It was 2018's New Year's Eve party at Big Hit Entertainment. Everyone was colonizing the rooftop of the skyscraper, snickering, interacting and having a good time with one another.

BTS could be seen and heard all over the place; Seokjin's voice could be heard screaming over the music at something that Jungkook, Taehyung and Jimin had done. Hoseok was conversing with some fellow dancers and even some trainees. Yoongi, on the other hand, was drinking in the sideline, hoping he could just go home and sleep already.

Everyone was in their own little world, having fun. And for the leader of this group? He was nowhere to be seen.

“Seokjin, have you seen Namjoon anywhere?” Bang Hyun Sik questioned, scanning over the crowd.

BTS froze in their spot, staring at their phone's time that read 10 pm. Jungkook damped his lips as he looked back up at their boss.

“Hyung said he wasn't feeling well.”

Hyun Sik nodded at the youngest member and sighed in realisation. “How can I forget, tomorrow marks two years? You guys should probably go and see him.”

BTS agreed and bowed before they started to leave the party, on their way to meet their beloved leader.

***

Indeed, Namjoon wasn't feeling well. But it wasn't that he was sick, or was injured, no, the boy was lonely and whenever he felt this emptiness inside him, he had always found himself at the one place where his heart belonged.

He stood in front of an apartment. The apartment of a person who had meant the world to him, the apartment of the person that held his heart. Pulling out the spare keys from the depths of his pocket, Namjoon unlocked and door and entered.

Expecting to be greeted by darkness, his whole body froze at the sight of the brightened up the place. Still, in his frozen state, a voice called out from one of the rooms.

“Namjoon? Is that you?”

“Aaron Hyung?” Namjoon asked breathlessly, tears beginning to form and burn as he refused to let it spill. “Hyung, I didn't know you were back. I'm sorry I should leave.”

Turning on his heels, ready to leave, he was stopped when Aaron had grabbed his arm. “No, wait. I was actually waiting for you. I have some stuff I wanted to discuss with you. Please, have a seat.” Aaron spoke with a soft voice, as he wanted to avoid scaring the younger away.

Namjoon nodded and took a seat on the sofa, waiting for Aaron to continue.

“I came back today to sort things out. It's been 2 years, yet I couldn't face coming here.” Aaron spoke softly as he looked at Namjoon, who avoided eye contact by staring at his feet.

“Namjoon, I'm truly being sorry about everything that happened. I-I'm taking over her youth center and moving to an apartment, close by. I can't live here anymore.”

Namjoon's head snapped up at what Aaron just said with a pained voice. “No! Please, don't sell this place.”

“I would never do that. I transferred it to your name, It's what she wanted. I was sorting her stuff out and found a box addressed to you.” Aaron got up and picked up a box before placing it in front of Namjoon. 

“S-She really did love you. I hope you know that.”

Namjoon looked up at Aaron, who made his way to leave the male alone. “I know hyung. She just didn't love herself, because of her. She loved you too. I-I hope you know you didn't fail her.” Namjoon spoke with his eyes on the box.

Aaron smiled to himself, sadly. “I wish the last part was true. Take care Joon.”

And with that, the door clicked close as he left. Namjoon sat there, staring at the box for what felt like hours before finally opening it. Inside held pictures, items, and notes. The box had contained memories of the two of you, the time you guys had spent together.

His held back tears began to spill out, and he didn't fight it this time. The emptiness spread wings inside him.

“You're a liar, Arty. Why did you lie to me... I kept my promise, why couldn't you.” Namjoon yelled out to himself before amassing himself.

His tears began to dry up, and his eyes landed on a diary in the box with Koalas on the cover. Wiping his face with the back of his hand, Namjoon reached out and picked up the diary to read it. Fresh tears pooled in his eyes as he turned to the first page.

“Dear Rapping Koala,

Namjoon, I don't care how much you hate me calling you that I will always call you that! (Picture me showing you a funny face)”

Namjoon couldn't help but chuckle at the first line, despite the number of tears that rolled down his cheeks.

“If you're reading this, it means I'm dead. I'm truly sorry, Joon, that I left you. I am, no, I was a coward. I took the easy way out, and I'm really sorry. I just wanted it to stop, I wanted the pain to go away. I tried going to all the best doctors, I could find. The treatment and drugs only helped for a while.

But when I'm left alone or with her, it all just came back. I hope you will forgive me, someday. Please, I want you and my brother to know that you guys did not fail me. So please, don't blame yourselves.

It's all me.

I set out to live life to the fullest and as good as I could, but it just didn't work out as planned. I wanted to love myself but couldn't when all they ever had for me was hate. I do love you with all of my heart. I hope someday you will move on and be happy. To live on for me as I could not.

I meant everything I said to you over the years. I have left you a little box to remind you of our time together. Whenever you're sad, read this diary. It has us, pieces of our past, it will help you along the way. Just as we both helped each other over the years.

Promise me you will live on Joonie, and remember when I'm gone, just carry on. Don't mourn but rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice, Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling. And I didn't feel a thing, So, baby, don't feel any pain, Just smile back. Yes, I just quoted Eminem, SUE ME!

At least I got you smiling, that smile I love so much.

Love Arty."

'If only moving on was that easy, baby. But I promise I will try to live on for you, my love.' 

There is a time in life when you expect the world to be always full of new things. And then comes a day when you realise that is not how it will be at all. You see that life will become a thing made of holes. Absences. Losses. Things that were there and are no longer. And you realise, too, that you have to grow around and between the gaps.