Since none of them was actually hungry after the delicious pie, Dean decided to go to bed, hopeful to catch up on some sleep. Charlie and Sam sat down with coffee, and Cas muttered something about angel business, thanked Charlie for their time together and left.

"I have the feeling there's more you wanna tell me," Sam said after a few minutes of silence, to which Charlie nodded.

"Yea, it's about Cas... and Dean" she said. "Cas told me something when you were away, but I think I'm missing out on something. Something that you might know."

"Well," Sam replied. "I think you should start."

Charlie nodded again. "So," she started. "He told me he couldn't give Dean back his memory because he needed to prove himself. He said Dean would only try to protect him more if he knew their past, and how Dean needed to see Cas as 'just a friend'. I have absolutely no idea why but I didn't ask further."

"Ah, I see," Sam said. "Well, there's actually this part of the story you miss, which happened in Heaven. While Dean and I were fighting Metatron, we heard Cas. He was talking to himself, but it wasn't him talking, you see?

It was his voice, but it sounded like someone had imprinted it in Cas' mind and Cas was constantly repeating it. I think it was Metatron's way to torture him.

It sounded horrible, what Cas was saying. I can't get it out of my mind, but I also don't want to ask him to remove it. I think this is just something I need to remember, it gives me the strength to go on." Sam swallowed.

"What he was saying...

'I am worth nothing without my Grace.

All what's happening right now is my fault.

I am a failure and I deserve to be punished.'" He quoted. "That's all we got to hear, but it was enough."

"So if I get this right... Metatron has been telling Cas that he's a worthless creature without his Grace, and that he needs to be punished..."

"... Which he does by not having himself let Dean love him," Sam added. "And that's why he has cleared Dean's memory. He wants to punish himself without hurting Dean. Even when something like that has crept into his mind, he won't hurt his family."

"Well, I can say many things, but that Metatron just seems like an asshole. I hope the other angels are more like Cas," Charlie said. She was suddenly glad she didn't go with Sam and Dean to heaven.

"Some are, most of them aren't, sadly. Gabriel is a really nice guy, though. You should meet him sometimes, but I don't know if he's busy. The other angels are really just 'dicks', as Dean always described them."

It was silent for another minute.

"How is heaven?" Charlie finally asked. She had wanted to know what it was like since forever. "I have actually no idea how all those places look, I've never been to any."

"Be glad," Sam sighed. "It's weird, actually. Me and Dean both have been to hell, to purgatory, and now also to heaven. But heaven is... white. And bright. It's what you would expect from heaven, but it's also not what you would expect from heaven.

We only have seen the part with the cells though, so I can't say much. It was very empty; there was nothing but bright white light and cells. Nothing else. Although, Dean and I have been in heaven before, but that was in fact our own memories."

"I don't think I want to go to heaven unless I die. Do you think I'd go to heaven when I die?"

Sam smiled. "I'm sure you'll go to heaven, you haven't done anything to deserve a place in hell, and purgatory is only for the monsters. However, I think Crowley would like you, but let's just hope you meet him in other circumstances than the usual."

"Well, I have helped you Winchesters, maybe that could arrange me a special meeting with Crowley?" Charlie joked, which led to Sam laughing so hard he almost fell off the couch.

"That's the best thing I've heard in a while, my god. Or should I say my Chuck?" he added, at which they both laughed.

While Sam and Charlie were talking, Dean lay in his bed, not able to sleep again. After two hours of turning and tossing, he decided to call out to Cas.

"Hey Cas, I don't know if you're busy or not, but I need a little favor. Can you please have your feathery ass down to earth?"

He immediately heard the swoosh of wings and the following "hello, Dean".

"Hiya Cas, sorry for bothering you, but I haven't been able to sleep for 2 days already, and its slightly killing me. I don't know if you could do anything?" Dean said, looking guilty.

Dean climbing next to Cas into his bed, wrapping his arms around Cas' waist, whispering a small 'goodnight' before falling asleep

"Yea, I think I can do something for you," Cas replied, ignoring the memory that showed up.

Dean rolling over when Cas climbed into bed. "I waited for you," he said. "I couldn't sleep."

"Just... get ready." Cas turned around.

Dean putting on a new shirt, but not before Cas has admired his chest, stroked all of his scars, whishing he could heal them.

He heard Dean change. "I'm ready," Dean said.

'I'm ready,' Dean said, looking at Cas who was still stumbling with the razor blade. He took the razor blade out of Cas' hand an d shaved the other side of Cas' face

Cas turned around to see Dean lying, looking up at him, expectant but also a little embarrassed. He could feel Dean's longing mind.

Dean laying in bed, holding out his arms for Cas, so Cas can snuggle next to him

Cas stretched out his fingers to Dean's forehead. "I'm gonna put you to sleep, you'll probably sleep for 10 hours, if that's alright with you." The longing became stronger with every second.

Cas waking up in the morning, seeing Dean wake up, stretch and reach out to him. To Cas.

Dean nodded and when Cas put his fingers on Dean's forehead, Dean's eyes closed. The longing didn't stop.

Dean not being able to sleep, Cas silently touching Dean's forehead. "I wish I could help you," he said. "You being here is enough," Dean said back, and kissed him.

Cas looked at Dean sleeping, adjusted the covers and then turned away. He walked out of the room and closed the door.

He could easily fly, but he decided to walk though the bunker. It was all silent; Sam and Charlie had probably gone to bed too. he sat on the couch and stared at the empty coffee mugs they had left on the table.

The longing hadn't stopped.

This went on for a few weeks. Dean not being able to sleep, and Cas fixing it for him.

The longing never stopped.

Neither did the memories.

Sam and Dean went on hunts, sometimes they took Cas with them, but most of the times, Cas stayed behind with Charlie. They became very good friends, and Charlie even got him so far that he would let her polish his nails.

When Dean and Sam came back, Dean only huffed and murmured something about "that doesn't even look too bad," to which Charlie immediately asked if she could polish Dean's nails too.

"Sorry kiddo, but that ain't happening. Never." Only to wake up the next day with nails in the colors red, pink, blue, green and orange. He tried the puppy eyes for Cas, but they almost worked, until Charlie snapped them out of their trance by yelling "no".

The nail polish was on Deans nails for a whole day; until he had found out he could scratch it off. He spent 2 hours scratching his nails while glaring at Sam, Cas and Charlie.

Those were the good days, the days were they were able to be happy and not think about what was happening.

On bad days, Dean was silent, tired and moody. He still couldn't sleep well without Cas' help, and the feeling of missing something became stronger with every day passing. On those days, Dean felt sorry for the people around him.

They all tried to help Dean as much as they could, but sadly, they couldn't do much. As long as Dean didn't know what was missing, no one could help him, not even himself. However, he was so thankful for Cas. When he couldn't sleep, he would call Cas, and Cas always helped him.

Cas had always been there for him.

When they first met, Dean had thought of him as a dick. All angels were dicks, Dean was sure of it. But when Cas actually started to help on hunts, and saved both Dean and Sam's lives more than once, Dean had realized how good of a friend Cas was.

Because Cas had a choice. He was an angel, and heaven did not tell him to help the Winchesters. And yet, Cas was always there when Dean needed him. Not only did he save Dean's life, he made Dean happy. It wasn't the same as with Sam. Of course, Sam made him happy too, but it wasn't the same.

Cas made him laugh by just being Cas. By being an angel of the Lord who could smite everything, but who was scared shitless when a woman came up to him. Cas, who needed help on human manners.

And even when Cas had been human, he was there for Dean. Cas himself thought otherwise, but in the time when Charlie wasn't around, Cas had brought a lot of peace in Dean's life. He made Dean actually get out of bed and make breakfast. He needed to learn more about humanity than he had ever needed to know, and Dean was the one to help him with that.

Their trip to the grocery store, to the mall, everything, and it was all so... human. During that time, it was almost as if he wasn't a hunter, as if he hadn't been to hell and purgatory, as if everything just didn't exist and he and Cas were just normal humans like everyone else.

It was almost, almost, as if Dean felt something more for Cas. But he didn't.

He couldn't.

"Cas," Sam said.

Cas looked up. It was 2am and he and Sam were sitting in the library. "What's it?" he asked.

"This needs to stop."

Cas didn't reply. He knew exactly what Sam was talking about. Dean needed his memories, he needed to know what had happened between him and Cas. He deserved it.

"I can't," Cas whispered. "I'm sorry, Sam, but I can't."

This was one of the times Sam was happy Cas had been human. Now, Cas understood emotions and he was able to express himself without having to explain what exactly he meant every time. But Sam was still a human. And Sam always had emotions.

And now, Sam was angry.

"Then tell me why! Tell me why you can't do it; tell me what is holding you back! I want to help, Cas, but I can't do it of you don't tell anything. Dean is my brother. And right now, he has problems, because he misses his memories. And I can't help him.

I know you're having a hard time too, but this is killing me too. In all those years, I've never been able to do so little for him, and it sucks. I want my brother back, Cas. And I'm sure you want Dean back too."

Cas was silent. Suddenly he lifted up his head a little as if he listened to something. When he disappeared, Sam assumed someone had prayed for him. When Cas appeared back 10 minutes later he only looked more miserable.

"Dean's longing is reaching further and further. I feel it all day," he announced.

Sam's jaw reached the floor. "You have been putting him to sleep? You rather use your grace to get him to sleep than actually being there for him?!"

Cas only nodded, looking at the floor. He knew it had been wrong not telling it to Sam, but Dean hadn't told him either. He didn't wanna make Dean angry by telling Sam.

"He asked me to help him. He wanted this, Sam," he replied.

"If he knew there was another way, he wouldn't want it. I just don't understand it, you two were so happy together, I haven't seen Dean that happy in years. Why wouldn't you want that back?" Sam hesitated before finally asking "Is it because of what Metatron did to you?"

Cas looked at him. "Charlie told you, didn't she?" he only asked, to which Sam nodded. "Yes. It is because of what he has done. He imprinted things in my brain and I can't... I can't ignore them. Even if I wanted to, I can't."

"Isn't there a way to forget about them?" Sam asked.

"Don't you understand? I need to remember them. Metatron made me remind myself all I have done wrong. I have rebelled against heaven, Sam. I can't just forget that, and neither can the other angels. Now that I'm an angel again, I need to do what's right. I need to serve the Lord."

"And Chuck can't forgive you for what you did? He has seen all that you and Dean have done for each other, he knows both of you," Sam said, but Cas shook his head.

"Chuck is his human form, with a human brain. When he takes the form of God, everything changes. He once said he really wanted to forgive me, but he can't. God is so powerful, and his mind is set on doing things right, which means I have to finish a lot of tasks before he will reset my mind," Cas explained.

"I'm sorry, Sam, I really am," and with that, Cas disappeared, leaving Sam in the library.

A/N okay so that was pretty sad again oops I'm sorry (am I?) If it makes you feel any better: it hurt for me too while i wrote it :(

Also, the end of this fic is in sight and I really don't wanna ??¿ I will miss it when I'm done omg