Present Day

I've had Lauryn Hill's "I Gotta Find Peace of Mind" on repeat all day. Just like Mama, all those years ago, I've been thinking heavily about my life and the direction it's going in.

The doorbell rings. I open the door and walk away, letting Phoenix in. He sits on the couch. I sit on the recliner, putting distance between us. I want to see his face and look straight into his eyes when I talk to him.

"You're late," I tell him coldly. I've been sitting, stewing in the truth of his lies all day. My patience is worn thin and my self-restraint is non-existent.

"I had to make a few stops before coming by." He frowns.

"I'm sure you did."

"What's going on here? I thought we were good?"

"We were. Until you lied," I blurt out, without a second thought.

"What did I do now?" he asks exasperated, throwing his hands up.

"It's more like, what didn't you do." I throw the divorce decree printout at him. "Forgery is a crime you know."

He looks at the printout and laughs uncomfortably. "OK." He loosens his collar and gets quiet. "Look, I was just trying to please you. Ari, I love you, but you are fucking crazy. You're fact-checking me now?" He crumbles the printout and throws it across the room.

"Says the guy who created fake divorce documents! Really? I've never seen anyone take it that far! You have some nerve, Phoenix. The lies just keep coming. When aren't you lying? You're a compulsive liar, aren't you? Go ahead and just admit it. You are, aren't you?"

He stares at me blankly.

"Well, say something! Do you care anything about me? What is this? At least if you told me the truth I'd have a choice. I'd know what this is! You're so much of a control freak you don't even want me to know what I'm in!"

"What you're in?"

"Yes, Phoenix! You're MARRIED and I swore I'd never be one of those girls but you made me one of them, you fucking asshole! You're MARRIED for Christ sake! What do I do with that?" I cover my face in shame and cradle my head in my hands.

"I'm sorry. For lying. For everything. Don't. Please. Don't do that. Don't cry, babe." His eyes are heavy and remorseful. "I love you, Ari. With all my heart! Listen, Nora and I haven't been together in years. It's a marriage of convenience and nothing more. Think about it, I had a girlfriend and you met her, at the club. Remember Kim? We were together for three years. Three! That's how long it's been over between me and Nora."

He's right. He and Kim were an item, long before I ever knew anything about Nora.

How can you say that after all the lies?

I'm pregnant. That's how.

"OK. You're right." I sniffle, wiping my eyes. "You and Kim were together. So, why oh, why aren't you divorced yet? How long does it take? I mean, have you even filed the paperwork yet?"

He looks away, quickly.

Are you really thinking of giving him another chance? Wake up! He's damaged goods, girl.

But I need him. We need him to be there. Me and the baby.

"We have the girls, Ari. It's hard. Nora and I live separate lives. She has her own home and everything. We have an arrangement . . . and it works. Boarding school was our way of shielding the girls from the split. When they come home, we spend what little time we have with them . . . together . . . as a family and I can't mess that up. I don't want to hurt my little girls. I can't take them through a divorce!" He shakes his head vehemently like it's a line he won't cross. "I know what that's like. I've been through it. Divorce changes a kid forever." An expression I've never seen before flashes across his face. The years leave and his eyes grow wide and wild with fear. He's like a wounded little boy fearful of facing the monster that once destroyed him.

This is impossible. His ties to Nora run deep. Will he ever get divorced? Will he ever fully commit?

I envy that and at the same time, in a weird way, I also understand. It makes sense now. He makes sense. The lies, the deception, all of it. As backwards as his actions have been, he's trying to protect his kids, his family. I kind of respect that. I probably would've done the same if I were in his shoes.

But the stakes have changed, and he doesn't know it. This is more than just a new relationship and hurt feelings. It's my child. Our child. Our family.

Tell him! 

Tell him! Now!

There's a flutter in my chest. I can forgive him if he can accept this. "You love your girls, right? And you're such a good father. Well . . . ." I pause trying to think of the best way to say it. ". . . now you'll have three." My heart's about to leap out of my throat. I gulp to keep it down and wait for him to catch up to me.

"What?" He looks as if he's totally caught off guard. "What are you talking about? Three?"

I swallow. "You know. Maybe a little boy or a little girl," I tell him softly. Getting up from the recliner, I slowly approach him, wanting so badly for him to accept this. I finally accept me. Exactly the way I am. I love me, pregnant and all. Why can't he? "You can't overwrite it and you can't lie about it. It's here." I touch my belly and gaze at him with pleading eyes.

He leans back on the couch. "A kid? Wait a minute? You're telling me you're pregnant?"

"Yes." I nod. "That's what I'm telling you. I'm pregnant. So, what are you gonna do, Phoenix? What are you gonna do? Huh?" The fear of rejection sits in the pit of my stomach. Regardless of all the scathing lies, I've uncovered, I need to know if he'll be here because regardless of what's happened, I need him. This baby needs him and I refuse to repeat my childhood.

"Wow! I don't know." He pauses. "I don't know. Let me think." He rubs his forehead. He stands up and walks past me to the kitchen. He opens the fridge, stands there for a moment and grabs a bottle of water. Then, like a man dying of thirst in the desert, he hurriedly opens the bottle and chugs it until it's empty.

Not the response I was hoping for. He's running in place. "Yes, it's yours." The pain of rejection forces my hand. "You can't stay married to her and have me, Phoenix! I refuse to live like that!"

Family over everything, remember? Sacrifice anything. Everything!

Family over everything, at what cost? My sanity? My happiness? This baby's life? Then there is no family. I'd rather walk away. Look at what happened to Aya. That will not be me. What I want matters. I matter, too.

You can't have it all. Look at his reaction.

So be it!

He turns around slowly as if still lost in thought.

I'm worried.

He looks around the kitchen for a long time.

Anxiety begins gnawing at my nerves.

He looks at the empty fish tank and stares into the depths of the water. Then he comes back to the living room. "I'm sorry, babe." He looks at me pleadingly. "My girls —"

"— Get out!" I point to the door trying to keep myself from breaking down. "Leave! Now Phoenix!" I yell. Why did I just do that? With pain welling up in his eyes, he leaps for the door, opens it and walks out, leaving it open. I hear his car start and jerk off the curb as he speeds off, burning rubber on pavement.

I can't believe it! I'm in a full-blown panic, gasping for air. He didn't even fight for me. "Oh God! Oh God. Oh God. I've lost him. He's gone! He's abandoned the building! Just like my father!"

My heart plummets as I sink into the couch. Against my will, I'm her. I'm that five-year-old girl.

It's happening.

Again.

Walls close in on me. I'll never outgrow her! I'll never escape her!

And like a baby, I hear the cry. A long, deep wail, leaping out of my own throat. It sounds as if it's coming from someone else in some distant place. This will break me.

Why am I not good enough?

Why won't they stay?

Why won't he stay?

What's wrong with me?

What don't I know?

What can't I see?

How strong do I have to be?

How much pain do I have to absorb?

Why do I keep losing like this?

Why God? Why?

Tears swell and drop in fat, heavy droplets.

He's gone.

It's all come crashing down.

Time seems to pass slowly as I sit, swirling. These thoughts surround me on all sides, spiraling me further down into the pit. They're as real and as solid as my flesh. I can't escape them, and I don't have the energy to anymore. I've been fighting against this realization my entire life.

But I can't deny it any longer.

It must be true.

I am not enough.

That's it. Pure and simple.

I'm not good enough to hold onto anything worth holding on to.

It's true.

It has to be. Otherwise this wouldn't be.

It's incredibly dark down here. Like ink spilling on white canvas, the darkness is invasive, consuming me, eating away at the light I've fought so hard for so long to preserve. I feel it. Spreading.

Tears roll freely down my cheeks. They won't stop. I allow myself to mourn the loss . . . of myself.

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Day fades into night, engulfing everything in the comfort of its depths. This darkness is my friend. It's filled me up. Covered me. It is me. I accept it. The tears have lost their purpose. I stare into nothingness with dry eyes, listening to the sounds of the city as they invade my living room. The front door remains as unclosed as it was when Phoenix first walked out.

A slight, unexpected flutter in the pit of my belly makes me keenly aware of the tiny seed growing inside me. A tiny pinpoint of light. The reminder causes my heart to bolt into action. I have more than myself to worry about. I can't let the darkness smother her. What was I thinking? It can have me. Not her.

If it has you, it has her too.

I can't let that happen. I won't. She needs me.

The pinpoint of light seems to grow stronger, spread wider. She's my saving grace. How ironic. She's the one renewing me. I have to be more for her.

I am enough.

I'm enough for her.

And I'm enough for me.

She's someone worth having.

I am worthy of having someone that's worth having.

I know she'll stay.

And I'll stay for her.

I know what I have to do.

I don't have to wait for him and I can finally stop waiting for my father. We can be a family without Phoenix. Just as me, Mama, and Mia are a family without my father, Tristan. We'll carry on without him.

I rub my belly totally and completely in love. For the first time in my life, my love originates within me. Not outside myself. I can't love her without first loving myself. If she is to survive, I must put myself first for once in my life. No man comes before me. No man is more important than me, to me. I can no longer sacrifice myself or my happiness to win someone else over. It never worked. It never will. I have her to think about now. She is what matters and by extension that means me. We are one. We — are family and family is over everything.

After all these years, I see it clearly. I do have a choice in the matter and I always had, I just didn't know it. I was blinded by my need to be loved by someone else, namely to be loved by Tristan. I was so headstrong in my pursuit of his affection, it prevented me from ever truly learning to love and cherish myself. All these years lost. All this time wasted pursuing an unattainable goal.

Because who can love you, if you don't love yourself?

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A/N: Hey Lovers! Aria has had tumultuous relationships, one after the other. Why do you think she chose the lovers she's chosen? Please Vote, Comment and let me know how you feel! I appreciate you!