ix. playing with
rats | reese

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Sadie once told me how much of a creep Toni can be.

"Do you know that she keeps dead rats?" Sadie whispered, her eyes intensely wide at me. "That's fucking weird! Why would she do that? I heard she even plays with them dead. But, like, why rats?" Sadie said and gagged. "Of all small animals, why the fuck rats?"

Why the fuck rats?

I'm still wondering why.

"Toni," I murmured, looking at her. Her eyes are brimming with tears and her hand is gripping on a knife. "Don't . . . don't do this," I remember saying. I said more, but I don't recall much. I was just begging as I shook on the floor, looking up at her.

She stepped closer to me.

"No-"

When she grabbed my hair and swung her knife, I let out a scream, but I managed to kick her on the stomach, giving me time to run. I didn't know what time it was, but it was still dark outside. I was crying and I couldn't see anything because my eyes were too blurred with tears.

"Fuck," I cried under my breath. I could clearly hear her footsteps running after me from behind, and all I could think of was to run. Was it my fault? Was it my fault? I could hear my own ragged breaths mingling with the pounding of my heart as fear propelled my legs forward. The branches of the trees clawed at me. My footsteps echoed through the empty streets as the cool night brushed against my skin.

Fuck Toni. Fuck the reward money. Fuck everything else. I'd run to the police and tell them everything; I wanted to bring justice to Sadie and Ember even if it meant I'd end up behind bars. I didn't care - I deserved that anyway.

Run, run, run, run. There were tears and sweat on my face and I couldn't stop crying and running until I reached the woods. I imagined Sadie running the same way I did; crying, afraid, tired feet, the woods, albeit familiar, remaining cold and offering little to no sanctuary.

Toni caught up to me and she grabbed my hair again. Did she do the same thing with Ember? With Sadie? Suddenly I was pushed back against the ground, bits of rocks hurting my back and wounding my skin. I felt Toni's knee against my chest. I was screaming this time, filled with rage and fear and sadness because I realized that I was slowly losing everyone. I remember screaming at her face, and then she spat on me, and I screamed harder.

I remember screaming, you did it! You killed Ember! How fucking dare you! Did you kill Sadie, too? Did you kill her?! I do not really remember but I can vividly remember how Toni looked that night. Distress clung to her like a second skin. Her face was contorted. This was not my best friend anymore.

And yet she was crying.

"It was an accident!"

I breathed heavily. I allowed silence to come.

"It's not," I said, a whisper, so quiet it did not even have the chance to echo into the empty night. Then I said it louder. "It's not! She was stabbed all over! How the fuck is that an accident?!"

"I didn't mean to kill her!" Toni screamed in my face. Her dyed hair glinted in the moonlight. "I . . . I accidentally just . . . there were scissors inside and I . . ."

"You're a fucking murderer!"

"I'm not!"

She was crying harder this time. "It was an accident . . . she told me to leave you, Reese. She told me to cut you off! I was fighting her because of you!"

"Stop lying!"

"I'm not lying!" Toni said. "She told me you're a toxic friend and she told me to leave you alone. I didn't want to, then we got into an argument, and then she said your grandmother should've died that night!"

"I don't fucking care!" I said. I pushed Toni, but she pushed her knee on my neck, her face looking like a witch's. I choked and I thought I was gonna die. My chest tightened. I slapped her knees with all my strength as I struggled to breathe.

Did Toni think I was gonna feel bad for her? Did she think I would care that Ember wanted my grandma dead when she was the one who was murdered by being stabbed? Alone, in a cold, empty cemetery? Ember was probably so scared. My sweet, kind Ember.

I looked at Toni with so much anger swelling in my chest. She was probably lying to me, who the fuck knows? She had lied to me all this time, why did she think I was going to believe her?

"You're . . . you still murdered Ember . . . and Sadie . . ." I managed to choke out. I could barely breathe.

"Don't you understand?" Toni said, pushing her knee onto my neck deeper and stronger. "I killed them because of you. I killed Sadie because she saw Ember's corpse; because she was gonna disrupt your plan!"

"There wouldn't have been a plan if you did not murder Ember, Toni," I said when she pulled back her knee. "Why did you have to . . . Ember . . ."

I just cried and she watched me.

"I . . . I sent the text message because I didn't want anyone to suspect me. I would've wanted to seem like I saw her with you. But when I saw her again at the storage room . . ." She sniffled and she cried harder. "I realized I couldn't. I was about to tell you . . . to help me cover up the mur . . . her death, Reese, and if you'd get mad I'd just surrender myself . . . . but then you said your plan, and saying no when it was for your grandmother felt too selfish."

"Why would I fucking agree to help-"

"Because I would have done the same for you!" Toni said, and it hit me right in my gut. "I would have covered up for you! Because I'm your friend! Isn't that what we're supposed to do?"

That silenced me and made me think about all the conversations I've had with her in the past. When we joked around about hiding corpses; when we joked around about murdering someone.

I looked at her, and for a moment I tried to forget that she killed both Ember and Sadie.

"Toni . . ."

All I saw that night was my friend.

"Reese . . . I don't want to lose you," she told me, and she was still crying so hard, even if she was the one who had a knife. "I just don't think you'd . . . you'd forgive me . . ."

"Toni, get off me," I said, and she did, slowly. When she did, I got up to my knees and hugged her. I feel like I hadn't done that in years, and she collapsed on my shoulders, crying. I closed my eyes and hugged her tighter.

"I didn't like doing it," she said. "I hated it . . . when they cried. When I heard their last breaths. I get nightmares every night." She breathed in and cried again. "God, Reese, I don't want to go to prison. Please . . . please . . ."

"You're not," I said, holding her hair. "You're not."

I didn't know what I was thinking. I know I was still mad at her. I could easily grab the knife away from her hand and then run to the police and tell them everything, but I didn't. I stayed there, hugging her, making her stop crying, maybe because I was as mentally ill as her. Maybe because I felt bad for her.

Maybe because I just didn't want to lose another friend.

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A year after that night, I became an eighteen-year-old incoming college freshman. I didn't get the reward money, but Ember's parents surprisingly took me in after they heard that my grandmother died.

I had no parents. They lost their daughter. It worked well between us.

I cut off Toni then. I don't know what happened to her, but after I graduated high school, I completely erased her from my life as Ember's parents and I moved somewhere else, leaving that awful town. I didn't know what had become of Toni after I'd left. The girl who had been my best friend. Someone who knew even the darkest parts of myself. But I knew that if I wanted to live a whole new life, I had to bury everything behind me. And that included her.

I'd never thought I would have to need Toni again.

"Son of a bitch!"

I didn't know there would come a time that I would kill someone, too.

Now I know what Toni was talking about.

Now I understand her.

I was in a dark alley. A man had grabbed me there and tried to hurt me, but I managed to fight back and that led to me, stabbing his neck with a broken glass. I've been stabbing him for ten? Fifteen minutes? I don't know, but I was covered in blood, too. It was like I'd lost my mind. Like I blanked out, and I was not myself.

It was already eleven in the evening, and I had to finish that mess quickly or I would miss my college interview for the day after that. I couldn't miss that just because of a disgusting, rat-faced man.

The man was already dead. He was covered in blood, and his face was unrecognizable. I was not scared or nervous at all, and I wondered if I should be. I felt sort of numb. Blood lust really is scary, huh? I thought of Toni. I wondered what she was thinking when she killed two of my best friends. Was she as calm as I was? Was she crying? Was she looking at herself in the mirror with shivering hands, as the thick, gross blood engulfed her skin? I wondered what she was thinking, and I wondered if she could help me.

I grabbed my phone and called Toni, hoping she was somewhere near, hoping she was still using the same number because I am.

When she picked up, I sighed in relief.

"Reese?"

It has been so long since I heard her voice. Somehow, that made me sad.

"Toni."

There's a pause. "Reese . . . it's you."

"Please," I said. I breathed in the scent of blood and dirt. "Help me bury a body."

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