I am so haunted by the ghosts of my past

Sabotaging everything I have so it never lasts

Letting my fears get the better of me

Shackled my bonds so that I can't break free

I say I'm stone but I feel more than I should

I would really turn off the switch if I could

Pushing people away, never letting them close

Then feeling my heart ache cause I feel more alone than most

Loving them from a distance and loving them with all my heart

But I know how to leave them before they leave me like an artist knows his art

Built these walls around me because I thought they'd protect me

But the walls are flooded with my hurt and now it's like I'm lost at sea

Try as I might I can't locate the coast

I'm left floating in my tears feeling like a freaking ghost

And yet somehow I've made a friend

And try as I might I can't play pretend

I care, he does too

The only problem? I can't seem to let him through

I love him, I really do

And know he loves me enough for two

Trust issues, but he's patient with me

Says he's here and always will be

I want to tell him what's in my head

But every time I try my tongue feels like lead

He wants to help; he helplessly keeps knocking on my door

And when I don't open it, he sits down against it out on the floor

I deal with my pain in silence alone

Fight my demons and suffer the cyclones

He waits every storm out, he's always there

I hate how I can't let him in even though I am aware

This fort was built to keep people out

But it keeps me caged in too, without a doubt

I like to think I'm strong but I'm a coward all around

At the first sign of trouble, everything goes under lockdown

I hate vulnerability even with people I trust

And it hurts them in ways that I know are unjust

I've lately begun to realize that my silence hurts him now

And I wish it didn't, I wish I was strong enough to make it better somehow

I wish I was a better friend than I am

I wish being mine didn't feel like a constant exam

I wish I could let people in more easily

And save them the hurt of having to know me

I want to learn but I am at a loss

I'm unteachable and all the roads are crossed

I always take the wrong path and wound up lost

And every time my loved ones pay the cost

I think time is what I need

But it's a luxury and there are no guarantees

Six years from now I'll probably be the same

On the beck and call of my past every time it calls my name

And I say I'm over it but evidently I'm not

The wounds have healed but left nasty scars

He tells me it's okay, that it gets better with time

But what if I never get better and stay bitter like lime?

They're bound to get tired, of waiting for me to come around

I know I'm resilient but what if from this I never rebound?

It's a fear of mine that they'll leave one day

Because waiting is hard and how long will they wait?

And even though it'll break me I'll have nothing to say

It kills me to know:

I'll have to watch them walk out cuz they realized I am dead weight.

-Vaish
(Posted on: 20th July 2023)

(Written on 17th May 2023, 1:43 am)

* * *

A/N: The procrastination behind the act of posting this poem, my lord. This is so raw and verbalizes so many of my greatest fears. I had a lot to think about and process after writing this.

Here's the backstory. After failing to excel in a very crucial exam, I fell into a short-term depression. A bad period for me because I was associating my life-changing for the better with the passing of the paper and well, for obvious reasons that wouldn't be happening. I have this habit of shutting down when shit like this happens. I stop talking and withdraw into my shell. I hide my true emotions with smiles when spoken to.

My friend knows me too well and saw right through this act. We often sit on silent VCs and keep each other company and one night I must've looked positively haunted because he finally broached the subject. He knew I was bottling it up and tried to get me to talk. Despite wanting to, I found myself being unable to communicate with my only friend (as always), he told me it hurt him that I didn't open up and lean on him despite us being so close. (Before you guys attack him or think badly of him, he didn't do it in a pushy way or in a way that would gaslight me into admitting stuff I wasn't comfortable with.) I tried to brush it off and tell him I'm fine but he saw right through it and hit me with the message: IDEK what to say or do, feel so fucking helpless rn

That bled into a long conversation of us trying to comb through this. And when it was all said and done, I ended up penning this poem to let it all out.

No, I didn't end up spilling my guts to him that night. That shit doesn't happen overnight like that. But we did talk, he did assure me he was there for me and I acknowledged that with immense gratitude.

It's a process ya'll. And I feel for all of you struggling with trust issues and toxic traits like this cuz of your past trauma. I hope this poem made you feel less alone and secluded.

And I hope one day you find someone as great as my friend if you haven't already. Someone patient enough to stick by your side as you heal and understanding enough to support you through it instead of making you feel broken or abnormal for being the way you are. Don't settle for less.

If all else feels hopeless, please don't hesitate to hit me up. My PM is open for you always. I'm here for you and I understand. Sometimes talking to a stranger is easier.

If you made it this far, thanks for caring enough to read through this long-ass AN. I love you guys <3