Trigger warning!

Jay frowned as (y/n) left. He didn't want her to leave. He didn't want her to slip from his fingertips once again, but she did. He let her leave without a word out of his mouth.

He stared at his bleeding, scarred wrists. Lips once touched those self inflicted wounds. Her lips, the woman he cared about so deeply. He wished those lips could be placed upon his. Those fingers entangled in his hair. Her lips hungrily moving against his. Her tender cheek on his hand. Her body pressed against his.

Passion, love, laughs, unity.

He would give her everything, spend every minute with her, sacrifice everything for her, but without her in the picture the only thing he could think was to sacrifice was himself.  Without her he was lost. Without her he didn't find happiness. Without her nothing seemed right. Without her he had no motivation. Without her he was nothing.

She was gone. She was what made him feel loved. She was his life, his light. Her words always seemed to be his motivation. They rang through his thoughts as if they were his favorite song.

"Take a shower, wash off this day. Drink a glass of water. Make the room dark. Lie down and close your eyes. Notice the silence. Notice your heart. Notice it's still beating still fighting. Don't let it stop. You made it, after all. You made it, another day. And you can make it one more. You are doing just fine."

He knew she didn't understand. She was smart, but not smart enough. His problems were deeper then self harm. His thoughts were worse then just wanting to hurt himself.

Monsters. They were escaping him. They were letting themselves free. They were taking over. They were controlling him. Jay let them. He had no motivation. He made no effort. He knew, oh how he knew that the monsters were right, if only (y/n) knew. If only she understood these monsters intent. If only she didn't leave. If only she stayed. If only she had waited for him to come to his senses. He wouldn't have let his demons win. He wouldn't have sank to his demise and believe that it was ok. He wouldn't believe that he was worthless.

Yet, if only he knew how much she still cared for him. If only Jay knew, how much she considered breaking up with Lloyd and parading into Jay's arms for a hopeful happy ending. If only he knew that she never wanted to leave him, she never wanted to let him go.
If only he knew his worth. If only he told her how he felt, she would gladly accept his feelings pouring out hers into his heart.

If only they both tried harder. If only they didn't push each other away. If only they hadn't let one another fade away without a word to be spoken. If only the fought for their love. If only they both didn't let the love fall out, but fall together. If only they picked up each other broken pieces. If only they were more focused. If only there was effort sooner. If only Jay didn't let her go. If only (y/n) opened her eyes to Jay's eternal affection sooner.

Maybe Jay wouldn't be there standing on a bridge. Maybe he wouldn't be contemplating his life. Maybe he wouldn't be there staring at the water ignoring all they questioning people. Maybe he wouldn't be there with one foot off the bridge. Maybe he wouldn't be there ready to jump. Maybe he'd think he wasn't worthless. Maybe he would have his confidence.

But no. All of that was gone. He was standing at that bridge. No one knew, but he didn't want them too. He looked out at the river rushing below. He saw his sorry little life flash before his eyes, only making him want to jump more. He wished to end it. He wanted to let the monsters win.

There was always two things to life that were always on his mind. Staying alive and being alive. Sure they were two different things, but he was only ever good at one of those.

Jay knew what he was going to do. It was over. He was over. He picked up his left foot carefully drifting it over the edge.

Maybe if things were different, the life wouldn't have left his eyes.

No this is not the end. I repeat. THIS. IS. NOT. THE. END. But I hope you enjoyed this emotional rollarcoaster. I'm really proud of this chapter and how it came out.
NEXT I'LL BE UPDATING:
Rise of The Spidri
Hopefully this week so keep a look out. And when I update that I will tell you what I will be updating next at the end of the chapter in Rise of The Spidri!

Anyway I love you all! Thank you for your kind words and support

-Lila