lang nagsalita? I'm going to unstan you!

TeresitaMa: Naku, tapos di pa pinagtanggol ng sarili n'yang mama 'yong pinsan mo? Aba, sa pagkakatanda ko ay parang tuta kung bumuntot 'yong tita mo sa 'yo. Walang kwenta namang magulang 'yon!

The attention was diverted to Mama because she blatantly supported Mila when I was being castigated by Mila's supporters. Hindi ko inakala na magiging trending topic pa si Mama sa mga social media dahil dito. Nasira ang perpekto n'yang imahe sa mga madla at kahit sa mga fans ni Mila na sobra siyang hinahangaan bilang mother figure ni Mila.

The perfect reflection in the mirror that Mama created to be viewed by most was easily shattered to pieces. Just like that. In just a blink. Nasira siya. The power of social media.

Papa called me several times after the video came out, tinanong kung ano ba ang nangyayari at bakit natatakot si Mama lumabas ng bahay ngayon. Nahahabag daw ang buntot at hindi mapakali sa kan'yang kwarto.

"Samahan mo muna siya, Pa. Mainit ang ulo ng tao sa kan'ya ngayon, huwag muna kayong lumabas." I sighed on the call. Papa also reechoed my action, halatang naging problemado bigla.

I don't think Mama deserves the hate but what I learned about social media during the time I was constantly being bashed; everything is fleeting in this cyberworld. Hindi araw-araw ay ikaw ang magiging topic. May mga tumatagal pero nagwawakas pa rin. Albeit, what you post in the internet stays in the internet— not everyone will remember it or not everyone will stay interested.

I told Papa to not let anyone in. At kung pupwede ay ako na lang ang magbibigay sa kanila ng groceries. Although Papa needs to go to work, hindi naman siya nadamay sa galit dahil hindi naman talaga naging close si Papa at Mila. My Papa is just really shy, kaya hindi masyadong nakikihalubilo pero mabait naman ito. Hindi naman ako mananatili sa kan'ya kung hindi n'ya ako tinatratong tama.

I figured that maybe this was the karma. But I didn't ask for it anymore. Ni hindi ko na nga inaasahan na maalala pa nila ang nagawa nila sa akin. Yet, it brought peace to me that Mila finally apologized. A huge thorn on my heart was successfully removed. Yet, it's still bleeding but there's no thorns anymore. Gano'n pala talaga kapag gusto mo na rin magpatawad. It becomes more easy for you to accept it.

Sumapit ang linggo ay binalak kong magsimba pagkatapos kong manggaling kay Etienne para mag-sumite ng resignation letter. I wanted to focus on Arya's company, lalo na at lumalaki ang shares na hawak ko. No'ng huling usap namin ni Arya ay balak pa nga n'yang gawin akong vice president pero pinagiisipan ko pa.

It's a huge opportunity.

Ang layo na pala talaga ng narating ko.

I sat on one of the wooden benches used for the church. Nag-alay ako ng isang dasal para pasalamatan Siya at para patawarin na si Mama sa mga nagawa n'ya sa akin. I don't want her to suffer. Ni hindi ko hiningi na sana ay bumalik lahat ng ginawa n'ya sa akin sa kan'ya. I just want peace between us, mukhang malabo pa ito pero wala namang imposible. But maybe, this is just not the right time. Not even the right life.

Palabas na ako ng simbahan dahil tumunog na ang kampana para sa susunod na misa nang namataan ang isang pamilyar na mukha. Tita Glory was laughing meekly with Gabrijel on her side, tulad noon ay pormal ang kanilang mga damit. Halatang mga nasa alta sosyedad. Both of them darted their sight on me.

Ngumiti sa akin si Tita Glory at agad ko naman itong sinuklian.

I didn't hold any grudges against her. Alam ko naman na sinabi lang n'ya 'yon noon dahil may pakialam din siya sa akin lalo na sa kan'yang anak. I was obviously dependent on Gio and I didn't have any plans on my own. I was probably the worst nightmare when it comes to being a potential daughter-in-law.

Wala siyang kasalanan kung bakit kami nagkahiwalay ni Gio. It was my choice to leave him. It is true that I was deeply affected by her words but I also know that she only followed her instincts as a mother. Ayaw n'ya lang madamay noon si Gio sa amin at hindi rin talaga tuwid ang mga desisyon ko noon.

"Paulene," bati ni Tita Glory.

"Tita, kamusta ka po?" tipid kong ngiti sa kan'ya.

"I'm good. I pray that you are as well," aniya. Pasimpling ngumiti rin sa akin si Gabrijel na nasa tabi ni Tita.

We didn't talk that much but I could see in her eyes that she wanted to tell me something, perhaps she wanted to apologized for the words that she told me way before. Pero hindi naman na kailangan. Nauna si Tita Glory papunta sa parking lot kung nasaan ang sundo nila. I watched her as she slowly vanished from my sight, naiwan si Gabrijel sa aking harapan.

I can never hate Tita Glory, not even a bit. When Gio and I were dating, she never made me feel like an outcast and she was kind to me. Kaya alam kong hindi rin naman n'ya ginustong masaktan ang damdamin ko nang sabihin n'ya 'yon. I understand her.

Dumadating na lang talaga tayo sa punto kung saan naiintindihan natin na hindi lahat ng masasakit na salita ay masama. Some words are as sharp as knives but it is not meant to hurt us; it also sharpens us to be better individuals.

Dahil kadalasan kapag tayo'y nasasaktan, natututo tayo.

"Paulene," Gabrijel smiled gently. "Okay na ba kayo ni Gio?"

"Naguusap na kami pero. . ." I laughed awkwardly.

I know that I truly loved him, because up until now all I can feel is being proud that despite of his own struggles — he managed to survive and prove that he can still be himself despite of how broken I left him. I am proud of him even if we can't be together anymore.

"Paulene, bukas ba ang perya ngayon?" tanong ni Gabrijel na nagpakunot ng aking noo.

"Hindi ako sigurado," sagot ko. Matagal na nang huli akong pumunta sa perya na malapit sa amin. Hindi ko nga alam kung bukas pa ba 'yon o ano.

"Maybe, you can check it for me?" Gabrijel gave another knowing smile as if he knows something.

Wala akong nagawa kundi tumango at pumayag. Wala na rin naman akong gagawin sa bahay mamaya. At wala namang mawawala sa akin kung sisilipin ko ang isa sa mga lugar na nagbigay ng kulay noon sa madilim kong gabi.

I could vividly remember the purple hues and how it shines whenever Gio and I rode the ferris wheel. Buhay pa kaya 'yong ferris wheel na 'yon? At nandoon pa kaya si Manong na nagbabantay sa shooting rink? Hindi pa ba kupas ang pintura sa mga color game? I was indeed curious.

In the midst of the night, I decided to take a stroll. Kinuha ko ang aking maliit na pouch at lumabas na ng aking kotse. I took a deep breath before I went inside. Sinalubong ako ng kalmadong kanta galing sa isang ride at ang mga tawanan ng iilang kabataan na bumibili pa ng cotton candy.

Hindi matanggal ang pagkamangha sa akin. Lalong nabuhay ang perya. I thought it will vanished eventually, tulad ng mga alaala. May mga alaala na kahit ano'ng pilit nating tandaan at itanim sa ating isipan, hindi na ito magiging kasalukuyan. It's the past, we can always have the present and the future.

Dumiretso ako sa ferris wheel at nakitang lumaki ito. Kumikinang ang mga maliliit na bumbilya na nakapalibot dito. It was once again colored in purple and violet. Nilanghap ko ang simoy ng hangin habang nakatanaw sa itaas na bahagi nito.

"Sasakay ka po ba?" tanong no'ng operator. Agad akong napalingon at tumango.

"Okay lang po ba magsabay na lang kayo ni Sir?"

Agad akong napalingon sa tinuro no'ng operator at nakita si Gio na ngayon ay nakaawang ang labi nang madatnan ako. Pareho kaming mukhang di makapaniwalang nasa iisang lugar kami.

Hindi na kami umangal na sumabay ng sakay. It enthralled me back when we rode this together. Magkaharap kami ngayon, hindi tulad noon na magkatabi lang kaya naman tumikhim ako para basagin ang katahimikan.

"Bakit ka nandito?"

"I always go here, Paulene. . ." tugon n'ya na medyo nagpaawang ng labi ko.

Bakit?

"Kamusta ka?" tanong ko sa kan'ya para ma-iba kami ng pinaguusapan. I even smiled to show that I'm genuine in making a connection with him.

He smiled back.

"Okay lang. Ikaw?"

"Nakita ko kanina si Tita Glory," saad ko sa isang kalmanteng paraan. "Gumaganda siya. Maganda talaga lahi n'yo, 'no?"

"Para ka namang nagpaparinig na gusto mo lahian kita?" Gio grimaced and even lifted a brow.

Humalakhak ako. Gagio talaga!

"Hoy, wala akong sinasabi!"

Gio chuckled, lowly. Napalingon siya sa ibaba namin. We were currently at the top, we can see the aerial view of the fair. Mula noon hanggang ngayon ay natatangi ang ganda nito. There is beauty in the simple life. In the simplest thing. In the most simple moment. Like this one.

I glanced at Gio and a serious look was plastered on his face. Kaya naman kinalabit ko siya para lumingon sa akin.

"Wala ba talaga akong chance?" I pouted.

"Tatalon na lang ako rito," busangot ni Gio at humalukipkip pa na parang bata.

"Ang sama mo! Edi wag! Ikaw na nga liligawan, ayaw mo pa! For your information, hindi ka na lugi sa akin! Ang ganda ko rin kaya! Hindi man kasing ganda ng iba, pero alam ko na maganda rin ako!" I blabbered.

"Bakit ikaw pa galit?!" Natatawang saad ni Gio.

"No, I'm serious. Alam ko na ang kapal ko para humingi ng pangalawang pagkakataon. Sinaktan kita e. Iniwan kita nang hindi sinasabi sa 'yo 'yong dahilan. At maiintindihan ko kung t-takot ka na magmahal muli. . ."

I will understand if he feels scared to love again, because love and life are both scary. It's overwhelming. It's unpredictable. Yet, amidst the terror of pain and grief, you'll always have love and hope in the small corners.

You can always find your daylight in the murky path called life. There is hope. There is love. There will always something to look forward to.

"1 John 4:18, Paulene." Gio smiled at me. "I often think that I'm not deserving to qoute from the bible because I'm a sinner myself. Pero, 'yan lang ang tanging alam ko ngayon."

"I'm not afraid to love you again. There is no fear in love, Paulene. I should have given more faith in you."

He showed me a white box on his pocket. It was the same box that I found. My eyes were misty. Hindi ko alam bakit bigla akong kinabahan.

"This ring was actually for you, it was the same ring years ago. Hindi ko siya iniiwan dahil pakiramdam ko kasama kita kapag hawak ko ito."

My heart warmth at what he said. It offered assurance to me. I took a glimpse at him and he was already looking directly at me. Unti-unti akong lumapit sa kan'ya at hinayaan naman n'yang lumapat ang labi ko sa kan'yang mga labi.

We found solace between our kisses. Sa paraan kung paano n'ya ako gabayan sa likod ay lalong nagpaluha sa akin. It was as if he was afraid that I'll break. Kaya naman hinawakan ko siya sa kan'yang mga balikan. To also offer assurance to him that I won't and I am with him too.

I am with him again.

We kissed while the purple lights glowed more, igniting what we feel for each other.

This wasn't what I envisioned my future will be. Akala ko noon ay magiging housewife ako ni Gio at may anak na kami ngayon. We probably live in a bungalow house near his firm. Akala ko patuloy akong magiging alipin ng mga insecurities ko. I definitely did a lot of mistakes from the past. . .

But it doesn't mean I don't have a future.

This is not the future that I envisioned — because certainly this was better.

"I stan you," I cried as I felt his hands on my cheeks. Gio wiped my tears for me. He chuckled and planted a small kiss on my forehead.

At kahit biglang nagkaroon ng mga paputok sa labas at sumabog ang iba't ibang kulay sa langit, rinig na rinig ko ang pahayag n'ya at ang mabilis na tibok ng puso ko para sa kan'ya.

"I stan you, too. You'll always be my bias, my main and the one that I adore the most. Paulene, pwede mo na ba pagbigyan 'yong sakristan?"

And with confidence, I nodded eagerly.

❛ ━━━━━━･❪보라해❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜