v. spit on
a friend | reese

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"Have you heard?"

It was already a Thursday, the day after Toni said she met Sadie. We were on our way to school that morning. I looked at Toni and asked her to continue what she was saying.

"They said that the man we accused of . . ." Toni didn't look uncomfortable saying that. She was looking down, her brows furrowed, while scratching her arm. The sun was directly upon the frizzy strands of her purple hair. ". . . of doing it had killed himself."

My blood ran cold. I stopped walking and looked at Toni. "What?"

"T-Then when they searched his house last night, no evidence that says he might have done it was found."

I suddenly didn't want to go to school anymore as I sat at the nearest bench. If he weren't the murderer, then who is? The thought of the real murderer still being out there, lurking in the goddamn shadows, sent shivers down my spine. This can't be. There must have been some kind of mistake.

I don't know how to put it into words, but I felt so sick. We just pushed the man off the edge because of our accusation; it's as though we killed him. I tried to gather my thoughts but all I could say was, "What have we done?"

I think that it's stupid because I was a bit too positive when I thought that the man could easily get away from what we accused him of. I thought the police would just smoothly pass by him, but maybe not. The thought of the man's desperation, the darkness that must have consumed him to such an extent that he saw no other way out, haunted me. I was not the least happy about it.

"Reese. What do we do?" Toni's voice trembled with fear, mirroring the turmoil I had within me. She sat beside me, and I noticed that her hands were badly shaking.

That day, I was beginning to genuinely feel bad for her because I dragged her into that mess. If we had just called the police that night, if I had not decided to hide Ember's body, we would probably just mourn for our best friend's death like normal people, and nobody would've had to lie, nobody would've had to lose Sadie, nobody would've had to kill himself.

It's all my fault.

But then again . . . my grandmother needed me.

If Toni were in my situation, I'm sure she would've done the same, and even if it inconvenienced me in the worst way possible I'm sure I'd understand. If she were in my position I would have done anything to help her. Because we were friends, weren't we?

"Toni," I just said. I held her shaking hands and she looked at me. Up close, I saw how tired her face was. Her dark circles. Her pimples. Her chapped lips. It was all too much for me as it was for her . . . and somehow that comforted me because it meant that we're in it together. "Just bear with me, please. I need you more than ever. Please."

Toni didn't look pleased. She just looked down again, her breathing shallow, before pulling her hands away from me.

Maybe she didn't care much about my grandmother anymore, and I understood that. I just hoped she wouldn't give up for the sake of me if not for my grandmother, whether or not I was enough.

"I don't want to do this anymore . . ." she said. My heart clenched. "W-We can move Ember to your basement. I won't tell anyone."

I just looked at her. "If her mother wouldn't raise the reward by tomorrow, I'd gladly accept the fifty-thousand. I'd even share it with you."

"No."

"Come on, Toni."

"I don't want the money." She said that and I saw desperation in her eyes. "I just want it out of my fucking house." Toni seemed fed up with everything, and she even stopped seeing Ember as Ember anymore; she was just seeing her as a rotting bag of flesh. Nothing but a corpse.

At that moment, anger welled up inside me. "Fine. I'll drag it out your damn house and what? Get myself arrested?"

"This was your idea!"

"And you agreed to it! You joined me! And you're supposed to stick with this shit until the end!"

Toni just stood up because tears were already streaming down her face. I felt a pang of guilt, but I could not let her back out now. The whole plan depended on her cooperation. If I brought Ember into our house, she wouldn't have space anywhere. Toni pulling out would jeopardize everything we had worked for.

"My Dad would come home by Monday, Reese. How long do you think the smell would last? He'd fucking smell it as soon as he steps foot on the goddamn doorstep."

"T-Then don't make him go home yet."

"How the fuck am I supposed to do that?"

"I don't know! Use your head!"

"I said don't fucking yell at me!" 

I sighed and rubbed my face with my palm. My heart was beating fast because I was so mad at her and at myself and the whole fucking situation and us yelling at each other wasn't helping in any way. "Toni, just please don't make things harder—"

"There you go again. Making me feel bad so things can go your way."

"I'm not—"

"You know what . . . maybe Sadie is right."

Toni looked at me. Actually, no. She glared at me. Her jaw was tight. Her knuckle was white.

"Maybe you really did kill her."

I laughed. I don't know why I didn't punch her face then. I laughed but I was hurt because she actually thought I did it. I was hurt because deep inside Toni, she believed that I had the capability of murdering my own best friend for my own sake.

"I can't believe you right now." I stood up. I had decided I would keep Ember's body, though, during the time, I had no idea where I'd hide her. I was just thinking of anywhere but Toni's. "I'd get Ember from your house tomorrow. You're no longer gonna be involved with this fucking bullshit."

Toni did not reply.

By that time, she'd already lost three friends.

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