I am a fool as much as I'm a liar

Think I'm shining? I'm just burning in my fire

Life is sad as shit but I am making it work

Toil to the clock, try not to go berserk

I crack jokes about being alone

Say I am happy, while inside I'm stone

After all, the world never met vulnerability well

The moment they find out I'm fragile I'm as good as dead

Smile with confidence, make fun of them

Pretend life ain't falling apart; like you bagged the good end

If you say you're one in a million they will believe it

All you gotta do is pretend that you mean it

Look back at the past and realize you never moved

Walking in circles till you're old and've lost your groove

Your dreams are still on the horizon but now they're dull 

Your brain is in your body but your mind ain't in your skull

Survival of the fittest sure is a hit

Never give them permission to tear you down bit by bit

What you bare to the world is all that they hide

Successful people often have nothing but big egos and flimsy pride

Fickle is this world and the rules that we made

Society is falling apart cause its core is a grenade

Count down to three; you could either run away or die 

But the feeling of belonging and the fear of loneliness is your kryptonite

Separation gives you anxiety and ironically pushes you over the edge

I wish love and support was prioritized over meaningless bullying and revenge

An eye for an eye till the whole world is blind

As we become just homo sapiens and leave the humans in us behind

The future is dark, but perhaps that's what we need

We come with nothing and we leave with greed

Maybe one day we will look back at the path we chose to take

And realize the destruction we left in our wake

Won't change the past but maybe the future will be more livable

A thousand years from now maybe showing my fears wouldn't feel formidable.

Purer hearts, cleaner minds;

A bright day finally breaks the eternal dark night.

-Vaish
(15/12/22)

Posting on: 31st December 2022

* * *

A/N: I was reading my diary entries the other night. I had a lot of angst inside me as a kid and writing entries is how I coped. My poems sucked back then so that was not a good outlet to vent as that just frustrated me more. 

So, in one of these diary entries, I wrote 'I am a fool as much as I am a liar'. The context is that I kept being stupid and letting people in and then expecting something from them, even if it was just basic love and respect. I kept being let down. And I kept smiling and pretending like I didn't give a fuck while inside it hurt so hard it made it difficult to be in a crowd without having the urge to break down. A lot of triggers and childhood trauma contributed to that feeling being so intense. Maybe I'll open up about those someday.

I feel quite pleased with how far I've come and much I've grown since then. I didn't know growing was painful, but it is. But when you're done growing, you will be so damn proud of it all. Everything will be worth it. Every sleepless night, every breakdown, every tear . . . they're all leading up to something beautiful, something better than you can ever imagine for yourself. You're gonna emerge out of all this as a stronger person. And you will love yourself so much more. 

I love you guys. Take care.

P.S.: You're not alone <3

P.S.S.: HAPPY NEW YEAR! Stay safe, ya'll <333