11: AND THEN HE VANISHES AND IT'S SAD AND STUFF

« all i wanted was to be loved for myself. »

"THAT WAS possibly one of the most stressful things I've ever watched," Allison announces as the credits begin to roll down the screen.

"Stop being melodramatic, it wasn't that bad," Toby rolls his eyes.

"I'm sorry, did I just hear right?" Allison cocks her head in mock confusion. "Did you just call me melodramatic?"

"Whatever," he brushes off, clearly for lack of a decent response. "You're literally the only person I've ever met who has watched The Phantom of the Opera and not been super emotional afterwards."

"Probably because the only people you've met who have watched Phantom of the Opera are theatre geeks," Allison retorts snippily.

"Oh, is that what I'm being called now?" Toby questions with mild amusement, getting up and heading towards the kitchen.

"Yes, and it's not like you can deny it, either," she follows him.

"Whatever," Toby repeats. "Hot chocolate?"

"Yeah, thanks," she hops onto the counter and watches as he retrieves two mugs from the cupboard. "Anyway. I didn't like it."

"When do you ever?" Toby questions drily, and something about his harshly sarcastic tone raises her brows.

"What's up with you?"

He pauses, teaspoon of brown powder hovering precariously between the container and one of the mugs. "Nothing," he says finally.

"Toby."

"I'm fine, I promise," he shakes his head and turns to her, now with a smile on his face.

"Uh-uh," Allison replies, shaking her head in return. "You're not doing this again."

"What?" he goes back to distributing equal amounts of the chocolate powder between his cup and hers, then starts to turn around to get the milk from the fridge, but she catches his wrist before he can go far, and forces him to look at her.

 "You know, it's kinda insulting that you're making me watch all these musicals but when something is up you don't even tell me what," Allison points out, raising her eyebrows at him. "I mean, I know we're not exactly BFFs, but even though we're not close or whatever –"

"It's not that," Toby interrupts quickly, drawing back, but she keeps her grip on his wrist firm. 

"Then what?" she asks, her tone soft but urgent. 

From here, she can see Toby's face clearly, and the dark circles under his eyes make her distinctly uncomfortable, if nothing else. Looks like she's not the only one who hasn't been sleeping very well.  "Toby," she murmurs, frowning. "C'mon, just - you can tell me."

He holds her gaze for a long few seconds, before returning  to the fridge, his back to her. She lets her grip slip from his wrist with a sigh. There's a heavy drawn-out silence between them, before Allison says in a high, shaky tone of voice: "Toby, where's your mom?"

He stops short, back still to her. "Wh - what?" he asks, voice slightly hoarse.

"Your mom, Toby. Where is she?"

"I..."

Allison slips off the counter and round to Toby, closing the fridge door quietly. "Where's your mom, Toby?" she asks, still insistent. She thinks that maybe the stricken look on Toby's face is a big hint for her to stop, but she isn't sure she can. Their conversation in his car a week and a half before still lingers in the back of her mind, and at the end of the day, she talked to him, she told him stuff that she doesn't usually tell anybody, and he doesn't want to reciprocate, and Allison feels childish for being upset about it,  but she's still upset about it.

Toby mumbles something that sounds vaguely like I don't know, and Allison's eyes widen.

"What?"

"I - she's not here," Toby tells her in a stronger, more audible voice than before. "She's...not around. Not in that way!" he rushes to assure her when her eyes widen even further at the implication. "She's just...not living here anymore, I guess..."

"I get it," Allison says, and she doesn't feel upset any more, she just feels bad for asking him at all. "I, uh, I'm sorry."

The side of Toby's mouth quirks up into a tiny half-smile, cheek dimpling slightly as it does so, and she suddenly feels a very weird urge to pull him into a hug. "S'okay, Allie. I have been being a little weird lately, I guess..."

"Don't call me that," Allison admonishes, rolling her eyes. 

"Sorry," Toby replies, but he doesn't really look like he means it. "So, you didn't like Phantom, huh?"

She recognises the switching of the subject, but decides to go along with it. "It was just so..." Allison trails off, frowning. "Emotional."

"Oh, God forbid," Toby gasps.

Allison punches his shoulder, and he whimpers in pain. "Stop being a smartass and heat the damn chocolate," she scolds.

Toby raises his eyebrows, but does as she says. Soon, the both of them are sipping at warm mugs of the stuff, and a sigh of slight content is slipping from her lips before she can even stop it. Toby shoots her an amused glance, but it's a lot warmer than the one he was wearing only a few moments ago, and Allison feels herself relax slightly.

Suddenly, Toby's face breaks out into a wide smile. She frowns confusedly. "What?"

"Nothing," he says, still grinning as he brings the mug to his lips.

"Toby..." Allison's eyes narrow.

"Mhm?"

"Oh, really?" she arches an eyebrow. "Random smiling now?"

"It wasn't random."

"Then what?"

"What what?"

She lets out a tiny noise of frustration. "Why were you smiling?"

"Okay, you wanna know?" Toby asks, still beaming as he takes a few steps closer to her.

"Yes."

"You really wanna know?" The smile has made the transition to a smirk that's grating severely against Allison's nerves.

"Toby, for God's sake –"

"Okay, okay," he holds up the hand that isn't holding his mug in surrender. "I was smiling because...you were smiling."

"What?" Allison blinks. "No I wasn't –"

"Yes, you were," Toby assures her, and now he's definitely smirking.

"Toby, I was not smiling –"

"You were!"

"Okay, this is stupid," she huffs. "Why would I just randomly be smiling?"

"I don't know! But you were!"

"I was not."

"You should smile more often," he says in a thoughtful tone, and she thinks to herself that it isn't the first time he's said that. "Suits you better than some other facial expressions I could name which you use a lot more..."

"Shut up."

"No, but really. Smiles suit you."

Allison rolls her eyes. "Cheesy..."

"What can I say," he winks at her. "Guess I'm just that kind of guy."

Allison looks at him for a moment, before bursting into laughter. "Oh God..." she manages. "You're ridiculous."

She finds herself unable to stop laughing, and soon enough she can hear the lower register of Toby's own laugh joining in with hers. When they've finally sobered enough that only a few stray chuckles are escaping from their mouths, Toby is beaming at her so widely the corners of his lips almost stretch from ear to ear.

"Oh God, what now," Allison sighs, but she's still got a small smile playing on her lips, so the effect is kind of the opposite of what she wanted to get across.

"That's the first time I've heard you laugh," Toby observes.

"Oh, come on, that is so not the first time you've heard me laugh."

"No, but like, properly," he says. "Like, your belly laugh."

"Yeah, okay," Allison rolls her eyes.

"Don't roll your eyes!" he nudges her shoulder with his. "I'm serious!"

"Whatever."

"Honestly! Your belly laugh is nice, by the way. Just saying."

"Thanks, Toby," Allison replies in a dry tone of voice. "So is yours." She frowns after a few seconds when she realises that despite seeing him smile almost every minute of the day, that's the first time she's heard Toby laugh too.

"Thanks, Allison!" he chirps.

"You're an idiot."

"At least I actually smile."

"Shut up."

✦

"...and then he vanishes and only his mask is left behind and it's sad and stuff. I don't know."

"Sounds fascinating," Lydia comments, not looking up from her book. "I'm glad you enjoyed it so much."

"I didn't," Allison replies grimly.

"I was being sarcastic."

"Whatever."

"Well, anyway," Lydia says, removing her eyes from the book and fixing them on Allison, "your summary is pretty accurate, for the most part –"

"Wait," Allison interrupts slowly, holding up a hand. "You've seen The Phantom of the Opera?"

"Yeah," Lydia shrugs. "My parents took me to see it for my twelfth birthday."

Allison arches an eyebrow. "Out of all the things they could've taken you to see, they chose Phantom?"

"Whatever, we all know my parents don't exactly have their priorities straight," Lydia rolls her eyes. "They'll do anything for their little angel, except ask her what she actually wants to do. Anyway."

"No, but seriously, how did you even survive?"

"I don't know, I thought it was okay," Lydia says lightly. "A little heavy in some places, but overall, pretty entertaining."

"Oh, yeah, just some places," Allison snorts. "Even Toby didn't like it. Well. Didn't like it that much."

"And by that I'm guessing you mean for once he wasn't squealing at every single scene," Lydia questions with a smile that looks almost fond.

"Yeah," Allison admits. "Although there was something up with him all day, actually."

Lydia pauses in her reading, looking uncharacteristically concerned. "Up?" she repeats softly.

"Yeah, up," Allison purses her lips and turns to face her best friend. "I don't know. He's hiding something. It's...I don't know."

"Why don't you just ask him about it?" Lydia cocks her head sideways.

"I did," Allison huffs a little in frustration. "He just...I don't know, he's got this way of deflecting things away from him and you only realise he's doing it when you think it over in your head afterwards. You know?"

"Yeah."

"I asked about his mom," Allison frowns. "He said she wasn't around. Like, as in, she'd left, or something."

"And?"

"I don't know," she says for what feels like the billionth time in only two minutes. "I feel like there's something else, but I didn't just want to ask him, especially when he'd said that."

"Maybe you should ask Daniel," Lydia suggests.

"Oh, because that would go down well," Allison scowls in response. "Hey Daniel, sorry I've been practically running away from you every time you're within a ten mile radius, but now that I've grown up enough to actually string together a coherent sentence when I'm talking to you, mind telling me what's up with your best friend? You know, the one whose house I keep going round to without him telling you why I'm there? By the way, me and him are barely friends; I just want to know what's up with him."

"Well, that's bullshit," Lydia snorts, returning to Bleak House, which is her regular winter re-read.  

"I kn – wait, which part?"

"We're barely friends," she replies in an imitation of Allison. "I think the fact that you're getting all hot and bothered about what's wrong with Toby proves otherwise."

"I just want to know," Allison frowns. "We are barely friends."

"Not true," Lydia turns the page, and Allison can hear the eye-roll in her voice. "And this isn't me being like you should totally sleep with him – even though I still think it wouldn't be a bad idea, by the way – Toby actually, like, cares about you. A lot. Like, when he sees you happy, it's like his entire life is five billion times better, or something." She pauses. "Not that that's not the same for pretty much everyone Toby knows, but whatever."

"Well, what do you suggest we are, O Wise Huntington Oracle?" Allison returns sharply, but Lydia's observation is already making her a little more thoughtful.

"I don't know," Lydia shrugs. She looks Allison in the eye for a few silent moments, then purses her lips, letting herself return to Bleak House. "You don't like him," she concludes in a thoughtful tone of voice.

"What? Of course I don't," Allison frowns in confusion. "I thought we'd covered that already."

"Hm, yes, but remember how long you spent telling me that you didn't like Daniel? And look where we are now."

"Shut up."

"Anyway. You don't like him. And he's trying his best not to like you, but whether that endeavour has actually been fruitful or not..."

Lydia trails off and Allison feels her cheeks warm slightly, but her nose wrinkles. "Lydia, Toby does not like me."

"Okay, sure, whatever. So, he's not your crush. You might be his, but since you turn a different colour and come up with a fascinating new expression to convey disgust every time I mention it, we'll gloss over that part. You've definitely passed the acquaintance region. So you are...friends."

Allison quirks a brow. "That's it? That's the result of your analysis?"

"It's accurate, isn't it?"

"I could've told you that already! I did tell you that already!"

"Barely friends is very different to friends. You throw in the quantifier and you've already got a whole load of implications and complications."

"This conversation is confusing me," Allison sighs.

"I'm just saying," Lydia rolls her eyes. "Toby might think you're heading more towards best friends territory than still lurking somewhere near classmates. Or whatever you're telling yourself you are in your head."

"God," Allison lets her head fall into her hands. "This is Toby."

"Yeah, this is Toby. Who has feelings, no matter how hard he tries to blur them all into one big image of constant optimism. You remember that, right? That other people have feelings? And don't hide from them like you do?"

"Yes, I remember that," Allison groans into her hands.

"Good," Lydia's voice sounds pleased. "Keep it in mind."

"You're so mean to me," Allison whines, dragging out the vowels.

"I'm honest," Lydia sounds vaguely amused. "Cruel to be kind, babe."

"Don't babe me."

"Whatever. Are we done with the deep talk for this month?"

"Yeah."

"Good."

"Lydia?"

"Hm?"

"I love you."

"I love you too. Babe."

"Don't babe me."

"Okay. Babe."

"Lydia."

✦

Allison is in the school library when she catches sight of Emmet sitting at a table with Daniel. Daniel, who she's pretty sure hasn't set foot in the library since freshman year.

Curious, she pauses her music and lets an earphone fall out of one of her ears, straining both to catch any slivers she can of their quiet conversation.

"So...x is seven?"

"No," Emmett corrects patiently. "y is seven. x is the hypotenuse, remember? So it has to be longer than y."

"Okay..." Allison sees Daniel's brows furrow and has to bite her lip to suppress a stupid smile from breaking out onto her face. "x is...fifteen point six?"

"Yeah," Emmett beams, and Allison eyes the expression curiously. Emmett isn't exactly a smiler – well, maybe she's being biased, because all she's seen of him recently is him interacting with Lydia, which isn't exactly a cause for happiness on his end – but when he does smile, he looks to Allison like he's the happiest person under the sun. "That's right."

"Awesome," Daniel grins right back, then glances back at the book between them. "You know, I, uh, kinda owe you for this..."

"Nah, you don't," Emmet shrugs. "It's cool." There's a brief pause, before Emmett checks his phone and says:  "Uh, you have practice, right?"

"Oh!" Daniel glances at his own phone screen and gets up abruptly. "Crap. I'm late. I should – I should go, before Coach cuts my balls off – "

Emmett chuckles, nodding. "Sure," he gives Daniel another smile, but Allison feels like it's already a lot less genuine than before. "We can go over reciprocals at yours next week?"

"Sounds good," Daniel shoulders his bag, looking almost apologetic. He opens his mouth to say something, but seems to think better of it. There's a pause that has even Allison shifting uncomfortably.

"Okay," Emmett nods, still trying for a smile. "Cool."

"Awesome."

"I mean, if you'd rather go to Starbucks, or mine, or something – "

"No, no," Daniel shakes his head. "Mine is good. Mine is great."

"Alright. Great. Um, see you then."

"Yeah! Uh, bye."

"Bye, Daniel."

Allison waits till Daniel has vacated the library, then moves towards the table that Emmett is sat at, where he's already brought out his own work and is now immersed in it.

"Hey," she says, a little hesitantly.

"Oh. Hey, Allison," Emmett looks up and offers her a small smile.

"Can I sit?"

"Sure," Emmett moves his books out of the way, and Allison sets her bag down on the table before seating herself next to him.

"So," she starts after a few minutes of comfortable silence. "I didn't know you and Daniel were, uh...friends."

"We're not," Emmett responds automatically, then frowns and shakes his head. "Sorry. I mean, we're not exactly. I'm, uh, tutoring him in Math."

"Mhm," Allison nods. "That's cool."

"Yeah," Emmett shifts a little, then his brows furrow.

"What's wrong?" Allison says immediately, looking at him.

"I don't know," he shakes his head. "I don't...I..."

"Emmett," Allison says steadily. "What's wrong?"

"I – "

"Okay, let's take this outside," Allison mutters, getting up and grabbing his arm, hauling him up with her. She leaves their bags there, keeping a steady grip on his arm as she steers him out of the building and only letting go once they're both standing outside the history building, leaning against the brick.

"Alright," she says finally. "Now what's wrong?"

"Just," Emmett exhales heavily, running a hand through his hair. "You ever feel like a total loser?"

Allison thinks about all the times Lydia's got a higher score on a test or looked better in the same dress and the rare times she's let it get to her. She thinks about how she didn't have many friends in middle school and she thinks about how she felt when her parents finalised their divorce. "Yeah, once or twice," she says, then pauses to look at him. "But you're not a loser," she says.

"Sure," Emmett snorts. "That's why Lydia can barely look at me whenever we have to work together and Daniel worries about even having to spend time with me in public."

"Hey," Allison says gently. "We both know that's not true. Daniel isn't that kind of person. If he was, you think he would've dated me for a year and a half?"

Emmett is silent.

"He's probably more embarrassed by the idea that he needs a math tutor," Allison continues. "And Lydia's, well, Lydia. When it comes to these things, she's a complete jerk. I know that's not even close to being an excuse, but..."

"I get it," Emmett shrugs. "I just. I don't know."

"Emmett," Allison looks at him seriously. "You are not a loser. You are, like, the least loser-ish person I know. And Lydia realises that. Which is why she's being a complete bitch."

"I don't follow."

"If Lydia really thought you were a loser, she wouldn't even give you the time of the day. She wouldn't even be bothering doing this project with you. She'd do it all herself and just hand it in under both your names without telling you."

"Okay..."

"So, there are three main reasons why Lydia treats you like she does. One, she's a bitch."

"Okay."

"Two: she sees you as a threat."

"A threat?" Emmett looks incredulous.

"Emmett, you and her are hands down the two smartest people in this school, including teachers. Yes, a threat."

"So what's the third reason?"

Allison smirks. "Oh, that'll become obvious. Eventually."

Emmett's cheeks colour slightly, but he still looks confused. "What?"

"Nothing," Allison sings. "But are we good?"

"We were never not good," Emmett replies quietly. "But, yeah. We are. I am."

"Good," Allison gives him a soft smile which he returns.  "We should probably head inside before some jerk takes our bags and puts them somewhere we won't find them."

Emmett chuckles. "Yeah. But Allison?"

"Mhm?"

"That thing you said about me and Lydia being the two smartest people in the school, that's bullshit."

"Emmett, it's not bullsh – "

"Yeah, it is," Emmett looks at her, then smiles and shakes his head. "You're smarter than both of us put together."

Allison opens her mouth to respond – to deny, actually, but the words get stuck in her throat and instead, she feels a warm feeling begin to blossom in her chest. "Thanks," she says, a little shakily.

"No problem," Emmett grins, and this time it's sincere – Allison feels the feeling in her chest increase. "Should we go, then?"

✦

01.23, Toby Martin: allison?? you up?

01.25, Allison Reed: Toby, if you're asking me to drive over and watch The Lion King with you in the dead of night, the answer is no.

01.26, Toby Martin: im not!

01.26, Allison Reed: Then what?

01.27, Toby Martin: i have a question

01.29, Toby Martin: allison?

01.30, Allison Reed: Yeah

01.30, Allison Reed: Go on, ask your question.

01.31, Toby Martin: are you mad at me?

01.31, Allison Reed: What?

 01.31, Allison Reed: Why would I be mad at you?

 01.32, Toby Martin: idk

 01.32, Toby Martin: just checking

 01.34, Allison Reed: Go to bed, Toby.

 01.34, Toby Martin: can't

 01.34, Allison Reed: Why not?

 01.35, Toby Martin: can't sleep

 01.36, Toby Martin: same like you, right?

 01.36, Toby Martin: insomnia, kinda

 01.38, Allison Reed: I'm not an insomniac.

01.38, Toby Martin: yeah, i know

 01.38, Toby Martin: you just find it hard to sleep sometimes

 01.39, Toby Martin: *?

 01.40, Allison Reed: I guess.

 01.41, Allison Reed: You do too.

 01.42, Toby Martin: yeah

 01.44, Toby Martin: hey, allison, you know we're friends

 01.44, Toby Martin: *right?

 01.45, Allison Reed: Yeah, I know.

01.45, Allison Reed: What brought this on?

 01.46, Toby Martin: idk, nothing in particular

 01.46, Toby Martin: just something you mentioned when you were at mine

 01.47, Allison Reed: We're friends.

 01.48, Toby Martin: good :)

 01.49, Toby Martin: hey, wanna play a game?

 01.49, Allison Reed: That sounds extremely inappropriate.

 01.49, Allison Reed: And not really.

 01.49, Toby Martin: awww cmooooon

 01.49, Toby Martin: pleaaaaaaaseeeee

 01.50, Toby Martin: for me??

 01.50, Toby Martin: it's not like you're doing anything better...

 01.51, Allison Reed: How would you know? I could be having super hot sex right now.

 01.52, Toby Martin: sex so hot that you feel the need to text me while you're having it??

 01.52, Toby Martin: although i can see why you would think of me ;)))

 01.53, Allison Reed: You disgust me.

 01.53, Toby Martin: i'm sorry

 01.53, Toby Martin: can we play guess who?? or 20 questions??

 01.54, Toby Martin: PLEASE

 01.54, Allison Reed: Jesus Christ, fine.

 01.54, Toby Martin: YEAH okay okay omg i'll go first i've thought of someone now you ask me questions

 01.54, Allison Reed: I can't believe I'm doing this.

 01.55, Toby Martin: ask me questions!!

 01.55, Allison Reed: Fine.

 01.55, Allison Reed: Are you dead?

 01.55, Toby Martin: yes

 01.56, Allison Reed: You're Erik, aren't you?

 01.56, Toby Martin: HOW DID YOU GUESS

 01.56, Allison Reed: Maybe it was that we literally just watched the Phantom of the Opera last week. Or that you are one of the most predictable people under the sun. You know. One of the two.

 01.57, Toby Martin: fine

 01.57, Toby Martin: your go!!

 01.58, Allison Reed: Are you serious?

 01.58, Toby Martin: YES

 01.59, Toby Martin: you know you want toooooo

 01.59, Allison Reed: For fuck's sake

 01.59, Toby Martin: okay have you thought of someone

02.00, Allison Reed: Yes, I've fucking thought of someone. Go on and ask me questions.

____________________________________________________________________

a/n: over a month after my last update but hey ho here i am!! this got a bit feelsy omfg the whole subplot with daniel and emmett has kind of just come from nowhere but idk i think i like it

anyway please drop me a comment to tell me what you think! you know i love hearing from ya

- mariam