"It was fucking uncalled for and you know it! When we asked you to say what you feel, that wasn't it!"

"I don't understand! What's gotten into you - why would you put him in the spot like that??"

"Lis, I'm just...wow...I've never seen any man who'd tolerate such a toxic behavior so fucking calmly and trust me, this is one thing no one can help you with. Whatever you get out of it, I sure hope it's worth it!"

Her friends' snaps began to sound louder by the time she came back to her house...fully sober. Unacceptable. She knew it but she has too much pride to admit it. To be honest, she was already tipsy when she forced the question on him. It wasn't an excuse and safe to say that she had ruined the night for all of them.

He had never glared at her like that. He was really angry and it's given. She was pushing her luck...and maybe her thoughts had in fact, taken over. I messed up. I really messed up! How could I be so insensitive? That wasn't me - or was it? Jennie's right...why am I so toxic?? When did the sadness grew into such hate? Why am I lashing out unnecessarily to those who didn't deserve it?

Her heart's been begging her to apologize in Chaeyoung's car throughout the entire ride back but she hadn't gotten a grip of it. Or maybe she was too anxious - she couldn't tell as the alcohol was still running most of her. I was so rude to him...it was the worst - especially after knowing about his mother. She couldn't even bear looking at him when he left as there was too much guilt! Jungkook had been the perfect boyfriend even when she puts him in the spot like that.

It was all my fault. I was really digging my own grave with that one! I was caught in the moment and I clearly failed the test! Why the hell was I drinking so much?? Oh yeah...home came too close...and my stupid brain -

He looked tired...defeated. She was going to grab her bag, ready to leave with him and apologize profusely in the car when they're alone - right before she heard him asking Chaeyoung to drive her safely home. Even after she had embarrassed him like that, he was still being a caring boyfriend. Lisa plants her face deeply into the pillow and groans loudly - too frustrated with her own self. I need to apologize...he didn't deserve it! I need to! I want to!

She quickly grabbed her phone and called him. After a few rings, it goes into voicemail. She tries again...and again...and again. Okay...okay, calm down and just keep trying. Maybe he's busy. Maybe he's at the floor and he left his phone in the office. He does that sometimes right? I mean...he did it when he was drinking - oh no...is he drinking -

It's finally picked up and she heard the loud thumps of music before it went completely silent.

"Jungkook?" Nothing. Lisa sat up and clears her throat. "Babe?" Can I still call him that after the shit I just pulled?

"Lalisa," She can't remember when was the last time he called her by her full name. It must've mean something. "Did you get home safe?"

"Yes..." It's unbearable. The awkwardness - suddenly feeling like she's been pushed back into formalities is too much and it's her own doing. "I'm sorry...about what happened. I just -"

"Take a glass of water before you go to sleep okay? There are a few events in some rooms tonight so I'll be a bit tied-up,"

Oh... It was all that she could mutter. It's the second time that he's ever pulled himself away like this - the first being in that room she found him in when she went to apologize. Damn it - how many times are you doing this Lali??

When it fell silent again, she tries a different tack. "I'll see you tomorrow then? We're going to the arcade, right?"

She decides to pretend she didn't just heard him sigh. He's probably tired of your shit at this point!

"I don't know what time I'll be back. I'll probably sleep in," No! "You can go ahead with your plans,"

Lisa felt the waterworks in the making and she took a deep breath to calm herself. He needs the space. He just needs some space. It doesn't mean -

"I have to get back to work,"

"Okay...yeah...sure,"

"Goodnight, Lalisa,"

Lalisa. It breaks her heart but she knew she needs to pay for this mess.

...

"Talk to me," Jimin leaned back with a glass of Jack Daniels in his hand. 

The golden liquid looks so tempting but his mood is too all over the place that he needs to keep himself strong. He might not be able to stop if he starts. 

"Nothing to talk about," Jungkook kept his stare to the flashing lights outside of the VIP room where he first locked eyes with Lisa. Ironically, it's the only place where he doesn't feel so shitty. 

"Chae told me what happened. You've been ignoring my texts -"

"What are you, my girlfriend?" 

"Why - have your girlfriend been whining about you ignoring her texts?"

Maybe I'd feel slightly better if she did but who am I kidding here? The Lisa that I know won't act so predictably selfish! Her voice in their phone call that night sounded so burdened. He knew that the guilt had finally knocked on her doorstep then, but what can he do while the wound is still bleeding? 

"No. Safe to say that you're worse than my girlfriend,"

Jimin sighed a laugh. Good to see my pain amused him well! 

"My wife can't stop nagging me about talking to you. She was hell-bent sure that you're upset over it and she wants me to tell you that her friend doesn't mean to hurt you. She's just going through some stuff,"

"Tell your wife that she should be by her friend's side then,"

'Things that are meant for you will always find a way to come back to you'. That's what eomma said. It's clear that no matter how hard I try, I could never amount much to her. Whatever she keeps inside has always been a little too out of reach. I told her I love her. I guess I should stop wondering why she hadn't said it back.

"That's bitter, don't you think? Whatever happened to the ever-optimistic Jeon Jungkook?"

"He was slapped cold in front of three other women by his own love, what did you think was gonna happen?"

Jimin sighed again - probably regretting the visit. There's very little things that Jungkook could think of...things that will make him feel better. Unfortunately, those things will have to include Lisa - holding him and telling him what he wants to hear most.

"So that's it? You're giving her up?"

"Are you here to help me or piss me off - I really can't tell,"

"I'm here cus my wife won't stop bugging me about your relationship and I have a free VIP pass, so I'm paying half the amount for good, quality liquors. You know what that means? It means that I can sit here and drink as much as I want and when I get home, my wife will still be there, sleeping next to me - regardless of whatever happens in your relationship. While you...you'd still go home to an empty bed, still feeling as miserable as you are now and tomorrow will be no different, so do the math,"

Jungkook's eyes pierces at the menacing smirk on his friend. The hell's gotten into him? Had he grown 2 extra balls after being married or something - how dare he??

"You know I can call my security to throw you out, right?"

"You can...still won't change the fact though,"

This fucking prick! But he does have a point...

Jungkook took a deep breath and wiped his face with both palms, trying to calm himself down. He felt like he's aged 5 more years in just one night! 

"I don't know how to fix this...to go back to how it was before. I don't know what she's thinking when she threw me off the bus like that but I know that she's sorry. I just don't know if I'll be able to look at her the same way...at least for now,"

"So you're hiding?"

He nods slowly. 

"Kook...you know we don't do all this heart-to-heart shit-talks and I know that I have to be on your side about things that matters to you. But I also have to be real...coming from a man who had countlessly cried for the woman he loves...don't hide for too long," He said.

Jungkook stares blankly to the glass that his friend has set on the table.

"So she did something wrong -"

"She tried to run from me many times before, hyung,"

"That didn't stop you before! What I'm saying is...maybe you've been putting her on this imaginary pedestal and I get it - we all like to think of how perfect the person we're in love with are - but maybe it's time to acknowledge that she's just another person? She messed up, your time's probably not up yet but it will come, definitely! Now I'm only saying this cus I know how much you like her, how much work you've put into getting her to like you back and maybe, simply cus of that, you owe it to yourself to talk to her about it. Tell her exactly what she did wrong and how it affects you. I mean...what's the worst that could happen -"

"She'd run again,"

"You're barely talking to her now, I don't think there's much difference!"

"I told her I love her...she never said it back, not once! There's a difference. It's not her heart that'll be crushed into pieces -"

"Like I said, it's no different than now! You, hiding. Her, running. This will keep going in circles until you just face it and get the closure both of you desperately need and if it ends...hey, it's a chapter! You've been here before - fuck, we've all been there before and yes, I know it'll hurt like hell but you can either stay like this until too late or end it just in time to heal! Either way, you'll both learn to be better. That's how it works, Kook!"

Jungkook shook his head bleakly, shutting his eyes at the prospect that this might be the end. The thought is cruelly despairing. Jimin's probably right but he can't seem to grasp of how this could work to his satisfaction. All he wanted was Lisa, by his side. Smiling...laughing...loving him and now...now even if she does come back, she'll only be pitying him.

I would've given her all the time in the world if she would just ask. 

...

By the next course of the day, she checks on her phone more than the usual. By noon, she already felt hopeless at receiving nothing from Jungkook. The next half in the evening, she's finding it harder and harder to stay calm. 

Lisa's not one to jump into confrontations. Come to think of it, the only confrontations that she had initiated on her own was only with Palisa...and yes, her boyfriend. It's clear that this new self has its pros and cons. She just wished she could take back the 'cons' and shove it to the back of her brain!

She was jealous. At everyone and everything. How bashful and unaffected Palisa looked when they bumped into each other. Life hadn't taken a toll on her old friends like it had on her. Deep down, she wished she could be as cheerful and not give a fuck about them anymore but no, she had to be far from it. 

She was jealous at Sana - knowing that the ex knew more about Jungkook than she did. Now more than anything, she's jealous of Jungkook. She's jealous of how well-mannered he is and what a good son he's been. She's jealous at the fact that something that could've been taken horrifically was treated with calmness and sensibility. 

On her way back, she stopped by his house - hoping that they could talk. She knocked on the door a couple of times but was left unanswered. She thought of calling him but dismissed the idea when she saw all the blue ticks displayed on her sent messages but with no replies.

He's still mad...maybe very mad. I should respect his space...

It's suddenly becoming a terrifying thought to have - that Jungkook had probably hated her with all his might and that she'll probably never get to see him again. He truly is an amazing person. She realized that the longer she delays telling him the truth, the more greedy she felt - wanting for his attention to last. 

Wanting to care for him, more and more. Wanting to stay by him, to love him the same way as he loves her. Wanting more for the future. But time is running out and she didn't know how to move on from these feelings. If I go back...can we still be like this? Would both of us still feel the same or would we end up hating each other? 

I'm already making such a mess being this close to him...what was it that Chae said - that he told Jimin I ran from him for so many times? The only time she could recall was when he spoke about their destiny of meeting each other. When else...

Her phone rings and it's her mother. 

"When's your flight, dear?" She heard the quick question after she gave a simple 'Hi mommy'.

"I um..." How can Lisa tell her that she haven't booked a ticket yet even after 2 weeks? "There's a few projects I need to complete...I can't just leave them - it'll be irresponsible of me,"

It feels weird to be lying around like this. Especially towards her parents. She never kept much from them but it seems that the day of her supposed-wedding changed everything.

"Lali...what did I tell you? You keep giving us all these excuses, I'm beginning to think that you never wanted to come home! What - do you have a new family over there? A boyfriend?"

Lisa fell silent. I could just come clean. I could...but...do I still even have him? 

One at a time, Lali. Let's sort out one mess at a time!

...

It is Day Four Post-Mess and she had only received 3 replies from Jungkook. 1 per day with a short 'okay' to her long messages of trying to act like nothing happened. Those updates were stupid - when have I ever write that long to explain where I'm going and why?? Time is running out...and he's still not talking to me. 

Now here she is, sitting alone at the bar where she and her friends would normally drink after work. She locked back her phone after uploading a Story on her Instagram of what she felt under this foreign sky that has provided so much in such a short time. I existed to him when I was only a traveler...even without a compass, he accepted my unshaped journey and hoped for immeasurable lifetime. Oh, what have I done?

The burnt orange sun has set, yet she's still unable to find the solutions that will benefit her heavy heart in any way. She realized that the baggage she brought here wasn't only the surface of what she claimed to be. She is angry, definitely! But it's not just at her ex and her so-called friends. The mess with Jungkook got her blaming her dead and undead aunts, even her silent mother and her loyal father too at one point!

Why can't I just feel normal again? Why does it have to be so complicated? When will I heal - or whatever the fuck it is that they talked about in Eat, Pray, Love? Aishh maybe unnie was right to accept that letter. There's no healing - not from where I'm standing. But the sky here...this mandarin and violet sky and its cool reflections on the rippling Han River - is exceptionally spectacular.

All things considered and done, Lisa knew that if her feelings weren't so sensitive all the damn time, she would have a much happier life here with her unnies and Chaeyoung. She might even dare to dream about growing old with Jungkook. Timing...she has been running from home for almost 2 years and she thought if she tries hard enough to push everything to the back of her mind, it will all disappear. And she's angry to find that it hasn't.

"There's a saying...you can't defeat the darkness by keeping it caged inside of you,"

She looks up with caution, unsure why there's a female voice so close to her all of a sudden. Her tipsy vision might've fooled her into finding Jennie, so she maintains her silence.

"Lisa-ya...I feel quite hurt now that you didn't invite me for this drink,"

"You're trying to get a baby," Lisa sits up and choose to trust that it's her friend. "How did you find me here?"

"I texted you but you didn't reply. Chu told me you said something about needing a drink and...this is the only place we hang for happy hours," Jennie took a seat by her side - facing the river and sighed. "She also told me about the old friend you bumped into. I'm guessing that's what triggered you to do what you did?"

Was it? I'm not even sure of anything anymore! "You're smart, unnie...smarter than me,"

"I sure am," Jennie scoffed. "So...Jungkook?"

An unconscious, nervous laugh slipped her mouth. "He's...unresponsive...understandably,"

"Have you tried apologizing?"

"Tried and failed. I don't think he wants so talk about it...relive it. I wouldn't too if I were him," Just talking about it makes her feel like crying.

"Give him time...you know how men are. He'll come out from his cave when he's ready,"

Lisa took another sip of beer and nods slowly. "Time...I don't think I have much of it,"

"What do you mean?"

She takes a deep breath, as if saying it requires a lot of energy. "I'm going home, unnie. That's why I quit. My parents...they're not doing so well and it's been too long, I'm afraid I'll just keep disappointing them if I don't go back,"

The elder stared at her in stunned silence before asking, "And why can't you come back? I'm sure Chu can understand -"

"I don't know what's waiting for me back home. I don't know anything, to be honest...I thought I did but the universe seems to be laughing at me," She was about to drink some more but was halted when Jennie took the bottle away from her hand.

"You need to stop drinking like this if you really want things to get better,"

Tears finally broke the dam in her eyes. Everything felt a little too dense in her chest - unlike anything she had ever felt before. 

"It took me only three minutes to decide that I was gonna leave home before. That's how much I hated to be there. I held my head up high like it didn't bother me to be left on my own but my heart...unnie, if you could see how broken it was - to stand there in front of all those people and not even recognize who I am anymore, I just..."

She sobbed harder, hiding her face down. Everything becomes more and more blurry in her eyes and mind. Moments overlap in time, the features looking like it's been fabricated from someone else's life and not hers. All of her sadness and guilt is now here - too accommodating to her fears.

"I hate that I have to go back there and I'm scared! I'm scared I'll end up just where I started - I'm already halfway there! Do you know that I haven't even told him yet? That I quit and I'm going home - how unfair of me to not just be honest with him? I hurt him so much and I don't know what to do! It was all my doing - my own person - I feel so weak -"

"Hey," Jennie pulls her in, letting her cry in her arms. 

"It's been days...it's been days and I can't even find an answer to how I could make us okay again...how I could leave. I had all this time yet I can't even find the strength to pack my bags," Her shoulders shuddered as she tries to stop herself from succumbing to the hysterical turmoil. "I don't wanna leave him but I'm scared...I'm scared I'll break us apart and we ended up hating each other and he didn't deserve it...he didn't deserve to be hurt like this -"

"Shh...I know you have a lot of fears in you. I bet he does too -"

"What do I do, unnie? Where should I go? I don't know where I belong and -"

"It'll be okay. It's not the end of anything, Lis...wherever you go, I know you'll be okay. You know how I know that?" Jennie dips her head a little to find hers. "Cus the way I see it, you didn't run. You never did. You got through it and walked away, that's all. It's just that...maybe you should tell yourself that you're broken and that's okay. I keep reminding you this - to speak more and be honest with yourself. You're too young to live in a box filled with fears, you know that?" 

"I always tell Tae of how lucky I was to have met you. I never had anyone who's like a sister to me before and I can tell you, Chu and Chae would've said the same. Jungkook really loves you, anyone could've sensed it with their closed! Now, if you feel that he doesn't deserve it, can you let him know of all your fears? Tell him what you really feel?"

Embarrassment and shame washes over her. The crippling pain that was reflected in his eyes came unbidden - making her feel like such a failure. 

"You love him too...am I right?"

There are some important truths that she wishes to have learned sooner. Things like...I love him...I really do.

...