x. do you trust
your friend? |
reese & toni

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| r e e s e

"What have you been doing with your life?" I asked Toni. When she came to the alley half an hour later, I saw the toll that time had taken on her. She looked worn and weary, with dark circles etched beneath her eyes and a hollowness in her cheeks. She looked ten years older than her age.

"I just got here yesterday," said Toni with a voice that carried weariness and a faint sense of hope. "I heard you were about to enter college here so . . . I followed you."

I just frowned and ignored the last thing she said. "How about you? Where would you study for college?"

"I . . . I don't . . . I don't know . . . Dad died, and I have no money . . ." She stopped and then glanced at me. She smiled with a different look in her eyes; as though she was sorry for herself. "Look at you now though." There was a complex mix of emotions swirling within her gaze — a bittersweet blend of regret, admiration, and a touch of envy.

I just returned a smile. "Covered in blood?" I said and chuckled. I sighed and looked at my own arms. "Now I'm a killer just like you."

She didn't seem to find that funny as she just looked at me in the eyes. I noticed that she wasn't the same as before anymore; she doesn't seem funny and confident anymore, as if she's been sucked out of positivity and brightness and happiness and what was only left in her was a sad mess she couldn't fix. I saw a shadowed version of my old friend — a somber, fragmented soul desperately searching for a way to mend the pieces. I somehow felt bad.

I just sighed and ran my palm through the blood of the man I just killed. I walked closer to her, then wiped the blood against her skin, her clothes, her hands, until she was covered all over . . . then I looked up at her face and smiled.

She blinked twice.

"You don't have to do this, you know," she said. "You can just say you defended yourself—"

"They won't believe me," I just said and looked at the dead body. I remembered how he forced me down to the ground, how he touched me, how his breath stank of cigarettes and vomit. I breathed deeply. "Who believes a woman defending herself? Nobody. I'd just end up behind bars."

"Reese." My breathing hitched as I looked at her. She slowly walked towards me and softly smiled. "Where should we hide him?"

I tried not to cry and looked at Toni. "You're really helping me?"

I thought of her crying face that night when she said, I would have done the same for you! and I couldn't really help it this time; she cried when she saw me trying to hold back my tears, and she hugged me.

"You hugged me like this that night, right?" Toni said. "Of course, Reese. I would help you. I would . . . always."

I closed my eyes and allowed myself to cry, but no tears fell.

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That night, Toni and I dragged the man's body and put it on my trunk. We drove to the nearest bridge and decided to push him off there, and then it was all a blur.

I remember planning it all inside my head. I remember wanting to make Ember's parents proud. The college. And then my anger for that Toni never really vanished. How I regretted that I hugged her that night when I could have stabbed her the way she stabbed Ember and Sadie. How I wish I never needed her again, but then that happened. It's funny how dead people somehow pull the two of us together.

Toni was panting that night, after pushing the corpse off the bridge. The surrounding was so quiet I could almost hear her heartbeat from where I was standing, or maybe it was my own that I was hearing; whoever's heartbeat that was, it was so loud and threatening.

I really hope everything that happened between Toni and I never happened. The hiding of Ember's corpse. The web of lies that we spun. The people who lost their lives because of us. The people who suffered. It would've been nice if we became girl best friends like normal; we'd enter college together, and drink beers after classes, and we'd marry, and we'd look after each other while talking about money and sex. It would have been nice if life was kinder to both of us.

I do not know if I fully believe Toni when she said it was an accident; but even though she appears strong, I know how much tenderness she holds inside. And it probably killed her to kill two friends just because of me.

Because of me?

I don't like the thought of that.

"I hope we can catch up in each other's lives after this," Toni said that night, but I thought that would be impossible. She licked her bottom lip, her eyes on the waters glistening beneath us. "I really—"

She never had the chance to finish that sentence. I'm glad she never did.

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| t o n i

I would have done anything to get into Reese's thoughts and see what she was thinking at that moment when we heard police sirens piercing the air, and there were flashes of lights upon our faces, and she grabbed my hand to pull me to a run.

It is a vivid memory, of when she was running in front of me, her hair being swept back by the wind, her hand holding mine tight. She ran to an old building, the police cars still following us, and my heart was beating hard, harder, harder, threatening to drown out even the sounds of my own breathing.

It was like that one time when we were young — when we were running away from Ember as she played as a zombie. Reese was holding my hand, tight, as if afraid I'd be gone in a second if she let go of me. She was holding me the same way she did at the bridge.

"Do you trust me?" she asked as we stood in front of the tree, looking straight at me. There was sweat and dry leaves on her face.

"You should trust me," Reese said then, as we stopped in front of an old building. There was sweat and blood on her face.

I did not hesitate one bit. I nodded. And she smiled at me.

When we were young, she took the lead as we climbed up the tree. She did the same as Reese and I ran up the stairs. It was just like before. When things were nicer.

Back then, when we reached the top, we saw the beautiful, orange sunset. I was panting so hard and so was she, and when I looked at her, I sort of saw an orange light in her eyes. She was looking at the sinking sun in so much awe, as if seeing it for the first time.

She looked at the city lights the same way she looked at the orange sunset.

She gripped my hand tight. Then she looked at me.

When we were young, she did the same thing, too, but back then, we were hearing Ember's fake growling noises. When we were on the roof of the building, it was the police sirens that we heard.

As I looked at her blood stained face and as the sticky feeling of blood wrapped in our palms, I smiled, and I realized that whatever it is we push ourselves into, I'd be fine with it.

"Reese," I said.

There were footsteps.

They were near.

Reese laughed softly. "It's nice seeing you again, Toni."

I teared up and I didn't know whether to smile or to laugh. "I wish things that happened between us never happened . . . I wish we grew up like normal girl best friends . . ."

Reese held my hand tighter. "Out there . . . we would be."

"If we jump here . . . Ember would lose!"

"If we jump here . . . they would lose."

I nodded, and I realized I was crying.

"Before we jump, I want to tell you that I'm sorry," Reese said. Tears went up her eyes. "I'm sorry for leaving."

I hugged her quickly then, because she didn't have anything to say sorry about. And as I did, the doors were kicked open, and Reese and I turned our heads to look.

When she looked at me, I knew it was time. We both nodded at each other, tears streaming down our cheeks.

I breathed and closed my eyes.

All of a sudden I was feeling wind wrapping me whole, and for some weird reason it felt somewhat freeing, like I was a bird getting out of my cage for the first time, only I didn't have wings to fly. I laughed, but then I opened my eyes mid-air, and saw that I had jumped off the building alone.

Reese did not jump with me.

Reese was standing at the edge of the building, no longer crying. I did not understand the look on her face; smug? Guilt? Ridiculing me? And then that's when I remembered. When she brought me to the tree that sunset, she also did not jump with me — she allowed me to be bitten by Ember, and so Reese became the winner.

What a bitch, I thought, but then I was just the stupid friend who had always played in Reese's palm without me knowing. I was just a tool in her life.

I would never forget the warmth of her hugs, though. Her crying faces. Her laughing faces. Her drunk faces. The sound of her voice. But what I would and wouldn't remember doesn't matter in hell.

I'd probably meet Ember again.

I just smiled, put up my middle finger, and as soon as I did that, I saw a smile plaster on Reese's face.

It wasn't a happy smile.

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| r e e s e

I'm now sitting in front of the interviewer, her rectangle glasses resting at the tip of her nose. I was just watching my friend die several hours ago, and now I'm all dressed up and fresh; my hair tied in a bun, my lips in a stretched smile, and my hands intertwined on top of my knees.

"What are your strengths and weaknesses?" she asked.

I smiled at her.

"I know how to use things to my advantage," I said to the interviewer. The sun is bright. My feet are aching in heels. I fought the urge to throw up when I remembered Toni's brain splattered against the road. I took a deep breath and looked at the interviewer. At the back of my head, I could still hear myself lying to the police. She forced me to do it, I didn't kill anyone, she murdered two people back in our town too, please let me go, I'm a young girl with a college interview tomorrow, please talk to my mom instead . . . and other things that convinced the policemen to believe in me.

"And . . . I know how to put myself in the better light of things without much work."

The interviewer squinted her eyes at me.

I gave her a smile.

Right now, if Toni's ghost is nearby, I know she is glaring at me. Would she forgive me? Curse me? Wish me the worst? Maybe. I'm just gonna imagine that Ember would fight her in hell.

As soon as I got to hell, I'd find Toni first. She would probably be smoking somewhere in the corner, lighting her cigarette from hellfire or something. I would see the rings on her fingers and her bracelets. She would be wearing her favorite band shirt. When she sees me, I know she's gonna punch my face, but she would laugh afterward and say, I've been waiting for you.

Maybe.

Then I would cry and would ask her to forgive me, and she would, then we'd hold each other's hands, climb out of hell, and look for Ember. We'd find her, then she would smile and would scold us for everything we did up here on Earth. Ember would smile though, as she always had. She would forgive us.

Because after all, she's the kind of person you would slap and she would ask you if your palm hurt, and would mend your wound as her own cheek bled. She's the kind of person who would run off to the edge of the world if you told her that would make you happy, and even if it hurt her ankles and it broke her bones, she'd come back smiling and ask, "did that make you happy?"

And if you said no, she would run from the start all over again.

"Do you consider yourself a good person?" the interviewer asked, though I don't think she really did ask that. Am I hallucinating?

I smiled and thought of my dead friends. Of Ember's dead body in the storage room. The splatters of Sadie's blood on the woods. Toni's broken head against the ground. All because of me.

"I know how to be a good person," I said. "I just choose not to be one."

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