***

[ T <•> I ]

I: you don't just say ok to any criminal who offers you coffee, understand? Because if you do, you will end up getting abducted. Again.

T: not even if it's Red Hood?

I: well, maybe he's the only exception.

T: quick question though, why are you never pissed off at Hood?

I: because he's cool.

T: how do you know?

I: so there was one time I was passing by Crime Alley and Red Hood was helping a homeless family by smuggling them some food and blankets. That was very sweet of him.

T: that homeless family could be operating under a mobster, y'know.

I: I don't care, they needed help that time and that's what they got.

T: so you mean to say you didn't stop Hood?

I: nope, I helped him smuggle more food and blankets.

I: we're best buddies now.

***

[ T <•> J ]

J: I think you guys are getting worried about the new vigilante for no reason.

T: yeah right, like you were totally not the one who thought she was working under the Penguin.

T: or for Black Mask.

J: fine I admit, I thought she was a hoax at first.

T: and what made you change your mind now?

J: I befriended her.

T: fuck no.

J: why are you so surprised? She's okay, I guess. And great at smuggling food out of the supermarket.

T: I'm warning you, Todd, do not make her get involved in your crime sprees or else I'll tell Bruce.

J: oh yeah, I dare you then, Babybird.

***

J: what the fuck, Tim? I swear I'll tear you off from one limb to another.

T: that would apply only if you find me, loser.

J: where the fuck are you?

T: I packed my stuff and moved out.

T: because I could totally see this coming.

***

[ T <•> I ]

I: don't tell me, are you getting jealous of Red Hood?

T: nope. Not at all.

I: Tim, you suck at lying.

T: I'm not lying.

I: yes, you are.

T: I mean... You used to be my friend, Ren.

I: I still am.

T: you prefer Hood more nowadays.

I: awww, you crying, Timmy boo?

T: no.

I: hey, don't feel so belittled. You are you and Hood is Hood. I can manage having two friends at the same time.

***

T: turns out Lex Luthor has a daughter.

I: and how does that concern me?

T: a genius daughter.

I: okay...

T: I sneaked into her test lab today and saw that she's working on stuff which looks very familiar to what you use on patrol.

I: how could you sneak into her test lab, you stealthy little shit?

T: I may or may not have hacked the security system on its entrance? She does have an extremely easy password though.

T: its Thorulena.

I: no it's not. Passwords on lab entrances are in digits.

T: exactly. 846785361. Though bugs me how you'd know that.

I: I dare you to step off LexCorp's roof right now. Or else I'm coming over to tell Luthor's daughter that you've stolen her secret inventions.

***

T: I'm disappointed.

I: why?

T: you didn't come. I was waiting.

I: and you had also not been replying to my messages for two days so I guess we're even.

T: it's a matter of I could not rather than I intentionally did not.

I: where were you?

T: in a hospital.

I: why?

T: I did the dare.

***

I: what the absolute fuck, Timothy! Are you really that brain dead?

T: I could have been dead but guess it wasn't my time yet, most unfortunately. It was fun while it lasted though, I yelled yeet while sliding down. Then broke my leg afterwards.

I: why do I get the feeling that you're lying?

T: because I am.

I: tell me truthfully what happened then.

T: Damian took me out for a drive and slammed the car into a truck.

I: holy shit, Tim, why did you go with him when you clearly know he's underage?

T: he will be taking his driving test next week so Richard thought it would be great for him to practice.

I: and he slammed the car? Looks like he shouldn't be taking the test anytime soon.

T: oh no no no, you don't get it. Damian knows how to drive.

T: he smashed the car from my side intentionally. And I might have broken a lot of bones but the gremlin is still pissed that I didn't die.

***

I: why didn't you break your fingers?

T: so I could still text you.

I: I was downright angry at you for being such a moron but damn, you're too adorable for your own good.

T: shall I expect a visit from you tonight or am I going to die in my prison of self isolation?

I: leave the window open and maybe I might drop in.

T: I'll deactivate the security system too but it will be for just a couple minutes so you better be fast.

I: sure, whatever you say. Do you want me to bring you something? Chocolate? Flowers? Anything?

T: nope, just you would be more than enough.

T: on second thoughts, can you bring some coffee?

I: I'm at Starbucks, would that suffice?

T: you really are my hero, Ren.

***

I: if you don't get well soon, you'll be attending the New Year's party in a wheelchair.

T: I hope I don't get well at all so that I can ditch it altogether.

T: with a valid excuse.

***

I: great, you're up and about again.

T: my boss called last night and threatened to fire me if I didn't show up. So of course I had to quit the act.

I: who's your boss?

T: Irina Luthor.

T: though how do you know that I'm finally on my feet?

I: a little birdie told me.

T: who?

I: your boss.

T: what the fuck is that supposed to mean?

I: you better focus on that report or else you'll still get fired.

T: are you an intern at LexCorp too, because I might have some suspicions.

I: shut up and go back to your work, you lazy piece of garbage.

***

T: this is it.

I: what?

T: the day of eternal doom.

I: pardon?

T: the night of intolerable disasters.

I: what the fuck is wrong with you?

T: it's the New Year's party tonight.

T: and most unfortunately, you're not going to whisk me away instead.

I: oh come on, it won't be that bad.

T: says the thirteenth fairy who finally got invited.

I: watch your mouth, Timato, before I sew it shut for eternity.

***

I: where the fuck are you?

I: Tim?

I: I swear if you've gotten yourself abducted again, I won't be coming after you. Can't ruin this ballgown.

I: hey!

I: if you won't answer in five minutes, I'll have to find you and you will regret it.

I: TIMOTHY!!!

I: JACKSON!!!

I: DRAKE!!!

I: fuck, you really got abducted, didn't you?

I: or have you gone to the rooftop...?

I: of course you're at the rooftop, you stealthy little shit.

***

T: Dear Ren, I may not know who you are but I have begun to like you. A lot. You have been a great friend and helped me out through my troubles. I just want to tell you that you're a great person and I admire you for everything you've done for me and this city.

***

I: you do understand that I hadn't taken advantage of you, right?

T: what? When?

I: At New Year's Eve.

T: out of all the times I could have been drunk and I chose that one... Such a shame.

I: you mean you don't remember...? Okay then, good night.

T: Wait up.

I: what now?

T: was I a bad kisser?

I: no, you were actually one of the best I've ever had. (This message has been deleted)

T: next time if you do take advantage of me, make sure I'm at least sober enough to remember it.

I: I said I hadn't taken advantage of you, Timothy!

***