I had assumed that a break down would follow upon seeing him, but as he stands in front of me, all my anger surfaces with the pain lingering just behind it, pushing the rage further. He looks tired, his hair are a mess and his shoulders are slouched and that's the most exhausted I've ever seen him in past half year.

"Lillian." He calls out again, thankfully not stepping any closer as I clench my fists and bite my tongue to soften the tightness I feel in my throat. "Let's go, we've got a lot to talk about."

"How did you know I was here?" I manage to ask, my tone cold and he frowns at me.

"The GPS in your car." He says like it's the most obvious explanation in the world.

"Oh, damn. Did I forget to disconnect that?" I glare at him, my voice dripping with sarcasm and he looks taken aback by my words. For the first time, James's expressions forms into helpless one and I scoff, shaking my head as I turn around.

"At least listen to me." He starts to step inside but I shoot him a look.

"Don't. I'm just going to grab my stuff so we can leave without creating a scene here."

I've never felt so angry in my entire life as I do right now at James, and I don't think I've ever had enough guts to stand up to him like that because before we never had a bond, so I felt like he didn't owe me explanations or his actions shouldn't concern me, but knowing what we are, realising that we share something and his recent behaviour really seem to have fucked this up.

When Caleb sees me picking up my bag, he arches an eyebrow, "You're leaving, seriously?"

I sigh, nodding, "Need to give him a chance to explain, right?"

He must realise what I'm saying because he was pretty much in James's shoes not very long ago. Both Austin and him give me a quick hug which I return before turning to walk to the door where James is waiting, leaning against the frame.

Austin turns to me, "You call us anytime, okay? The hour doesn't matter. I'll come pick you up if needed."

"Thanks, Aus." I kiss his cheek before turning to James who extends his hand forward for me to take but I just walk past him to elevator, hearing him groan loudly behind me.

I'm glad when he doesn't try to talk to me in the elevator but he doesn't take his eyes off me, probably boring a hole on the side of my head with that intense gaze. It only pushes me off further as my heart clenches with pain.

When we exit the building, he silently follows me to the car and I turn to him, "How did you get here?"

"Hale." I nod, pulling out the car keys and putting the palm upward for him to take. "You want me to drive?"

"Unless you want to end up in a hospital somewhere, then yes."

He takes the key and unlocks the car, his body moving to open the door for me when I do it myself, making him take a step back. I don't miss the way his jaw clenches in reaction but he doesn't say a word as he comes around to take the driver's seat.

Being in such a close proximity with him makes the hurt emerge, making me fist my hands because I really don't want to cry right now. He turns to me but I sink back in the seat, looking out of the window which should be enough hint for him that I'm not speaking to him until we're home.

The ten minutes ride back to the apartment complex is more agonising than I could've ever imagined. He kept sighing beside me while I kept shifting in the seat to calm my rage because I didn't want to explode and say things I didn't mean.

It was two in the afternoon already. I think I slept for an hour at Caleb and Austin's place and that's the most sleep I've gotten since yesterday. When he parks the car, I immediately step out and hear him curse as he follows behind me.

"Will you stop avoiding me?" He snaps behind me but I continue to ignore him as I press the elevator button and the door slides open. We both enter and he stands right in front of me as I avoid his gaze. "Lillian."

"Don't, James. Just fucking don't." I manage through gritted teeth and he takes a ragged breath before the door opens behind him at our floor and I slide past him.

I pull out the key to unlock, aware that Mrs. George must've left by now. Just as I reach the living room, I feel him catching upto me and his hand grabs my elbow, pulling me back to face him and my body almost stumbles into his, our torsos pressing against each other as I look upto his tired face.

"I didn't cheat." He breathes, his voice helpless as his emerald eyes meet mine behind those thick lashes.

His words feel like a drop of water in hot scorching sun, a relief washes over me because as much as I did trust him not to do it, a huge part of me questioned my faith in him. However, this still fixes nothing. I pull my body away from his and he looks like I just slapped him.

"You did run off to her." I snap, and his jaw twitches. What the hell is he pissed about? I wasn't the one spotted with my ex fling.

"There we go again, no matter how many times I tell you to ask before an assumption, it's never going to change, is it?"

His tone is cold, making me take a step back as I gape at him in absolute disbelief. Does he not realise the tormenting thoughts that ran through my head the entire night he didn't come back, only to see his photo with that bitch in the news?

"You've got to be a real asshole to actually say that after being all over the news with your ex." I glare at him, my breathing turning deeper because the last thing I expected was for this to be turned on me. "Do you have any idea how many times I called you, how worried I was where you were, and then to see you with her?"

My voice almost breaks and his face softens a little as he takes a step closer but like before, I take a step back, "For fuck's sake, Lil."

"I just wanted to be there for you, James! That's it. I begged you to come home and you drove off, and I understood. The entire night I told myself you need space, because I know how you take your time coming around things but you really fucked up."

He shakes his head, his expressions turning painful as he runs a hand through his hair, his eyes flickering away from mine as he tugs on the roots before looking at me again.

"I didn't, I didn't fuck up! I just— it's too damn much for me. She was my sister. I don't know how to even begin explaining what I'm feeling."

My heart breaks a little at the vulnerability in his voice. I know how he's hurting, I can see it on his face and a huge part of me just wants to wrap my arms around him and have him rant or cry it out, but my own heart is too fragile right now.

"Don't you think I know that?" I look at him, my voice laced with the evident hurt, as I repeat, "I just wanted to be there for you, that's it."

"How could you've been there for me, Lillian? I didn't understand half the shit myself, so I just wanted to get drunk and forget about it." He shouts, making my anger rise as I shoot him a look.

"Get drunk, really? That's your excuse for being at the club with her, for turning off your phones, for worrying everyone sick! I don't even know who I'm talking to right now." I shake my head before turning around to walk to the bedroom but he storms behind me.

"Yes, run away, because the problem's magically going to solve itself."

I can't help the laugh that leaves me at his words as I stare back, "Are you even hearing yourself right now?"

He clenches his fist as he glares at me but I enter the bedroom and pick up the remote to pull up the blinds. "I'm trying here. You've no idea how difficult last night has been for me."

"Oh, and you do?" I yell, facing him this time. For the first time I'm raising my voice at him but anger is literally coursing through my veins right now. "I'm not mad because you didn't come home, god, I understand that, I understand every damn thing except why the fuck did my husband wake up in his ex's bed today."

"She's not my fucking ex." He shouts back. "She was there when I went to the club, I didn't call her! I was drunk out of my mind when media flashed me with cameras outside the club. It's just— Chloe fucked up really bad, and that shit bastard Richard."

His gaze falters away from me and I look at him with nothing but hurt as tears finally sting my eyes at the mention of those two names. "I wanted to be there for you, James but I also wanted you to be there for me. Whatever happened last night, I'm not comparing your sister's betrayal with what she did to me, but it impacted me too."

His face falls a little as he stares at me with so much guilt in his expressions that I've never witnessed before. "Don't you think I know that? I couldn't be near you or even look you in the eye last night knowing that whatever happened to you was because of me. Why the fuck do you think I left?"

Those words immediately shut me up, all this while I thought he left because he wanted to be alone, but in reality he just felt too guilty being around me. Oh, James! My tears continue to sting but my hurt and overwhelms me to hold myself together in front of him.

"It's not your fault. It's no one's fault except those two." I tell him, but he just shakes his head at me. "Why were you with her? That's all I want to know." I ask, my voice too calm and he frowns at me, taking a cautious step but I give him a look not to close any more distance between us because I'm afraid I won't be able to hold myself if he were to touch me again.

"Like I said, she was at the club, I got so drunk and she kept asking me if the two of us had a fight but I couldn't say anything. I didn't talk to her about it because I didn't run off to her but then I was out of my senses and crashed at her place. Nothing happened, I didn't even touch her, I promise."

All of it sounds so convincing that my heart breaks further. I do, I do trust him to be honest with me because if he really had messed up enough to cheat on me, it'd be all over his face. But my mind and heart struggle in an inner battle. Does this explanation make everything okay? Because my chest is still hurting so much from the pain.

He sighs, continuing, "When I woke up and realised where I was, all I wanted to do was to get back to you. Hale showed up just minutes later and we came here but then I couldn't find you."

I shake my head because it makes sense, all of it does but I can't get the image of the two of them out of my head. "I can't do this, please. I want to leave."

"No, no." His eyes widen, transforming into that of huge shock and worry, "No, don't leave. I shouldn't have left last night, I should've been there. Oh, baby I'm sorry. I'm so damn sorry. Just don't leave, please."

My heart finally gives out as tears flow down my cheeks from looking at him. I've never seen him so vulnerable, his eyes a little glassy and I gulp, running a rushed hand through my hair as I look around for something to help me. I feel pissed but the layer is starting to fade away as the pain's starting to reflect more.

"I'll come back. Just give me a few days to live at my parent's, but I need to be away. This has been too much, and I need time to process everything."

I know I'm being selfish, I'm aware how he's breaking just as much as I am, and Amy just thought of helping him in the drunk state while media twisted the entire story but it doesn't change the fact that he could've come home. She could've bring him here, and if she doesn't know the address then could've taken him to the mansion. That manipulative bitch took him to his apartment.

"You wanted me to come home, and I'm here. Just talk to me, please. I want to know how you feel."

"No, you didn't come home. I'll reason out the Amy situation too, James, because that's all I do when it comes to you. I try to understand every damn thing, your temper, your possessiveness, your reactions to situations. I just need a break from this." I cry out, tears staining my cheeks as I look at him and he seems to be mirroring the pain. "And how do I feel? I feel like shit, that's what."

It's true, every damn word I said is true. I want to magically fix everything but that's not how relationships work. My heart is aching for him, for myself, and for us as I storm into the closet to pack myself a bag.

He follows me inside and gapes at me, "Are you serious? You aren't in a relationship where you can take a break because you feel like it, we're married."

"I'm not taking a break because I feel like it, I'm taking a break because I don't know whether to comfort you or myself, and I need to get my head straight. I have to be there for myself before I can be there for you." I wipe the tears from the back of my hand but they just keep coming, blurring my vision a little, making me groan from frustration as I pull out a pair of clothes and start stuffing them into the bag.

"Lillian, stop! Just please, stop." He pleads, his voice raising. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry that I didn't leave as soon as I realised she was there, but I wasn't thinking straight. You're more level-headed than I am, so why are you being like this?"

His words make me scoff as I turn to him, taking a step closer as I stare at him as I yell back. "Because I'm in love with you, that's why!"

"And you think I'm not?" He shouts back, looking at me incredulously, his words making me freeze in my spot. I stare at him with my lips parted. "What?"

"Don't just throw that away to fix this, please." I plead and he stares at me in disbelief.

"Is that how low you think of me? I know we're saying it for the first time, but I believed it was implied. Do you not see how crazy I am about you, or am I doing a terrible job in this relationship?"

I want to shout back that he's doing a terrible job, but I know how far from truth that is. He's been nothing short of a kind, absolutely amazing husband to me in these past months ever since our relationship has actually started. The only hurdle has been his actions last night.

He just told me that he's in love with me, that's another factor that should make me happy but it instead makes my hurt rise, because whatever happened shouldn't have for that exact reason.

A huge part of me wants to run in his arms but I know I need at least a few hours to wrap my head around all the information that I've gathered in the last hour and I can't seem to think straight in front of him.

"I just, I just need time, James. I understand everything, I really do. But please just give me some time to at least adjust to the fact that you spent the night with her, even if nothing happened. Don't you think I deserve that much?" I ask, my tears spilling and he curses under his breath, looking away.

He takes a deep breath and nods, "Okay, I understand. But I didn't want to screw up, Lil. Just like you, I needed some time and then she showed up."

I want to argue back that he could've left but I don't seem to have the energy. My head's hurting from everything that has happened since last night and I just want to sob into a pillow right now because the arms I need around me are the ones I need to stay away for a short period of time.

He gives me one last look before turning around and leaving me alone in the closet. I take in a shaky breath as a sob wrecks through me. Shaking my head and sucking up my tears, I pack the rest of the stuff I might need before picking up the bag.

When I step out in the bedroom, he's nowhere to be seen which makes me frown but then I step out in the living room and he's sitting on the edge of the couch, his face in his palms as his elbows are resting on his knees. He must realise my presence because he looks up and sees the bag in my hand.

"You don't have to leave, you know?" He starts, standing up, "I can go and you can stay here, or we've got plenty of space to live here without running into each other."

"We haven't broken any rules yet, let's not start now." I can't help the tightness around my throat as I say those words as my eyes fill up.

"Oh, baby." He looks at me, his eyes bearing so much pain that I almost decide to drop my bag. "When can I expect you back?"

"Just a few days, I promise." When he turns to follow me out of the door but I shake my head, "Please don't. I won't be able to leave otherwise."

He nods in understanding, then his eyes meet mine as he steps closer cautiously and I let him. He sighs as he closes the distance between us, my thoughts blurring from standing so close to him. His hand comes up to my cheek as he presses his lips on my forehead, making my heart clench with the pain of this situation as more tears follow his actions.

"I love you, Lillian. Just you. Remember that while you're away, please."

•••

what do y'all think? do you agree with Lillian where she says that she's being selfish?

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