Jungkook haven't felt great for 3 weeks now. It seems that the drumming in his chest can only be tuned down by the greet of his new, unflattering habit of alcohol consumption. Not many things make sense to him, the same way as it does make perfect sense altogether. By the end of his nights, he'll always wonder why that is.

Why did I see you at that airport the first time? Why have I kept seeing you months after? If it's never meant to be, then why didn't I hear myself asking any sorts of questions to why you and I are so different from each other? What positivity could possibly come out of this tragedy?

'Just tell me you're okay. Please...just any word at all'

Basking in the memory of her - sitting in that chair as they shared their first kiss - he can't help but let another tear fall from the corner of his eyes as he sends another set of text messages that he knew will be left unread. At least there's a little bit of solace to find out here in the back. He's been missing her so much that all he wants is to cry like a child.

 Everywhere in his house reminded him of where she'd been. There are still her bottles of shower gel and shampoo in his bathroom, along with her toothbrush - reminding him of the many mornings they had showered together. It's painful to recall kissing her plump lips under the shower streams every time he gets under it since she left.

In his kitchen where he attempted to teach her how to make coffee...they had tons of breakfasts, lunches and dinners in there. A lot of making outs with her on the countertop too. Her free and blissful laughter still echoes in the living room, from when she had tried and lost all hope at beating him on his PS5. I can't even sleep in the room anymore, there's just too much of her in there - fuck!

Jungkook's been sleeping on the couch in his office, terrified of what the nights might say if he was to spend it at home but tonight...for some reason, tonight he wants to be nowhere else but here. The coming long hours will surely strike him harder than his own self-beating. The many 'if only' could probably lead him to burn this entire house down if not the world!

If only I hadn't detach her actions with what love was, then I could've understood her heart sooner. Why she asked about eomma...why she wanted to know more. It bruised me but if only I had made some time to understand rather than dwelling, I wouldn't have drowned myself in sorrowful drunkenness, perpetrated by my own selfish ego. Then she won't have to see me with anyone else but herself. 

Deep down he knew that these regrets provide zero help. Some nights he'd even end up being angry at this set up from what he believed was 'destiny'. Perhaps one day he will fully understand why things had to happen the way they did. He will recognize how the loss of his mother's memory had always been a piercing reminder to not take every waking moment for granted. 

"I should be used to this view by now. I don't know why I'm still surprised," Jimin frowned between him and the bottle of Jim Beam bourbon.

"Jimin-ssi..." He smiles back squeamishly and wipes the wet on his face. "How did you get in?"

The elder came forth and sat in the chair next to him. "You forgot to lock your door again. And for the record, I knocked,"

Jungkook lets out a silent 'ahh', nodding as if he's accepting yet another habit. 

"They said you left the club and went back home. I got way too excited...only to see that nothing's changed. How long will you keep this up?"

"You should ask her...this is all her doing," He almost laughed.

"Kook..." He heard the sigh as a small butterfly caught his eyes - hovering closely around one of his plants. He could practically hear Lisa's tiny voice of 'oh, that's pretty!'. "I know you're heartbroken -"

"She's more heartbroken. She wouldn't have ran so far from me if she wasn't,"

There's another sigh. "You wouldn't be this depressing to be around with if you're not - regardless, this is not how you should be dealing with things,"

Jungkook took his own deep breath and leaned forward. Resting both arms on his knees, he looks up to the friend beside him. 

"My eomma doesn't remember me, hyung...but I've accepted that. I keep everything about her in a book or in my chest. I thought I only have so much space to accommodate...but now it's packed with Lisa too. I'm not removing even the slightest in any parts of both so if you can help me...tell me, how I should be dealing with things?" 

At this point, he's not even awkward anymore to cry in front of Jimin. The guy had been visiting him more than often since Lisa left him, and he'd seen the many frustrations on Jungkook's face and overall being.

"It isn't the end, Kook. Good things will come - better things -"

"I don't want better things, I want her,"

"And it could be her too but do you think she'll accept you if you keep being like this? Wake the fuck up, Kook - you have your whole life to prep for and she has hers!! Let her fix whatever it is she needs to fix and you - you need to snap out of it and find yourself again! What happened to the old you?"

"Hyung," In all honesty, he's beat-up tired! "The old me didn't care much about reality. You were right when you said I put her on a pedestal...in my mind, I wanna believe that I only deserve the most perfect of things. And she was perfect to me so I..." He sighed down to the ground. "Let me just be like this for a bit more time. At least...until I could think of another way to make it less obvious,"

"Do you think she'd want you to feel this way?"

"I don't know anything, hyung. I don't even know if she's dead or alive -"

"She's breathing in a different air, that's all - fuck, do you have to be so dark about it?? You broke up, it's not life or death -"

"We didn't break up! Maybe it'll feel slightly better if we did cus you know what's worse than a break up - being left without a word!" He stood up and began pacing. His emotional high has finally made a show and he could feel the warmth of everything he had forced into his throat rising up to his head. 

"Being left without even a little goodbye...without any time or space at all to talk about what had gone wrong and if there's anything I could possibly do to make it better again! It was cruel and - and inhuman and it changes people so I'm sorry! I'm sorry I can't be all sunshine with you right now and if you think that it's so fucking hard to deal with me, just go back and don't show up!!"

In between heavy and heaving sobs, his teary eyes glares at his friend. Jimin is now staring at him with shock...and a little guilt. Maybe now he'll leave me the hell alone! His friend sighed, grabbing the alcohol bottle and sipping on it.

"Chae told me that she was left on her wedding day," Jimin said. "In front of her family and friends - guests who she might or might've not known. When I heard it, I thought if there's anyone I personally know who could've survived that without getting a little paranoid or crazy...and for the life of me, I can't think of any names. I guess she had tried her best. That's why I'm here, Kook. I'm asking you...to just be a little kind to yourself,"

Jungkook froze as his chest began to feel like it's been crushed by a bunch of heavy weight plates. His loss feels ridiculous now when Jimin puts it that way! 

"Life is messy, Kook. People are even messier. All this while, I'd like to think that you knew better, but you clearly don't. The old you can act like everything's fine in your life and that your family is fine with everything...I'm not asking for all of him back but a little help from that guy could do. I tried to remind you that there are people who deals with things differently. I've known you for years and I'm still scared to ask if your family's doing okay, simply cus I'll feel worse than you if I did,"

"Hyung..."

"Understand this, I'm not saying that there's a particular wrong in both of you being together. You thought that by doing everything perfectly, life will magically appear how you wanted it to be. She's probably a little more sensitive and got upset cus she thought you've been keeping things from her - things that could've mattered, more than just the surface. Didn't she tell you everything you wanted to know before? Didn't she at least gave you that?"

She did...from the very beginning - here, where she sat...she even cried about it. 

"Not gonna lie, Kook...I hate seeing you like this. But if it's time that you need...," The elder sighed down to the grass, seemingly tired of being his advisor all the time. "If sitting on your own - dwelling on the past and crying of your regrets will get you through, then okay. Do that. But until you can come around, I'll still be here to ask you the same, old question - how long are you gonna keep this up?"

...

Her eyes felt too swollen and her leg muscles twist with overuse. Her heart felt like a rocket hurtling towards disaster when she left the house and drove back to her old, abandoned sanctuary. There seemed to be nowhere else that could accept her broken heart so it's all she could run to.

Lying on the cold concrete floor, Lisa had basically poured all kinds of sadness into her never-ending tears. When it felt like her energy has drained out, she pulls herself up and drags her tired feet towards the back door. There are very little blinking through the plains and acres of skies pulsating only darkness when she sits by it. 

It was a grave mistake to come back here like this, she thought. She carried a half heart like some nights carry a half moon - only wanting to show the best side without burdening the world with its too-bright of a light. Now when it's all said and done, she ended up wondering and fearing of how much she broke her mother's heart by saying those things.

'I just want you to be happy.'

The more she sat by herself in the dark, the more she could understand how it all reflects back to her. It was wrong to put the blame completely on her mother and the others. Not once in all her calls had she spoken - given any clues at all that her new life in Seoul had brought a little peace in her otherwise stormy mind. She hadn't been the most forthcoming of a daughter since she came back either...perhaps she wouldn't have kept these past close to me if I did.

How many nights have I promised myself for better memories? To forget the ocean-filled remorse and the 3 seconds of unsaid goodbye? My hands had washed off those suppressed vows - and now he thinks he can just come back? The day for small talks and apologies had passed by many summers and all I want is anything but him. Who I want to be standing right beside me...was never him.

It felt like only yesterday that she wanted to tell her mother about Jungkook. Would tonight ended up differently if I had? Maybe... But the bittersweet sensation knew the bigger picture behind this mess. A picture she can't change. A picture Lisa knew she'd never be in, sadly. Her mother will always be that silent pleaser - it's already embroidered in her blood. 

As much as she wants to please the elder, she knew that it isn't a life she wants...not after seeing the possibilities of what she could've become, that is. How do I detach this? How do I let go? Can I hold on to something else instead? Something better? Would it disappoint them more then?

She felt like she already said too much, but it seems to never be enough. Briefly she thought if this is to test her loyalty towards herself. She thought the color and length of her hair had changed but no one seemed to catch up on the new her at all. More has to change. I'm tired of biting my tongue and second-guessing my scars. I'm tired of running.

Lisa stares up to the missing moon and her thoughts land on the heavily burdened love she's carrying. We never said our goodbyes...would it last 3 seconds or 3 more years? She began crying again, but her tears are speaking in different verses. The loudest she could hear is 'I don't want to wait for another 3 years'.

...

Lisa stayed up the entire night till morning before she drove back home. She had spent the hours thinking - recollecting the traces of where she was to where she is - and she has never been so sure about the decisions she has made. No more running from fears or regrets. No more hiding away in the dark, now that she had basically shown her worst.

There's a fire in her that's blazing as she walks back into her house - one she thought she had lost. She knew she couldn't change what had happened - not with her parents especially - so she chose to change her mindset instead. Rather than thinking why this is her life, she decided to trust that every changes, every rejection, every disappointment or redirection was solely meant for her. It was like he said...things happened just to lead me to a better direction.

I feel too much and that's okay. I'm bad at asking for help and that's okay too. I won't be apologetic over what I've become or where I want to be, and the best I can do is to hope that they'll be okay with it. But even if they don't, I'll be okay with that too.

The lights are on and she found her mother asleep on the sofa. Her heart sank when she crouches down to the same level, admiring the softness in her mother's face. Even after everything I've said, she waited...

"Mommy," She gave a little shake and the elder woke up.

"Oh...oh dear - you're back!" Her mother looks up with daze and relief. "I was so worried!"

Lisa lets herself being pulled into a tight embrace. It was a crystal clear moment of clarity when she realized that it was never that bad. That all the anger of lost memories pent up in her chest could've been solved much earlier because she's been truly loved by those who mattered, no matter her forms.

"I'm sorry, mommy...for what I said, for making you cry and worry. I'm sorry if I -"

"Shh..." She felt the soft brushes on her hair. "I know you are. You should know that I'm sorry too. I'm sorry too, okay?"

Lisa thought she's done crying it out but right this second, there are still more to come.

"I should've asked...I didn't know how to ask. I thought I knew what's best for you...oh, I've been a terrible mother!"

"Mommy, no!" She tears herself away and looks into her mother's eyes. "There are a lot of things that I wish for, but I realized now...I wouldn't change anything for the world! Everything that's happened, it's just something I had to learn on my own. I understood that you did your best, mom...you didn't have to say much, I could see it clearly! I just hope that you can trust me...in anything I do, please trust me. Please keep loving me,"

"Of course I do! I didn't mean to - oh, I'm so sorry!"

"Mommy," She held her mother at arm's length. "I know you worry a lot. And I'm so sorry if I'm the one who made you feel that way. But I need to tell you that I love my new life in Seoul. I love my work and I love my friends there. They helped me a lot and because of that, I loved myself a lot too. It wasn't just a 'pit-stop' for me. I found a life, and I found myself,"

She paused, only long enough to let her mother process it. The multiple blinking shows that the elder is somewhat confused of her sudden recollection.

"I didn't tell you this before cus I was afraid. I told you I'd travel the world and come back, but I only went to two countries and fell in love with one. I was afraid that you'd make me choose but mommy, someone once told me that if a person truly loves us, they won't make us pick between one or the other. I'm telling you now that I love them and I love you and daddy equally. I want both and I think I deserve it. And I hope you can accept that here, it's a life you've made for you. I'd like to make my life over there, if it's not too much to ask,"

It's partly amazing that she didn't even flinch her way in relaying this reality. Even with all the determination in the world, she thought that she'd at least stutter a little. But she didn't. Instead, her lips curved up to a smile - knowing that no matter how hard life seemed to be, there's always at least one person who understands her...and for her to go to.

...

It's another busy night and in every corner he passes by, he's reminded that there's love in the air. The sights of couples - old or new - being in each other's arms without a care in the world is repulsing. Or maybe it's the alcohol in his system that's disgusted by it. 

Music used to be a drug that buzzes his mind and brings him higher but lately, all Jungkook wants to do is shut them off. He yearns for the silence now, just like his unresponsive girlfriend. Or is it ex-girlfriend now? The thought angered him once again, so he made his way back to the office - passing through the many movements and happy cheers.

"There you are!" A hand grabbed on his and he turns to find Sana. "I thought I saw you behind the bar just now,"

"Oh...hey," His jaw tensed as he tries hard to force a smile. Behind her, 3 girls and 2 guys are sharing knowing glances and whispers. 

"We're celebrating the end of a project," Sana explained, even without him asking. I mean...there's always something to celebrate with these people, isn't there?

"You've been here quite a lot these days. I know I should be grateful -"

"Omo! Am I unwelcomed here?"

"No, of course not," He forced a wider smile. "Just thought you'd be hitting the next trendy club in town by now,"

"We went to Velvet Lounge last week. I didn't like it," She leans closer and whispers, "They didn't have the face I wanted to look at,"

Strings of bad outcomes could result in those flirty pair of eyes, and he just felt the tingles of her touch brushes up his arms. Even so, Jungkook's not about to make the same mistake twice. His paranoia strikes hard as his eyes began scanning around, searching for a face that he's been missing - hoping that she's not here to see this, but also that she here so he can run back to her. When he failed to find her, he turns backs to the ex.

"Stop this," He said politely, maintaining the smile that didn't feel right. 

"Stop what?"

"Your hands. I'd appreciate it if you can keep them to yourself,"

She looked disappointed, but it's nothing he could help with. "Kook -"

"I got work to do, Sana. Enjoy your night," He cuts her off and left.

What is it with these girls - the only person I want is not fucking here! Why can't she be here? Why can't she reply me, even once?! That long ass text I sent, was it all for nothing?? The sorrow in his chest had switched into anger and he slammed the door as hard as he could, ready to drown himself in his office again for the rest of the night.

...

It's so much easier to accept on missing things when it's quiet. The coffee shop's chatter and rush hour traffic had passed as Lisa rereads the message again, hoping that it will ease the anxious feeling she has inside while waiting for Sorn and Minnie at the old cafe they used to hang out at.

'I wish I could be that person who you know you can run to when things get a little heavy. I wished for a lot of things, but mainly this. No words could ever be enough to lay my apologies for what you had seen. I wish I can see you right in front of me so I can tell you I'm sorry. I never wanted you to run, but I did just that. I'm sorry. Despite the portrayal of myself, I am really a weak man for you. I'm sorry for that too. I thought I only wanted you to see the good parts about me but now I feel like I could get on my knees to have you see all of me. I'm that greedy, I'm sorry. No matter how, what, or where you choose to be, I want you to know that there can never be a replacement for how I feel for you. I want you to know that everything is okay with me. I don't want you to worry about anything else but yourself. I don't want to selfishly claim that I deserve anything from you at all. I miss you. And truly, I love you. But if being away from you is what helps, I'll give it to you. Please, take care of yourself. Please, don't hate me for too long. I'll always remember the beautiful girl who cried at the airport. And I'll remember the brave girl who spent the evening with me at her friend's wedding. I'll remember all our 58 dates and the nights and days you spent by my side. I may not know much about the future but I know yours is going to be amazing, no matter what. Again Lisa, I love you.'

She had cried reading Jungkook's message for 2 whole nights and by the third, she found nothing but calmness and solace in knowing that he really meant it. It was a choice made, to believe in him. And by today, reading it made her smile excitedly too, as she thought of her journey forward.

"Hey,"

Lisa looks up to find both of her old friends' awkward smiles on her. They must've heard something from Pali - otherwise, they wouldn't look so damn nervous in front of me! Both have little changes in their faces and hair but otherwise, they looked just like how she remembers them. 

She remembers how she constantly felt so little when being in the group of four. She remembers feeling so much love for the three she called her 'sisters', to a point that she allowed herself to be left walking far at the back. Still, she tried to catch up most of the times - desperately trying to make them laugh or cheer them on. 

"How're things?" Minnie asked. "Your mom told me that you're back but I...we uh..."

"We didn't think you'd wanna see us," Sorn continued when it seemed like the other couldn't.

Lisa took a deep breath before she shifts her gaze from the almost-empty glass to her 'friends'. Her snaps at Palisa back then might be a 'spur of a moment', but this isn't one. It's like her mother said...there are things to be resolved. And she's taking the step for her own peace of mind.

"I didn't before. But it's necessary. By the way, Minnie, congratulations to you and Bammie. I really hope Arthit grows up healthily...happily," 

"Thank you. Whenever you're free, please drop by the house. I'd like to introduce him to you,"

Lisa sighed a smile. "One day, maybe," She said before squaring her shoulders. "The reason I asked to meet is to tell you, both of you, that I'm out of any hard feelings,"

"Pali told us...what you said. I'm so sorry that we made you feel that way, Lis," She could see Minnie fidgeting with her fingers.

"Like I said, I don't hold any anger...or grudges for that matter. Not anymore. I feel that I need to let you know, what you guys did...hurt me so bad. You sat there when I stood alone at the altar. You looked at me like you were judging me -"

"But we didn't -"

Lisa held a hand up, stopping Minnie's words. "You were supposed to be my support system, but none of you showed up when I needed you the most. You posted that picture - I doubt that there was any worries in it but you know, in all of my years, I'd never thought that any of you would do that to me. But you did. And like I said, it's necessary,"

She embraces the fact that there are no regrets in saying these things. That she no longer feels scared about telling her truth. 

"Despite everything that happened two years ago, I do have high gratitude for all the times we had fun together. We grew up together...we laughed together. There was never any tests put into our friendship, until Kun came into the picture. And I guess...for that...I'm truly sorry,"

Minnie's eyes are already wet with tears, but she didn't let it stop her.

"I'm sorry if I ever put you in a situation where you had to think hard about who you're choosing. I'd like to think that anyone who deserves a spot in our lives will just be there. It's not supposed to be forced. And I'm sorry if you think I'm being selfish for this meet. I'd like it if all of us can just move on without all these regrets. I'm sure you have better things to think about in your lives too,"

"Lali, you left us without even a word," Sorn tries to hold her ground.

"I did...but I won't apologize for it. See, the fact that I left...proved to me just how insignificant I'd been in your lives. It's something that I needed to realize I guess -"

"No, that's not what -"

"And before you say something like 'I asked your mom about you' like Pali did, I'd like to remind you that my number was still active," This newfound determination might have infused the blaze in her eyes, but she's unapologetic for that either. "It's okay now, really. There's no justifying the how-and-why now. Things happened...and it had been done collectively by all of you. Now, don't get me wrong. I was heartbroken before and it's still heartbreaking to sit here in front of you...knowing you...but not really knowing you,"

She had some conversation with these two in her mind last night and although their reactions differ, she is exactly where she wanted to be. Gentle...with a little bit of fire.

"I'm beginning to understand that not everyone will stay in my life...some friendships really does fall apart, but I'd like you to know that each of you have made an impact in my life. The reason why I'm here...and why I can still smile while saying that no, I won't pretend that I've forgotten you. Not gonna lie, there were days when I sat on my own, wondering what I've done to deserve the kind of treatment but...I met some new, amazing people in those days. And even as I'm here in my silence...so far from them...they still cared enough to tell me things like 'don't get sick' or 'I miss you'. Those are the kind of people that anyone wouldn't mind going back to, really,"

"So you're saying we're bad friends? Just cus we didn't call?" 

"Yes," She stares back at Sorn. "Yes, it's exactly that. You're probably good friends to each other - certainly to Kun, but not to me,"

"What's the right thing to do then - he told us what happened to him! He explained! You didn't - you just left!"

"Oh, you definitely did the right thing," She smiled, maintaining her calm. "I'm not gonna argue about him - I made it clear to him that he was a coward who didn't deserve my time of day but I'm here now, with you, so what does that say? Am I still this villain you pictured me to be, just to satisfy your actions?"

There are some moments in life when everything just fell into deep silence. No trying harder. Nothing. This is one of it. 

"You can keep thinking of me that way if it helps you live your lives peacefully. I'm not trying to bruise anyone's ego here - you wanted an explanation, so here it is. What you've done hurts me, but it didn't anymore. You were bad friends to me but I carried you in every steps I took. That was all me and it will forever be me. I'm only telling you that you don't need to pretend that I'm anything more than just fleeting memories to you cus it hurts my mom. It hurts my family and I can't sit back and let them carry your empty messages anymore. I'm here to tell you that all is done and we are done,"

"Just like that? What are we, ten?? What - you're gonna avoid us at every turn from now?"

"No, the ten-year-old me would run and act like a clown just so everyone would laugh, Sorn. The ten-year-old me would let you ride my bike for weeks even if it means I'd end up walking back home alone," She can't help her bitter, sarcastic laugh. "No, this is us, all grown up and accepting that none of us are even perfect to begin with. I'm not ashamed to admit my mistakes. I'm not hiding away my scars. This is me, telling you that I'm okay. I don't really care how you're taking it or what you do with these thing I just said,"

"Lali..." Minnie sobs. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry,"

Lisa's gaze softens. For a second there, she allowed herself to feel a little emotional. 

"There are many times...that I wanted to call...but I didn't know how or - or what to say. I'm so sorry!" The girl cries down to her own lap. Beside her, Sorn tries to calm her down - brushing her palm softly on her back. The sight nearly made herself cry.

"See...you're good friends to each other. I hope you stay this way, I really do,"

...