His heart is pounding in a senseless rhythm. He's been buying his own time...delaying this matter for two and a half weeks now. Jungkook allowed himself to stand back and watch as Lisa folded and hung her clothes neatly into his closet. He helped her unpack the books she brought on his shelves and already lets her accommodate a space for a dresser. 

They've been shopping for groceries together every 3 days and made love almost every night now, but he has yet to give her the big, clear picture of what the future might be. Hearing her calling the pups their 'kids' and staring down at her admiring gaze just now made him realize something important. 

She said she's the lucky one...I wish she is...

Jungkook knew the longer he lets it float, the harder it might be for her to accept it. All this while, he thought asking for a hand in marriage will be the hardest spill...but this is ten time harder and it's simply because he can't afford to lose her.

"What is it?" She hugs him from behind since he couldn't face her while constructing his words carefully. Her hands roam, trying to sooth the tension across his shoulders.

"I um...I know I need to be honest with you but um..." She'll probably run again. No, definitely. She ran over my shitty 'destiny' talk - she'll definitely run over this!

"You're shaking," She stopped and swiftly got off the bed. "Did you cheat?" What? "Are you kissing another woman? Is that it?"

"No! That's not - no!!" It's disturbing how she thinks I can even do that - "Have I not been clear on who I've been crazy about??"

Her frown softened and she came forward to sit on the floor, kneeling close and looking up to him. "Then why are you so nervous?"

"It's..." Jeez...how can I talk about something so major if she's like this?? "Can you sit next to me instead? You...in that position..." ...is fucking dangerous, that's what!

She chuckled lightly before getting up, sitting beside him on the foot of the bed. He knew she'd tease him about it if she chooses to stick by him later on but can he even deny how weak he is for her at this point? Of course not.

"Since Jimin and Chaeyoung's coming for dinner...if you need to...if you need some space, I mean...please go with them, okay? I need to know where to find you,"

"You're scaring me a little here...what's it about?"

I'm scaring her? I'm the one who's scared here! Come on, Kook...it needs to be done, whether you like it or not -

"I've been delaying this cus I was scared...but I need to be honest,"

She pursed her lips before sighing, "If it's not about any other girl, there's nothing for you to worry about -"

"Just promise me...that you'll go with your friend,"

She nods. Jungkook takes a deep breath and held it in for a few seconds. When he exhaled, he decided to resign his fate solely onto her. 

"My eomma..." Her eyes widened slightly and she starts fidgeting...probably because it's the first time they're actually talking about the topic after that one hurtful evening. "As I mentioned before, my eomma has alzheimer," He looks down to his own fingers, picking one after the other.

"It's alright if you're not ready to talk about it with me," Her voice is soft and he knew it's her way of apologizing again. But it's not about that...does she think I'm still holding onto it? "I was out of line...I'm really sorry. I trust you...I know that now. What you do or don't, I know you have it figured out for yourself and I trust you,"

"We're moving on from that. It doesn't even - it's not why I'm talking about it so don't worry, okay? We've passed that," He smiles because she's so soft when she thinks he's still angry about it like this. 

"The day you left..." He continues. "It's very rare but my eomma 'woke up'. Like...she remembers where she left off, that's why I went back home that day. It was only a few hours but she told me...that if I found a girl that I love, I should tell her about my eomma. And it made me realize..."

He fixed one leg onto the bed to face her fully. "I know I've been saying that it wasn't my story to tell, but it is. Because...because my eomma doesn't remember - every single day, she has no memory to get her by. But on the very same days, she has my appa...my brother and me to remember her. I miss her all the time but I can't call or see her whenever I want or need to. And I'd feel lonely...some days when I need her the most, I'd feel the loneliest that I had ever been. So I work...I worked the hardest to ignore that feeling but whenever you're with me, I don't feel so lonely anymore,"

She's smiling...it's still going good, I think! 

"I'm sorry that I haven't spoken about her like this to you. I thought I needed to wait...I thought I'd wait until you'd at least tell me that you love me, and then maybe it won't be so bad...if you decide to leave. At least I've been loved by you,"

"Kook...why would you think that? Why would I leave?"

"Well, for one, I wasn't sure how you'd feel about it...like...you know, Sana did -"

"She better not touch you again or I swear, I won't mind if my manicure gets ruined - I don't care how pretty it is!" Her fierce kitten-face made him giggle like a shy little boy.

Jungkook's already decided that if he has to pick his most favourite version of her, it will be this. Same as the night when she came back, appearing out of the blue...the girl who stood on her own and fought for him. The one who had seen his fragility and told him she loves him. Yes, it will always be my number one!

"I know you have your family so far from here. I thought of how burdensome it'll be for you to think about my eomma too, and I didn't want you to feel sorry for me. I want you to like me...love me as how you want to, not because you feel like you need to -"

"And I do!" She held both of his hands in hers and it's too heartwarming that it makes him want to cry.

"I know...I know that now," He hides his teary eyes and lets his fingers play in between hers gently. "And because of that, I need to be fair to you," With eyes shut tightly, he felt the drops on both of his cheeks. The feelings I have for her is just too damn heavy for a single man to carry alone! "There's a chance that I might get it as well,"

"Why are you crying? What - get what?" 

Panicked, Lisa enclosed him in her arms, letting him to rest his forehead on her shoulder as she continuously rubs his neck and back to calm him down. 

"I need you to remember me - if I lost myself one day, I need you to remember me. Because you said you love me...so even if you decide to leave...tomorrow...one day...I hope you still remember the person you loved. I just need you to do that, okay? I can't ask for anything more,"

It probably took her a few seconds to understand the depth of his pleading and when she does, Lisa leans back to release him. 

...

There's that word that he often said...'please remember me'. Is that why he keeps asking - because all this while, he thought I won't? For the first time since she got him back into her life, she felt hopeless...useless.

Sitting in front of the oblivious Jimin and Chaeyoung, she watches Jungkook with his usual smiles and laughs as he entertains the pair with his inexplicable charms. He had spent quite an effort for this dinner - prepping and cooking since 4pm while Lisa did the cleaning and tiding of the house, as well as entertaining the pups. It's the first time they're having a 'double-date dinner' in the house so it makes sense why he was excited about it.

She was excited too and perhaps that's why she didn't expect for him to come out with anything resembling the news in that short hour of resting. It's still a little hard for her to believe it. Jungkook had basically poured his fears out in the open for her and it's an unfortunate possibility that is too far apart than the all-optimistic guy she had been seeing. 

"Chim, I got a new mixtape I'm playing at the club later. You wanna come with? Maybe give me your take on it?" Jungkook asked and she knew it was his way to give her 'the space'. To make it even more obvious, his hand had clasped on hers under the counter. He probably noticed her frequent silence throughout the evening.

"You're heading to work after this right?" Jimin said. "Should I go with you then?"

Why is he being dramatic about this? Does he not trust that I can make my own decision without having anyone to guide me? Realizing that her own vision is becoming blurry by the second, she looks down to their intertwined fingers - thinking of how sad the reality could be for him. No, I can't cry...not now, in front of them!

"Yeah, I mean...if you don't mind, Chaeyoung-ssi,"

"Oh, I don't mind. You'll come back and pick me up after?" 

"If you're tired, we can drop you off at home. Lisa can accompany you too tonight, I don't mind,"

Jungkook's voice and the three's following conversation started sounding more like echoes, floating around her...discussing her.

I was here once...where it seems like nothing will ever be okay again. When nothing could feel worse than this heaviness of losing, dragging her heart on the open floor. But mornings aren't always as cold as how she thought it will be and after then, she recalled about the days like yesterday - like how wrong she had been to think that she will never recover, but she did.

Space and time...have I not lost a lot of them? Do I need to lose more? 

...

"You sure you don't wanna go over to mine later? You've been a little quiet, is there something wrong?" Chaeyoung asked when Lisa joined her on the sofa. 

The men had just left and it'll be a few hours before Jimin comes back for his wife. Jungkook gave her a lingering kiss when she sent the two at the door just now - probably a way to somehow console her. Or maybe convince me - I don't know what he's thinking, really! Why would I sleep somewhere else when he moved me in here?

It's not like she needed much persuasion. One of the key reasons of why she's back in Seoul was and still is, because of Jungkook. She wanted to be with him. She probably haven't deep-dived into how long that may be...or whether this will lead into growing old together. 

The prospects of them getting married hadn't slip through her train of thoughts when she decided to move here. She was only thinking about how much she wanted to love him back. She thought she'd leave everything else to time. 

But now it feels like she needs to decide. On staying or leaving. Maybe it was too soon to be moving in here and live together...maybe he regretted asking me to stay in his house and that's why he started thinking about the far distant. He probably thought that it's an inevitable event...while the result of us is definite, whether we work out or not.

"Chae, have Jimin ever asked you to move in with him before you got married?" She asked.

The friend shrugged and answers, "Couple of times...I didn't want to cus he lived with his brother at the time. That was before he bought the house for us to live in after the marriage,"

Lisa nodded slowly, trying to find some sort of common ground but failing.

"Why? Is there a problem with you and Jungkook living together?"

"No. I mean...I don't think there is,"

"Then what is it?" The girl brought her two feet up and faced her. "There's something, I know there is. You didn't seem like yourself since we got here -"

"It felt like a proposal," Lisa muttered without much thought. And it sounded plain and clear. Maybe that's why I've been out of touch...it was a pretty shocking revelation for him to talk about the future that way!

"Wait...he...proposed??" Chaeyoung's eyes and smile widened.

"Not literally...like he didn't say 'marry me' or anything like that," She sighed a smile because the thought of Jungkook asking for her hand in marriage gets her feeling a little shy and happy. Okay, maybe not a little - damn, the butterflies -

"I don't understand...tell me exactly what he said!!" 

The demand made her laugh. "I don't know - we were talking and...he was talking...and he said about something - something serious about the future and I...it's like I need to decide, whether I accept him or not,"

"Okay, still somewhat cryptic -"

"I can't tell you what it is, Chae...it won't be fair...for now. But when he said it...I kinda froze,"

"Why?"

"It was..." Sad. "...heavy..." Definitely sad. "...and I couldn't find the right words," To make it not sad. "It kinda caught me off-guard,"

Chaeyoung squints her eyes and Lisa knew it was hard for the girl to provide much help without a proper context. She wished she could come out truthfully about it but she didn't want to put Jungkook in a position where her friends would feel sorry for him, as she knew they would.

"Let's just put it this way...whatever the subject is, are you willing to deal with it? Or does it scare you too much, to a point you don't wanna deal with it?" Chaeyoung asked.

Of course I know the answer to this!

"I know you're still in your honeymoon-period and everything is all summery and rainbows...I might not know what exactly the problem is but what I can relate with is that I also love my man. He can be annoying and childish sometimes and I wanna strangle him when he makes me angry, but it still doesn't change the fact that I love him to death," Chaeyoung grinned proudly and it made her chuckle.

"These decision-making conversations happens from time to time, even more when you're super committed. You just have to be brave in asking those questions to yourself...and answering it. If it's worth it...or if it's troubling you. If you don't feel like it - you need to be honest about these things. I'm sure whatever the topic is, he's only telling you cus your opinion mattered enough. If you can't decide now, just keep talking about it until you can,"

...

Lisa couldn't sleep. It's 4am and she had changed her spots 4 times. 

She laid on the sofa while being accompanied by Bahm and Love after Chaeyoung had gone back with Jimin. Half an hour later, she showered and switched into her pyjamas before laying herself on the bed. She went back down and sat at the kitchen counter - drinking a cup of tea as she pondered longer than she probably should have. And now she's sitting on the chair in the backyard - the same one that she sat on for their first 'walk in the park'.

She's been thinking about the many changes that she has made - not just the surrounding but on herself too. Lisa had allowed herself to speak her mind...to be brave about what she wants, and she's more open to the idea that she could manifest the contentment she always dreamed of. But it dawned on her that everything didn't need to be in black and white.

That contentment could be in series of re-occurring events. Like looking into his eyes when I told him I love him...and the many times I let him kiss me...or touch me. When we brought the kids back home...or when he made me breakfasts at eleven in the morning. She always felt complete whenever he's around. Yet now...

"Why are you out here, love?"

Lisa turned her head to find Jungkook standing by the sliding door. With his hair slightly ruffled, he looks tired...and worried. She gave a small smile because as much as she loves it when he calls her that, it still pains her to think that anything bad could happen to this kind man. What will happen to me if he's not around?

"It's cold...and late," He makes his way towards her. "I thought you'd be at Chaeyoung's tonight," He kissed her forehead and sat on the chair next to her.

"Would you feel better if I do?"

He blinked, looking slightly similar to Love whenever Bahm fetched the squishy balls she threw first. "No...I just thought you need some time to digest it. I can't be greedy, not about this," He reached for her hand and she felt the warmth soothing, all the way into in her chest. 

Now she knew that all of her deep thoughts were hardly the reasons of her failing to sleep. It's because she can't go to another land when he's not around. Because she wanted to see him...and she needed him to know that within this space, he can tell her anything and she will not abandon him. If it happens...I guess I want to be strong and wait for him too.

"You can be greedy when it's about me, Jungkook-ssi. I don't mind," From his weary eyes, she stares down to the hand that is tightly clasped around hers. 

These hands must've been so tired...how much work have been put in for his veins to appear so beautifully sculpted? The hands that's always tucking my hair aside for a better view of my face that he likes so much. They have brushed on almost every inch of my skin...and on my lips. They held me tightly when I cried and kept holding onto me when I was scared.

These hands took such good care of me when I was sick, and they were the same ones that were forced to let me go. She wonders if everything he touches turns to gold because that's how she feels like, every time he holds her. And she doesn't want to be anything else. 

The thought of him saved me before. I truly am the biggest fool on the planet for not knowing how hard it could've been, being in his shoes! How can I leave this precious man alone after everything? He's my safe place - my only place...

All she wants is to ramble about her love for him. She was never asked about her thoughts in the previous relationship before, now all she wants is to let him know that despite everything, she adores him the same. Because keeping these things inside hurts her heart and she doesn't want to go back there...to how she used to be.

"I want to learn you...like how you learned me. I wanna be patient and strong for you...with you. I want to take care of you," She said, still fixed on his hand. "You've discovered me when I was lost...and no matter the time and distance, you've waited for me, so many times. And you told me...that I might be better than I think I am. I want to believe that too. So Jeon Jungkook..." She smiles up to his teary gaze. "...my lovely Jungkook...please trust me and let me stay,"

"I do...I just..." He blinked once and a tear fell. "...I didn't want you to feel like you're forced into it later on...if it happens -"

"You can't," She said, squeezing his hand slightly. "You can't have it. You have to remind me if I've watered the plants or not..." His frown appeared as he tilts his head, not quite understanding. "...when I'm sixty-five...you still have to make breakfasts for me,"

A flicker of recognition flashes through his eyes and the frown is gone. More tears fell on his handsome face, but he's finally smiling. "And if I can't?"

I wish I could carve poems in my mouth, like how beautiful his words always made me feel. To make his worries disappear...or grief somehow turns into more love. 

"If...if you can't, I'll..." Her lips trembles at the thought that he might get sick and there's probably nothing she can do to help him. The bigger the picture, the harder it is for her to suppress her own sobs. "If - if I have to, fine - I'll start writing down recipes and reminders from now on - I don't care!!"

He laughs and tugs her hand forward - pulling her up and straddle her on his laps. Her face then buried onto his chest and she cries silently. It should be weird that they've been sharing laughters every single day and now they're crying like this. Did he really think it was that easy for me to give him up? We've gone through so much for me to be here -

"Yaa..." She punched him weakly on the side of his rib. "I hope you know that I went through hell back at home to be the best I possibly could for you now, so you better do your best as well!"

"I will, baby...I will - ouch!" He winced when she punched him again, a little harder this time. 

"I'm gonna do my research on how to not lose your memory and you better work on it!"

He held her shoulders back at arms length. Smiling warmly, he says, "Thank you...for wanting to stay,"

"I told you I love you, didn't I? You should've told me earlier - I could've start researching on it two weeks ago and I bet alcohol consumption's got something to do with it -"

He pulls her back in and kisses her lips - shutting both her words and thoughts down. She felt his palms grazing across her cheeks, wiping her tears away, and she does the same to him. It's always blissful when he's kissing her gently like this...as if she's this precious doll that requires extra care.

I'll be only his...and everything will be okay, as long as I know that I am his.

...