"Max and I broke up." Her voice cracks a little as she tugs her hair behind her ear. "I didn't know who else to go to, you know? The rest are his friends first."

"Hey, hey!" I wrapped my warm jacket tighter around me. "You don't have to think like that. If we're speaking the truth, Austin loves you more than anyone else."

She offers me a weak smile, sniffing. "I know, I just— it was the right thing to do. We'd been fighting so much."

I nod, giving her hand a light squeeze. No one from our group of friends could say that we didn't see this coming. It was obvious, given how much apart they had grown since they started working at different places.

However, it did come as a surprise when she called me at six in the morning to meet up. We are sitting at the diner near our college, this was the place where I first met Caleb, Austin and Natalie. When my phone rang so early, James freaked out a little but then he got up to work-out while I got ready to meet her.

"Was it peaceful?" I ask, sipping on the hot chocolate, something I've started consuming a lot since my pregnancy. It's just the cravings. They get to me a lot, given that James finds it absolutely hilarious which always earns him a glare.

Ashley nods, wiping her tears as she bites on the pancake. "There was a lot of crying, because it's not like just because things were bad we didn't feel anything. We both still do, but love is never enough to keep things going."

"Of course, Ash. I completely understand, I just wish it wasn't this hard for you both."

She offers me a weak smile. "Heartbreaks are a real bitch, man."

"Do you want to drown your sorrows in alcohol?"

"Yes." She sighs but then gives me a look. "And you aren't the person for that. I'll call Austin at night. How's the bug?"

Her eyes are fixed on my belly and I smile a little. "Growing fast, I believe. I can't wait to meet this little one."

"I think this is only happy thing I have going in my life right now, and it's your kid." She smiles, a genuine one and I grin at her.

"Honestly, I'm afraid how much of a brat this one would become within couple of years. James already has everything planned." I rub my hand over my belly almost subconsciously.

She laughs a little. "Let me guess, bug's already going to Ivy league, huh?"

"Little one would do whatever he or she likes. I'll deal with the father." I roll my eyes and she smiles, nodding.

I'm now almost thirteen weeks along. James has such a fun time talking to my belly which has started to show a little. We told our friends just the next day after telling our parents. It came as a shock to everyone, but they've all been so wonderfully supportive, it's been overwhelming.

"I was thinking of heading home for a while," Ashley tells me, and I give her a curious look because she has never headed back home apart from the holidays. She has a messed-up family, so she tries to stay out of their business.

"Are you sure you need that right now in your life?"

"I think they are the only ones who can keep me safe at the moment, honestly."

I give her a small smile, nodding. We talk for another hour as she tells me how exactly Max and her tried to avoid the breakup for so long now but it was inevitable. She spilled good amount of tears and my heart ached for her, because I didn't know what could I do to help her feel better.

"Isn't it going to be awkward to go back up there?" I ask, parking the car near her apartment building and she looks out the window, shaking her head before meeting my eyes.

"He wouldn't be there. We talked about it, he's going to crash at his friend's place from office till we decide how to go about the living arrangement."

I reach out to wrap my arms around her when her voice cracks at the end. She sighs in the embrace before pulling a small smile that reflects how strong she wants to be during all this, but is failing miserably.

"Being vulnerable doesn't make you weak. It's one of our biggest strengths, remember that."

She nods, "Thanks for today, Lil."

"Hey, don't mention it. Just don't make a drunk call after you get buzzed with Aus." I grin at her and she laughs, nodding.

After she gets out of the car, I wave her goodbye before driving away. It takes me just fifteen minutes to reach home. James is sitting at the island, having cereal when I enter the kitchen and gives me a questioning look.

"What?"

"What happened? Is she alright?"

"No, they broke up. She isn't going to be alright for a while but she's hanging there."

His shoulders slump a little and I try to resist my smile. It's weird but adorable how he has gotten around to care for my friends just like I do, but if anyone were to ask him to his face, he'd deny it straight out. I move to him and wrap my arms his waist, resting my cheek on his shoulder.

"You're cute sometimes," I kiss his neck and feel him laugh.

"How many times do we have to establish that the word cute and I cannot exist together." He reminds me, an amused smile on his face which makes me grin as I start placing kisses up his shoulder to his neck.

"Whatever you say, Mr. Clark." I retort, sarcastically.

He turns his body towards me, wrapping his around me in a warm embrace, his forehead resting against mine. His eyes look beautiful, they always do but lately, we've been happier. It doesn't mean everything's perfect in our lives. We do get mad irrationally at times but both of us have been able to solve things quicker ever since we found out that we're having a kid. It's like the bond we shared is so much stronger, simmering with nothing but love and affection.

I close the distance between us as our lips mould together perfectly. I've kissed him countless times, yet I don't think I'm ever going to get used to how my heart practically jumps out of my chest when his tongue laces with mine. Our breaths mix together as we each try to pull each other closer, holding onto each sound that escapes.

Slowly, we pull apart to catch our breaths and our eyes meet, his reflecting the same love that always leaves me stunned. I've never been able to grasp how has he come to love me when it seemed like the last thing possible.

"I'm not comparing, love. But I would never let a day come where we have to even consider leaving each other."

His words warm my heart because I know he means each syllable. I just press another kiss on his lips and he sighs into it, brushing my hair back.

"The day would never come, I promise."

He smiles at me, his eyes tracing down to my belly and before he even moves them, I already know his palm is going to rest flat against my stomach. He places a kiss on my neck, on the top of my breasts before moving down to place his lips on my barely there bump.

"Hi, my little love. How are we this morning?"

His eyes meet mine and I can't hold back my grin like every day. "We're fine, Dada. Now, c'mon. Time for work."

"I was thinking, the crib should be here by tomorrow. We can start setting it up then."

"I still think we ordered it too early, but yes. The nursery is already filled with toys and onesies."

He chuckles a little, nodding before going to keep his dishes in the sink. "I think we need to tell our parents to stop buying stuff for a while now. All of us have bought enough things."

"Jeremy also bought some stuff, he said he'll be travelling home this weekend because he's off work."

He isn't wrong though. We do have a lot of toys and clothes. It's like anytime someone crosses the mall, including Carrack and my Dad, they go right for the kids section and pick up whatever they find adorable. We settled on painting the nursery a little on the lime yellow side, because it's one of the calming colours, and it has turned out amazing.

"Joan too?" He asks, and I shake my head.

"No, she has some assignment due so she's going to stay back."

After another half an hour, we both leave for work. I already knew I was going to be late this morning when Ashley called me, so I had left a mail to Elena informing her that I might be running a little late. James, on rare occasions like today doesn't care if he's running late which works well for me.

When I reach my desk, Elena immediately approaches me, "Why didn't you tell me?"

"What?"

"You're pregnant."

Her words make my eyes widen with surprise. We haven't told anyone apart from family and friends, and while I share a civil bond with Elena, it's still a professional one. James and I decided to hold off from telling anyone in the office because news can spread like a grapevine over here, and we don't want that. We don't want someone to feed off the media because we don't want attention.

This is one thing we both had absolutely nothing to argue about. In the last year, both Carrack and James have been in the news regarding a couple of huge deals they've been able to strike, but that's about it. There was some rumour in the beginning of this year that Carrack might be running for a political position, but that was a huge hoax.

He's interested in politics, and has connections but he knows it's dirty business he doesn't want to get involved in. So far, Clark Industries has been quieter because the last scandal was the false adultery news which spread. While this on the other hand is good news, we still didn't want it to be made into gossip.

"Lillian, are you okay?" Elena keeps her hand on my shoulder and I come back from my thoughts, looking around to make sure that no one heard her.

"Yeah, I am fine. Who told you?"

She must realise that something was off from my expressions because she immediately speaks up. "It slipped. I was talking to Alex and she wanted you to go over a report but I told her you'll be coming in late so she got worried that the morning sickness has been really bad for you. She realised the slip-up almost immediately, and made me promise to keep my lips sealed."

I sigh at her words, because I know Alex would never intentionally go behind my back to spread the news without confirming with me first. I meet Elena's eyes, "Well, yeah. I'm pregnant, but please don't tell anyone. We want to keep it low-key until it becomes obvious, you know?"

"Of course, my lips are zipped." She promises before a huge smile takes over her face. "Congratulations! This is huge, I never thought there would be a day Mr. Clark would be a father."

I laugh at the irony of her words, "You and me both. But this is good, thank you!"

She gives my shoulder a light squeeze before moving back to her office and I rub my temples, feeling a little nausea and strain in my back. I know I can trust Elena not to indulge in gossip, that's one of the things I really admire about her but my nerves are still going to take some time to settle.

When the lunch hour hits and my nausea increases, which is extremely upsetting for me because it has massively decreased ever since I hit my third month but this feels like what I used to experience till last month. I keep myself hydrated by drinking lots of water but after lunch, I excuse myself from my colleagues and make my way to James's office.

Eve is by her desk when I reach and offers me a sweet smile. "How are you today, Lillian?"

"Good, you?"

"Same old. He's in a video meeting."

"So, should I not just barge in?" I ask, looking at his door and Eve shrugs.

"Barge in, but as quietly as possible?"

I can't help but chuckle a little, nodding before I give her a smile and move to James's office. His eyes immediately look up when he senses the movement at the door but his attention remains focused on work as I try to make myself comfortable on the couch. I made sure to lock the door behind me but I really do need to lie down to keep my nausea at bay.

James offers me a confused look but I ignore him before lying down on the couch, a painful grunt leaving me at how much my back hurts.

After what seems like seconds, I feel a cold hand on my forehead and my eyes shoot up. A very worried looking James stares down at me with a scowl on his face. "Sorry for waking you up."

It takes me time to realise that I'm actually on the couch in his office. I must've dozed off but then I look at his eyes. "Why are your hands so cold?"

"Because you're burning up. You have fever, Lil."

His words take a while to process as I sit up, realising how tired my body feels. A groan leaves me when I feel his hand on my back and I crane my neck to the side to stretch a little.

"How are you feeling?"

"Not good." I shake my head, but then it spins a little.

"I think you need to head home. I'll collect my things and ask Eve to get yours, alright?"

I immediately nod. This could be just because I've woken up an hour earlier today and I slept late last night – no thanks to James and my lack of resistance. I need sleep, lots of it and to keep myself hydrated and I'm sure I'll feel better in no time.

When James's look of worry doesn't go away, I hold his hand. "I am fine, really, or I will be,"

He lets out an exasperated breath, rubbing his temples. "I'm sick of worrying like this, Lil. I've told you so many times to take care of yourself, but you think I'm always overreacting. Your body needs rest, yet you're somehow always exerting it. You're not alone in there now, if not for yourself, think about the baby."

His sudden outburst makes me retract my touch as I scowl at him, my thoughts going haywire because I'm taken aback at how harsh his tone is.

"Really?" I scoff, pulling away from him as I stand up from the couch and step into the flats because I stopped wearing heels in order to avoid any clumsy incident which might land me on my ass during the pregnancy. "You really believe I don't think about the baby?"

I see the immediate regret in his eyes, how it turns his expression from frustration to guilt when he realises his words. "That's—"

"No, that's exactly what you meant. Stay here, I'm going home."

"Lil—" He calls out when I turn around but I just glare at him, my body crumbling from his words.

I know he's worried, I get it but I've gone out of my way to ensure my health since the day I held that stick in my hand. I try to get as much sleep possible because my body goes restless without it. I ask James for help at home for things I've never asked for in the past but this is ridiculous for him to assume that I'm exerting myself. He's not wrong to think he overreacts, because he does.

"Just, stay here. I'll see you in the evening, I need to sleep this off and you obviously need time to think over your words."

His jaw twitches at the last part before he looks away and gives me a firm nod. I feel the knot forming in my throat as I hold back the tears, because apparently even the smallest of arguments make me cry these days. But I just give him one last look before leaving his office.

Reece is already waiting for me downstairs when I exit the building, and she quietly takes me home. I change into comfortable clothes, and find myself a Nutella jar before snuggling onto James's side of the bed which smells like him and crying a little over the stupid argument.

I took my temperature, and I do have fever as my back continues to be a pain on this day. I spend the rest of the afternoon lying in the bed and watching some crappy tv show which runs in the background as my thoughts seems to take over me.

Like a fool, I check my phone to see if there's a text or call from him but when there isn't any, my disappointment just grows. I know he's concerned, but I'm not being careless as a pregnant woman like he accused.

I have this huge fear of screwing things up badly, or being a terrible mother and he knows that. He's the only one who knows how bad my thoughts can get because when I inhale his scent at night, I let my walls down, I let him in my feelings and have a touch of my emotions. That's why when he mentions one of my biggest insecurity with an unacceptable tone, it seems to claw at my heart.

With my thoughts still at unease, I doze off to sleep. When I wake up, I immediately reach out for my phone and feel this pressure on my bladder, more like cramps I felt during periods so I take the device to the bathroom. There's a text from James and I sit, pulling down my pants just as I unlock my phone, curious to see what he has to say.

But as soon as I look down on my underwear, my heart comes up in my mouth as my phone drops from my hand. There's blood, there's lots of blood that seems to be soaking up my entire underwear and my vision immediately blurs at the sight of it.

"No." I shake my head, gulping as I remember Dr. Lea's words that it's normal to have some blood spotting but as I take in the sight of a clump, I rush over to throw up.

My entire body starts shaking as the worst possible thoughts run through my head, and I keep chanting the mantra of 'NO' in my head, a cold shiver of the reality running through me. My trembling hands reach out for my phone as I backup against the bathroom wall, my tears soaking my face.

I speed-dial James's number and he picks up on the second ring, "Lillian? Did you get my text? I'm just five minutes away, alright? I'll come home and we'll talk about this. I'm so sorry for being an ass, you're already an incredible Mum, baby."

That's when a very ugly croaked sob breaks through my body, his words rocking through me as I hold a hand over my mouth to keep in my scream but it doesn't help when a painful cramp hits me.

"Lillian, fuck, what's wrong?"

"I— James, I—"

I can't seem to get the words out. What do I say? My thoughts seem to clutter up, my emotions going numb but at the same time making it hard for me to breathe.

"Lillian, talk to me. Please, you're scaring me, love. I'm just few minutes away, stay on the phone, please."

I nod at his words. I can stay on the phone; I can do that but then I look down at the blood on my hands and shake my head. "Blood, there's blood."

"What?" I hear panic in his voice. "Okay, just hold on, I'm there."

After what feels like an eternity, I finally feel his presence by the bathroom door. My eyes meet his, and the way his face crumbles right in front of me, his expressions going from horrified to heartbreak in a mini-second, I feel my heart break even further. He immediately rushes to my side, his arms coming around me as my body starts to give up under his touch.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." I choke out a sob.

"Sh.. please, Lillian. I'm going to get you a fresh pair of clothes and we're going to go to the hospital, alright?" I shake my head, dreading the thought of a hospital which can only confirm my worst thoughts, but he takes in a shaky breath, "Please, please. I need to get you to a doctor, and you can hate me for the rest of our lives but just right now, we need to go."

I look into his eyes and they are filled with tears as he takes in my pants, biting on his inner cheek to hold his strength. I nod, still unsure but he cleans me up a little, as much as possible with the bleeding before changing my clothes. When my body doesn't comply, James picks me up in his arms before carrying me.

"I called Dr Lea, she's not on duty, but she'll be there, okay?"

I nod as another sob leaves me and I bury my face into my palms.

My mind seems to have disconnected from the external surroundings as the events of the past hour run through my head. I can't seem to stop my tears, even when we reach the hospital, my tears don't stop because the pain in my heart grows with each second that passes.

He takes me to emergency, and continues to hold me in his arms. "It's going to be alright, Lil. We're going to be just fine."

"Stop lying, please just, don't lie to me."

He doesn't respond, instead I feel his tears on my neck when he wraps his arms tighter around me. When Dr Lea finally approaches us, she gives us one look and her expressions fall. She takes us to a room and despite the numbness, my body seeks for James's comfort as I pull his hand closer to my chest, an assurance that my heart hasn't stopped since the past hour.

Dr Lea runs a few tests before the nurse offers me sanitary pads a while later when the spotting increases and I take in shaky breath, along with the medicines she offers me. When I sit across Dr Lea as she stands by the patient bed, tears continue to sting my eyes.

"Just say it," My voice is almost a whisper as she offers me a regretful look.

"You've had a miscarriage, Lillian."

It should be a crime how just one sentence can turn your world upside down, making my hold loosen on James's hand as a painful gasp leaves me. I thought I knew it the moment I saw the blood, but to hear a doctor confirm it, it makes my heart split into two. My eyes move to James and I don't know what I was expecting, but it wasn't the same look of heartbreak.

My loose hold on his hand tightens as I pull him closer, his words about how I need to take better care of myself runs through my head. He was right at the end, all his worrying was right.

"I don't understand, how?" He manages to ask the question I don't have the strength to compose.

"She just entered her third month, it's common for a miscarriage to take place, especially given her history of endometriosis cysts. There's nothing you could've done at your end to prevent this."

Her words make me scowl. "Will all of you please just stop lying to me? It's my fault. I know it, James told me to be more careful."

She scowls at my words and when my eyes land on James, he looks like someone's punched him in the stomach as he starts shaking his head at me. "God, Lil, no! This is not your fault, please don't ever think that."

"But you told me to be careful, James. I got offended, you were right." I cry out as he wraps his arms around me, my hand going to my belly as the realisation that the bump wouldn't grow hits me, my tears running faster as I sob.

I mentally beg for the pain to stop. The physical pain is barely noticeable to me because of how emotionally wounded I feel.

"No, I was worried about you, that's all. That has nothing to do with this, okay?" He looks at me but I continue to shake my head.

Of course, this is my fault. The baby was in my womb, who else could've been responsible for this? A suffocating amount of guilt takes over my heart as I gasp for air, trying to go back to my routine of deep breaths, something I haven't needed to practice in a while now.

"This isn't the end, love." James wipes my tears as his own well up in his eyes. "We can try again, alright?"

His words give me a moment of hope until Dr Lea clears her throat, "Lillian, as your doctor and a medical professional, I need you to listen to me, alright?" she starts, catching our attention and I try to let her in my thoughts, to hear her out. "Human body works in certain ways, but some things happen which are out of our control. This is one of those things. There's a reason for your miscarriage, but you are not that reason."

I nod at her words, trying to assure myself as she does the same, as the man I love does the same. But then I register her words again, "Did you mention there's a reason?"

She sighs, a painful expression taking over her face and my mind comes out to protect my heart but it's already breaking so much.

"There's a fibroid growth attached to your uterus lining, and that's what caused the miscarriage. It's a benign growth, but it needs to be removed surgically."

I'm still processing her words when James's face forms into confusion. "Is it a major surgery, and will that fix things for future to prevent this from happening again?"

"It's not a major surgery in itself, however, since the fibroid is attached to the uterus wall, I'm really sorry, Lillian, but we're going to have to perform a hysterectomy."

Her words seem to knock the air out of my lungs as I stare at her in utter shock. My trembling hands come to up my quivering lips as the little amount of tears which had stopped come right back. Fuck. No! There's no way in hell this is happening.

This is just a nightmare. I'm sure Richard would be hiding behind the curtain as well, and I'll wake up panting and James would assure me that everything's alright, that we're fine and I'm safe.

"I'm sorry, did you just say hysterectomy? She's twenty-two!" James sounds pissed but laced behind his anger is the worry, anxiety and panic which isn't visible to the naked eye.

As he starts to get up from the bed, I hold him closer, afraid that I will stop breathing if he steps away from me. He's the only thing that's barely holding me together at the moment as my heart seems to break into a million pieces as I process Dr. Lea's words.

How was it that this morning I was gushing over my pregnancy and now I've lost the baby with the scope of having another in the future?

"What if I don't get one?" I manage to ask.

"I've considered that, I've looked it over and over again before I came here because this is not the news I want to break to anyone, especially someone as young as you. It's unusual to have fibrous growth at your age, but it's there and if we don't perform hysterectomy, a part of the tissue attached to the wall will still be left, which can grow further and cause more harm."

"Even if it does cause harm, does it leave a chance of having a full pregnancy in the future?" I ask the only rational question, surprised that my mind has been able to comprehend it.

The disappointing look on her face is all the answer I need. "I know this isn't easy, but take your time and we can further talk details. This isn't the only way to have a baby, Lillian."

When she leaves us alone, James turns to me, and there's so much pain behind his eyes that it mirrors mine. He pulls me into his embrace, and I shake into his arms, my eyes feeling heavy from crying, yet aware that I'm nowhere near done.

"Say something, please." He whispers, pulling back a little as his emerald eyes meet mine.

"I thought we were going to have a boy, and I thought he would have your eyes." I manage to let out, trying so hard not to stumble on my own words as one sob after another leaves me. I never told him any of this because I didn't want to have a preference. But now, I didn't have the chance to even conceive. "How did this happen, James? I know I was unsure in the beginning but I was just scared, I loved the bug, so much, I wanted this so much. Is the punishment for how I considered abortion?"

He shakes his head, tears running down his face as he rests his forehead against mine, "It's not a punishment, I understand how it feels that way but it isn't. I know how much you loved him or her, love. We both did."

When I process his words, my heart crumbles further, as I feel it getting heavier with emotions by the second, "Oh, baby. I'm so sorry."

"For what? This wasn't your fault, this is no one's fault."

"I'm sorry that being in love with me has taken away your chance of being a Dad."

He shushes me up, wrapping his arms tighter around me as we hold onto each other, our worlds coming to crumble down on us as we experience our first heartbreak together, trying not to loosen our hold because our love for each other is all we have to hold onto at the end.

•••

hope y'all are healthy. sending love! thank you for reading.