☆☆☆ Chapter 55 ☆☆☆

Apology

Every time it happens── every single time── it hits different, feels different.

Just the other night, the blood in my veins boiled over and overwhelmed me with something that pulled out the animal in me. I kept his head locked in place with the bare strength of my legs and clawed at his back, howled at the moon and stars and anything and everything, dead or alive, inanimate or not. I barely understood words and couldn't say any myself 'til the waves of pleasure were long gone from my system.

And tonight, as my heart beat right out of my chest and pangs of heat took hold of me, my eyes rolled over and saw the light of day when there was anything but, with the one and only exception being the pair of emeralds looking up at me from below. They were bright, bursting with a curious energy I couldn't for the life of me process in the middle of a frickin' orgasm.

My whole body shook and shook and shook as his eyes grinned along with the mouth that owned the craftiest of tongues. It forced me to let go of my iron grip on his hair and allowed him the freedom of messing with me some more to the point where I was out of breath and falling apart and coming undone and losing my grip on reality. For a second I even thought I was nothing but a speck of dust floating in the sky, and in another, I was sinking into my sweaty ruffled sheets. Of course, Daniel saved me from doing so by bringing me back up with a finger rub that had my toes curl. Not like I minded sinking in there though. Would've been hot to die like that. But then again dying means I won't ever be touched again so maybe not.

If possible I want to live forever so that I'll always have his face buried in between my legs. Nothing beats that. There'll always be an experience that I'll be missing out on since it hits different, feels different, every frickin' fucking time.

Seriously, it's always a brand-new trip. It's turned into a drug for me, the strong pull he makes me feel, that tingling sensation that makes my head go blank. He gets me high on lust all the time. And it's never enough. It will never be. I'm addicted, it's been clear to me since the first day I had a taste of it. And sure, when I try to learn it all on my own it feels good, it's a damn good, unique feeling, but with Daniel it's... unexpected, y'know? Just 'cuz it's not me doing it. And then adding the fact that it is Daniel makes it all the more better. What can I say? He knows his stuff.

I want him to go through this feeling one day, with me holding his hand or head or balls or whatever or... yea── oh, oh god, he's doing it again, I won't last──

I dropped like a fly onto the fluffiness of my bed and watched the ceiling spin around in circles again with that time for sure being my last 'cuz my body couldn't keep up anymore with all of the trembling and games going on (though I wish it did, it's only human). If there was any tension or stress or knots in my body, I couldn't remember them. They just didn't exist anymore. Literally every part of my body was at ease to the point where it bordered on me being paralyzed.

All while my head could do nothing but wish for more and more and so, so much more.

From the looks of it Daniel knew I wanted exactly that, but instead of actually doing it he kissed his way up to me, hanging out with my melons for a bit, and fell apart under my armpit with the reddest little face in the world.

"I love you," he wheezed, cuddling up to me.

"So much so that you can't breathe? Yeah I know. That's a problem you gotta fix. It's not that hard, y'know. Breathe in, breathe out. Repeat."

"Ha, haha... I'll try." I felt his warm chest puff up. "Anything for you, Ane."

"Anything for me? Okay, if that's how you roll, then how 'bout you get back to what you were doing? Come on, get goin' with it I want your mouth back where it was," Daniel mumbled something against it on my rib. Something about his jaw. "Ugh! Okay fine, fine!" I growled, annoyed and desperate. "Here's somethin' a lil' easier for you then. How 'bout you not get me all jealous an' triggered by liking some dick in your mouth, eh? You pretty bi boy? Use yours on me, eh? How 'bout that instead? How 'bout now? All o' my mouths've been ready since forever," I teased, using what control I had of my hand to tickle his side. "That way yours can rest, eh? Come on, come on, I'm all here for it!"

He wheezed with laughter at that, doing his best to squirm away from me, but to no avail. I mean, that's what I thought he would do, or what I wanted him to do, but he didn't. It was supposed to be a joke. But he didn't take it that way. He jerked away from me as soon as I said it.

His face turned white, like, the literal color white. How someone's face can possibly go from red to white is way beyond me, but that's what I witnessed happening in real time. All color left his face to god knows where. In the blink of an eye I became the person in the room who was trembling the least.

It took me a good minute to understand that I hurt him, but after it passed everything rushed into my brain, all at once. The high of lust turned to nothing but an ages-old memory, just like that. "Daniel, oh my god, I'm so sorry, I── "

"Why would you say that, why... I... I thought you weren't listening," he squeaked. "I thought you weren't listening." He held himself and swallowed. "H-How, how did you keep quiet for... for so long, you usually don't── y-you're not the type to... I-I thought you weren't listening── "

If he were to ever know the many things that I'm keeping from him, I don't know what he would do.

"Unless it's something major."

He looked like he was seconds away from passing out. "Is, is this major?"

"I don't know," I said. "Is it?"

He tried to say something but couldn't, so silence pitched in. I watched his gaze on the pattern of my sheets turn teary and when the first tear ran down his cheek I felt my heart break into tiny little pieces.

I did that to him. I did exactly what Teresa told me not to do. I put him on the spot and here he is now, totally not comfortable and tearing apart right in front of me. Is it even right to hold him in my arms, to try and fix the damage, to comfort him? To apologize? Is this yet another fuck-up I've done as the horrible person I am?

Duh, of course it is, stupid! I'm so stupid, so fucking stupid! Projecting, projecting, projecting, the big bald therapist might've said, and all 'cuz I'm scared, scared! Scared for what? Am I that weak and insecure? Obviously. What the hell's wrong with me? What have I been trying to achieve all this time if I can't even do a single fucking thing right?!

It wasn't a joke.

It's so, so damn easy to hate me, myself and I. Too goddamn easy.

"Imani," Daniel mumbled. There was barely any strength in it. "If... if it's okay with you, can you... may you hold me?"

When his gaze met mine, I lost it. It whimpered in pain and crushed the broken pieces of my heart that were still somehow beating. The glow in them was barely alive, and there was nothing in his eyes that didn't spell grief. He looked at me as if he knew for a fact that it was the last time I would ever be around him, nevertheless affectionate with him. And god he was so fucking wrong. So, so damn fucking wrong!

I threw myself over him, shamelessly apologizing for something I couldn't fix like the stupid bitch I am. He probably thought I was only being polite.

And then I held him, tried to keep him together in one piece, as he cried himself to sleep. Every sniffle, every tear he shed, every ragged breath, cut right through me. I bled all night.

☆☆☆

I did it wrong. The whole conversation thing, the whole comfort and not-putting-him-on-the-spot thing. I was far from considerate, far from careful. It flew out of my loose lips without a second thought.

So there he was, on a lovely bright morning, keeping to himself on the far corner of my bed, hugging his legs tight. He wasn't crying, I think. His back wasn't giving me any signs of it and he wasn't making any noise. Neither was he trembling. Since the very moment he woke up, there wasn't anything in particular to make a note of, 'xcept for his puffy, swollen eyes. But the way he held himself and ignored my every move told me that he was far from okay. Not even a squeeze from behind made him nudge. I didn't know what to do.

Not like anything could fix what I did, but I wanted to see where his mind was. I needed him to know that I had no plans of breaking up just because of who he found attractive. If anything, it would be because of me.

I ruin every single good thing that happens in the world. Always. There's no escaping it. I'm nothing but scum. Yes, the scum of the earth, that's what I am. I don't need a therapist to figure that out.

An eternity passed before a sigh that wasn't mine grabbed my attention. "I love you, and I am wholeheartedly committed to you. It's always you, Imani. You make me feel warm, safe, and sound. With you, I'm at peace with myself. With you, the skies are blue, the sun shines, the birds sing. With you, I fear no drop of rain to wash it all away. Nobody, nobody else, Imani. Nothing will change that, no matter what. My soul, my past, my body, my future, my entire life down to this very moment, I have bet it all on you and no one else. Every single part of me has. I hope you believe me." Hearing his voice made my eyes sting. After hours of watching the moon give way to the sun in dead silence, after hours of me beating myself up over what I had done and almost giving in to a terrible old impulse that had me staring at the stripes on my wrists, a voice somewhat similar to that of an angel's was overwhelming. "All this time I have been honest with my feelings for you, so I, I never felt the need to be open about... trivial ones because── because, ha, it's seriously always you, over everything and... everyone in the world. I... never thought it would come up either. I just, I just didn't want you to see me any different. But I'm afraid you── "

"No!" I gasped. "There's nothing wrong with who you are!"

"I know." Daniel stayed in place. "But in your mind, I'm not the same Daniel. You might not want me anymore, and── "

"Are you fuckin' kiddin' me?! No! No that ain't it! God no! I want you! I wanna be with you!"

That made him turn over to me. "Really?" I nodded. "Are you sure?" I nodded so hard that I worried my neck would snap over it, but I didn't have the time to think much 'bout it 'cuz Daniel tackled me down. "I was so scared." He clung to me as if it were for his life. It squeezed out all of the tears I didn't have the right to shed. "I was so scared. So scared."

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for hurtin' ...hurting you like that," I cried, kissing and rubbing his arms. Let's unravel that, Imani Ane. "Daniel to be honest, I, I was scared too... no, I'm, I'm scared now, and── and I've been feelin' this way for a while. An' it's stupid, really. All 'cuz... because, I feel threatened, deep inside." I paused for a bit and begged the world to give me strength. Open up, and you'll be halfway there. "It's... something I found out with Dr. Connor. You'd be surprised if you knew 'bout everything that makes me feel that way. It's stupid. Really frickin' stupid."

You're on your way. Keep at it.

Yes, that's right, open it. Open your heart, let it guide you.

"I've known for ages 'bout those things... y'know, the whole sex... orientation thing... but I've always been... indifferent to it. It just never really had anything to do with me 'til the day that you, my adorable needy pup of a boyfriend whose world only revolved 'round yours truly, brought it up." I laughed at my word choice── 'cuz, because honestly, since when did I stop regularly referring to myself as yours truly── but it was so damn dry that it hurt my throat. And the fact that I was nervous didn't help. A butterscotch would've helped. Or a cup of hot chocolate from the office right across Opera's. Anything from that nice bald guy's place. "It scares me, y'know, thinking that... that I might not be the only one you're looking at. That you might leave me. Not want me. So yeah, I... I feel threatened. In... insecure, even. But I want to be with you, and I, I wanna── want to be a better person, so I'm... gonna try working on that. I mean, I am. I already am." Good, good. "So... all of this to say that I mean it. I'm... I'm really sorry, Daniel. I'll do better in the future. I'm working on myself. I'm learning." Silence. Not the maddening kind. "I don't wanna hurt you again, but if I ever, ever do, call me out on it."

Oh dear god, no, this isn't enough. Nothing will be. I've hurt him way too many times already and this one tops them all. I might even hurt him again. No, not might, I will. That's just who I am. It's what I do. It's what I've been doing all this time. For years. I'm terrible. I'm a demonic freak. Who cares if I'm working on it? I'm taking too long, I'm too slow, and he's here right here, in my arms. I'll crush him before anything good comes out of me.

Imani, no, that's not── oh god, oh god these tears hurt. These tears burn. These tears, they're tearing me apart, cutting through flesh and bone.

Oh god, oh dear god, what did his do to that poor little body they came out of? What did those tears do to him? If mine are heavy, if mine are sharp, if mine are hot and sticky and excited to boil me alive, what did those tears put him through as I held him last night, as he bled out and out and out thinking I'll leave him 'til the moment he──

Daniel took in a deep breath and nodded into my neck.

That's it. He's way too good, way too good of a person. How can he forgive me, just like that?

My parents couldn't be any more right. I need to protect him from me.