☆☆☆ Chapter 64 ☆☆☆

Ego Death ?

After the thousand steps I had to take to get to the top, I stood for a moment to take it in── the view in front of me, that is. I never stopped to admire it all before. As soon as I started working as a maid, much of the things in the Campbell residence became nothing but background noise for others to chat with me about, and even then, I never gave much attention to the people that talked about it in the first place. They were all just background extras in the movie I starred and directed in. I never valued them, just like the things in front of me. Like, say, the front doors. My god, were they ginormous; double my height. And gorgeous── it had a highly detailed geometric design that bled onto the tempered frosted glass in the middle, and the shine of the brown-ish metal it was made of made the design stand out from a distance. It was almost as if the door itself welcomed guests, hosted them, rather than the staff within. A pot rested on each side of the three gorgeous sets of double doors. All had tall skinny trees in the best of conditions.

An old-looking doorbell engraved with the family name of the residence eyed me from a corner. That was my signal to actually go inside── the doors couldn't wait to welcome me. It had been quite a while since the last time I'd come in. They wanted to catch up with me.

I reached for my handbag and dug around for the keys. I didn't need to use the doorbell, so long as the keys were still on me somewhere. Hopefully I didn't leave them at home.

When I realized that my light digging didn't work, I put down the other bag I had on me; my tote bag, and slid the handbag off my arm. I turned it upside down, directly on the leveled (marble-ish?) ground, and lifted it with a hand so that all of the contents could spill out. If I looked hard enough, I was sure I would find it. Er, hopefully.

The door closest to me suddenly opened, and out peeked a maid's head. "Hello Ane, good to see you again. Come on in."

"Uh, yeah, same here, thanks," I said. I picked up all of my things and rushed my way inside.

I worked as a maid at the Campbell residence for a month shy of a year and I didn't know her name.

I could hardly recognize her face.

She knew my name. She knew me, period. It couldn't have been any more awkward than that.

Inside, I came across other maids and manservants that I didn't know, who also recognized me and welcomed me back. I smiled and waved at them all, but kept going forward. I had a purpose for coming to the residence, one greater than casual meet-ups with barely-familiar strangers and pointless chatter. I could do that after my task is completed── I could try and burn their faces and names into my memories, so that whenever we passed by each other in town, I could actually be a decent person for once.

I also came across the matriarch of the Campbells, who hugged me tight, kissed me on the cheek, then got me up to date with all that was happening. Oh, Jordan left again── permanent this time? Oh, no, that's terrible! You're angry at him? Oh, yes, yes, rightfully so. You're staying here? No more vacation? No? I see, you want to meet Hilery's son── ah, yes, excuse me, your grandson. You're going with Hilery? Okay, understandable. Nobody showed up last week for Thanksgiving? Only you? Wow, I don't know what to say, I wonder why... Jade escaped out of the local hospital? It's been months and she still can't be found? Oh my, unbelievable! Oh, I see, Joel wants to stay here for a while. He likes the classes here and has things to do? Good for him, good for him. Oh, Daniel? Really? Wow, yeah, I still can't believe he doesn't want to be a part of the winery...

Business as usual at the Campbell residence.

I didn't really want to think about it much. There was always something going on with them, and I no longer wanted to be a part of it. I couldn't. But thinking about not wanting it was much easier than actually acting on it, especially when the man I will always love was one of them.

I clutched onto the cool ruby on my collarbone as I walked into his study room.

The first thing my eyes landed on was his handsome, beautiful self. My knees grew weak at the sight.

His back faced me── he was looking ahead, leaning forward on his desk. Both arms were on it, supporting him. He had a nice plain green short-sleeved shirt on, with dark brown suspenders that matched his shoes and shook when he laughed. A knitted beanie made of wool clung to his golden locks, which seemed to have no trace of the spikes I'd come to know intimately, down to the gel he used for their shape. That was progress. I loved it. He never needed gel. I never understood why he used it. I never will.

Music played in the background, soft but clear, from somewhere in the room. No one sang. Only instruments did, and it wasn't the type I was familiar with; it wasn't a classic in any way. Violins, pianos, flutes, and other instruments I couldn't name played together to form something strangely soothing. Somehow, it made his figure look all the more wonderful.

It had been so long since I'd seen him that I wanted to run into his arms and squeeze the living daylights out of him and cry.

Cry all over him, drown him in all my love and kisses.

But I bottled it all in. Caged away the feelings I knew could hurt us both again.

"Daniel," I said. His head immediately jerked in my direction. His priceless emeralds twinkled at the sight of me.

"Ane!"

Like a puppy with their Master, he sprinted his way to me.

The moment he moved away from his desk I noticed Roger across from where Daniel once was, sitting on Daniel's chair, folding his hands together on top of an open book. His head cocked over to one side when we happened to make eye contact. I couldn't read them, but it's not like I had enough time to do so anyways. Daniel had reached me by then.

"I missed you," my puppy cried, out of breath. He rushed to cup my cheeks but then recoiled and played with his hands instead. He was too excited and obviously didn't know what to do with them.

I know that he would've loved to just run into my arms and squeeze me the same way I wanted to do to him, but I made sure to tell him not to do that over the phone for whenever we happened to see each other again, with the one call or interaction we've had in the past eternity.

I just know that I would've snapped had he ended up hugging me. My resolve to do what's necessary would've crumbled. I would've let my heart take over. Squeeze him back, kiss him, take him, marry him, bear his children and grow old together. Push him around, yell at him, make him cry. Hurt us both all over again.

I took in the deepest breath my lungs have ever taken and prepared myself for the worst of heartbreaks.

"Daniel," I began, as a needle of concentrated pain pinched my lungs and forced air out of me. "I── " My heart wanted to scream along, but I ignored it. Or did my best to do so, because what I wanted to do was for the better. We were good for each other in many ways. The love was deep, the bond was lovely, but I also hurt him. I also hurt me. And everyone around us. But more than anything, we each have our own things to deal with, things we couldn't enable ourselves to continue. Not anymore. It's not going to help us as much as we idealized, if at all. So I needed to be strong, I needed to be strong... "I love you."

There. I said it. I finally said it.

"You love me?" he squeaked. As soon as I nodded he slapped a hand over his open mouth and dropped to the floor.

"I love you," I repeated. "I love you with all my heart." I kneeled. Held my game face together. Put my hands on his shoulders. Rubbed them with my thumbs. Hoped that I wouldn't pick up on the sweet scent of his shampoo from where I was. "But this, what we are, what we have, isn't healthy."

I swallowed back all that wanted to leave me and wasn't air. Waited for my heart and lungs to settle down a bit, before I continued. For the tip of my nose to not burn. For my vision to not fail on me. I didn't practice all these words in front of my sister's mirror for days on end for me to spit on them and fall apart in front of him. I didn't. I told myself I wouldn't. Couldn't. "I'm not coming back. I need time for me, and so do you. And I mean it. This is what's best for us. So please. Don't leave flowers by my window, or notes, or... anything. Use this time for yourself. I'll do the same. I want us to be fine. We can't keep on overlooking what we do to ourselves and to each other. Our love is blinding," I beautifully said, but somehow, by then, a hand of mine had long trailed up to his cheeks, caressed them the way he loved to do to me and my scars. "And it needs to stop."

In what was almost complete silence, we stared into each other's eyes. His were wide, intense. Their black middles were deeper and darker than any hole I'd ever seen, and the more they expanded, the more I wanted to kiss him. Hold him and take back all I had said. Say that I was sorry.

It's not fair. I stuffed too many feelings in him, I know. Too many feelings to process all at once, feelings that could be right in the middle of crushing his small beautiful, handsome self. I know.

It hurts. I know.

One thing I didn't know was why random words wanted to leave me. Words that crushed me slightly more than I could handle, words I didn't practice in front of the mirror, words that were scared by Daniel's complete and utter lack of response, and grabbed me by the throat and refused to be swallowed down. Words that didn't make sense, but did, and somehow wanted to push things too far──

"I need to be held responsible for my actions and you don't, uh── you've done a lot for me── you've helped me so much and I'm forever grateful a-and even though I don't know where he is and I'm scared I think I can manage── and Dr. Connor is honestly really nice── and m-my parents── "

"Okay."

" ──this is what's best for us── "

Daniel closed his eyes, ended our eye contact. His warm hand slid up to mine and rested over it for a moment. He then squeezed it and brought it to his lips for a soft, gentle kiss that stopped me from breathing altogether.

"Okay," he muttered on it and all the scars by the wrists, before letting it go. I held my hand, but quickly brought it up to my lips. I let a sniffle escape me. "I understand."

Neither of us spoke for a while after that, but we didn't have to. Not like we had anything else to say. Our pained faces were doing that job on their own, anyways.

The moment Daniel stood up and was back on his feet again, the flute playing in the background began its solo.

The moment Daniel's back faced me, I let a stray tear drop down to my chest.

He walked over to his desk and pushed the now-empty chair behind it. He then cocked his head to the side and pulled a drawer. The motion made his beanie fall to the floor but he ignored it. He took a large box out of the drawer, pulled his soft Campbell hair back, and smoothly wiped an eye. He picked a fresh rose from a nearby vase and tucked its wet stem somewhere in between the workings of the fine ribbon on the box.

"Here," he said once he came back to me. "Your birthday gift."

"I... I can't accept it── "

"I made it just for you, my love," he squeaked. "Please. My, my last... gift to you."

"I didn't even get anything for yours── "

Daniel turned his head away. "You never had to give me anything. Never. I am happy just standing by your side. Was. I am nothing but a simple man." Was.

I took the box from his hands, and in turn, made him grab the tote bag I had. "All the uniforms."

I lied.

Well, half-lied. The elegant dress he made for me was in the bag, too. I couldn't keep it. I didn't have it in me to keep it. The letter that came with it so long ago was more than enough. Anything more than that, and I'll never be able to let him go. I'll break. Maybe. Who knows?

I held the box tight as he reached for my cheek. He never got to it, though. He brought it back up to his hair and let out a broken giggle. The coolness of the ruby on my collarbone had never felt so achingly cold until then. For a second, I could've even sworn I was frostbitten.

I made sure to burn the soft glow of his Campbell-green eyes into my memory before I turned my back on him and left the room.

When the doors closed behind me, I immediately felt the weight of what I had done on my shoulders. My arms couldn't lift the box anymore, and everything in me fell apart. Or rather, I thought so. Somehow, I was aware of my surroundings just enough to notice Roger across from me again, this time leaning against the railing that kept him from dropping to the first floor.

"You've gone and done it," he said.

"I've gone and done it," I cried into my hands.

I let a few good, quick sobs leave out of my system before I picked myself back up to go home. I wiped my eyes and nose, then stared at the box. It had a beautiful design, with several shades of my favorite color and everything. Daniel knew me well, even more so now than he ever had known before I worked for him as his maid. Maybe, just maybe, whatever was in that box would hurt all the more to see, to feel, to smell, after all was said and done. Too many feelings. It wouldn't help me in any way, would it?

Neither would the ruby. I'm not his fiancée. I'm not his wife. And never will I... ?

I swallowed hard and tugged at the chilly necklace. "I can't keep these things," I mumbled. "Give them back to him."

"Yes you can." I looked up to meet Roger's unreadable eyes. "And yes you will. Because you're not going to make things any more difficult for either of you."

It took me a while to nod because I was too busy holding back another good sob at the back of my throat, but once I finally got to it, I put my game face back on. I knew it would only last a couple of seconds, but those seconds were all I needed at that moment.

"Fine," I said. "But can you do me a favor?" I tried to wait for a response, but quickly changed my mind. I couldn't wait for one. I already felt cracks forming on my game face. "Make sure he stays far away from me."

"It would be my pleasure," he replied. "I never liked what he did, and I never liked you."

At almost the same time, the doors of the study room cracked open and out came a desperate Daniel.

He rushed his way to me and stopped short of touching my cheeks once he got to me, but the moment we made eye contact and his light eyebrows furrowed, both of his hands clasped my cheeks and brought my forehead down to his own. I leaned forward for a kiss, ignoring everything that wasn't in my heart, ready to melt away on his lips── I was simply too close to resist at that point. But then the look in my dark eyes from a mirror I had stared into less than an hour ago punched me right in the gut and stopped me just in time.

It's over. It's for the best.

"I love you too," Daniel cried. "I love you with all my heart, my soul, my body."

I let myself breathe in silence as I counted up to ten a couple of times, to calm myself down as much as possible, before doing the same thing he'd done with me in his study room; I put my hands on his, squeezed them. Kissed them. Then, put them down. Let them go.

I said my final goodbyes after that, and turned my back on him. I didn't let myself slow down my pace or look over my shoulder as I left Daniel and his love and home behind. I looked straight ahead, kept my chin up, and thought about the lunch Mom was in the middle of preparing when I left. The appointment I have with Dr. Connor at three o'clock. The comfort I found under the blanket Teresa shared with me the other night. The way Dad held me when I broke down in tears from an awful memory. Of all the demons that live beneath my skin and take over me when left to their own devices. Demons I'll be facing head-on for the rest of my life. Demons I now have all the time in the world for.

☆☆☆

I arrived to a warm, cozy home, one where sunlight waltzed in from the open windows, and familiar music played in the background. No flutes. An instrumental classic. It wasn't playing from a radio station── every now and then, the piano keys were hesitant, confused. And I would hear sniffles in those moments. Dad's. Dad was on the piano, and Mom was right next to him, with her head on his shoulder. It had been years since the last time I heard anything from the lonely keys in our living room. It was wonderful. Every time they sang, their soft melody caressed me and my broken heart.

I sat down with my parents after helping myself to lunch, and at long last, fell apart in a way I'd never done before; in a way no words could possibly describe; in a way that only the occasional moments of musical silence between the timid keys and Dad's pained runny nose could somewhat come to understand.

The silky-smooth feel of the fresh rose petals between my fingers, their deep red color and thick thorns, the subtle scent of his presence in the carefully-arranged box, and the gentleness of the fine fabric that I know for sure he had sewn together just for me, pushed me over the edge.

I missed him already.

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