—the funeral was today.

when yoongi woke up, surrounded by warm bodies, he felt so numb.

the man who he was half of, the man he used to love, and the one who he would affectionately call 'dad' when he was younger, was dead. he died. yoongi will never be able to tell him goodbye.

but, at the same time, yoongi couldn't help but resent the man. he had brutally abused yoongi in the past. the scars from his abuse were still marked into yoongi's skin. and, those scars would continue to be etched into yoongi's skin forever. they will never fade.

and although yoongi wanted to be very positive and say 'my scars don't define me' like he sees those women on instagram write, that would be a dirty lie. his scars do define him. they mark his abusive past, his struggle with depression and self-love, and even his eating disorder. when yoongi gazes at his scars, he sees a past full of darkness. nothing could change that.

so all yoongi could do was stare up at the ceiling and dread the day that was to come.

he slowly started to get ready. the funeral wasn't until two in the afternoon, so yoongi had a lot of time to prepare and get emotionally ready for the event.

while his amazing boyfriends were sleeping, yoongi was pacing around the living room at six in the morning. he had already had his morning coffee; calorie free with no sugar or cream, his mind added. it seemed as though going back to sleep was not an option.

a creaking sound from the wooden floorboards awoke yoongi from his inner turmoil. he was greeted by the sight of jungkook's big, bunny eyes staring at him.

"hey, baby." jungkook's light airy voice filled the silence in the living room. the other definitely looked very concerned for him, but he couldn't find it in himself to care. yoongi felt so numb.

jungkook sighed, feeling hopeless. usually yoongi wore his emotions on his sleeve. you could tell when he was sad, or if he was excited. if he was sad, yoongi would lock himself up in his room and curl up in their large king sized bed. if he was excited, he would wear that dazzling gummy smile. but now, yoongi's face was blank. jungkook felt so cold just staring at the other.

nonetheless, jungkook had a job to do. it was obvious today would be very stressful for yoongi, and jungkook needed to be by his side. he had to be there for anything yoongi needed.

sucking up his anxiety, jungkook walked over to where yoongi was standing. he wrapped his strong arms around the others petit body, trying to warm him up as much as possible. no words needed to be spoken.

the message was clear—jungkook would be there for yoongi. always.

soon after their hug, jungkook was able to drag the kitten-like male back into bed. he moved yoongi right in the middle, almost knocking seokjin off the bed while trying to make room.

jungkook felt yoongi's arm grab out for him. the other took his arm and wrapped it around his waist. again, no words needed to be spoken. it was obvious how much they loved each other, and it was even more obvious how much they relied on each other.

yoongi surprisingly fell into a deep slumber.

...

"thank you all for attending and taking time out of your schedule to come here. i'd like to take this time to talk about min chulsoo. he was—" the priest was speaking almost robotically, as though these words were a part of his daily life. they probably were, yoongi mused.

him and his boyfriends had all showed up for the funeral at around one in the afternoon. after many panic attacks, yoongi was able to leave the apartment looking presentable. but, he could still feel the itch underneath his skin. the feeling of wanting to puke and run away at the same time.

still, yoongi had made a promise. he would come to this funeral, and that would be the last time he ever had to see anything related to his past. reluctantly, yoongi had entered the funeral home.

he had recognized some business partners of his father. he also saw some uncles and aunts with tears in their eyes, and weeping cousins. while glancing at all these familiar people, it brought back painful memories from his childhood; something he wanted to forget.

but nothing could compare to when he saw his mother.

her eyes seemed to be ingrained with a pinkish red color, most likely from all the crying. her cheeks were stained from her tears, and her frail hands were locked onto a tissue at all times. she would occasionally blow her nose and say her thanks to all the people who showed up. but yoongi felt no sympathy. from all the years he had suffered by her hand and her mouth, yoongi couldn't find it in himself to feel any sort of compassion for this evil woman. he certainly felt no guilt.

many people, relatives and acquaintances, all expressed their grief towards his fathers passing. they said, 'if you need anything, we're always here for you' and 'we're sorry for your loss.'

and yoongi couldn't hate them. he couldn't just yell out and say, 'this man abused me!' for one, barely anyone would believe him. min chulsoo made sure his abusive, evil side was only directed towards his son and wife. he had never slipped up in front of colleagues nor relatives, so it was safe to presume they all thought he was an amazing man that could do no harm.

second, even though his father was a bastard, he was still yoongi's father. people looked up to him, they loved him, and yoongi didn't want to be the person who bursted their bubble. he wanted his father's soul to be at rest, even though he shouldn't. he should want to make him suffer and to make people hate him, even though he is dead, but yoongi felt no need to do so. truthfully, yoongi was so fed up with this whole event. he wanted to go home, be in bed, and sleep.

his mother had said some words. she had a whole paper ready, but when it came time for the actual speech, she seemed to completely ignore it. eunji spoke right from her heart. she spoke of how this man was her everything, how sad she was over his death, and how much of a kind man he was. it left a bitter taste in yoongi's mouth.

throughout the whole speech, yoongi had both his hands locked in place with namjoon and hoseok, the two who were right next to him. off to the side, his other boyfriends looked at him with sympathy. they tried their best to make yoongi feel as comfortable as possible and yoongi appreciated that.

at the end of eunji's speech, yoongi was startled when his name was suddenly announced.

"i would like for chulsoo's only son to say some words as well." she refused to make any direct eye contact with yoongi. her eyes stayed glued to the floor.

yoongi's whole world seemed to stop for a few seconds. he couldn't breathe. he couldn't speak.

and then the deep hatred for his mother was roaring back at him, fiercer and more ferocious than ever. she wanted him to suffer. she wanted to see him panic.

as namjoon was ready to protest, yoongi suddenly got up out of his seat. he faintly smiled at his mother and even if she didn't look at him directly, yoongi hoped she saw.

ignoring the anxiety curling in his stomach, yoongi walked up to the podium. his mother made sure to exit using the opposite side that yoongi was walking on.

when finally having the attention of every single occupant in the room, yoongi spoke,

"hello ladies and gentlemen. thank you for coming here and grieving with me and my mother. it has definitely been hard on all of us...i just wanted to say a few words about my father. i know most of you viewed him as a man who could do no harm, and someone who loved his family dearly, but behind that perfect mask, min chulsoo was brutally abusing his family. i don't care if you believe my words, but i'm sick and tired of lying to everyone. min chulsoo was a terrible man and deserves to rot in hell...and i hope my mother joins him. she's a deceptive woman who allowed her husband to abuse their teenage son. she had many chances to leave, but instead, she stayed with my father and continued to overlook the abuse of her son. and, i'd like to tell you mom; fuck you. fuck you for trying to make me weak. fuck you for trying to silence me. and finally, fuck you for being a coward and deciding to love a man more than your own blood."

yoongi immediately left the podium and walked out of the funeral home with his smiling boyfriend's following, leaving every single person shocked behind him.

yoongi felt as though a huge weight was lifted off his shoulders.

instead of the usual numb feeling, yoongi felt a little bit of sunshine peek through his heart.

the process of healing has only just began, but yoongi already feels better.

no matter what, he would learn to love himself.

...

one last closing chapter left...