I spent the entire night sitting in the living room because I couldn't bring myself to sleep. The bedroom didn't feel the same without his presence, knowing that he's out there god knows where. The only time I went in there was to change out of my dress in the closet.

My heart felt too empty, like someone had constantly punched it enough for it to sink deep down in my stomach, but there was absolutely no sign of James. I think I've lost count of how many times I've checked my phone or called him to only reach his voicemail, both his work and personal number.

"This is James Clark, please leave your message." I remember the first time I heard it, I almost rolled my eyes. This was when I called him after the engagement, to meet up and find a way to stall the wedding or get rid of it completely. He took me out to dinner only to leave the responsibility of breaking off the engagement on my shoulders. I wonder what would've happened, where would I be if I wasn't married to him. Probably asleep in my dorm room, not trying to keep it together because I can't seem to reach my husband.

I try his personal number again but it reaches his voicemail too, the sound of his voice only pushing me to tears further that I'm trying to hold back. "If you can't reach me here, please contact my office in case it's urgent."

There was too much that happened last night, and I completely understand that James needed the time to process that someone he kept so dear to him had betrayed him like that — I can't imagine how heartbroken he was but if only he hadn't left like that.

"Mrs. Clark?" Reece's voice makes me jump and I turn to see her standing in middle of the living room.

"Hey, any news?" I ask, referring to James's whereabouts but she gives me an apologetic look.

"He seems to have disconnected the car GPS last night, ma'am. His last location is five minutes away from the apartment after he drove off."

Her words should surprise me, but they really don't. He doesn't want to be disturbed or found. I nod at her and she excuses herself to the surveillance room before I pick up my phone and instead of calling the number I know by heart, I dial another one.

"Lillian?" His voice is groggy, and I assume he was asleep since it's seven in the morning on a Saturday.

"Hey, I'm so sorry for calling you so early." I clench my hands in order to stop them trembling.

I really thought being worried for James would distract me from how Richard stood in front of me last night and stared at me like that, but each time I closed my eyes, I could feel my body convulsing from the terror that ran through my body. Chloe's words rang in my head throughout, despite how much I tried to push them away. I still can't believe I slapped her, because I've never raised a hand at anyone. Although a huge part of me is proud of doing what I did, aware that she deserved it.

"What's wrong?" He immediately asks and I bite on my tongue to stop myself from crying. I haven't shed a single tear since last night, and I'm not breaking down now. I need to keep my head straight. "Lillian? Both of you left the party without saying anything, are you guys okay?"

I shake my head, realising that he can't see me so I take a deep breath. "Something happened at the party, and we came back but he didn't come upstairs. He just left, Hale. The GPS to his car is disconnected, and his phone's going straight to the voicemail. I don't know what to do."

"Fuck." I hear him curse and some shuffling in the background, then a woman's voice, immediately realising that it's Alex. I feel bad for disturbing them. "Can you tell me what happened?"

"It's better if you hear it from him," I tell him, somehow feeling like it isn't my place to reveal this, even if he's his best friend. My stomach clenches further as I continue to stare at the rug on the floor. "Do you have any idea where he could be?"

"I don't know, Lil. He has never disappeared like this, the most he does is take a short trip out of town every year during July. But we know where he goes, he has a cabin there." He explains and this new information is surprising but also ignites a little hope in me.

"Is there someone we can contact there? Maybe he went to clear his head." I notice how my tone has picked up.

"Yes, yes. I think I have the keeper's number somewhere in my phone, I'll call him on my way over."

His words make me sigh, "You don't have to come over."

"Bullshit! I'm already a little pissed you didn't call me last night. How the hell did you sleep? Wait- don't answer that. You didn't sleep at all, did you?"

I shake my head, rubbing my temples. "I couldn't even if I tried. He could've walked in any minute."

He sighs on the other end and hangs up after telling me that he'll be here in less than an hour. My thoughts go back to James as I watch the clock tick away, my head starting to hurt from overthinking. I have a therapy appointment at ten, and I don't want to miss it, unless he comes back home.

Reece steps out and looks at me, "Is there anything I can get you?"

I shake my head, "No, thank you. You should get some rest yourself."

"It's fine, Mrs. Clark. I'm just headed out to get Mrs. George from the Clark Mansion." She tells me and I scowl a little at her words. "I'll update you as soon as I hear anything, ma'am. Mark and their security back at the Enterprise is out looking for him. We haven't informed his father, if that's what you're worried about."

I gave them clear instructions that Carrack shouldn't know about this since Chloe is so massively involved and I know James would never break his father's heart by telling him her truth.

"Again, remind Mark that the media shouldn't get a sniff of this, it'll be really bad otherwise. We don't need that kind of attention right now."

She nods, "We know, Mrs. Clark. He's good at his job."

"So are you, Reece. Thank you." I manage to give her a nod which she returns with a small smile.

After what seems like three hours but was only half an hour, Hale walks in and I immediately run to hug him. He doesn't let go of me for some minutes and I wait for the tears to come but I feel so numb that I just sigh before pulling back.

"I checked a few bars while coming over." He informs me as he takes a seat on the couch. "Nothing. I tried his phones, left a few very descriptive voicemails."

I shake my head at him, knowing that it's pointless to leave the voicemails if he isn't going to switch on his phones. I left at least five before I gave up, knowing that if he wanted to talk, he would be sitting beside me.

While a part of me understands his disappearance, there's another huge part of me that is so angry at James for leaving me like this, but I make that selfish part of me understand that I can't even begin to imagine what he's feeling. He was betrayed by his sister, that has to count for a lot.

"He's not at the cabin either." Hale informs me and I sigh, putting my palms on my eyes to stop the throbbing pain. "He'll be home, you know that, right?"

I nod, gulping, "I know he will be fine but once in a while there's this tiny voice in my head, Hale. It whispers the worst imaginable scenarios, and I just..."

My voice cracks and Hale's phone pops up with a notification. His eyes widen a little before he looks at me. "Switch on the news."

"What?" I breathe, my brain not being able to process his words and he reaches out to the cabinet to pick up the remote and switch on the flat screen. "Hale, what?"

"He's okay." He gives me a nervous glance that tells me otherwise.

Why the hell are we watching news if he's okay? Numerous scenarios run through my head until Hale sets the news channel and my heart literally drops. James's face is on the screen as he seems to be exiting the club we visited the other night with the first few buttons of his shirt undone and a woman by his side.

She seems to be covering her face with glasses and a muffler but I will recognise that redhead anywhere. James is wearing shades as well but his face looks tired. The knots in my stomach seems to have multiplied by millions and my breathing picks up when I hear the news reporter.

"James Clark, the new CEO of Clark Enterprise was seen exiting the elite club that he's rumoured to own with this mysterious woman." The woman on the screen starts, making me realise that this is the Page 3 news that she's reporting at the moment. "Did his wife turn her hair red? We can't imagine how that'll look, or is it someone else entirely? Stay tuned to find out all the deets."

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I can't seem to take my eyes off from the screen as I continue to stare at the woman by his side. The fact that James chose to run to her, instead of sitting down to talk to me makes the angry part of me fill with rage. I can literally feel Hale's gaze burning holes through me with worry.

"You know how they just want to gossip, right? They twist everything they show, that's how they get the money, by keeping the audience hooked."

A bitter laugh leaves me as I finally meet his eyes, "I know he's your best friend, but please don't defend him for this."

He looks away, looking a little embarrassed before meeting my eyes and nodding. "Did you call her to ask about his whereabouts?"

His question makes me feel so stupid as my walls start to break. I've kept myself calm for so long, and to see James's face on the screen repeatedly with her by his side is the last thing I imagined seeing.

"Hell, no! Why would I think about my husband running off to his ex when he's upset?"

Hale looks at me with sympathy in his eyes as my nails dig in my palm deeper to keep my breathing even. My heart seems to be breaking into two, just imagining the worst case scenario. I keep telling myself that he wouldn't cheat on me, that it's the last thing he'll do but then my mind clouds with images of the screen, making me doubt my sanity.

"Just please, call her." I beg Hale and he nods, dialling her number.

She must pick up after a few rings because I hear him speak and I motion him to put it on the speaker phone. "Hey." Hale starts.

"Hi." I hear her whisper. "What's up?"

Really, that's it? God, for the second time in twenty four hours I feel like smacking the shit out of someone. Hale's nervous glance meets mine as he moves to put it off speaker but I shake my head, gesturing for him to continue.

"Is he with you?"

She sighs on the other end, "Yeah, he's sleeping."

"Where are you?" Hale asks, already standing up and pulling out his car keys.

"My apartment."

That does it, I feel the bile in my throat rising and I immediately rush to the bathroom in the lobby and lift up the seat to puke my guts out as images of James being with Amy runs through my head. I hear Hale's concerned voice in the background but I draw him out, shaking my head as my body feels the weakness that my heart's causing.

"Lillian. He wouldn't, he wouldn't cheat on you." Hale tells me as he stands at the doorway as I get up and splash water on my face before pulling out the paper towels.

"I know you're going to get him, so just go." I plead, feeling the need to get the hell away from this place.

Hale gives me a helpless look before sighing and turning away to walk out. I follow him out to the living room to see that Mrs. George has already arrived and is preparing for breakfast.

"Hey, I'm not in the mood to eat. Mr. Clark will be home in a while so just prepare the food accordingly for him." I inform her and she's about to argue but earns a look from me which makes her stop.

When I exit the kitchen, I notice Reece entering and she immediately rushes to me. "Mrs. Clark—"

"I thought you guys were good at the job! Just one damn thing, Reece. Don't let Carrack know and keep the media off, that's all I asked."

My own voice makes me flinch internally but I'm way too pissed right now. I know that projecting my anger onto the staff is the worst way about this so I close my eyes and take a deep breath. Reece didn't flinch once at my tone, her face is expressionless as always.

"I shouldn't have talked to you like that, I'm sorry." I apologise, running a hand through my hair. "Whatever's done is done. This is his fault anyway, he knows how media grabs the chance to get some gossip. You're dismissed for the day. Enjoy."

She looks taken aback by my words, her lips parting as she starts, "But—"

I shake my head, "We aren't going to cut your pay, don't worry. If he says anything, you tell him I instructed you to do so."

She nods, still looking uncertain but gives me one last glance before leaving the premises. I unclench my fist and look down at my palm to find the shape imprinted where my nails were digging for so long.

I go inside the bedroom and my eyes flicker to the perfectly untouched bed. Peeling my eyes away, I force myself to take a warm shower and follow my usual morning routine to calm my nerves and break out of the weird numbness that seems to be clouding my head.

The pain is too damn much for my fragile heart to bear.

I dress into jeans and a tunic before grabbing my wallet, bag and the car keys to head out. I inform Mrs. George on the way out and she looks concerned but doesn't stop me. I just want to leave before he can come back home.

My appointment isn't for another hour but I'd rather wait in the car than see him. It's funny how I spent the entire night waiting for him to come back to me, but now that he was going to return, I wanted to be as far away from him as possible. I should've known that I was being too damn naive with him, there's no way in hell he can ever reciprocate my love.

The thought makes my heart clench with pain but my anger's too much on the surface to let my hurt submerge. I wait for half an hour in the parking lot with my eyes just silently observing the people going by while the news of James and Amy continue to consume me.

I pull out my phone, not being able to stop myself and search his name on google. The news pops up in the most elite pages, talking about the CEO of Clark Enterprise. When I see a photo of us from last night as a thumbnail for an article, I immediately open it.

"James Clark, CEO of Clark Enterprise seen outside his club with a mysterious woman. While we suspected that it could be his wife, here's a photo of the two from a party last night.

Well, she's clearly a brunette here, so unless she coloured her hair overnight, we're all curious to know who's the redhead? The man who was Savannah's richest bachelor for so long seemed to marry in a hurry — it probably wasn't a match made in heaven.

Poor thing, his wife. Lillian Clark's the daughter of one of the established telecommunication industry, Vince Pvt. Ltd. that almost went under waters last winter. Look how happy the couple looked just last night. We're all sending our love and condolences to the lady."

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

The article has two photos of us from last night, the first one is right after we entered the party and we're both smiling at the camera to keep the media happy. It is followed by the photo that I'm not even aware was clicked. James is standing beside me with his face leaned near my ear as he seems to be whispering something with a slight smirk while I have a huge smile on my face as I stare at him.

It makes the tears burn on the corner of my eyes as I stare at it. We look nearly perfect until my fingers scroll up to find the photo of him outside the club with Amy. It doesn't go unnoticed how the paparazzi just assumed that James cheated on me, a lot like I have been doing the same.

How could I be so foolish to grow in love with him?

Letting my anger get the best of me, I turn off my phone and decide to head inside and wait in the clinic. The receptionist gives me a small smile before asking me to head inside in another fifteen minutes. As soon as I enter Andrea's office that has now become a safe space to me, I feel myself sighing, my emotions churning at the back of my head.

"How are you, Lillian?" She asks me with a soft smile as I take a seat on the couch and sigh.

"I know lifestyle and celebrity news isn't everyone's cup of tea, but have you checked it this morning?" I ask and she shakes her head. "You should."

"I'd rather hear about it from you since it's clearly keeping you preoccupied. Let's begin, shall we?"

I shake my head, giving her a pleading look, "I really needed to meet you today, Dr. Wilson. That's why I'm here, but I just... I can't talk."

The concern on her expression grows as she keeps aside her notepad and slightly leans forward, "If you needed to see me, then it must be some concerning matter. I wouldn't know unless you speak to me about it. Go at your own pace, slowly."

She slides the glass of water in front of me that she always keeps arranged before any session. A glass of water and tissue box always on the coffee table in between us. I nod, sighing as I fumble with my fingers before telling her about small things, like how I got the internship before getting to the recent events. She patiently listens to me and I reach out to grab tissue when my voice starts breaking at the mention of Richard.

After that it's just a moment when my numbness seems to shatter and I think by the middle of the session, tears are completely soaking my face as I cry out in my palm, not even a single time feeling like why the hell am I crying? I know why I'm crying, because there's so much pain in my heart that words will never be enough to explain it.

"Lillian, I understand that having the realisation about your love for him and the recent events must be overwhelming you. However, I would really like to know do you trust James?"

Her question makes me think, like always. She puts my thoughts in perspective as I stare at her, biting back a sob as I nod but then shake my head, "I thought I did, but then the news and those articles with photos..."

She shakes her head at me as if that's not what she meant, "No, I'm not asking what the media is saying, I am asking you, do you think he could cheat on you?"

Her words make me internalise my thoughts as I think back to my memories with James, about how honest he has been with me about his feelings for past one month. My mind goes to how he has time and again turned down Amy in my absence and in front of me, making me question my negative thoughts.

The look in his eyes when he wakes me up with a smile on his face as I lean up to kiss him makes the tears sting as a sob wrecks through me. If I look back at my time spent with James, and the person I've come to know and love, then no, I don't think he would ever cheat on me.

I shake my head at Andrea and she nods, giving me a small smile, "I'm not saying you're right or wrong, but you're operating on the assumption here without knowing what actually happened. When the media's pushing you to believe something else, it's admiring to see your trust in him, it speaks volume about your relationship."

"It doesn't change the fact that he ended up going to her instead of confiding in me." I wipe my tears, knowing that it's just another ten minutes left in the session.

"The assumption is still there, Lillian. Again, it could be true but right now, it's just that. I have told you time and again, open and honest communication between the two of you is extremely important instead of running away each time a hurdle comes."

Her words sink in, making me realise that I've often done the same too. I promised myself to talk to him about how I feel about getting married so young because it still bothers me sometimes but I never initiated it because I was afraid of the consequences.

She spends the last five minutes adding some particular ingredients to my diet that would help me with anxiety, which honestly already has been much better ever since I started therapy. I remember when I had a panic attack just because Chloe touched me but last night, I handled my nerves a lot better through self-regulation.

We fix the time for next week and I leave her office, finding myself sitting in the car. I'm not ready to go back home. My phone is still switched off and I don't plan to turn it back on anytime soon. Taking a deep breath, I make my to the street I've only visited once.

When I'm outside the building, I park the car and go through the list to identify the apartment number. Once I'm up, I knock on the door and a shirtless Austin opens the door.

"Lil?" He rubs his eyes and I feel guilty realising that they must be sleeping in during the weekend.

"I'm so sorry, I thought you'll be up."

He shakes his head, "No, it's fine. C'mon in."

I nod, stepping inside to realise that their apartment is a little more cozy and smaller than Max and Ashley's. There's a kitchen on the left on entrance and next to it is the living room with an L shaped couch covering two walls and coffee table in the front and flat screen across the table.

Caleb's sitting there, having cereal in boxer shorts and a red t-shirt. He looks up and his eyes widen when he sees me.

"What's wrong?" He asks as he stands up and moves to hug me. I return the embrace as Austin disappears behind the door and comes back wearing a t-shirt.

"Does no one check the news anymore?" I ask, taking a seat and both of them frown. "It won't be broadcasting anymore, doesn't matter just look James up on google and read the latest article."

Austin grabs his phone from the table and Caleb immediately scoots by his side as they go through it before looking back up. "Is that fucker cheating on you?"

Caleb's the only one of my friends who can actually talk about James like that. I know he's concerned, it's showing in his pissed off tone but I shake my head, rubbing my temples as tears threaten to spill again.

"No, I don't know. God, I hope not." I breathe and Austin comes to sit by my side as he wraps an arm around my shoulder and rubs my arm.

"Haven't you talked to him?" He asks and I shake my head, not realising how much I really needed my friends.

"He didn't come home last night and I left before he could. I'm so mad, but it just really..." I trail off and Caleb reaches across to give my knee a squeeze. "I'm sorry I came here, I didn't know where else to go."

"Hey, don't be ridiculous. I was going to make pancakes for myself, we'll eat." Austin gives me a small smile, standing up to move to the kitchen and I'm about to protest, "Shush, not a word. You're eating."

His boyfriend grins at him before he disappears in the kitchen and I look at him. "How are things between you two?"

"Good, we're both working on ourselves and the relationship." Caleb shrugs. "Do you know who the woman is?"

I nod, taking a shaky breath, "Yeah, he had a fling with her."

"What the fuck? Has that dude lost it, because from when I saw you two last time, things seemed great."

I scoff, "Yeah, that's what I thought too. Is it okay if we don't talk about this please? I just came from therapy, had enough heart to heart."

Caleb nods, picking up the television remote before turning the volume on to the Friends episode that he's watching. Austin comes out and gives me warm pancakes with whipped cream. My appetite is non-existent so I only take a couple of bites before stopping.

Austin and Caleb provide me a great distraction by telling me that they're leaving for LA in a week for a fifteen day trip for the summers. Friends continues to run in the background and at some point, I doze off from the tiredness of my thoughts.

Vague voices jolt me awake and I open my eyes to find myself wrapped in a comforter on the couch in Caleb and Austin's living room. I can hear distinct voices which makes me frown as I rub my eyes.

"Just let me see her."

I immediately freeze in my place as I recognise James's voice. What the hell is he doing here? I didn't tell anyone where I was, let alone him and my phone is switched off in my purse. His voice makes my heartbeat pick up from anxiety as the knot in my throat tightens.

"If she wanted to see you, she would've been with you." Caleb snaps at him, and I wonder where the hell does he gets those guts from because I've never seen anyone stand up to him like that. "You should leave."

"She's my wife, Caleb. You might be her good friend but if you don't step aside, I might have to resort to other measures." His voice is on the edge and I hear Austin intervene.

"Babe, she has to talk to him at some point."

I gulp, knowing that he's right so I get up, putting aside the comforter as I run a hand through my hair. When they come in my view, James is standing by the door while Caleb seems to be blocking his path and Austin has a hand on his boyfriend's forearm.

"Am I the only one who saw the look on her face when she came here?" He snaps and I clear my throat, immediately catching their attention.

James's eyes meet mine and my knees almost give out under me from the look of relief on his face. I feel like my heart's in my mouth as I stare back at him. He's changed out of his clothes, he's wearing a full sleeves black v-neck with the sleeves rolled up and a dark jeans. His eyes look tired and my first instinct is to run in his arms because of how worried I've been for him but now, all I feel is the numb-aching pain in my chest.

"Lil." Caleb starts but then sighs, looking back at James, glaring at him. "You don't deserve her."

James almost looks offended by his words but is quick to cover it up. Caleb and Austin make their way inside and go in the bedroom while I continue to stand where I was, my arms crossed against my chest.

I don't know what to say to him, my heart is just twisting painfully that I feel the pain physically as I stare at him, trying my best to hold it together.

"Lil. There's so much I wanna say but..." He starts, taking a step further and I immediately take a step back, a horrified expression crossing his face. He composes himself before running a hand through his hair. What I didn't expect was for him to repeat the same request I extended towards him last night. "But... not here, just come home, baby, please."

•••

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i know i promised an update yesterday but my Uni started, and even though it's online classes, it's time-consuming. sorry for the late update!

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