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"When I agreed to go, I didn't think we'd end up here." Joy chuckled softly as she peered at the surroundings around them.  

They were on the hospital roof. The stars were brighter than he expected, scattered across the velvety black sky like a thousand tiny promises. The city below was muted, its usual noise softened to a distant hum. A cool breeze whispered across the rooftop, carrying the faint scent of rain.

"Can you tell I panicked?" He breathed out, not willing to admit that he wasn't exactly too calm about this.

"A little bit," Joy said as she leaned on a railing her back against the concreate.

Lucas could feel Joy's gaze linger on him, but he couldn't bring himself to meet her gaze. If he did, he was sure Joy would look away. Call him selfish but he wanted her to look at him again. It had been so long since they were alone together, and it felt like so much had changed. She was hiding so many things, he was stable on his feet again and yet he just wanted things to be like it always used to be. Maybe there wasn't much room in her heart for Lucas but could she give what she could? 

That was beside the point. They weren't here for some depressing moment. They both had enough of the depressing vibe. Not that they could do much to stop it but they could at least try, right?

"So," Joy drummed her fingers on her sides, deciding to break the awkward silence for the sake of it. "What now?"

"What now?" Lucas repeated softly.

"Yeah, you did bring me here with you," Joy pointed out. "Do you have a plan?"

"Not really," He said sheepishly, averting his gaze in front of him. "You?"

"You're something else, Lucas," Joy shook her head, leaning back with that same, stupid smile on her lips.

Lucas walked over beside her but they didn't stand for long before plopping down on the floor, their backs still pressed against the concreate of the railings. 

"You know how to make me feel better," Joy chuckled lightly, eyes fixated on the sky above, the stars screaming with light.

"I try," He murmured, his gaze falling on her. On her faint scar peeking out from beneath her collarbone. On how paler she looked than usual. "You deserve it though."

"I deserve it?" Joy arched an eyebrow, her eyes still in the sky. She didn't look at him, Lucas noticed.

"Well, yeah," He snorted, trying to play it off. He was forcing himself to ignore how his heart roared in his ears, making him aware he was alive whether he liked it or not. But since it was Joy he didn't mind it. Didn't mind being alive. Didn't mind feeling this incredible euphoria. Didn't mind getting lost in this utopia.

"You're always there for me," He stammered softly. "It's only fair someone's there for you too."

"You sure you want to be that person?" She asked wryly.

"I want to try," He shrugged, swallowing thickly. He willed himself to meet her gaze, even if his heart was throbbing uncontrollably and the flutter in his stomach left his stomach in giddy shambles. "I want to try to be that person."

"Wow," She spoke out nervously. "That's a first."

"A first?" His brows furrowed, his shoulders slumping. Joy nodded.

"The first time someone's meant it," She said bluntly, smiling wistfully as she stared in front of her.

"Are you really okay?" He asked.

"Are we ever really okay?" She murmured.

"No," He replied. "Not really. Not completely."

"That's right," She hummed, leaning back in the concrete. "We'll never be complete if you think about it. Does that idea scare you?"

"Well, a lot of things scare me," He scoffed. "I just don't have the time to dwell on it. And I'm pretty sure I'm not going to be in a pit of worms anytime soon."

"Worms? Lucas, really?" She snorted, shoulders shaking as she let out a gentle laugh.

"What?" He frowned. "Worms are horrifying."

"You're afraid of worms. That's the same energy as saying 'I'm afraid of cooties'."

"Cooties?" His nose wrinkled.

"I don't know," She said. "My head's mush. I feel like mush."

"So you decide to engage in philosophical conversation?" He didn't know where this was going.

"I took a philosophy class once," She ignored him. "Wanted to sound all smart and sophisticated, but then I ended up using it as humor."

"In conclusion, you were an actual dumbass," At that, her lips twitched into a small grin.

"I am still a dumbass."

"Well, you are sometimes but not all the time," He said. "Joy, are you okay?" He repeated this time with a little more push. Joy shrugged yet again, carding her free hand through her tangled hair.

"I'm fine. I-I just— I don't know," She sniffled. "I'm not crying." She added quickly after, "It's allergies."

"You don't need to clarify that," He sighed.

"Felt like I had to."

"You do you."

"But to answer your question again with some due consideration," Joy continued, "I am not. I don't think I am. I just feel incomplete. And I feel like mush." She sniffled again and muttered a soft 'allergies' to clarify.

"I'm sorry about that." The words slipped past his lips before he could stop himself. He winced, cursing his inability to comfort people. Luckily, Joy didn't seem to mind or care.

He wasn't an expert in that department. Whenever someone cried or poured their heart to him, he'd zone out halfway and say something along the lines of "that sucks" before changing the topic.

He didn't know how Joy did it. Being there for people wasn't an easy task. It was difficult to tell if you were comforting someone or making them feel worse. But he wanted to try, even if there was a chance he'd fail. He didn't want to change the topic or give some bad, generic condolences because she mattered to him.

Everything about her did. She didn't deserve anything less, and even though Lucas would never be enough, he wanted to give her something. Something was better than nothing.

And right now, by the looks of it, Joy had nothing.

"Me too," She whispered after some time, voice thick and heavy. "I'm sorry about it too."

Lucas studied Joy closely, noticing her eyes were rimmed with red and her nose splotched with a similar color. He wondered if she was the type to cry, and if she was, she didn't seem too proud about it. He watched as she swiped at her eyes with the back of her palm, her breaths coming out in staggered angry exhales.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" He suggested softly.

"What's there to talk about? My shitty boyfriend? My parent's being assholes? Or the fact that I haven't properly slept in weeks?" She spat out, bitterness lacing each word.

Lucas's voice got trapped inside his throat. Another reminder that he never truly knew her, but it was best to cast that ugly selfishness aside.

"Joy." Lucas started, but he was instantly interrupted as Joy sat up straight. Though it wasn't long before she leaned forward, burying her face behind her hands.

She turned her head to the side, leaving Lucas to stare at her unruly raven hair. "I-I'm sorry."

"You sure you don't wanna talk about it?" He suggested again softly. There wasn't any anger or curiosity or sympathy lacing his voice. His tone was understanding as if he was trying to understand her before concluding.

"I don't wanna burden you, Lucas," She stressed, words trembling. "My problems? I-I can't just hand them to you. It's not fair to you, and I-I don't wanna waste—,"

"Whoa," He cut her off. "You didn't waste my time at all." She craned her neck to meet his gaze, the pain evident in her dark eyes. 

"I didn't? Are you sure?" She whispered. Lucas shook his head, reaching over and placing his hand on her back, chest squeezing at the heat that seeped onto his ice-cold palm.

"If you did, we wouldn't even be friends," He joked, hoping it was enough to ease her just a little. Perhaps even make her smile. At that, she nose scrunched and she hid her face again, shaking her head.

"That's right," She chuckled, though the sound was hollow. Empty. "You're right."

"I'm here for you, y'know," He cleared his throat, unsure what to do with his hand now that it was on her back. "Same way you were there for me. I just... I just want you to know that."

She sniffled yet again, "I appreciate it." She managed to lift her head and flash a trembling smile. "Thanks."

"No problem," He said, deciding it was best to pull his hand away. Joy eventually sat up and stared out into the empty roof where the skies above them darkened, a cluster of gray clouds littering the sky.

Neither of them said a word, and Lucas wasn't sure if the lack of answers or an actual conversation that wasn't just jokes was a problem. It was like Joy swept it under the rug all over again as if her emotions didn't matter. But at the same time, he felt like she was teasing him, allowing him to foolishly believe he could get the chance to know her only for her to snatch that opportunity away without any remorse.

There was a gap between them, Lucas thought. A gap he couldn't cross because Joy simply wouldn't let him over.

He supposed it was stupid of him to even think like that, Joy choosing not to confide in him was valid. And yet, his chest ached for a completely different reason. Something he couldn't quite name dug into his heart. It kept digging and digging until it pierced the muscle, and it wasn't long until he sunk back, suddenly feeling small. Unwelcomed.

The bucket list they made was merely a paper bridge. It could break and crumble easily with just a few steps and they were dancing in it waiting for it to fall.

"Look," He said calmly. "It's about to pour." Right as the words escaped past his lips, the trickle of rain started splattering. 

"Great," She said dryly, throat incredibly tight. Lucas didn't reply. Instead, his hand found its way to his crutches.

"Hey. What are you doing?" She asked, confused.

"We're going to complete your bucket list," He answered after standing up straight holding a hand out for Joy to hold. "You wanted to dance in the rain, right?"

"Yeah but," Joy immediately shut her mouth when her gaze met Lucas's.

"Fine, let's complete it," She gave in, shrinking once more.

"Great!" The enthusiasm in Lucas's voice could have sounded more genuine, "Let's do that then."

You're not going to tell me anything, huh? Lucas forced out a small smile looking at Joy. It wasn't only Joy who was feeling like mush anymore.

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Lucas leaned heavily on his crutches, his legs aching from the climb. He should've been focused on the pain, but the pain was muted out when his eyes fixed on Joy. The rain started as a faint drizzle, the kind that didn't yet soak but promised it would. They were protected by the concrete, the drops falling and disappearing in front of them. The stars that had shone so brightly earlier were now muted, veiled by the thick, gray clouds rolling in.

Lucas couldn't shake off the bitterness bursting inside of his chest, the gravity of their previous conversation lingering in the back of his mind. He stayed put in his tracks, solemn eyes meeting her. He gave her a questioning look, silently asking if she was okay and hoping she would give him an answer.

And she did. Somewhat. He took her hand in his. His cold hand enveloped Joy's, making his breath hitch in his throat. He squeezed her hand lightly, the hesitance in his trembling fingers being overlooked by her. 

With that, he took her silence as approval to get out from the protection of the concreate to the fizzling rain. A gust of cool air billowed through his hair as they both walked to the center of the roof where there was nothing in sight than the pouring rain and the empty floor. 

It was cold. So unbearably cold that the coldness of his hand mixed into the hazy gray atmosphere. Joy tilted her head back, feeling the splatter of icy rainwater peak her cheeks.

"If only we had music, right?" Lucas teased. It was a shabby attempt to ease the tension but it was still an attempt. Although, she said nothing, continuing to let the rain drench her clothes and plaster her hair to her forehead.

Lucas ripped his gaze to where Joy stood by his side. She was soaked, her shirt clinging to her body, and her raven hair was dark akin to the skies. She was staring at him, face gaunt and her eyes drowsy. Her cheeks and nose were also a bright rosy red.

Lucas wondered if he looked the same. Small. Tired. Defeated. But even so, since when did they begin to look like this?

"Wanna dance?" Joy offered, her voice nearly drowned out by the pouring rain but it was enough to pull him away from his drowning thoughts.

He glanced down at their hands. "I want to," He murmured.

"Then what's stopping us?"

"I can barely stand without these, and you want me to—"

Joy didn't let him finish before, she took his hand, placing it on her waist letting the crutches fall on the ground not caring about the consequences. She drew him closer to her, their bodies pressed against one another. 

A shiver rippled through his veins, throughout his body when he felt her hand hold his shoulder, her grip firm and steady while another hand held Lucas's spare hand, the small ink on their hands matching up. 

Their movements were messy, almost comical in their clumsiness. This was the closest they have ever been, but even so, were they ever close to begin with? Lucas could feel Joy against him, it still felt like there was this sort of distance, this gap. 

He could feel her heart throb against his own, though it was offbeat, always beating a little after his. It was a weary beat; a beat that didn't match his own.

"You know, people would think we are ridiculous. If anyone sees us that is," He murmured once they began to move, letting out a laugh that sounded more like a pained exhale.

"Who cares?" She whispered back, her lips close to his ears. "They're probably just jealous."

"Jealous about what?" He asked, teeth slightly chattering.

"Jealous they don't get to dance with you in a storm."

He sealed his eyelids shut the moment those words left Joy's lips, and his arms tightened around her waist. It sounded so genuine, so raw, and yet he couldn't bring himself to enjoy the little flutter in his stomach. Couldn't when her genuine words alienated him in a way that extended that invisible gap between them.

"Really?" He breathed out. 

"Really," She said. They continued to sway in place; their feet were never really in sync and neither were their hearts. Their hearts, as it seemed, were beating for different purposes, different reasons.

"Are you just saying that?" He asked, shivering again. This time, it was more violent than the last, and he ended up pressing his body closer to Joy.

She held him tighter as if that did anything. In fact, in this proximity, he wanted to laugh again at the faux intimacy, the forced genuineness that she expressed. Their bodies, although pressing up against one another's, didn't align anymore.

Nothing about them matched up, but why— why didn't he want to accept it?

You couldn't fit two different puzzle pieces together even by sheer force. They were two different pieces laid together trying to match up with each other with force waiting for one end to break.

But he wanted this to work. He wanted to be selfish or to find some stupid loophole just so he could feel something. Feel wanted. Feel capable of being loved. Feel capable of loving. And he did. For a little. But now? He wasn't so sure anymore.

Was he making something out of nothing, or was there just nothing, to begin with?

He didn't realize they were making memories when he was living his best times. Now that it was close to an end, the desperation to relive grew. It was funny Lucas was ready to relive this pain just so he could know what other way they could end. But deep inside he knew all too well that things would always end the same way. Like this.

"I mean it," She added. He sighed. Words were merely meaningless syllables when they weren't said to your face.

"Joy?" He pulled back, forcing himself to meet her gaze. She raised an eyebrow at him, but for some reason, her face was a blur. Nothing more, nothing less than a gray haze. He blinked again to see it was the same result. Was it always like this?

"Yeah?" She murmured, gaze reluctantly meeting his. There was always some hesitation. Lucas wasn't an idiot.

"Do you really mean it?" He repeated with a sense of urgency in between every violent chatter of his teeth. Though he wasn't sure what answer he was searching for.

"Mean what?" Joy's eyes flitted down to his lips as he leaned forward, his mouth a fragment away from meeting her own. He was torn. Part of him wanted to do it, to feel her again. But the other half knew the truth. Knew this was a desperate attempt to find something.

"Tell me you like me," Lucas murmured, his hands finding their way to the side of her neck. His fingers splayed over the muscle, his palms stinging feeling the throb of her heartbeat beneath his touch. Tell me that we're something.

"I like you," She answered softly. She said it, and yet she was still holding her breath. It was the answer he wanted, but why? Why did he feel so incomplete? So heavy?

Exhaling unevenly, he pressed his forehead against Joy's, feeling his heartbeat falter in the empty cavern of his chest as their swaying slowed. Her hand was warm against his shoulder, her breath mixing with his as it came faster, softer.

"Okay."

"Okay?" The skin between her brows creased with confusion.

Lucas said nothing, instead, his fingers cupped the side of her jaw and he slowly sealed the distance between them with her gaze never once leaving his features but this time it wasn't the same. 

Please kiss me back, his mind relentlessly begged as his cold lips trembled against hers. But she didn't kiss him back. To think that the most intimate of things felt nothing more than a generic, meaningless gesture. Fuck. 

He kissed her harder, begging, heart aching, shattering. He was reaching for nothing but, how he wished there was just something to save because he swore... he swore there was something so where did it go? 

Eventually, Lucas pulled away and Joy didn't move. She just looked at him, her expression unreadable, her lips slightly parted. She said nothing. There wasn't anything to say. No apology. No light joke to ease the mood.

The rain fell harder now, drenching them both as they stood there, the silence between them louder than any thunder. Lucas felt like the world had tipped off its axis, like everything he'd been holding onto had slipped through his fingers.

There was nothing left, for the answer was already there, evident underneath the gray downpour.

And yet, even as the ache threatened to swallow him whole, a small, desperate, stupid part of him still couldn't let go.

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