The past two and a half weeks have gone in a blur of drinking lots of hot chocolate, eating fruits day and night to keep myself healthy with my eyes glued to notes or laptop. Last couple of therapy sessions have been so emotionally exhausting especially during finals that I came and locked myself in the room for hours with the excuse of studying so that James would leave me alone.

I have realised that therapy makes you introspect things and come to terms with thoughts that you've constantly been running away from. Dr. Wilson asked me last week how did I feel about being married so young and I tried to laugh it off until I realised that it was a topic that needed addressing.

James is a charming, beautiful, witty, intelligent and absolutely genius man but if I had an option, I would much rather date him than be married so young. But then I know that's just fantasy world hypothetical situation I have in mind because if we weren't married, we wouldn't be where we are today.

However, in therapy I get to be honest about how my plans haven't gone according to my wishes, and though I am happy with the bond James and I share, it also does sadden me to think otherwise. Dr. Wilson has encouraged me to be honest about this with James, so that we have more open and honest relationship but I'm taking my time to come to terms with things myself, and honestly as accommodating as he has been to my needs throughout my finals, I'm also a little afraid of his reaction to this conversation.

A tap on my shoulder breaks me out of my thoughts and jump from surprise but then my eyes focus on Natalie who's smiling at me her full grin. "I can't believe I'm in final year of MBA."

I laugh a little at her words, "You just gave the exam, Nat. How are you sure you're not going to flunk?" I ask her as I shift in my seat a little.

Today was the last final and I decided to wait for everyone in Cafeteria since all of us met here after every exam. Things between Natalie and me are as normal as they can be, with no awkwardness and I'm so glad about that because I'm starting to relax in her presence again, knowing that she never had any wrong intentions to begin with.

"Wow, does that optimism come naturally to you?" She scoffs and I smile at her sarcasm.

I noticed Max walking towards us with Ashley and Caleb by his side. As soon as he reaches the table, he slams his palm on the surface. "I rocked that exam. In your face, bitches!"

"Who are you talking to?" Natalie looks at him funnily.

"His other personalities, nothing you guys have to worry about." Ashley comments, making me laugh as I stand up from my chair to give all of them a hug, especially Caleb because the guy looks like a mess.

"Are you okay?" I whisper to him so only he can listen and he gives me the most fake smile I've ever seen cross anyone's face. My frown only deepens when Austin joins the table, pretty much mirroring Caleb's expression.

Okay, definitely trouble in paradise.

"What's with you guys?" Max asks, clearly not considering that they might not wanna talk about it.

"Nothing." Caleb shrugs which only earns him a glare from his boyfriend. "I'm going to head home, I think I need to sleep for a week."

Everyone nods in understanding and then Austin's eyes meet mine — there's something so off about the way he looks at me that I can't help but scowl at him. I haven't really talked to anyone properly since prep leave so I have no idea what has been going on between those two.

"I'll also leave, I think." I get my bag, trying to avoid Austin's gaze and Caleb looks between his boyfriend and me before nodding.

"We're having taco night at our apartment, please tell me you guys aren't ditching." Ashley looks at us.

"Who all are coming?" I ask because if it's a college party then I'm out.

"Just us. Natalie might bring a date." Max adds and I nod, agreeing to see them tonight before leaving the Cafeteria with Caleb.

As soon as we're out, I turn to him and hold onto his elbow, stopping him in his tracks, "What's wrong?"

He closes his eyes at my questions and takes a deep breath before opening them again, "Nothing. C'mon."

I shake my head, refusing to buy his lie as I continue to stare at him. There is something so off about everything that now it's starting to make me believe that I did something wrong with the way Austin was glaring at me.

"Caleb, you've been there for me now please give me a chance to be there for you too." I plead, knowing that it's wrong to push him to talk but if he asks me to drop it again, I won't bring it up until he does.

"I think Austin and I broke up last night." He mumbles and I scowl at him.

"What do you mean you think? Why?" I ask in disbelief. "Does he not feel the same way as you?"

He opens his mouth to speak but immediately shuts up when he looks behind me and I turn around to realise that Austin is standing there with his arms across his chest, a look of pure hurt straining his face as he just silently stares at Caleb.

"Do you want me to leave?" I ask Caleb who nods but then Austin speaks up.

"No, please stay and enlighten me, you both. I'd rather hear it from you Lillian." He scoffs, his glare turning to me which further makes my scowl run deeper.

"What is he talking about, Caleb? Does he know?" I look at him but don't understand why him knowing that I'm married would create a rift between these two? Could it be that Austin felt betrayed that Caleb hid it from him? God! Immediate guilt surfaces and I turn to the only guy who can possibly pull off silver hair. "Austin, you need to listen —"

"Lil, he doesn't know." Caleb interrupts which makes both Austin and I frown at him. He looks at me, shaking his head. "It's not what you think."

"What the hell is going on between the two of you? I'm so sick of your inside talks and the codewords you use, and you had a love bite on your neck the other day." He looks at me, exasperated before turning to his boyfriend. "Caleb, how can you blame me for thinking that you're cheating on me with her?" Austin throws his hand in the air but as soon as I process his words, I turn to Caleb wide-eyed.

"Oh my god." I look between the two of them, the realisation finally hitting me and the guilt just worsens as I notice the dark circles underneath their eyes. I stare at Caleb incredulously, "Why haven't you told him?"

"See, this is what I'm talking about, if you guys are hooking up, just tell me and I'll step aside. But to reassure me with false hope, and to confess your love for me, Caleb? That's so damn low."

I turn around and can't help a little anger I feel towards Austin for accusing Caleb for cheating on him. Does he not see how crazy he is for him? Oh, god! What have I done?

"Austin, you're literally so off track." I tell him and he frowns at me but I turn to Caleb. "Why?"

He shrugs lightly, hurt covering his face as he looks at Austin, "It wasn't my place to tell. I tried to reassure him that there's nothing between us without having to tell your situation, Lil. I thought I deserved some trust but apparently not."

Oh, Caleb! The hurt and disappointment in his voice makes me feel responsible for this situation so much, and in a way I am. Although I would've liked Caleb to at least consider asking me sharing my secret with Austin if it was interfering in his life at such a scale.

"How the hell are you playing victim card right now?" Austin glares at him.

"You know what? I'm so done with your shit, Austin. All I've ever done is reassure you that I love you, because I really do, but you should've had a little faith in me. If you don't trust me to believe me when I tell you I'm not cheating on you, then I don't know what the hell we are doing being in a relationship after four fucking months."

With that, he storms off, not realising the audience he gathered with his voice rising and I debate between going after him but I have something more important to take care of at the moment so I turn to Austin.

"C'mon. We'll sit in my car and talk." I tell him and he looks a little hesitant while also recovering from the shock and hurt from Caleb's words but I just take his elbow to make him follow me, thankful that no other friend of ours has noticed the scene.

When I reach my car, I unlock it and Austin slides in without a word. It's in parking so I turn to him, taking a deep breath. "Why would you ever think he's cheating on you after he confessed his love to you weeks back?" I try to make sense out of this situation.

"He told you about that?" He asks in disbelief and I nod. "He confessed but I wasn't sure how I felt, then I started noticing how you two always had some little eye conversations, so definitely something's up between you two."

Oh, god! What a mess this is. "I know you don't know this Austin, and I really didn't want to tell you under given circumstances but I'm married." He stares at me with his jaw literally in the air and I sigh. "Say something."

"What?" He asks, blinking and I repeat myself which makes him shake his head. "You're married?"

"Yes, I am."

"Oh, god, Lillian! What have you done?" He gasps, his hand coming up to his mouth as he continues to stare at me. "You could've told me. Oh god, he knows doesn't he, and that's why you guys have been so secretive about it? Fuck. It all makes sense. He would never put you under the bus to convince me otherwise, oh fuck! What have I done?"

"Austin." I put my hand on his shoulder to bring him back to reality. "Breathe, please."

He nods, taking in long breaths. "Fuck. Why didn't you tell the rest of us, why him? I thought the two of you made up a guy you were dating just so anyone wouldn't doubt it, and Caleb has been the only one to actually see you two together."

"I came in a sour mood one day and he told me I could talk to him, so I did. It's complicated shit that I don't want to get into but you have to understand that I only told you right now because of how worse you imagined things to be." I express honestly and he just stares at me in shock, still processing. "I'm sorry that you guys had so much trouble because of me."

He shakes his head, "It's not your fault, Lil. It's mine. He tried so hard to make it work but I got so insecure like I always do. He's bi, you know? I tend to get so jealous anytime he gets close to any girl or a guy, thinking that I'll never be enough. This is completely on me."

"Just talk to him, you know?" I suggest because so far communication has done wonders for James and I.

We've had a very few disagreements over the last couple of weeks with him being extremely understanding because of my stress from finals but he has been absolutely amazing to me, giving me my space to study as well as process things from therapy.

Austin nods, sighing. "Will it be too much to ask for a ride?"

I smile at him. "No, just put the address in GPS?"

He nods, moving to do so and I pull the car from parking and start driving, my eyes shifting back to him from time to time but he seems too lost in his thoughts to actually hold a conversation, probably processing everything so I don't interrupt his introspection either.

When I reach the address he put in, I turn to him. "Just be honest with him how you feel, Austin. You just have to tell him what you already know. And in case you want to ask him things about me for better clarification and peace, tell him I'm good with that."

I give him a small smile and he nods. "Thanks, Lil."

He gets out of the car and I make my way to the mansion, realising that I too do need to catch up on my sleep because I haven't slept properly this week. One argument that James and I had was about me not going to bed but I tried to make him understand that because he's such a light sleeper, he always ends up waking when I slide in the middle of the night so I preferred sleeping in my bedroom instead, which led to him explaining me that it was 'our' bedroom, not his or mine.

The anxiety from the entire Caleb and Austin's situation resurfaces as I park in the driveway, trying to put a finger on what's the dominant emotion I'm feeling and what's the thought it's leading to, exactly like Dr. Wilson said I should whenever I feel anxious because it will help me trace it back to the source, and once I know the stressor, it can be dealt with more easily than an unknown trigger.

I pick up my bag from the backseat before getting out of the car and going inside. I immediately spot Carrack in the living room and he gives me a huge smile when he notices my presence. "Lil, done with junior year?"

"Yes, finally! No office today?" I ask, shifting my bag on the shoulder.

"I decided to take off, a much needed day and spend it at home." He smiles and I nod. "Oh, by the way, James mentioned you guys will be moving out this week."

"He did?" I sound surprised because I am, I had no clue we were since he didn't mention it before. "Well, I guess then more space for you."

He chuckles, "I don't think I need anything apart from the office and bedroom, but thanks kid. Are you joining the internship soon?"

"Yeah, I sent in my resume to the HR, I'm just waiting for a call back now." I tell him, a little nervous and omitting some details.

He nods and I give him a small smile before going to the elevator hallway. When I reach the floor, I make my way into my bedroom and decide to take another shower because of how hot it is. James won't be home for another couple of hours so I decide to take a nap because I'm sure if I have to spend tonight at Max and Ashley's, I wouldn't get any sleep either.

When I lie down, I can't help but think about the entire Caleb and Austin situation. I never thought my one secret could damage someone's relationship like that. It's the guilt I feel, and it's so strong that it settles a heart sinking feeling inside me so I type a quick apology to Caleb for putting him in this situation.

Sleep doesn't come easily to me so I toss and turn in my bed, moving in and out of it restlessly until I feel a hand grazing my cheek and my eyes shoot open, my heart beat frantic.

"Hey, shh, it's just me." James's soft voice relaxes me a little and I take a deep breath and stare at his beautiful face. He's in office clothes only, white shirt and blue slack pants. "How was the exam?"

"Will pass." I shrug, my voice a little groggy from the sleep so I clear my throat. "How was office?"

"Good but exhausting." He gives me a small smile, his hand continuing to caress my cheek, sending both warmth and flutter to my stomach. "Can we go out tonight? You're done with junior year, I think some wine would help you relax."

As exciting as the offer is, I give him an apologetic look. "My friends are having a taco night."

"Oh."

The immediate disappointment on his face makes me nervous as I look at him masking the emotion and give me a nod. God, this is what I mean when I get torn up between my marriage and the things I should be doing as a young college student.

"I'm sorry." I apologise, not liking that he's upset. He just nods, doesn't say a word and I debate internally whether or not I should share my friend's relationship conflict with him because I really want to talk to someone about it but I don't know who else to talk to. Dr. Wilson's words about open and honest communication runs through my head and I try to give it a shot. "Can I share something with you and you promise not to judge me?"

He frowns at me but nods. "I don't ever judge you, Lil. What is it?"

I sit up a little in the bed and he turns a little so he's facing me. "You remember Caleb and Austin, right?" He nods and I continue to tell him everything that happened today.

One thing I've noticed about James is that he's a patient listener, he would listen to me talk without interrupting until I would tell him I was done talking and then share his opinion, which amazingly not a lot of people are capable of. There's so much I admire about this man, from his good looks to his smart mind and his intimidating aura along with his way of handling things. In the past one month I've realised how I'm the more affectionate one out of us two but he has never once asked me to not be that way with him, in fact I know he welcomes it with open arms even though he always doesn't show it himself.

"He thought Caleb gave you the mark?" James asks, amusement clear in his eyes and I groan. Is that all he got out of all this?  "Sorry, love. But it sounds like Austin's trust issues, you have got nothing to do with it."

"Yes, but if I had told my friends, he would have never doubted him, you know?" I fumble with my fingers and he sighs, taking my hand in his. "It's just that I feel terrible that they are in that entire situation because of me. I don't even know what can I do to fix it."

"Okay, so you did tell him you're married and that's the most you could've done. You cannot take the blame for everything that goes wrong in other people's life, you know? From what you told me, Caleb tried to reassure him so really it's the trust issue from Austin's side, if it hadn't been because of you, then it could've been something else. I told you last week too, you go too hard on yourself, Lil. This isn't on you."

I process his words and while they help, I still do feel responsible. I sigh, nodding at him and giving him a thankful expression because I really needed to hear what he said. If I look at it objectively, James is right but then when I'm involved, it doesn't seem that way.

"Thank you." I whisper. "Although I've decided to tell my friends tonight."

"You have?" His grin is almost immediate and I can't help laugh a little, nodding. "Good, because I'd really like people to know you're off limits."

"Can we do the wine and dine tomorrow?" I ask, a little hopeful and he nods, leaning forward to kiss me. I wonder if I'm ever going to get used to how he makes me feel. "Carrack mentioned that we're moving out this week?"

"Did he now?" He smirks and I give him a look which only adds onto his amusement.

"I've been asking you if the apartment is ready since a week now." I complain, studying his face but he doesn't give anything away rather just shrugs at me. "That isn't fair."

"When has anything between us ever been?" He gets up from the bed. "I'm done with you spending time in this room though. I'm assuming you're going to stay over at your friends tonight?"

I nod, biting my inner lip because I'm not sure how he'll react to that but he doesn't say anything, just nods back in acknowledgment. James and I worked on our communication while I've tried to relax more in his presence. I don't think there ever will be a day when he won't seem intimidating but he has tried to open up with me as well.

"Can I give you a ride?" He asks and I smile.

"I'd like that."

James turns to the bathroom to probably go take a shower while I change into shorts and a tank top, something I can easily sleep in too. I just put a few things in my hang bag but apart from that don't feel the need to carry anything else.

Chloe hasn't spoken to me or even come across me ever since the argument about moving out happened, and I'm grateful because just being in her presence alone spoils my mood. But James does mention her here and there, it's another thing about him — he cares a lot of about his father and sister.

There's a slight knock on the door before the knob turns and James peeks in. "You ready?" He asks until his eyes focus on my clothes and he gives me a look. "You're wearing that?"

"Yes." I reply, not leaving any space for questioning and his staring gets a little intense as his jaw twitches but he doesn't say another word.

After I exit the room, I reach for his hand and relax a little when he doesn't pull away but doesn't say anything either. Upon reaching the car downstairs, he opens the door for me and I thank him before sliding in. I unlock my phone to connect to the car audio system and my nerves start kicking in with the idea of telling my friends, and wondering if Austin and Caleb would be there.

I put my classics and Doris Day's voice fills the car, making James looks at me. "Why do you like classics?"

"I don't know, it has this entire vibe to it, don't you think?" I shrug and he nods.

"I had plans for us tonight, and I'm not saying you shouldn't have them with your friends because I'm really willing to adjust, but sometimes I'd like this relationship to be prioritised too."

His words feel like a low blow and I take in a shaky breath. "You don't think I prioritise this relationship?"

He doesn't look at me, his eyes fixed on the road but his grip on the steering wheel turns a little tighter and I stare at his face waiting for him to respond. "Last time we adjusted our date to day plans, today you're going over. I know these are just two instances but I'm just talking for future reference."

When he puts it like that, he isn't wrong. Even if it wasn't a marriage situation, I still would've had to make choices sometimes but this feels like a lot with the tag it holds. I sigh, not wanting to argue as I look at him. "Pick me up tonight, or I'll be back myself."

"What?" He scowls at me, his voice a little confused and loud. "No, that's not what I meant, you should stay with your friends."

I shake my head, making up my mind. "I know I've barely made time for you due to my finals, so just pick me up tonight. Since I'm already telling them about you, you can also meet them and we can stay out, go somewhere late night or just stay cooped up in the room and spend time with each other."

His features soften magically as he looks at me with an unsure look. "Are you sure? I genuinely meant it for future reference."

"James, I wanna do this, promise. I can have taco night with them, and spend the rest of the night with you." I assure him and he reluctantly nods, making me smile.

When we reach Ashley's apartment building, he parks the car but doesn't get out like last time. He just gives my hand a light squeeze before his eyes focus on my other hand. "Want ms to carry your rings?"

I shake my head, smiling. "Nope. I think it's about time my friends know about Lillian Clark in all her stupid glory."

He laughs at my words. "Stupidly amazing, gorgeous Lillian Clark. I'll see you in couple of hours."

When I get out of the car, I text him Ashley's apartment number so that he can directly come upstairs to pick me up. My nerves start kicking in as I get in the elevator, hoping that Natalie doesn't bring a date but even if she does, I'm not backtracking on my decision. I need to do this, more for myself than for anyone else. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm married at almost twenty one, I have a beautiful, intimidating husband who sometimes makes me want to run for the hills, but I have such strong feelings for him that it's worth it all.

I knock on the apartment door and it's Max who opens the door, giving me a huge hug. "Everyone's here, we ordered fifty tacos because we're having a marathon of who can eat the most."

"Oh my god, are you guys crazy?" I laugh, entering the living room to see Caleb and Austin sitting on the couch, they both look a little better than this morning but the circles under their eyes are pretty evident.

Austin avoids my eyes while Caleb just offers me a small smile. Natalie waves at me from the couch and I notice a girl with pink hair and two lip rings sitting by her side, her hand on Nat's thigh.

"Lillian, Anna." Natalie starts, "Anna, this is my friend Lillian."

"Nice to meet you." She gives out a surprisingly warm smile which I return.

"Oh, good. How come you're always the last one to arrive, man?" Ashley hugs from me behind and I laugh, patting her head as I try to resolve my nerves.

"You guys didn't mention a time." I shrug, and turn to everyone. God, if I don't do this right now, I'm definitely going to chicken out. "There's something I have to tell you guys, and I'm sorry already that it has taken me so long to say this."

"Lillian." Austin finally speaks up, looking at me. "You don't have to."

I shake my head. "I want to."

"What's going on?" Max frowns as he pulls Ashley to himself and I breathe, looking between my friends and Anna who looks a little out of the place.

"I'm going to get some water." She stands up, and I offer her a thankful smile which she just nods back to.

"Well?" Ashley asks, looking confused and I take a deep breath.

"I'm married."