Kabanata 3

Hiyang-hiya ako dahil sa nagawa kong pag-like sa picture n'ya. I know I'm probably not the only person that did that. Ang iba pa nga ay talagang sinasadya na balikan ang mga throwback posts ng mga crush nila para mapansin pero hindi ko naman 'yon gawain. I do not have the face and the guts to do that.

"Good morning class..." bati ni Sir Junio, professor namin sa Oral Communication.

We had already started our classes for the past few weeks. So far, si Amber at Brittany talaga ang palagi kong kasama sa pangaraw-araw na klase. I cannot leave them behind, simply because they tend to sulk when I'm not with them. Ang sama rin kasi ng tingin nila sa akin at pakiramdam ko ay pinagbubulungan nila ako tuwing sinasabayan ako ni Bea.

"Sure ka bang di ka sasama sa amin?" tanong ni Bea. Agad akong tumango nang walang pagaalinlangan.

Hinihintay ako nina Amber at Brittany sa may pintuan.

"May kasama naman ako, Bea. Thank you sa offer." I beamed at her, trying to let her realized that I can handle myself. She smiled back before departing with Melanie.

I didn't want to disappoint anyone hence it leads to me being the one who's disappointed.

"Tapos?" Brittany chuckled while stirring her iced latte. May kinukwento kasi si Amber sa kan'ya tungkol sa isang kaklase namin na mukhang kalandian n'ya habang binabagtas namin ang daan pabalik sa classroom.

We just had our break. Kaunti lang ang kinain ko dahil no'ng huling araw na marami akong binili, sinita ako ni Amber. Kesyo, masyado raw oily ang mga kinakain ko. It will make my face more oily too. She advised me not to eat too much fatty food.

Kaya naman pakiramdam ko wala akong kinain. Pinilit ko na lang ang makinig sa kwentuhan nilang dalawa.

I couldn't relate. Hindi ko naman kasi alam ang simula ng storya. I was just there, listening, but it felt like attending a movie in the middle of the climax - hindi ko alam kung anong nangyayari.

"Ayoko no'n! I mean, okay naman sana kaso hindi gano'n ang gwapo. Hindi bagay sa akin," halakhak ni Amber. Brit only laughed in response.

What's funny?

Hindi na naman ako maka-relate. What's funny with how someone looks like?

"Pau, may nangligaw na ba sa 'yo?" tanong ni Brit sa akin. Napatda ako sa aking kinatatayuan.

Meron, pero madalas ay napupunta kay Mila. I gulped and decided to shook my head. I didn't want to rub it to their faces that Mila can do that. Kahit pa wala naman s'yang ginagawa kundi maging maganda. It's not her fault that she's pretty and she shouldn't be blame for it.

"Mag-ayos ka kasi ng sarili mo," Amber shrugged her shoulders off and heaved a deep breath. "Ang ganda-ganda ni Mila e. Dapat pantayan mo."

Sa mga oras na 'yon, ginusto ko na lamang takpan ang aking mga tenga. Alam ko saan na ito patungo at lalo lamang lalalim ang inggit ko sa mga bagay na hindi naman dapat kainggitan.

Pero hindi ko magawa. Kaya nakinig ako sa sarili kong ikasisira.

"Honestly, ayoko pa maniwala noon na ikaw 'yung pinsan n'ya. I was expecting, you know? Someone with the same caliber..." dugtong ni Brit at uminom sa kan'yang iced latte.

"Anong ibig mong sabihin?"

"Pangit ka. Maglolokohan pa ba tayo rito, Pau?" Amber said, her tone sounded like she was joking.

Pero bakit ang sakit? Natigalgal ako sa kan'yang sagot. Jokes aren't supposed to squeezed someone's heart this much.

Napansin ni Amber ang mapait na timpla ng aking mukha. She immediately laughed hysterically as if there's something funny.

"Joke lang, Pau! May mukha ka naman e. Okay na 'yon, di ka naman mabiro."

I couldn't respond back. Ang totoo ay nasasaktan ako. Hindi sa hindi ko tanggap na pangit ako. I was just not expecting it from...them. We weren't that close during junior highschool but they treated me like a friend. Gano'n din ang naging trato ko sa kanila.

I think it's true that the pain proliferated when the people that hurted you are the ones that you trusted and loved. Mas masakit kapag kilala mo ang taong nananakit sa 'yo, you weren't expecting it because you knew them and you thought they knew you but the truth is, they're just as capable as others when it comes to crushing you into pieces. Mas malala nga lang at mas puro ang pagdurog sa 'yo.

Naramdaman 'yata nila ang pananahimik ko dahil agad na sumabat si Brittany.

"Parang di kaibigan, Pau..." Brit sniggered mockingly. "Joke lang 'yon. Maganda ka na, okay?"

Bakit parang nandidiri ka? Sa tono ng kan'yang boses ay parang napipilitan s'yang sabihin 'yon. My gaze immediately fell on my shoes, binibilang na lamang ang mga maliliit na bato na gumugulong sabay ng pagsipa ko rito.

My heart sank at her statement. The way her lips twitched at the mere mention that I'm also pretty makes the hole in my heart a lot bigger. Lalo nitong kinalkal ang insecurities ko.

I smiled. I shook my head. I immediately nodded. My feelings were overwhelming me that I'm not even sure what action should I do. Hindi ko alam kung ano ba dapat ang maramdaman. Bukod sa pighati at lumbay dahil sa mga kaibigan ko pa ito nagmula.

"It's okay!"

It's definitely okay.

Pangit naman talaga ako.

The three of us decided to sauntered back to our class. Kahit naiwan ko 'yata ang buong kaluluwa ko sa canteen. I feel so light weight as if I'm an empty shell. My nails digged in my palms to suppressed the twirling feeling of gloom inside my heart.

I don't like it when people just won't straight out tell me what's wrong, yet I also don't know how to confront them either. Kaya naman ako na lang ang maga-adjust. Pilit ko na lang itong iintindihin. Iisipin ko na lang na gano'n talaga ang tao - na mahirap maging mabait sa mundo.

Oral communication ang sunod namin na subject pagkatapos ang break. Sir Junio is kind enough to let us have a ten minute break before he starts the class. Kaya naman hindi kami nagmamadali sa pagbalik sa classroom.

Sir Junio discussed about the speech context and different styles of speeches. With a whiteboard marker on his hand, he briefly discussed the following. Madalas kami ang pinagsasalita ni Sir Junio, since this is an oral communication class. Mas binibigyan pansin ang recitation.

"We have five speech context according to our lesson," Gio recited as he stood. "We have intrapersonal, interpersonal, small group, public and mass communication."

"Can you explain them all briefly, Mr. San Pedro?" Sir Junio asked.

"Intrapersonal is when the sender and receiver of the message is the same person. You can say that it's like talking to yourself. It also uses the word 'intra' which means within. Interpersonal on the other hand is talking to another person, inter means 'between' thus it's a communication between people." Gio answered, not even stuttering. Hindi man lang kumurap.

I have to admit, I'm always amazed whenever he participates in our class. Akala ko kasi noon class clown lang talaga s'ya at baka nga bulakbol pa sa pag-aaral. Pero isa pala s'ya sa mga matatalino kong kaklase. Nakakahiya rin minsan na mas kumpleto pa s'ya sa mga notes at reminders. Hindi ko alam kung dulot lang ba 'yon ng pagiging class president n'ya.

"A small group pertains to the communication of a group of people not more than twelve. Public is also presenting to a group of people however gestures and the voice is exaggerated since it is probably a larger number of people. Mass communication refers to communication through different types of media."

"What about the speech styles?"

"The speech styles are intimate, casual, consultative, formal and frozen." Gio puffed his cheeks then smiled cheekily. He prolly find the question as easy.

Zafirah groaned at our side, she probably also wanted to recite. Isa s'ya sa mga tao sa loob ng room na hindi mapakali kapag hindi natatawag ng teacher sa isang araw. Hindi man lang ba s'ya dinadapuan ng kaba?

"That's good, San Pedro. You are exempted from our activity for this lesson. Since we're finished with our lesson about speech context and styles, we'll be having a group activity..." Sir Junio uttered while most us were already glancing at our potential groupmates.

"Sir? Ilang members?"

"Three." Sir Junio responded.

I looked at Bea and Melanie's direction but I felt like I was punched in the gut when they already formed a group of three with Zafirah.

Of course.

Makakabuo agad sila ng grupo. Sila naman talaga ang magka-kaibigan.

Tumingin ako kay Brittany at Amber. Dalawa pa lang sila. I garnered my remaining strength to asked them if I can join their group. I know we're supposed to be friends. Maybe they'll save a slot for me.

"As promised, San Pedro would be exempted from this activity."

"Ipasa mo na dali!" dalus-dalos na saad ni Amber, tinulak-tulak n'ya pa si Brittany.

"Uh, kulang pa ba kayo ng member..." mahinang banggit ko.

"Hala ka, Paulene. Akala namin may kagrupo ka na. Sinulat na namin si LJ," sagot ni Brittany. "Hanap ka na lang ng kagrupo mo. Marami pa namang wala e."

There's a lump on my throat that I can't get rid of. I feel like my eyes is being poked. Naninimdim ang puso ko.

I don't know. I was just expecting so much from them. I guess it's my fault for thinking they value me as much as how I value them.

"Baka kasi di nila ako tanggapin..."my voice came out as weak attempt of speaking. It was almost inaudible.

"Edi mag-individual ka na lang." Amber shrugged off. "Kaya mo naman siguro 'yon, Paulene. Next time kasi sabihan mo kami agad."

Parang hindi kaibigan.

I gulped, sabay nito ang paglunok ko ng sama ng loob ko sa kanila. I don't know if it's valid to feel this way. Alam kong hindi kami gano'n ka-close, but considering that we're supposed to be friends -it just hurts that they didn't even consider me when they had to choose members.

Pumili sila ng iba.

And I can't help but compare myself to the person that they've choose, letting my insecurities consume me. It makes me question myself, kung hindi ba ako sapat o hindi ba ako karapat-dapat para makasama sila. I was submerged in the flood of doubts inside my head.

Nakita ko ang isang one fourth kung saan nakalagay ang pangalan ni Amber, Brittany at LJ. That mere paper made my heart collided with pain. I looked at LJ and remembered that she was the elected muse.

Of course, she's pretty. Kaya s'ya ang pinili. Siguro mas makatutulong s'ya, kaya s'ya ang pinili. Maybe she's just the better option - or maybe I wasn't just worth it. I let out a deep breath. Humihiling na sana tangayin na lang din ang sama ng loob ko sa mga kaibigan ko.

"S-sir, pwede po ba mag-individual?" I inquired. Sir Junio immediately frowned.

"Class, does everyone already have their respective groups?" Sir Junio asked and my classmates answered in unison.

"Yes!"

My heart clenched, I feel like it's even bleeding. Tumingin ako sa mga kaklase ko. I know I'm not that close to them. Alam ko rin na halos magka-kaibigan ang naging magka-grupo. Maybe I should have approach them more. Maybe it was my fault for not meddling with them that much.

Ang sakit lang kasi na walang nakakita sa akin.

No one choose me.

Ako lang ang natira na mag-isa.

Ngumiti ako.

"Magi-individual na lang po ako, Sir..." I said, even if I feel like my eyes will slowly betray me.

"May mga absents, Paulene..." Bea intervened, puno ng awa ang tono. "Baka pwede mo sila maging kagrupo..."

"Kinuha ko na 'yung ibang absent! Kagrupo ko na sila." ani Ria.

That statement only made me feel worst. Mas pinili pa ang absent kumpara sa akin na narito.

"Pwede po ba mag-adopt na lang, Sir? Kuhanin na lang namin si Paulene." Zafirah suggested. Napalingon ako sa kan'ya. To hear that from her, it actually lifted my mood a bit. Isa s'ya sa mga tinitingala ko sa room dahil sa pagiging matalino at maganda n'ya.

"Ang unfair naman no'n," reklamo ni Stacy at humalukipkip pa. "Apat kayo tapos kami tatlo lang?"

Zafirah immediately clenched her jaw. Agad n'yang sinipat si Stacy na nanlilisik ang mga mata. Madalas talaga ay nakakatakot si Zafirah dahil ang taray n'ya tumingin. Pero natatakot rin ako kay Stacy dahil matapang din ito.

"Sir, ako na lang partner ni Paulene." Gio volunteered. Agad ko s'yang sinipat, he looked at me blankly. Ilang linggo rin kami hindi naguusap. Actually, lahat 'yata ay close na n'ya maliban sa akin.

Maybe because I wasn't worth it. Pinilit kong itanggi ito sa aking utak pero hindi ko mapigilan ang aking damdamin.

"Exempted ka, San Pedro."

"Ayoko no'n, Sir. Mas gusto kong ka-partner si Paulene." Gio pursed his lips, attempting not to laugh.

Agad siyang tinukso-tukso ng mga kaibigan n'ya. Pero natigil din sila dahil tumikhim si Sir Junio. Binigyan na kami ng task. We'll be creating a tableau of a particular speech style. At dahil dalawa lang kami ni Gio, kami na ang hinuli ni Sir para raw mas mabigyan kami ng oras.

"Gio..." I called him despite feeling guilty because I blocked him. "Thank you."

"Sige. Kita na lang tayo mamayang after class."

He seems casual to me. Hindi tulad sa ibang mga tao na sobra s'yang mapaglaro. Pumayag naman ako at hinintay na lang s'ya sa bonanza area para mapagusapan namin ang gagawin namin.

He arrived after his brief meeting with his friends or cohorts. Umupo s'ya sa bench na nasa harapan ko at naglabas ng notebook.

"Kanina, nag-take down na ako ng notes na pwede natin pagpilian pero kung meron ka rin idea, pwede rin naman tayo sundin 'yung sa 'yo." Walang paligoy-ligoy n'yang saad habang tinuturo ang mga sinulat n'yang ideya.

It caught me off guard because I was expecting him to be his usual self. Pero parang ang seryoso n'ya? Maybe because we're talking about a particular task about school.

"Uh, sure. Kahit 'yung sa 'yo na lang. Walang problema..." I nodded my head, agreeing with his ideas. Alam ko naman na magaling s'ya.

"Good. Ia-add kita sa Facebook, okay lang ba?" seryosong tanong ni Gio. His thick but beautiful drawn brows even furrowed. Napalunok ako dahil naka-block s'ya sa akin.

"Sige..."

I took my phone out so I can unblock him, pero may notification na agad sa Facebook ko kaya naman nagtahip-tahip ang dibdib ko sa kaba.

Giorgion PartTwo sent you a friend request

There was even a message request.

Giorgion PartTwo:

Hello hahaha nahihiya kasi ako tanungin pero ba't mo ako blinock???

Ayaw mo ba ako maging friend? hahahaha

P.S. Oo pinahihintulutan kitang gamitin 'yung excuse na gusto mo maging more than friends. 🙊🙉🙈

P.P.S O kaya the more you hate the more you love kaya blinock mo ako. Hahaha kilegz

Napalingon ako sa kan'ya. He was looking at me directly. His chin resting on his palms while his head was slightly arched, making him looked like he was amused. Nakangisi lang s'ya sa akin, naghihintay ng sagot.

❛ ━━━━━━･❪보라해❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜