Chapter 21: Sage

Omg I am SOOOO sorry about the super long wait T-T
I was super busy and totally forgot about it, and the only time I had to write was at night but I was always so tired I just couldn't. But I'm here now so that's what counts. At least you'll get a new chapter in only like three days at least.

But anyways, here we goooo~

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He lets out a short but agonized scream, his hands raking through his long hair. He clenches and unclenches his fists, breathing heavily. Soon, he moves towards a tree stump. He kicks it, over and over and over. Fat tears roll down his cheeks as he pounds the wood with his full-force. He kicks for so long I think it might never stop. Then, finally, he pauses, his breathing labored as sweat pours down his face. He breathes deeply and lets loose another blood curdling scream of pain and anger. He crumbles in on himself, dropping to his knees.

Another man walks towards him, his hair white and pants orange. The man crouches next to him, his voice loud in the now silent forest. "Liam is everything-" He pauses as his friend crumbles into him, sobbing uncontrollably.

I gasp as I'm brought back from the scene and back into my own body. I'm staring down at my knee-high boots, my hands settled in my lap. It takes me a moment to realize I'm shaking, tears streaking down my own cheeks. A warm hand is placed at my elbow that makes me jump. I look up and sigh with relief when I meet his face.

Lance pulls me into him and I wrap my arms around his waist tight. I squeeze my eyes shut as more tears come. I try to focus on his breathing, the rise and fall of his chest. His heartbeat, the steady thumping in my ear. The way his jacket feels. The cool leather caressing my face.

Oh Liam…my sweet Muffin. What have I done to you?

"I told you you wouldn't like it." His voice rumbles in my ear. I slowly pull away, wiping my eyes as I do.

"It hurt. Seeing him like that. But I'm glad I did. I wanted to see him." I look up at him, meeting his concerned gray eyes. "Is that really happening right now?" My throat constricts. Is Liam really going through that? Is he really in that much pain?

"Yes," His voice is soft as he answers. "It is. But you don't need to worry. He's not alone." He tries for a smile, and his attempt makes me smile as well. I can't help it.

"Is that how you've been spying on me all these years?" I ask with a laugh, wiping my nose on the back of my hand.

"Ha, it sounds kinda creepy but yeah." He scratches the back of his neck. "Sometimes I would check in on you only to find you changing or bathing" his cheeks are red hot as his eyes go wide.

"I would look away immediately! It's not like I watched or anything!" He tries to explain, the tips of his ears red hot. I burst out laughing, unable to contain myself.

"Are you serious?! That's amazing!" I barely make out, trying to catch my breath. He chuckles, smiling warmly at me. I finally calm down, settling my giggles. He stares at me, his gaze loving but…guilty?

"But other times…I would see some things that made me sad. That hurt. Like how you saw Liam just now. I would see you having breakdowns and panic attacks with no one there for you. It would just be you, curled up in your room for hours on end with no one there to calm you. Or hold your hand. Or whisper that you're gonna be ok. I wanted to be that for you so badly. But I couldn't." His voice is tight with emotion as he takes my hand. He runs his fingers over my calluses, his eyes not meeting mine.

He saw those? He saw me during those moments? Did he see that time with Ivar? What did he think? Oh goddesses did he see that one panic attack I had where I screamed his name over and over? Oh the things he must have felt…

"I'm sorry." I whisper, staring at our hands. His eyes immediately snap up, looking straight at me.

"Don't." He says in a final way. "It wasn't your fault in the slightest. If anything I should be saying sorry to you for the things you had to feel and go through and relive." He squeezes my hand. "Don't ever apologize for having trauma."

I don't say anything more, just crawl forward and sit against him. I sit facing him, my arms squeezing his waist as he rubs my back. His chin sits on top of my head, and my cheek presses into his collarbone. We sit in comfortable silence for what seemed like forever, no words needing to be spoken. We just exist as wordless support for one another, assisting in our own mental battles. We sit for so long I forget what it ever felt like to not be in his arms, his breathing steady and his heartbeat echoing in my ears. But eventually, the peace is broken.

"Sage?" He asks.

"Hmm?" I acknowledge, my eyes closed.

"I…I need to tell you something." The tone of his voice gives me pause, and reluctantly I pull back so I can see his face. Immediately I wish I could go back.

"What is it?" I ask instead, staring into those swirling stormy eyes.

"I-I want to…I want to be reincarnated." He says simply, his eyes falling to his hands. I sit in shocked silence for a few moments before finding my voice.

"What?" I manage to choke out.

"I know it sounds bad but I promise I have a reason for it. A valid one." I trys. When I don't answer he continues. 

"When you get cured," the way he says it with such confidence gives me the tiniest bit of hope. "You're gonna go back to the living and I'll go back to the Land of Kismed. Heaven." He says.

"So what?" I say, not trusting myself to say anything more.

"So, once you go back to living you're going to be for a while. It's going to be decades before you die. I'm sure of it. And Sage, it's only been six years and I am already so…tired. Others I've met have been waiting for a loved one for close to a century, and I just can't. I barely survived six years, so how can I survive sixty?" His voice is wavering and unsure. I just stare at him, unable to form a response. So he pushes on.

"Reincarnation just seems like the most logical answer. And I know what you're thinking, but it doesn't work how you think it does. I've talked to Kismed, and she says that in some cases she makes special accommodations for her closest and most trusted dead. Basically, that means that my reincarnation would be a lottery. Normally you get turned into a baby and you start life over again. But I could be different. There's a chance I could come back as a baby, but I could also come back as a teenager. Or a middle aged man. Or an old woman who's gonna die in a few years anyway."

"So what are you saying?" I ask.

"What I'm saying is, if I reincarnate I could come back and see you. Sure, I wouldn't have any memories of this life, but even if I'm returning to Eladea as a completely different person, a new mind and a new body, I'd find you. I know it in my soul. Somehow, someway, I'll find you." He finishes.

I open my mouth and close it again, unsure of what to say. He just stares at me with those big, soft eyes that I love so dearly. Would those change? If he went back, would I no longer be looking into those swirling gray eyes but instead blue ones? Or green? Or brown? Would those eyes that are so familiar to me be foreign? Would he be a stranger? He says he'll find me, but is it worth it if he won't be the man I love? Or will he?

I sigh, taming his hand and looking up at him, taking in those beautiful eyes, soft freckles, dark stubble, unkempt hair, pierced ears and handsome face. Because in time those familiar features won't be familiar anymore. They'll be replaced, gone, lost in time.

"If you think this is right, Lance, then do it. I'm not going to stop you. I want you to be happy. Even if you're not going to be you anymore." My face is upbeat but my voice is sad. How can I go on knowing that he won't be waiting here for me? How will I sensibly be able to function knowing that he'll be out there, somewhere, disguised as any other person.

"Thank you Green Girl."

"But are you really ready to give up on who you are? This you, right now? The you will all the memories, all the history?"

"Yes, Sage. I'm ready." He runs a thumb over my cheek, gently caressing my face. "Kira wants to as well. She died so young, she believes she deserves another chance at life. Though I fear she won't get the same privileges I will get." I lean into his touch, savoring the feel of his skin on mine.

"So she'll come back as a baby, whereas you'll come back as any age, any gender, any person?" I ask. He nods.

"Well, if you're so adamant that you'll find me in your next life, what's to stop you from finding her?" I ask. He pauses.

"Nothing." A small smile spreads into a grin as he looks at me. I can't help but smile with him as he leans down to kiss me. I can't get over how our lips seem to perfectly lock together, as if they were always meant to. Will it change when he becomes someone new?

I breathe a sigh, with it floating all my doubts and bad thoughts. I can't think about all that right now. That's just wasted time. All that needs to be thought about is him. Only him.

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Word count: 1715

Again, sorry for the horribly long wait. I feel so bad.

Annnyyywaayyy, how'd we like the chap? I know it was a little short but I like it. I've been looking forward to this one for a while :3
Thoughts? How do we feel about Lance's choice? I looove to hear em!

Cya…in a few days???