☆☆☆ Chapter 37 ☆☆☆

His Frustrations

*Daniel's Point of View*

Several days have passed since the day Roger and I brought Ane back to the residence. My mother and company have already arrived from their time at the hotel as well, and Father, even, has come back from the Campbell estate, but Ane is still shocked, speechless. In certain moments, Ane becomes completely unresponsive, not processing much, allowing everything that is said to pass over her. If she were to see Hilery or Joel during such moments of vulnerability, I do not know what could happen to Ane's psyche. Because of that, I have done my best to keep her away from them and everyone in my family. Teresa and I thought it would be best for her to not be exposed to any potential triggers. Even Roger, who has dropped by a few times, hasn't seen her, and understands it should be kept that way for a while.

Everyone besides Roger and Teresa believed Ane just wanted some alone time, and I want it to remain that way until Ane's ready to talk or let it go── whichever one makes it more comfortable for her.

From what Roger has told me, Ane was held at gunpoint, threatened and taunted, ready to take the blow, even though the gun's safety was on. Typical of Joel to make such a "good scare," but I hate him for that. Such a closet sadist. Why to Ane? She was already vulnerable, and yet he dared to put her in a situation where she's comfortable to die, ready to die. I already understand my brother; he lost his wits after being outed for his moral deviance──  but I don't want to understand him anymore, I don't want to see his side of things anymore, not after hurting Ane. I want to feel the heat of anger rise within me, to boil over for once, instead of having it be cooled down to nothingness with reason and empathy as I often tend to do.

He hurt Ane and I couldn't stand it. She's already been through enough.

While staring at the flashes of lights from the TV in front of us, I found myself squeezing Ane's arm a little too hard. She didn't flinch from it. That fact tore me apart, because after surrendering herself to a bullet, a squeeze has become nothing to her. 'Nothing' is all that she is at the moment. Does she have a death wish? What exactly happened at the hotel; how exactly did she process what she saw there, if she's not at it right now? How did it get to this, why?

I should have seen it coming from the moment "vacation within a vacation" came out of my mother's mouth. Everything and anything involving Hilery or Joel is pure trouble. No matter how well they play their roles as "harmless people," they're on par with Jade in more ways than one. Jade, who has brought nothing but pain in Roger's life as well as Ane's and her entire family, is on par with Hilery and Joel in more ways than one. They all live in their own sick worlds.

I cannot tell who's the worst amongst my siblings, and it sickens me.

I, myself, am not a goody two-shoes, either. Ane's with me for a reason I can never deny; I know her in ways I know are far from what's even remotely healthy. There's more than enough evidence of that hidden in my bedroom, and I could easily be arrested for half of it, if Ane ever feels the need to notify the authorities. The things I've done for love are sick. The things I still do for love are. And yet, they can be and are, so very pure. So sickeningly pure.

My body tensed up, but once Ane, my adorable zombie girlfriend, made herself comfortable on my chest and snuggled up against it, my shoulders let go of their tension. Every part of my body followed immediately after.

It made me feel special, really, how she gave most of her attention to me in her darkest moments, but it was a constant reminder of how much she's hurting, too. I can only wonder what's on her mind, if it's not on a hiatus. Her last two visits to Dr. Connor's didn't help much in figuring that out, either, seeing how she barely spoke during their time together, so trust me when I say I was both spooked and surprised when Ane actively reached for the remote to turn off the TV, preparing herself to speak. I prepared myself for the worst, or at least I thought so.

"Daniel, why are you normal?"

Compared to her usual proud and outspoken self, she was tiny, frail. Timid, even.

"What do you mean?" I asked, rubbing her arm as gently as I could.

"Your siblings are messed up in the head. Why are you the exception?"

I felt a soft burn form itself in my eyes. Tears. They were all daring to rush out of me along with what my mouth itched to say within seconds, but I shoved them down. "Ane, I am not the exception. There is no exception. I'm not normal, I'm borderline obsessed with you, and I swing both wa── "

Why did I try to say that?

I caught myself somewhat late, but desperately prayed to all the gods above that she wouldn't connect the dots. My life was on the line there. Who knows what she would think of me if it ever comes to light? Who knows what everyone else would think of me? Do I even want to let them know? No. Is it normal? Yes. I know that plain obsession is one thing, but that one other part of me is normal. It is not weird, it is not disgusting, it is not shameful. I know now, after a long struggle of accepting and coming to terms with it. Yes, I know better now. It's okay to not like them only. It's normal. Yes, yes it is. Still, she doesn't need to know about that. Nobody needs to know but Roger. At least, not yet. I am not ready to out myself, if ever at all. It's nobody's business but mine.

Ane breathed out fairly lightly, letting her head rest on my thighs, shifting her body accordingly on the couch. I held my breath and finished my prayers once her lips parted. She was ready to speak of her judgment, ready to throw away my one shot at guaranteed happiness.

Ready to tear me apart some more. Ready to tear apart my very soul.

For a split second, I damned my own self for being who I was, as I had done a couple of years back. For a split second, I was the seventeen-year-old me who feared for his future and desires. For a split second, Ane was not my girlfriend, not my maid; she was nothing more than the girl I obsessed over, from half a thousand miles away. For a split second, I was counting down the handful of days left for me to fly over to Florida for the spring break, to figure out why Roger sounded so depressed over the telephone, but at the same time scared for what that could mean for me, considering my closeted feelings for him. For a split second, I dreaded going over to my Pre-Calculus class, as always, because I couldn't understand what the trigonometric identities or functions stood for, and the only person I could immediately turn to was my then-crush and eventual ex Charlie Butler, the overachieving teacher's pet with those horribly painful braces and bewitching eyes that talked me out of our first break-up, and I definitely didn't want to do that── I just knew it would be awkward on my end because who knows what he thinks of me and what if he finds out about me from the way I look at him or something and he gets grossed out and I can't even ask Roger for advice because he doesn't know about me and he'll tell something's off if I were to twist the story around and then I'll see him over the spring break and── and then the second passed.

I blinked, and I was once again the twenty-one-year-old Daniel living in Florida, in my hometown, with an adorable, zombified Ane looking right back at me, with her lips parted and ready to condemn me with her judgement.

"It's nothing compared to them," she murmured, shrugging a bit. "You love me a little too much, so what?"'

I searched her eyes, her body language. It didn't seem to me that she was talking about my last few words. It felt like they passed from one ear to the other, actually. No change in tone, no certain glow in her eyes, not a single twitch anywhere. No significant reaction. Must be that she only heard or understood the obsession part.

For once, and for that one time only, I was glad── relieved, even, that her mental state allowed for some leniency in what she could and could not process.

I let out a small sigh of relief, and continued on with her thoughts. "I've done a lot of self-reflection over the years and have come to recognize things would have been different if our parents had given us some attention during our childhood, but I accept the way things are now── I mean, I have you and Roger... and his mother, the best mother figure out there. My siblings, well, they just didn't have that luck. I tried to be their devoted older brother once upon a time, to be their one familial connection, but things didn't go as expected, as seen with Jade's thoughts of me, and Hilery and Joel, um, well, it didn't work for them either, seeing how they are now."

I felt her try to shake her head. "I don't get where having an entire gang fits in all of that."

"Actually, about that── " Once again I caught myself, right on time now. Should I tell her any more, will she be able to handle it? Will she be able to handle the fact that the gang was actually forced onto my brother by our shady uncle and has nothing to do with his relationship with Hilery? Ane looked up at me, waiting for some form of answer. Her dark, tired eyes told me everything I needed to know: she doesn't need to know, she's seen too much, and she didn't want any more of it. She was drained of all energy, thinking or forcing herself to not think about it for the past few days. "Nevermind," I whispered, keeping a mental note for myself to keep my mouth shut for as long as needed.

I'll spare her, I love her too much to dare and hurt her with any more.

A calm silence engulfed us, and so I let myself lay on the couch idly, occasionally admiring the soft glow of the moon from out the window. So far, yet so close. It's truly a beauty, the moon, and so very nostalgic.

Long ago, in my childhood, I used to do the same thing as I did now, all by my lonesome, completely smitten with how much the moon both resembled and described my desire for Ane. Inspired by the aforementioned, I would look down at times to write poems on my desk for her, hoping she would read them the next day. It was an adorable thing I did, really. As soon as all eyes at the residence weren't on me, I would sneak out to put them by her bedroom window with little gifts. Many of those gifts I made by hand, and I took pride in that. I recall my biggest project during my childhood; sewing a blouse for her. It was a little hard for me to pin down her measurements and the blouse I ended up making was horribly crafted, but my thoughts and feelings were all that mattered to me. I had hoped my efforts would touch her heart, but nothing really worked. That was true, of course, until the day I hired her.

She truly was the moon to me, and she still is, regardless of the fact that she's not far from my hold anymore; Ane's right here, right next to me, with her head on my lap. She's still so very beautiful, and it pains me to know she's been through things I can't even imagine. Roger, too. They did no wrong before, and yet here they are today with their hands dirtied, broken by madmen.

Why do the people I love the most go through such things; why has the world turned against them in that regard?

My fingers slid over to Ane's head, fiddling with every inch of her adorably feisty, springy curls. Just like their owner, those curls were honest, stubby, and sweet, even if they're rough, stubborn, and kinky, all at once. I like both sides, and don't have a problem with either, and to be frank, it only excites me more. All the more love for me to give her, but yes, I understand that to get somewhere with Ane will take a while. I'll be patient. I have to. I need to. I want to. My hands will keep me busy for now, anyway. Imagination really works, just saying, and imagination plus love? That's a whole trip right there. A whole lovely session. What, is it bad? No, it's not.

I love her, and that's the truth.

I love her so much, in fact, that I fail to notice where the line is between caring and being overprotective or overbearing, and considering I'm a person of logic I should know the difference, but love truly blurs the line, as Roger tells me. I hope Ane bears with me and whatever my mind comes up with in our future life together as husband and wife; I fear I might do creepy things to her in the name of love, and I won't have a single clue about it until she calls me out on it. I can already see it── our marriage will be crazy, but in a good, fun way.

I felt a giggle come out of me, and Ane's head jerked a bit from it. "What's so funny?" she asked, sitting up again.

"Nothing, really. You're just so cute," I told her, softly caressing her cheeks now. She didn't reply to what I said, but I noticed a small smile.

Gods, she's so beautiful I have to remind myself to breathe. Literally everything about her takes my breath away. I would die happy if I one day, by accident, asphyxiate myself because of her. Nevermind the 'if,' actually. That day will arrive, once we get it on with each other, guaranteed. It's fine though, I'll die for the bone, hands down.

One of Ane's graceful hands came up to my cheeks. "Daniel?"

"Yes, Ane?"

She leaned in close, her head less than a centimeter away from mine. "I'm so glad I met you," she mumbled, inching in much more closer. Her lips brushed the tip of my nose, but quickly fell to my shoulders along with her head. "Even if your family's the way it is, I don't regret meeting you. You're not them── you're something else, no matter what you think." Her arms wiggled themselves around my torso. "You've really become my knight in shining armor, Daniel."

Shit, she read that letter, didn't she? Maybe he read his, too.

A lump formed itself in my throat from a swelling blend of elation and mortification. Tears once again burned my eyes. This time, I knew I would not be able to shove them down. My words tumbled down before I had the chance to give them life, so I held Ane tight against my chest instead.

One of two. One of two, and she's the one I can have. The only one I can. It's okay. It's fine. I love her. It's not just an obsession. It's love. She's beautiful, she's amazing. She's my girlfriend. That was once a dream. It's a reality now.

Oh gods, you have all blessed me so very much with their presence, but you have all cursed me to pick, too. It is fine, it is understandable. I cannot be with both, and the world knows it. It is why I hired her, why I pursued her and her only, because I at the very least am not risking anything with her; we never had something to lose; no bond, no friendship, nothing but an acquaintanceship she fails to remember, as I sadly confirmed on the day she met me as her Master.

And so, with that in mind, I thought to myself many months back: why not gamble with the chance of having something? And so I did, and I got it, I won, I know I did. I'm living a good life with her by my side.

But still, have I really won? I... he... I── no, I cannot be ungrateful, not even in the slightest. I am happy right now, and that is all that should matter. I cannot be ungrateful, I cannot wish for more. Ane is my girlfriend, and I love her. It's a dream come true.

I'm happy.

I promise to make her the happiest woman alive, to love and cherish her, to treat her as my princess, to respect her in all the ways I can as both a man and a lover, to be there for her when she needs me, to hold her hand and kiss her every time she steps into Dr. Connor's office, to encourage her healing process every step of the way, to make her as comfortable as she could possibly be with being open and upfront about anything and everything, to help her grow as a person.

Gods, how I love her so much is undeniably a mystery, and yet it is not; Ane is Ane. Who else but Ane? No one, nobody, nobody else.

Oh really, is that true? Are you sure, Dan?

"Why? Why are you crying?" She eventually asked me. Her voice felt soft, pleasant to the ears. Her hands went up to my face again, this time to wipe away tears. I couldn't give her any form of reply but a tender squeeze. Ane understood, or at least she thought so. "Daniel you cute little runt," she said, letting out a half-suppressed laugh. There were a couple of curious sparks going off somewhere in her majestically dark eyes. "You're sensitive as heck."

Oh gods I love her, I really do.

Ane pecked me on the lips, and then pecked me some more. Her lips were warm, full and welcoming. Her touch, delicate and careful at first, paved the way for her desires to come to life. Her lips, warm, hot, full and scarce, urged me, begged me, to give her more. Yes, they quickly wanted more from me, and in my mouth her presence came, embracing everything and anything within me, taking everything and anything for themselves, raiding all I had, charming me into a sick spell, demanding me to give her more, but gods I was already giving her all I could, all that my very soul could give out.

Not satisfied, she cornered me in between herself and the sofa, her fingers tracing me from the navel; over my shirt, all the way up to my stubble, squeezing the living daylights out of my torso afterwards, drowning me in the most luscious of kisses. It made me forget to breathe, it made me go nuts.

Oh gods how I love her is not a mystery. Fuck, I love her, yes I really do, but... but him as well, and Ane, she's... she's not in the right state of...

Her lips now teased me, letting go when I wanted more, nibbling on things I didn't think she would yet── my ears, my neck. It was a dangerous form of high; it made me want to hurry up and take her, yes, take her right there on the sofa and have her moan and whimper my full name to the moon and gods in a drunken state of passion. It made me more than anything else want to give her a piece of me, to load all my years' worth of lust into her and give her the love I have held within me for far too long, to show her how much of a lunatic I've become for her, but──

Fuck, Ane, Imani Ane! Shit, fuck, there it was, coming up, up, up.

I wanted to touch her, I wanted to touch her so very fucking bad, and she was definitely more than willing right now, she was definitely all that mattered to me right now without a doubt in my mind, but she was vulnerable, and I knew it. Yet, thoughts of taking her continued swelling up, up, up.

My hands were going down in a trance, ready to feel the heat between us, but out of pure chance I happened to notice a tiny bit of panic in her tenacious gaze, right when her own hands went down to unbuckle my belt. It felt like a slap to the face, a pull back into reality, something comparable to the horrid surprise of mace getting sprayed in the eye.

It was all too much, too sudden, too unexpected. How did things turn out that way? How did we go from hugging to... w-why did Ane surprise me like that, why did I... ?

I hurriedly pushed her away, rushing for cover, my heart pumping away, barely breathing, with the hopes that she didn't feel me in the slightest. I almost messed up. I almost touched her, I almost lost it. I almost hurt her.

"Daniel, what... ?" I heard her mumble, confused. Heartbroken.

"This is not the time for that," I said, carefully, trying to breathe properly in between. "You're not ready."

Ane's eyebrows furrowed, giving way to anger. "What! Hey!"

Calm down, Daniel, calm down. "Ane trust me," I forced myself to say, eyes lingering too long on her, exciting me to no end. Every throb drove me right to the edge. "You're not ready." She's so fucking sexy, why can't I just touch her? She wants it, I want it, let's get on with it! We need to fuck, fuck, fuck, right here, right now! Grab her, just fucking grab her, pin her against the wall, get a taste of her! You've been waiting for this moment for years, just do it already!

"Who are you to say that, this is me we're talkin' 'bout, not you!"

Ane is vulnerable right now, she doesn't know what she's doing. I need to keep that in mind. She's been hurt in the areas I want to dive myself into with her, I need to be considerate. I am patient, I know I am, but temptation is far too strong. Temptation yanks away my drive to help her step by step, it pushes me to skip right to the finish line. Gods, I love her too much to hurt her. I love her, there's no doubt about it, but she's vulnerable. She's gone through too much, I don't want anything to trigger her pain.

I'll only make things worse if I do anything right now.

I don't need another reminder of the horror in her eyes when she saw my chest that one time; that horrid fear in her eyes, the trauma screaming right in front of me at the top of its lungs; the pain, the sorrow, the deep, bloody wound that failed to close and became infected, oozing with its yellowish, sticky liquid── all of the most agonizing things were written all over her eyes back then, and I will never forget. I want to find the man that hurt her, give him the worst day of his life. It's only Ane that's stopping me, but I'm willing to work with Joel for this one thing if she ever gives me the green light. He's got a ton of connections I can take advantage of, and hopefully they can help out with easing Ane's anxieties of that sick bastard ever coming back to hurt her again.

Anything for Ane I will do, anything but── oh, if only I could make it all go away somehow. Things would be so much easier, and she wouldn't be in pain; she would be the Ane of the past, unafraid and bold. She would have taken me right here, proudly and happily, with nothing to hold her back or frighten her. I would have done the same, too; I would have given her a night worth remembering. I would have made her beg for more, for me to never stop. I would have made her dig her nails into me, have her back arch from pure pleasure, have her forget she's someone's daughter. Unfortunately I know it's impossible, but a man can dream. A man can imagine. Anyone can imagine. Imagination works, yes. Love helps.

I kissed the angry Ane on the forehead, wished her a good night's sleep, and walked my way out of the room.

My hands are all I need right now, yes. Eventually, she'll come to understand I am holding it all back for her.

Anything for Ane I will do; anything but hurt her.