☆☆☆ Chapter 40 ☆☆☆

Rays of Sunshine

Daniel's cheek rested comfortably on my chest as his arms held me, as the sun's rays embraced his angelic beauty from the edges of the curtains, as I ran my fingers through his hair, sometimes breaking the stiffness of the gel that held it together. His breathing was shallow, suggesting he was still deep in his sleep, but his eyelashes brushed against my skin as he blinked, and so he was awake, just silent, letting the peace in the room swell his heart with nothing but bliss.

And yet, I was far from feeling the same. Very, very far.

Last night was the best time of my life, but something held me back from fully embracing that fact when I first woke up── the mirror by my bathroom. It glared at me with the same rays that touched Daniel's angelic self. What it wanted from me, I had wondered earlier. I scanned my head and its every corner for an answer, past the most painful of memories, past the ones I wanted to forget far more than words can describe. I found the answer after some time, and it wasn't a pleasant one: the mirror didn't want me to forget, to let go of the pain, to leave it on its own. It was afraid of my feelings changing overnight, and so it made sure to make me feel horrible when I woke up from the most peaceful sleep I've had in years; one where I didn't need my trusty knife to keep me safe and warm for the night, under my pillow.

But my god was the mirror wrong, so, so very wrong. How can I possibly forget what I am, what I have become over the years, and the people I've hurt── my own self included? How can I change overnight? The mirror was being unreasonable. Daniel himself told me of how impossible that was, no matter how much I wish for that, no matter how much I forced myself to believe in such a thing, no matter how spooky but awesome that sounds.

Last night was the best time of my life, but the mirror wanted me to say otherwise. Should I continue to let it do what it wants with me today, as it did yesterday?

Last night, before Daniel came to my room, I tore my heart out of my chest and let it bleed on the floor with my tears, beside the dying beanies. Did it want me to be that way for the rest of my life?

I... I don't want that, but, but which part of me was scared, which part of me wanted to keep crying on its own and wail apologies that had no meaning if they were not put to the test? Which part of me fears the shell that has held me hostage, in some dumb form of codependency? Which part of me fears me? Which part of me claims I don't deserve anyone? Which part of me claims I can change, but not change? Me. Which part of me claims I don't deserve Daniel, claims that I'm nothing but a broken person? Which part of me feels I have changed, but has not changed? Me. Which part of me claims that I am no victim, that I am brave, that I have survived and am therefore beautiful? Me. Which? Me. Which, which, which? Me, me, me!

Me, myself, and I. I am every part of me.

Am I the mirror? It seems so. Definitely so.

Why do I still have doubts? Why do I still fail to find peace and rest in the most peaceful of moments? Why can't I be normal──

"Ane," his voice cried. His hands held my shoulders, kept them in place. His eyes were wide, a little frantic. I wondered why, but then again, I shouldn't have. "Ane!"

"Yes?" I replied, blinking a couple of times. "What's wrong?"

"Ane you── all of a sudden, you... you... for a minute, you... " He sighed, shutting his eyes and biting a side of his lip. "Gods, Ane, you scare me. What, what happened? What were you thinking about?" He choked out, but even then his voice cracked too much, and felt too choppy.

I found myself tilting my head to the side, looking closely at him. He was breathing hard now, no longer was it shallow. From the looks of it, he was wide awake now, but not necessarily fine. When he finally opened his eyes, all I saw was red, emeralds, and tears. I wondered why, but then again, I shouldn't have.

"I don't know." Too many questions.

"I'm... I'm going to go get Teresa," he began. He wiped away a couple of tears with his wrist, and stood up from the bed. "Get dressed, but don't, don't go anywhere."

"No, don't!" I yanked his arm down, forcing him back on the bed. I felt nothing but dread coming up my throat as his teary eyes questioned me. I wondered why, but then again, I shouldn't have. "Why call Teresa? I'm fine."

"You're clearly not."

"What will she do anyways, lie around? Y'know she can't do anything, she can't move. She'll barely hear you if you call her now, y'know." There's nothing she can do, she can't move, she can't hear much, that's right. How did I forget? I leaned over to him, looked him straight in the eye. "She's not herself right now, Daniel."

"Ane, what are you saying?"

"They shoot her up with god knows what, how the hell d'you not know? It's been happenin' since the first day, dummy. All she does is drool and moan." Her brain's fried. She's gone, gone, gone. "Must be nice."

Daniel's entire self paused at that, froze. His whole self looked like one heck of a cute statue. A shaken one, but nevertheless cute. There was something in his face that felt off, as if something was tearing him apart. His eyes were glowing and very much alive, though, as if he were thinking of something major. I wondered why, but then again, I shouldn't have.

"Ane, tell me, why would you think that? Why must that be nice?" He still didn't move an inch. Not a single inch, except for his lips. His soft, pink lips.

"Can't you see it, Daniel? If your brain's fried, you can't feel a single thing," I said, squeezing his arm. "Teresa's fine. Teresa might not remember, but I definitely will, if we somehow make it out alive. That's why it must be nice, that's why, honest to god. It's not fair."

Daniel's whole body suddenly shifted over to mine. He swallowed hard, breathing in and out, harshly. His fists were clenched, his jaw was under immense pressure. His eyes, still very much in tears, were staring at me with a look that shook me. I couldn't help but gulp.

"Ane, tell me, who did this to you?" Too many questions. Too many questions. Too many questions. "Ane, who did this to you? Who hurt you? Who hurt your sister?" No, Mom, I can't. I can't say, I can't say a single thing. Dad already tried makin' me talk. Nothin' will change with you. I ain't sayin' shit. Tess ain't either. We ain't sayin' shit, not to you, not to Dad, not to the police, not to any other soul, so leave me alone. Leave us alone. "Ane, TELL ME!"

Daniel's voice, for once in his life, was deep, rough, loud. Harrowing. Far from soft, far from gentle, far from all that's music to the ears. It was a desperate cry for something I knew, from a weeping angel whose wings were torn.

I wondered why, but then again, I shouldn't have, because he knew that a while back, when he was miles away from Florida and had yet to be actively involved in my life as my boss and boyfriend── someone took advantage of me.

He's hurt. He's cried so, so many times. He still cries. He's crying now.

I wondered why, but then again, I shouldn't have, because after learning of what had happened to me, Daniel has been dying to hunt that someone down, to catch that someone, to at least know if that someone was behind bars. He has wanted to be my knight in shining armor, to do nothing but help and support me, ever since our first date. No, even before then.

He was the one person that hired me when nobody wanted to, he was the one person that convinced me to get professional help, he was the one person that has dedicated himself to me and me only, and still, regardless of all he's done, he weeps for me, because all he's done may not be enough for me to fight my demons, or at the very least keep me safe from them.

And so, not knowing what else to do, I broke down in tears, and let myself hunch over and hide in the comfort of his chest. "Daniel I'm so sorry," I whimpered. "I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry."

I didn't know what to do. I didn't.

He held me tight, rubbing my arms, kissing my forehead. He cried with me, held himself together with me. "No, no, I'm... I'm the one that should be sorry, not you," he sobbed. "I pushed you."

I shook my head at that, looking up to hold his cheeks, to caress them and his stubble. "No, Daniel. You... you meant well."

"No, Ane, I yelled at you, pushed you to say things. That wasn't nice. Don't justify it." His tears dropped down on my face. They burned my forehead. "I don't ever want to hurt you, and yet, look at what I just did."

Is this what a part of me wanted── to drown in sorrow, indefinitely? To never try and look forward, to never try and find happiness, to never enjoy myself? To not deserve Daniel, or anyone else but my bitter, horrible self? Too many questions. Too many questions. Too many questions. Just get rid of 'em all. It's what you want, right? Go ahead, tell him all you know, get it off of your stupid, over-sized chest. Go tell the whole fuckin' world that you were raped and cut and burned and beaten and bitten like an animal for eight days straight. Go ahead, humiliate yourself. Just remember one thing, 'Your Highness': you're nothing without the best part of you. You're just a broken little girl without it, and once you tell him, it will keep you safe no more, and nobody wants to see a vulnerable little shit. You yourself know it, don't ya? That's what annoyed you when your dearest goody-two-shoes of a boyfriend said you weren't ready, right? That's right, you piece of shit, you're nothing without the best part of you; the part that has held you together for all of these years, the flawless confidence that held you together when nobody else could. Don't you dare fuckin' try to forget it, it'll tear your whole life apart, you stupi── I'm scared, scared of myself.

I'm sorry.

"Daniel," I choked out. "Daniel, I'll tell you. I'll go ahead and tell Dr. Connor, too. I'll talk it through with Teresa, and we'll tell Mom and Dad, together. We'll let the whole world know."

"Ane, don't push yourself── "

"It's fine. I'll be fine," I said, swallowing hard the shivers going down my spine, nodding and shutting my eyes tight for a bit. I gave him the best of all my pleading faces. "I need this, I want this. I want to be fine."

Shaking his head and wiping away his tears again, he sighed. He carefully let me go from his hold, stood up, and moved the curtains to the side, welcoming all of the sun's rays onto his body. His entire self glowed in that moment. He was beautiful. If it were not for how torn I felt on the inside, I would've cried from how perfectly the morning sun embraced him, from how much he looked like an angel right there, like an angel from the heavens who came down to deliver me from all my pain. His golden hair, his emerald eyes, his perfect little button nose, his soft, pink lips, his flushed cheeks, his gentle, delicate self, it all made my heart want to swell with nothing but bliss, love.

Someone held me back from it, though── me, myself, and I.

"Alright, Ane. I'll listen," he muttered, pressing a hand against the window.

His voice was soft once again, and fluffy, like the clouds above. Stuffy, too. I wanted to keep on hearing it forever. It soothed me, calmed me, in the worst of times. His voice made it a tiny bit easier to say the worst of all things possible; all that he and his friends did to me and my sister. His name.

My eyes fell on the floor. "One summer, when I was sixteen, I had a boyfriend. I thought he was cool. I thought he was the funny type of sarcastic. I thought he was thoughtful. I thought he cared about me. I thought... I thought I loved him. I trusted him, believed in him." By then, I heard a crack in my voice, and it scared me. Made me nervous. My heart wanted to hurry up and die. But I needed to let it out, all of it. "He was the typical bad boy, everyone kept a certain distance from him. He was rough, crude. He was a high school dropout by the time I met him, not sure from where. Never cared to tell me his age, or of his family, if he had any. Still, I thought I loved him. I thought I loved him, and so, blinded with that thought, I overlooked the signs. I overlooked how he controlled me, manipulated me, using not just my grief over Uncle Jesse's sudden death, but a million other things. I overlooked how he, at all times, had a wild look in his eyes, how he didn't know what 'no' meant. That his 'friends' were a disturbing bunch. That he had a horrible temper. That he fought everyday with whomever, whenever, with whatever. That he set things on fire. Set someone on fire, and threatened me about it. I overlooked many, many things. I thought I loved him, and so, blinded with that stupid thought, I was convinced that... that I could change him."

I couldn't bring myself to look up at Daniel. I didn't want to see the pity in his eyes, or the pain, or anything at all. I kept my eyes down, sniffling and wheezing for what felt like hours 'til I gathered up enough courage to continue.

"Teresa yelled at me all the time 'bout breaking up with him, but I never listened. I brushed her off every time. And... and then one day, he beat me. It, it was really bad. I couldn't hide it. Mom and Dad thought I got in a fight or something, but Teresa knew the truth; she felt it, and she was furious. She was finally able to talk me out of being with him after that." Here it comes. "I know we should've gone to the police, but Teresa and I wanted to break things off as soon as possible, so... s-so we rushed over to his place to break things off, and... " Come on, don't back off now, you can do it. You know you can. Keep at it, Ane. "That's...  That's where── "

That's where it happened. Nobody there had the intention to help us, save us. They all wanted in, wanted me to regret crossing them. Go ahead, say it, tell your precious new goody-two-shoes of a boyfriend.

I shook my head, rocked myself back and forth, bit my nails, bit a finger, dug my nails into my arms, picked at my scars, did anything possible to calm myself down. I felt myself slip in and out of whatever consciousness was, but I held on to the light, to the rays of sunshine wrapped around Daniel. His forehead rested against the window. His eyes were sealed shut as he wept in silence. Tears trickled down his flushed cheeks, kissed his eyelashes goodbye as they left. He was so very beautiful.

He had no clue just how much his presence held me together in that moment.

"They did a lot of things to me there, Daniel, but the one that had me the most, the one who gave me these scars, these bites, the one who loved to hear me scream and try to fight back, the one who forced my sister to watch when nobody wanted or was around to use her, it was him; the one I thought I loved. The one I trusted and believed in, to a horribly bad fault. It was <%#--(*&@!_$^+&$#*> ."