I can hear the constant beeping of the machines as a slight groan leaves my mouth from the pain that shoots through my body. I slowly open my eyes only to realise that I can hear two people talking in the room.

James's voice hits my ear as I wake up, realising how dry my throat feels, like someone is rubbing the sandpaper against it.

"She'll be fine." I hear Carrack's voice.

"I don't know what I would do if she isn't." James sighs. His eyes flicker to me and he immediately rushes to my side. "Lillian?"

"Water." I let out and he reaches above my head to press a button, the light blinding my eyes. "Can you turn that light off?"

He nods, moving to do just that. I feel the IV going through my arm and the oximeter attached to my finger, making me sigh as I feel like my body is breaking apart.

A nurse walks through the door. She's young and is wearing a kind smile as she looks at me. "You're awake."

"Yeah. Can I please have some water?" I ask, and she sighs, shaking her head.

"Your surgery was performed this morning. I'm afraid you're going to have to wait a couple of hours before you can drink water."

"That's ridiculous." James frowns at her, voicing my thoughts.

But her words hit something deep inside me. I finally had the surgery, making it even more real or surreal, I'm not sure. This finalises my living nightmare of never being able to conceive. I gulp at the thought, instructing myself to focus on my physical health for the moment because getting lost in my thoughts is a spiral I don't want to go down.

"Doctor's orders, Mr. Clark."

She picks up a chart from the side of my bed before she asks me a couple of questions. Honestly, my thoughts are so hazy that I keep losing track of what I'm telling her.

"I would suggest you let her rest." She looks at James who glares at her.

"It's okay," I tell her and she offers me a smile before leaving.

My eyes move to Carrack who's standing on the edge of my bed. He smiles at me. "How are you feeling, Lil?"

"Fabulous." I try to smile a little, making him laugh a little. "Are my parents here too?"

"Yeah. I tried to send them home, but they wouldn't listen. Jer too." James informs and I nod.

My family didn't take the news of my cancer very well. My parents cried too much for my own good and Jeremy couldn't even look at me without breaking down. At one point I had to console and reassure them instead of the other way around. James played a role in talking to them, and that's another thing I'm grateful to him for.

After we came back from Birmingham, we scheduled a surgery for two weeks later.

"I'll go tell them you're awake." Carrack looks at us and I offer him a nod.

I have a tube in my nose for oxygen, and it's very, very uncomfortable along with all these other wires attached to my body. My eyes move to James and he looks on the verge of breakdown.

"So? What's the verdict?" I ask him, dreading the news.

Before he can respond to me, my parents enter the room. My mother looks like she has cried herself to sickness while my father looks much better, making me smile because these people have been my sense of strength for the past two weeks apart from my friends.

Caleb has been awfully motivating throughout the upcoming day of surgery. Austin and him hung out with me every day when I forced James to go to work. Jeremy had to go back to college, but he promised me he would be here today.

"Hey, honey." My mother smiles at me. "How do you feel?"

"Nauseous." I respond truthfully because I feel like I can puke any moment.

"It's the anaesthesia wearing off. Dr Green said it might happen for the rest of the day." James informs me and I groan. Great! As if the bodily pain wasn't enough.

"Are you guys okay?" I look at my parents and both of them nod at me.

"Yes, as long as you are."

"What about Jer? Has he eaten?"

"Sh.. everyone's fine, Lil. You need to rest, please." My father assures me.

I look at James and he's sulking. I don't know what to think about that. I don't want to know about what the surgery revealed in front of anyone else. My parents spend another few minutes with me before leaving and I turn my head to my man.

"Hey." I smile a little at him despite how awful I feel. "Come here."

I pat next to my bed as I shift a little, a loud wince leaving me. "Don't move, Lil. You're going to hurt yourself."

"Too late." I let out a groan, realising how just moving an inch made the pain so much worse and the anaesthesia hasn't even worn off yet.

Regardless, he sits by my side on the chair as he takes my hand in his, his fingers rubbing over my knuckles. I wish I had access to his head because sometimes I wonder what makes him scowl so deeply.

"James?" I catch his attention. "What's going on?"

He sighs, pressing a kiss on my palm. "They removed your uterus."

"And?"

"And it had a huge tumour. It was worse than they predicted, it was spread throughout the entire lining which is why it spread a little to the surrounding parts."

No. Fuck, no.

"James, no." I shake my head. "Don't tell me–"

"No." He puts a stop to my thoughts. "They removed it surgically, Lil. But you still need to undergo chemo because some parts are still there."

"But I'm going to be fine?"

"I don't know what fine is at the moment but you should be fine."

His words calm me a little. I understand what he means, about how we don't know the definition of fine anymore but as long as I'm not dying tomorrow, I can get through today for him. That's what I have concluded in the past few weeks. I need to take my life one day at a time.

"Will you kiss me?" I ask him and he doesn't even hesitate before leaning forward to place a peck on my lips as I brush back his hair. "I just want you to be okay."

"I want the same for you." He gives me a small smile. "It's breaking my heart to see you like this."

Oh, baby. I know how hard he's trying to keep it together. I wish I could hug him but I know my body wouldn't allow me that much movement right now so I just give his hand a light squeeze.

"I'm fine, James."

"Fine." He grumbles, shaking his head. "I'm so sorry I can't get you anything."

I shrug. "It's okay. Just a couple of more hours. Is it okay if I try to sleep? I'm feeling like I would puke otherwise."

"Of course, love. Do you want me to leave?"

"Never." I tighten my hold on his hand as I close my eyes, letting the sleep take over.

When I wake up again, I throw a huge tantrum over wanting water because it had been couple of hours and the Nurse still wouldn't allow. Dr Green visited me and let the nurse give me water along with some soup because I can only take liquid diet for a while.

She told me what James had already filled me in. Honestly, I wasn't counting on waking up cancer-free after my surgery. So, it didn't come as a surprise when she told me that I still had it and had to undergo an extensive chemotherapy for the same.

It would be starting as soon as my body heals from the surgery, and as much as I'm looking forward to heal from the surgery, I'm shitting my pants at the thought of chemo.

"What are you thinking?" I ask James as he sets up his laptop on the table for me so we can have a movie date in hospital the next day.

"About how stupid I was to spend the first couple of months being cold with you after the wedding." He tells me honestly, making my heart ache from the thought of the lost time.

It's ironic how people assume they have a forever together, but it only takes a small diagnosis to leave your life upside down. I promised him a lifetime of our bond, and right now as I stare in his green vulnerable eyes, I don't know if I will be here next year. But what I do know is that I would spend even the last breath of mine fulfilling my promise and giving him enough love to last a lifetime.

"We both were stupid. I hated the marriage too." I shrug at him, glad that I'm able to adjust my body a little due to the bed adjustment which lets me sit slightly.

"I wish I could turn back time because I want to spend it loving you." He whispers, his eyes shining under the brightness from his laptop's screen and I swallow the lump that forms in my throat.

"You've made up for the loss time, trust me." I assure him.

He doesn't believe me but I wish he did, because he has. He has loved me so much, much more than I actually deserved or imagined him loving me. When our relationship began, I couldn't even imagine that this man could ever be in love with me but he has proven me wrong every step of the way because his love is such, that I've never once doubted it. I've always just known.

I can look into his eyes, see the pain he feels for me right now and understand that whatever our future holds, he's always going to love me. That's why my heart hurts for him constantly.

"We're only watching this for an hour, after that you're sleeping." He reminds me and I nod, leaning into his hand caressing my cheek.

I want to talk to him about so much, but I want to be able to sit straight and also be home in our bed to be able to do that. It is not a conversation for the hospital.

"It was a terrible idea to watch a funny movie." I pout, my insides hurting. "I'd rather cry than feel hurt."

He smiles at me adorably. "You can watch as many movies as you want when you're back home tomorrow."

"Really?" My voice peaks up. "Am I getting discharged?"

He nods, "Yeah. Your stitches will be removed in another ten days, but till then you can stay at home and rest."

The next morning, James helps me change into my own comfortable clothes before he keeps rushing in and out the room to complete the discharge papers.

"Hey." I look up to see Jeremy who I haven't seen since the day of the surgery. "You okay?"

"Yeah. I'm just moving my body for the first time after the operation. It's painful." I grimace as I put my feet down on the floor. "A little help?"

"Shit, yes," He rushes to my side to help me stand and I feel like my bones would crack from my weight. "When the hell did you get so light?"

"Since cancer." I reply, a scowl forming on his features in response. "You have to learn to live with it, Jer."

"Watch me ignore it." He scoffs. "How are you okay with this?"

"Does this look okay to you?" I gesture towards my face, causing him to sigh as he gives me an apologetic look. "I've cried over it for a month now. I need to learn that it's a part of me. If I let its fear overwhelm me, I'm just going to succumb to it. I'd rather master the bitch."

He smiles a little at my words. "I'm so proud of you, you know that?"

I kiss his cheek, repeating my own positive words to myself. I put a braver front for my family because I know I have James who would let me break in front of him. If my family sees me breaking down, they would hit a level deeper than rock bottom and I can't have that.

"Why are you standing?" James scolds me as soon as he enters the room.

"Because I still have legs unlike my uterus?" I offer sarcastically, earning dirty looks from both of them.

"Not funny, Lil." He admonishes me and I sit back down on the bed, narrowing my eyes at him. He turns to Jeremy. "I'm almost done with her discharge papers. Will you get the file from the nurse, and ask her to bring a wheelchair?"

"I'm not going out on a wheelchair." I protest.

He sighs at my words but gestures for Jeremy to go do as he said.

"James, I can walk."

"I hear you." He grumbles.

"Stop treating me like a baby."

"Stop acting like one, Lil." He sounds incredibly tired. "You've just gotten a major surgery done. Do you seriously think you can walk till the car?"

"Yes." I argue. "I can."

I couldn't.

He let me have the upper hand but as soon I stepped into the lobby, I felt my insides screaming at me. He didn't say anything to me, he just held me until Jeremy got the wheelchair for me. I was glad when he didn't rub the 'I told you so' in my face because the fact that I couldn't even walk on my own made me feel terribly helpless.

This isn't how I want to feel for the rest of my life. I know I'll be able to walk and go back to a routine slowly but I don't want to dependent on anyone. I want to spend the rest of the time doing things for myself.

Jeremy didn't come home with us. But when we get home, my friends call James to tell him they are dropping by.

"I told them to wait, that you would want to rest," James tells me but I shake my head.

"It's okay. This is good." I give him a small smile. "I just want to lie down, though."

"Of course, I'll get you settled down first and then they can see you."

"Thank you." I kiss his cheek as he helps me walk to the bedroom.

I lie down, a groan erupting through me as I feel a pressure on my stitches. James offers me a worried look but I just smile at him, reassuring him that I'm okay.

"I'll get you some juice." He kisses my forehead, making my genuine smile come through.

As awfully as my heart has been breaking since the surgery, James has been helping me keep tethered to the reality. I have this constant lump in my throat that I can't seem to swallow down as my heart feels like it would jump out of my chest whenever I think about my life.

There's a slight knock on the bedroom door and I look up to see Caleb entering, followed by Ashley and Austin. Max and Natalie enter at the end, surprising me with the former's presence along with Ashley.

"You guys didn't have to come." I try to sit up a little as James enters the room and offers me the juice.

Caleb sits by my side on the bed while Austin sits in front of him, looking at me like he would start crying any moment. Max pulls out a chair from the desk by the wall and gestures for Ashley to sit down, his actions showing that he still cares.

He stands behind her chair as Natalie sits down on the edge of the bed by my feet.

"Aus." I look at him, waiting for his tears to spill. "I'm okay, babe. Don't cry."

"I wasn't going to," He speaks as his tears run down. "You didn't have to call me out like that."

I smile at him, gesturing for James to sit by my side. His body provides me the immediate warmth as I stare at my bunch of friends who I never thought would last this long,

"How do you feel?" Caleb asks me, his hand coming over mine and I try not to wince because it had IV in it until a few hours ago. "Shit, sorry. IV?"

I give him a sheepish nod. "Yeah. I'm okay. Seriously. Still alive, very much here. Please don't act like someone died."

James arm tightens around me at my words and I sigh, hoping that along with my own fear, I can cure his. I lean my head back a little as I stare at everyone.

"What did the doctors say?" Natalie asks me, and I'm glad that the question isn't directed at James like others tend to do.

"Chemo starts as soon as I recover from the surgery." I repeat the words in a monotonous voice and all of them nod at me. "Max, how's work?"

"Surprisingly good." He smiles at me. "Are you going to be able to party soon?"

I can't bite back my smile. "Yes, can't wait to go back to alcohol every weekend."

James rolls his eyes at our sarcasm but I'm glad at least someone can joke with me without acting like I would break into pieces. But it's like Max nudges everyone off, because a normal conversation breaks through until an hour later when all of them decide to leave.

"Take care of yourself, Lil." Caleb instructs me. "I'll visit next week."

"Thanks, Cal." I pass him a grateful look.

Just when they leave, I hear another doorbell which makes me internally groan. I love people in my life, but I'm tired and I want to spend time with James. But then Hale walks through the door and my spirits lift up a little.

"Lil." He smiles at me, coming forward to give me his bear hug but James immediately stops him.

"No hugs, man."

"What?" Hale pouts. "I promise to give a feather hug. You wouldn't even feel it."

"Thomas," James glares at him but I just laugh, leaning forward a little.

"Come here, Hale." I extend my arms and he genuinely gives me such a feather like hug. After we're done, James has his grumpy face on. "I'm fine, baby."

He shakes his head at me as Hale sits down on the bed. "How are you feeling?"

"Like I'm really tired of answering that question," I tell him honestly because I can be honest with him.

"I understand. Sorry that Alex couldn't come. She's caught up at work."

"Hey, please no apologies. If it weren't for her, I wouldn't have him here." I tug at James's arms and he nods at Hale.

"She's right. Alex's been great help at work."

Hale smiles at us, nodding. He doesn't ask me anything related to my health as he hangs out with us. After a while, I doze off when my eyes start to get droopy. I know I am on a lot of medications which is why my thoughts also remain so dizzy.

When I wake up, Hale is nowhere in sight but James is lying down on the other side of the bed, his eyes staring at me intently.

"Hey." I smile at him, glad to have him all by myself. "I missed you."

"I'm here, love." He leans forward to kiss me. "You need to eat."

"In a while, please."

He nods at me, going back to staring at me before he sighs, his hand coming up to my cheeks as he caresses my skin softly.

"Can you promise me something?" I ask.

"Anything."

"I know I'm going to lose my hair after chemo, if not all then some so I might as well cut it short. But promise me, you're not touching a single hair on your head to support me."

"What?" He chuckles.

"Like the thought hasn't crossed your mind." I roll my eyes. "I want your support, I love it, but I love your hair too much to see you get rid of it."

"Okay. I won't cut my hair to support you, that's me supporting you." He smiles at me before it falters as his eyes read my face. "Sometimes I feel like I'm in a nightmare. I'm going to wake up, and tell you about this horrible dream I had and you would reassure me that everything is fine, that you're healthy and we're okay."

His words make the tears I have supressed for so many days sting in my eyes.

"You're awake, and we're more than okay." I intertwine my fingers with his, realising how such a small amount of gesture makes my heart feel so full. "Just because I'm not healthy doesn't mean we're doomed."

"I know, love. That's the only thing that gives me hope."

"That's the only thing that keeps me going."

He nods at me, kissing the back of my hand as he sighs. I know he would freak out if I have the conversation with him, but I need to. It might take him some time, but he'll understand.

"James?"

"Mm?"

"I want to resign from the job." I whisper and his eyes shoot up, meeting mine. He smiles at me, nodding but then I speak up again. "Remember the long-term goal?"

I knew he would be more than happy if I decide to quit my job, but that's not what this is about. It's much, much more than that. I sigh, facing him as I trace the back of my hand on his cheeks.

"Lil, you can't think about that right now."

"Right now is the only time to think about it." He shakes his head. "At least hear me out?"

"Okay." He responds reluctantly.

"You always knew corporate was a short-term thing for me. I like it, but in long run, I've always wanted to save up enough from these jobs to raise money for the social work."

He nods at me. "Yes, but that was before."

"I can't sit here all day, James. I need to do something and I'm sorry for what I'm about to say next but I really don't know how long I have. If five years it is, then I want to live the rest of it knowing that I'm doing things I wanted to live for."

James knows it from as long as he has gotten to know me that my short-term plans have been just a means to an end to my long-term goals. I've always wanted to work in the communities and social work but I needed money to be able to do that. Over the years, I've been able to save up enough to get it started at a very small scale, but it will be something.

"Lillian. Don't say that. You've got a lifetime for this. This wasn't in the picture for another ten years." He reminds me of my timeline.

"Earlier I had ten years. Baby, there's only so many lifetimes I can fit in a few years. Let me live ours while I try to get even an essence of mine." I plead, aware that I need him to agree with me on this. I need all the support I can get, and I can't risk losing him. "James, I've thought it all. I've got a plan. That's what I've been doing since last couple of weeks."

"What?" He looks at me in surprise. "When?"

"Get my laptop."

He moves to the side desk and switches it on for me. I instruct him to follow some files and then I give him his time to read through the blueprint. He takes his time to go through it before turning to me.

"Shit, you're serious."

I nod. "I want to do this."

"Are you sure you don't want to look into other aspects other than the orphanages and child centres, love?"

He sounds worried, and I knew he would be. It's too close to home but that's exactly what made me narrow it down. If I can pour my heart into this, I don't understand why it wouldn't flourish. I nod at him, gulping to hear his reviews as he sighs.

"You seem to have a plan." He gestures to the laptop before closing the screen and keeping it aside. He turns to me, pulling me in his arms. "How sure are you?"

"As much as I love you."

His eyebrows raise from surprise at the certainty of my tone but it's true. I want to get involved with orphanages and child centres. I've done the basic research through internet and made a plan but I still need a lot of investors to actually go ahead. I ran CSR budget values of some of the top-most companies of Atlanta and I just need a strong presentation to pitch now.

When I started seeing the psycho-oncologist from Dr Green's team, he told me to try to find a motive, that's when I knew that it was time to prepone my plans.

"Will you let me help?" He asks and I smile, nodding when I realise that he isn't putting up a fight.

"Only if it's through fair means."

"I don't expect anything less from you." He kisses me. "You inspire me so much, you know that?"

"You do the same, each day."

"Just wait until you're a little well, please?" He pleads, and I sigh against his lips, kissing him again.

"I love you, James."

All this while I was looking for my strength to set myself free when I felt trapped into my own life. But as I kiss him, I know it's right here. His love is my strength.

"I love you, Lillian."

I thought this marriage would suffocate me, and in so many ways it did. It made me question myself, it made me question the world, but all of that turned upside down when my relationship with him began. With every moment I spent with him, instead of finding it harder to breathe, I found myself craving it like fresh air. Society might have driven me to this bondage of a label of marriage, but it was our feelings for each other that helped me grow.

Love isn't supposed to restrict you, it's supposed to liberate you. All this while I thought he was my ultimate destruction, but in reality, growing in love with him was my only key to emancipation.

•••

can't believe this is the last chapter! :') the epilogue will be super short. just a heads up!