HER

"Mind you, the bitch had the audacity to tell Tanya not to approve my time off cause she wanna go see her..."

Running my fingers across rigid fabric, I was visited by fond memories of my childhood. I'd give it a squeeze to feel the crunch. Crazy how such a distinctive pair of pants, if styled right, could make a statement. But also, be the reason for a young girl's fashion trauma. That same exact crunch used to make my teeth hurt. While things like chalk boards, book pages, and faux suede still do.

"Mhm." I said. Nodding, even though I had no idea what Oaklynn was talking about.

Peeking at the 28 on the tag, I wrapped the pants around my arm. I bet they would go great with a cropped varsity jacket and a bedazzled bralette. All there was to do was find the right shoes and accessories.

"Un-Uhh!" she said. "I wouldn't wear that at my funeral. Girl, put them pants down."

"You gone have to trust me on this one. Have I ever let you look a mess?"

"This look has to be iconic, L"

"Listen," I handed the cashier my debit card. "You gone do yo big one, on your big day. Your best friend got you, girl."

"Yeah, but do my stylist got me? Cause you don't even like corduroy. Member that time in 2nd grade when ya momma had you wear them navy blue ones for picture day?" She giggled a little too hard and her hand hovered over her mouth.

"I didn't know fashion then." My eyes wandered, scanning my surroundings. The rumble in my stomach had me focused on the smell of freshly baked pretzels coming from Auntie Annie's. "I had to learn to appreciate the diversity in fabrics and how putting different patterns and styles together creates its own unique aesthetic for every occasion."

"Blah, Blah, Blah!" her hands latched onto me like a toddler and tugged me towards Forever 21. "I'm turning twenty-seven. Not thirty."

"Close enough." My teeth clenched my tongue. My eyes searched for a garment while hers were burning a hole in my soul. "Relax, I'm older than you."

"Oh right, that's why you dress like that."

"Ooh, you tried it." her cackling had everyone in the store eyes on us.

"Ryn, just make me something from scratch. That's your thing."

"So I'd have only a week to come up with an idea, buy my materials, and then make it? Nah, I'm good."

"What if I paid you this time?"

"You want me to make you something that bad?"

"I won't leave until it's finished. Please!"she clasped her hands together.

"Fine, remember to get some good photos so I can add it to my portfolio."

"About that..." she pulled a plane ticket out of her purse and slipped it in the pocket of my hoodie. "My photographer and videographer canceled on me at the last minute, so..."

"Oaklynn," I smacked my lips and gave her a stare. "No. This is too last minute for me. You know it's Ray's weekend. He would never let me live down choosing a girls trip over Rylee. Then, I'm going to be hyper focusing on getting your outfit done. And, if I go, I'm going to be on your ass about how you look, getting your pictures done, footage, and make up. Like, girl. You are trying to see me crash out."

"You are the only person on this planet that will make sure I get to enjoy myself without forgetting to make content. I need you to be my manager for those four days. That's it." I let out a deep sigh. Staring into the abyss, trying to find a reason besides being a mother why I can't go. I mean, it's not like I'd miss out on money. I could make so much more while I'm there if need be.

"Who all gone be there?"

"Alisha, Key'Aira, Joi, and the other extra ticket went to Brooklyn."

"Yeah, no. I'm good." I shook the thought right out of my head.

"Why can't you try to be nice for once?!"

"Why don't you ever listen to me? I told you Joi and Brooklyn are not your friends."

"Let me worry about them. You gone be with me. I'll pay for everything. Just please come."

"I'll have to get back to you on that. Let me talk to Ray first. Okay?"

"Thank you, I'll send you the itinerary tonight just in case." She flashed her teeth and tucked a piece of hair behind her ear.

As the therapeutic voice of Chris Brown blasted through my JBL speaker, I hummed along. Graphite crumbled on my sketchbook, leaving the residue of ideas. I insisted on keeping my phone face down because time was not on my side. Whenever I felt the pressure of time, that was all I could think about. Do I sew or crochet this outfit? Do I risk it or play it safe? A million thoughts racing through my mind as I scribble with no direction.

Then it happened.

A lightbulb turned into a visual. A visual became the direction I was then running towards. This was the part of creating that lit a fire in me so bright, it would take an ocean of doubt to put it out. It's the urge to do until done. The rush of adrenaline could have me up for days focused on finishing.

Ding!

Rummaging through drawers and skimming racks, there had to be something I could use. Boxes left open and bags unzipped, it looked more like a storage unit than a studio.

Ding!

A trim here, a fold there, potential everywhere. But there was something missing. I needed that wow factor.

Tired of the music, I switched to watching Youtube on my Tv. Scooter James and the other A.L.T. members ended up watching me instead. I may have taken a lingering glance or two to allow my mind to rest. But I was really captured by Dontae Evans' smile.

His teeth could light up a room. I wondered what could make Scooter the most popular gamer out of A.L.T. when Dontae was clearly the best looking.

Oaklynn would disagree only because of her relation to Scooter. Those two could be siblings in an alternate reality. It's sickening.

Ding!

"Okay, it's coming together." I said. I was just getting started, but you couldn't tell me shit.

Then, it hit me.

I rushed to the living room and snatched my phone off my coffee table where I left it. How could I forget? I scrambled around for my tripod that was probably buried under the mess I had spent hours making. And Oaklynn thinks I'll be the best to do this job for her, the irony.

Ding!

Breaking my pact, I checked my phone. Ray; that was probably a whole gallery of Rylee. Oaklynn; that was definitely the itinerary. Facebook; Clearly, this was useless notifications. Tik Tok; This was always someone else's video. For whatever reason. And, a missed few calls from Starz- Starz? Tony had been trying to get a hold of me all night.

"Finally you answer your phone, can you come in tonight?" he said.

"I told you I wasn't coming in today." I checked the time, it was only 8pm."What's going on?"

"We have a VIP customer in with a large entourage. We need all the dancers we can get tonight."

"What celebrity is crazy enough to skip Detroit and go to Muskegon?" He let out a chuckle, but I know he felt some kind way behind that.

"I'm making my money tonight, regardless. The question is; Are you?" My eyes drifted around my studio. I was out of this, running out of that, and I needed to stock up for the future. You know, just in case.

For the past year, I was satisfied with just enough for my bills. Designing will cover the rest. But since Rylee wasn't home, why not?

"Fine, I'll be there around ten." I said, leaving everything where it was.

For my line of work, a shower was mandatory. But the absence of lotion was a requirement. Not a hair was to be out of place, not a face without a pinch of makeup. Don't you dare walk yo big ass up in there with no kitten heels and a bedroom lingerie set. Ready for work, I grab my duffle bag and prepare for a 45 min drive.

A wave of vape smoke hit me in the face walking into the club. Bodies packed the tables and the bar, unlike other Saturday nights. I was expecting to see more drunk hispanic uncles and thirsty white husbands. Don't get me started on the judgmental single black men who liked to preach, then turned around and still got a dance. Like, boy bye.

The place looked like an HBCU fraternity that went on tour and took a pitstop. I scoped the place out, spotting 3 or 4 girls there amongst many customers. Tony wasn't playing when he said he was going to make his money. I'd be a fool to not run this bag up.

"Hey Li," I smiled as I sat my bag down. Whenever I see her, I know the night is gonna be good.

"Hey girl, What you got for me today?" I pulled a bag out of my duffel and handed it to her.

"A few cheap bikini style sets, g-strings, sling shots, and five three-piece sets. Don't sell them for less than a hundo, Li. You sold everything out last time and still came up short, Ion make these for free. Now, what you got for me?"

"Miss Gemini, why you work here? You could have a very bright future." She tucked a stack of money in the top I just tied around my neck.

"See, now you in my business, Li." I laughed, pulling out my makeup. "Besides, look at this body. It was made to entertain these pervs and make them break their necks to spend their savings account on."

"But you're not just an entertainer." She flipped through the pages on her receipt book. "It's been almost a year since I had to buy from my vendor. And I make more money with you."

"So, you want me to be the house mom with you? How much is the club paying you on top of the tips we give you?" I powdered my face and sprayed setting spray.

"See, now you're in my business." we shared a laugh. I ran a flat iron through my lace front before squirting perfume all over my body. Can't forget another dose of deodorant as a finishing touch.

My smile slowly faded as I looked into the vanity mirror. Deep melanin glowed paired with the red fabric. Plump lips puckered in crimson red that matched my pleasers which hugged my ankles in leather. Even my curves served a purpose. Those lashes, the make up, the wig were all part of a facade that put food in my daughter's mouth and a roof over our heads.

It's all fun and games until reality hits you. The moment it stops being about the money, or even surviving. You forget a lot of things when you're on that pole or dancing on a lap. Imagine what you overlook when you're now able to pay your bills in advance and give your daughter a fighting chance at a childhood you would've killed for... Alot.

"Next we have Gemini coming to the stage!" The DJ announced.

"Showtime," I said. I flashed a wink at Li.

The look is just a quarter of what brings the boys to the yard. With modern women dressing like this on a regular basis, a dancer has to sell the fantasy harder. Before, just one look at bare ass would make a nigga stand up. Not anymore,it's about what you do with it. How to tease without coming off as scared or desperate. You have to stay in between.

Swaying my hips to Back Up Off Me by Dej Loaf and Big Sean, I push through the crowd. The tassels on my thigh strings shimmy with my strut. I wanted to turn every head in that club. My hands reached out and rubbed every arm and smiled at every man I saw on my journey to the stage.

The VIP is in direct view of the main stage.With the club being so dark, and I'm not wearing my glasses, I can't see anything that's not in front of the stage. I can barely see the bar. With a squint of my eyes from time to time; I dedicated every split, every jiggle, every pole trick to whoever the mystery man was.

During my last song, I took off my top and threw it towards the VIP. Hoping I'd lure him in. I turned around to shake my ass, just to give him time to reveal himself to me.

"I think you dropped this." A voice said. Bingo, I got action.

Turning around, I look for the face to match the voice. My seductive look turned into disgust when my idea of the man in my mind was manifested into Scooter James.

"Of course," I mumbled. Snatching my top back, I forced a smile.

He carried a crowd to the stage with his presence. Despite my song ending, it was now my time to run this money up. I've never been out of the state, so crowds that big are rare.

As I walked around the pole, the crowd disappeared. It was just me, the music, and the stage. Electricity traveled through my body with every dollar that hit the stage. I was the queen and they were here to bow down.

Crawling towards Scooter, I lick my lips. I roll onto my back, kicking my legs into the air. My fingers rub the front of my thong as I spread my ankles. He lifted up the strap and tucked a stack.

"Come over to the VIP" He whispered in my ear. My stomach turned, grounding me.

Snapping back to reality, I ask for a trash bag from security. Panting while sweat dripped down my face, a grin appeared. My fingers tingled as I stuffed the money in the bag. The urge to just run home right then and count it shook my bones.

"She's back so early?" Li said.

"It's crazy out there." I dropped my money down.

"Wow, who's here tonight?" Taking off my clothes, I rubbed a summer's eve wipe all over my body.

"Scooter James." I rolled my eyes.

"Who?"

"Exactly." I search my duffle for a different outfit. "But all money is green, baby."

"Wouldn't you know?" Another voice entered the room. My eyes raised to see Brooklyn through the mirror. She dropped her designer bag next to my money, and I shoved it away.

"Why am I not surprised to see you?"

"I'm just doing exactly what you came here to do."

"Tony knew better than to call us both. Lemme guess, he called your sidekick too?"

"Oh, you really work here at this busted ass place?" She burst into laughter, pulling her fishnets over her caramel legs. "I'm just here trynna secure my spot with Scooter so I can go with Oaklynn to his birthday stream next weekend. You must've ain't got the memo."

"There's more important things than riding dick to get to the top, sweetheart."

"Mm... I disagree." She perked up her boobs and jiggled them in her hands."It paid for this BBL, my car, my house... I'll say I'm doing pretty good."

"Well, I envy your bliss."

"I'd envy me too if I was your age and didn't have much to show for it but a baby daddy and a dream." She grabbed her money bag, which was 10 times the size of mine. Then she looked at my trash bag. "That's cute."

I pulled my heels off, shoved them in my bag and slipped into my slides. Stuffed my perfume and makeup back into my duffle. Threw it over my shoulder after zipping it up. Then, I grabbed my trash bag. With my head low and eyes foggy, I make my rounds for tips.

"Made enough money for tonight?" Tony said. I handed him the house fee.

"Something like that. Y'all have a good one." I chucked my deuces up and disappeared into the crowd.

Swish, Swish, Swish, goes the dryer. My eyes lit up watching the dollars rise and fall. Suddenly, the emptiness that disturbed me last night was gone. I fiddle with the drawstring on the laundry bag, chewing on the inside of my cheek. Just a few more seconds on the timer. When the anticipated buzzer gives a ring, I hop up. My arms gather all the bills and throw them in the bag. Pulling the drawstring tight, I toted the money to my room looking like Santa on Christmas.

"I got time." I shrugged my shoulders and poured the money on my bed. I straightened every bill and set them in stacks to be counted. A grin crept on my face every time I saw a big bill. If this is what it's like whenever someone famous comes into the club, I just might wanna consider traveling.

Maybe I should've been more like Brooklyn. If I had access to the money she had, maybe I would've done more in my life. I could've, at least, been in a better place than just a safe one. Besides, she doesn't even spend her money the way I would've.

"Shot o'clock!" I hold my breath as the Hennessy burns its way down my throat. Already numb in my extremities, I float around my apartment thumbing through the bills. I had passed the hundreds an hour ago and now I was counting along to the rhythm of Kendrick Lamar's Good Kid M.A.A.D City. Head bobbing, eyes low, bills shuffling. If I smoked, I'd have a cigar between my lips.

"Money trees is the perfect place for shade and that's just how i feel..." I sang along. "...A dollar might just fuck your main bitch. That's just how I feel."

BANG! BANG! BANG!

"Fifty-four twenty-eight, Fifty-four twenty eight..." I repeated as I stumbled to the door.

"Mommy!" Rylee wrapped her arms around me and snuggled her face in my belly.

"Hi, Baby. I missed you!" My heels rolled back, unable to manage the strength of a 5 yr old. "Oh, you're getting so big and strong!" I latched onto my kitchen island, receiving squinted eyes from Ray.

"Rylee, go put your stuff away and get ready for bed." He said.

"Thank you for this. I really appreciate you keeping the court's outta our business and agreeing to the arrangement. Her behavior has changed significantly. She really is a Daddy's Girl too."

"Are you drunk?" His nostrils flared.

"No, I just-" I let out a gasp. "Shit! I lost count."

"Lauryn, you can't be serious right now." He exhaled aggressively through his nose. Clenching his jaw as he glared at me. "You think I'm about to leave my daughter in your presence like this?! Did you forget that today was Sunday?"

"No, I know this looks bad." my body melted onto a barstool. Shaking my head from side to side, my eyes welled up. With a shrug of my shoulders, tears fell. "I just wanted to feel something."

"Looks like you get enough feeling." He scooted some bills over to rest his elbows.

"See, this why I don't talk to yo ass." I snatched them off the counter. "Just leave, I'll have Oaklynn come over."

"I'm staying until she gets here."

"Jasmine would have your head, you know that woman don't fuck with me like that."

"I mean, rightfully so. Not to be disrespectful; What female wants her man around a woman like you?"

"Wow." I pulled my attention to my phone and sent a text to Oaklynn. Ray faded from my peripheral as I scrolled through our messages. "That's funny cause you've dated two other women like me."

"Before you doesn't count."

"Oh! Well, how about during?" I fluttered my eyelashes and rolled my neck.

"Okay, this is getting beside the point."

"Actually, we just getting started." I cleared my throat and slammed my palm down. "I gave you my best years and you're sitting here reaping all the benefits of my sacrifices. That's crazy."

"Are you high too?"

"I'm tired of feeling like I'm not worthy of happiness. I don't wanna look in the mirror and not recognize myself anymore." Salty tears stream down my blank face. "I need a break. Friday, I'm going out of town with Oaklynn for a four day girls trip. Ry will be with my Dad."

"OMW" Oaklynn text back. Raising up, I wipe my cheeks and sniffle. Then I marched to the door and held it open.

"Get out, please."