Boston Harbor, 5 a.m.

(The lochness monster appears out of the water, and bellows; the British shake and tremble in absolute fear. Nessie reaches her long neck over a British naval ship and snatches one soldier with her mouth and proceeds to eat him. The British scream in terror while the crowd rejoices.)

(Nessie then sprays fire from her mouth and a British naval ship is engulfed in flames. British soldiers are immediately transformed into ashes. Nessie follows that act by shooting bolts of lightning from her eyes and annihilating several ships. Next, Nessie squeezes her gargantuan nipples with tremendous force and sulfuric acid discharges from them like a fire hose, the acid burns off the flesh of the remaining British soldiers.)

(After killing the last of the British, Nessie speaks.)

Nessie - "Good Morning Americans, lovely day wouldn't you say?"

Patrick Henry - "Quite lovely indeed. How do you do Nessie? Thank you for saving us by the way."

Nessie - "No worries at all, I needed some exercise."

Patrick Henry - "Nonsense! Do not say that, you look phenomenal. Come to think about it, have you lost weight?"

Nessie (blushes and waves her arm) - "Oh stop it!"

Patrick Henry (turns to the crowd and asks) - "Doesn't she look amazing everyone?"

The crowd - "You look hot!" "Daaayummm!" "Ohhhhh girl, you fine!" (Whistles and catcalls are expressed in the background.)

Nessie (blushes and smiles) - "You are all too sweet."

Patrick Henry - "What can I get you girl? How can we ever repay you?"

Nessie (thinks for a second, then answers) - "I would like some British tea."

Patrick Henry - "Would you like it cold or hot?"

Nessie - "I'd like it dumped into the harbor."

Patrick Henry - "We can make that happen. Bostonians, you heard the beautiful lady, dump the tea!!!"

(All the Bostonians approach a tea carton and are about to shove the tea into the harbor but Eli interjects.)

Eli (standing on one of the cartons, screams out) - "STOPPPPP!!!" (Everyone stops and looks at Eli.)

Eli - "That is enough! I have been biting my tongue this whole time, but I have had it with all of you! Rebelling against the British is an idiotic idea, dressing up as Native Americans is an inconsiderate act, and dumping tea into a harbor is an irresponsible and thoughtless idea, for you are polluting our own harbor! Do we want to be the USA aka the The United States of Assholes? We should care for the planet, we should care for others, we should be rational in our decisions, we should have discussions about the pros and cons of separating from the British, we should not be bullied and shamed into thinking one way, we do not need to go to war and lose lives, we can figure something out that works for the majority of us all. I believe we have smart, capable and reasonable men that can lead us, and you may not want to hear this but those men are not the Sons of Liberty. They are wanting to separate for purely selfish reasons, they do not care for you, they only care for themselves, do you not see, are you blind!?"

Blind Guy - "Yeah I'm blind!"

Eli - "Blind Guy I'm not speaking to you?"

Blind Guy - "Well why not?! I am not deaf, I can still hear, speak and have a conversation asshole."

Eli - "I don't have time for this Blind Guy. Commoners, your lives will be the same, you will continue to live as slaves for other wealthy white guys with wigs, don't you see? You will still have a government taxing you and making the decisions for you. You will still be ruled and have laws and regulations that you must abide by. Are you all dumb?! Things are not going to miraculously get better, you must take responsibility for your own lives, stop blaming others and thinking that other people will change your life for you."

Samuel Adams (interrupting Eli's speech by shouting) - "Nessie, eat him!"

(Nessie listens to the command and devours Eli. The crowd roars in jubilation! Nessie burps.)

Virginia (cries out) - "Eli! Oh no! Now who is going to listen to all my problems!?"

Benjamin - "I would say the British Commander for he is a licensed therapist, but he is dead too...Hmm, I am positive that we can find you a new lad. There are endless dating apps that contain eligible and handsome bachelors, we will just set you up with a dating profile."

Virginia - "What if I don't find anyone?"

Benjamin - "Nonsense! There are thousands of men to choose from, the odds are in your favor."

Virginia (on the app) - "Oh yeah this is fun and easy to do! I like this a lot. I can find men from the comfort of my own shitter. Anyways, sorry for interrupting everyone, let us continue."

Patrick Henry (nods and then shouts an order to all the Bostonians) - "Dump the tea!"

(Everyone emphatically and triumphantly pushes the tea cartons into the harbor in unison. They all begin to cheer, they pop champagne and chant "USA! USA! USA!" Fireworks are lit off and explode over the Boston Harbor, painting the morning sky in red, white and blue.)