Chapter 6_

Sunset

I didn't know how many times I've paced across my room. So many thoughts were running around my head that I thought I was going crazy. One moment I was regretting that I basically agreed talking to him, and another moment I was reasoning that what I did was right. And then I tried to form scenarios in my head, in what things he might say and how the conversation might go, and tried to come up with what and how to respond to each and every one of it. However, my mind was just in such a frenzy that I wasn't able to come up with anything, and I had no freaking idea what I would say to him.

I glanced down at my phone and cursed under my breath. Ten minutes. Tao probably had been waiting at the rooftop for ten minutes already.

What? Don't judge me. I'm going through a dilemma here, alright? I've been so focused on avoiding him that I hadn't really reached the point on what to do in case we do talk again. This was all so sudden, so the least thing I could do was think of how not to make a fool of myself in front of him, but I guess it's too late for that now.

Taking in a deep breath, I pocketed my phone and finally headed out of the apartment, clenching and unclenching my fists in an attempt to tone down my anxiety. However, every step I took up the stairs towards the rooftop only made my heart beat faster and faster, and as I reached the door--the only thing keeping me from seeing Tao at this point--I felt like I was suffocating. I started to have second thoughts. I wanted to back out. My grip on the doorknob loosened and I almost stepped back, but as if my heart momentarily took over brain, my body moved on its own and pushed open the door before I could decide on anything else.

And there he was, standing by the edge of the rooftop, his fine silhouette contrast against the now pinkish sunset. He quickly turned around at the sound of the rooftop door opening, and our eyes immediately locked on each other.

With slow and careful steps I came closer to him, all the time trying to tone down the deafening thrum of my heart against my ear. Tao just watched me come closer, and I didn't know if he could tell that I was practically shaking from the anxiety. Once I was a good five feet away from him, I could finally see him clearly. I'd spent way too much time trying not to look at him out of fear of my emotions resurfacing, so seeing him like this now made it feel like it's been so long since I last saw his face. However, one look at him made me realize that in fact, I'd never been so wrong.

Looking at him still made my heart hurt, yes, but little did I know that something else could hurt far more than that: Seeing him with his eyes puffy and red as indication of prolonged periods of crying, and cuts on his fists as indication that he'd been punching walls, hurting himself because of frustration. Because of me.

As we looked at each other with emotional eyes in the middle of the rooftop, we saw each other's sadness, pain, and hurt, and there was only one thing that I could conclude.

We had hurt each other badly, and it both fucked us up.

"I missed you..." he finally said, those three simple words hitting my heart like a shotgun.

"Me too..." I quietly said back. He'd already broken down my walls and I'd already given in. Might as well just be honest with him and myself.

"Seollie..." he took a deep breath, taking a few seconds to think of how to begin. "I understand why you wanted to avoid me. I had time to think and realized that I had been a horrible friend to you. I didn't treat you the way you deserved. I hurt you. I hurt you so bad. I was an asshole."

He pursed his lips as they started to tremble from the emotions. "I finally realized how I promised things so carelessly to you, how I made you wait every single time we're supposed to eat together, and how I left you so suddenly every time the others called out for me... I realized that I have hurt you and ditched so many times, and yet, I never heard a single complain from you. You were silently enduring everything, yet you still cared for me so much.  And when I saved you there at the pool, when you wouldn't wake up no matter how hard I called, it was like a brick hit me in the head and woke me up. I realized I should've treated you as the most precious thing in the world. That you deserved more attention than anybody else. And I was so scared that I was too late. I..." 

He paused as his voice trembled, tears starting to cloud his eyes. "I wasn't going to forgive myself if something happened to you. I was so scared, Seollie. I was so scared of losing you. So I did everything I could to make it up to you, but then, I just ended up hurting you again."

A tear managed to escape his eye and he looked up and sighed as he tried to blink it away. 

"So I don't blame you for hating me or wanting to avoid me, Seollie. I completely deserve it. After all the things I'd done to you, I--"

"I don't hate you, Tao." I said a little too quickly, because it broke my heart seeing how much he was blaming himself. I quickly avoided his shocked gaze, figuring it was easier to talk without looking at him straight in the eye. "I was just avoiding you because... because seeing you reminds me of so many memories. And the memories trigger these feelings and all of them cloud over me and overwhelm me. Especially when I was in that pool... when I was drowning..."

At this point tears were streaming down my face.

"All I could think about was you, Tao. Just you. And it was when I realized that my biggest regret was not being able to tell you that I like you before I die. I guess I just couldn't risk destroying our friendship even if it hurt bottling up my feelings like that. I was just so afraid that once you find out, you would start seeing me in a different light, and our friendship would be gone forever."

I took a deep breath to recollect myself, wiping my tears with the back of my hands.

"But now that you know how I feel, I've come to terms with the fact that that's all that we can be. Friends. You're just too perfect and I don't deserve you. But I don't hate you, Tao. Don't worry. I actually planned on talking to you once I was ready. I guess you could say that I'm trying to learn how to swim so I don't drown in my feelings anymore. For the meantime, I just wanted to give myself space and time to heal and move on."

"But what if I don't want you to move on?" He softly said. "What if I'm doing this because I want to reach out to you before its too late?"

He carefully reached out to touch my hand, looking straight into my soul with tears in his eyes. I didn't look away, wanting to make sure and see in his eyes if he really meant all the things he was saying. That I wasn't just imagining it and giving a different meaning to his words.

"I know you've given me so many second chances already, and I know I don't deserve another chance anymore. But please, please, could you give me one last chance? I will make it up to you. I will do everything I can to make it right. Just please, Seollie. I... I don't want to lose you."

"Your just confused, Tao." I shook my head. "I told you, I'm not avoiding you because I hate you. Once everything settles we can still be friends and--"

"But I don't want to be friends anymore. What if I want to be more than that?"

This time, I froze in shock. I couldn't believe if I was hearing it right. My heart ached as it thrummed faster and louder in my chest again, and I hated it. I hated the fact that his words were starting to give me hope again. I opened my mouth to question him again, but he beat me to it.

"That day, when you told me that you love me, I wasn't able to respond because I was confused with my feelings too. It was all so new to me that I didn't know how to put it in words. But now, it's clear to me and I can respond to you now."

Tao grabbed my other hand as well and held them tight, the warmth of his hands enveloping mine.

"I love you too, Han Seol."

My heart seemed to stop beating in my chest.

 Huang Zi Tao... loves me?

"Are you..." I choked out. I just couldn't believe it. "Are you sure?"

He managed a smile and nodded. "100%."

I don't know what exactly it was, but it felt like all reins holding me back were just released, and all these emotions came flooding out and I just broke down and started ugly sobbing. Tao pulled me into a hug and let me cry on his chest, gently stroking my hair as he comforted me.

"I'm not sure if you still feel the same way about me, but I'm not forcing you to do so.  If there's anybody here that don't deserve someone, it's me. I don't deserve you, Han Seollie. But I'm willing to do everything to prove my worth to you. I'm willing to wait for you until you're ready no matter how long."

"But... but what if I still feel the same way about you?" I sniffed.

This time, it was his turn to freeze in shock. He slightly pulled away to look down at me with eyes wide, as if he couldn't believe that I said that.

"You mean... you still love me?"

I blinked away tears and slowly nodded.

Sparkle started to fill his eyes and an ear splitting grin formed across his face. He pulled me into a hug again, but this time squeezing me tight like I was a teddy bear. Only then did it really sink into me what the situation was. We just confessed to each other, and we just confirmed that we both wanted to be more than friends. It didn't take long before a smile formed on my lips as well, and I wrapped my arms around his waist to return the hug.

"I love you, Han Seollie." Tao whispered as he looked down at me with loving eyes, gently brushing a leftover tear away from my eyes. Looking at him like this, safely wrapped inside his arms with the city lights and the fading sunset around us, I felt like I was in a very beautiful dream. And God, I didn't want to wake up.

"I love you too, Huang Zi Tao." I whispered back. We took all our time just looking at each other with soft smiles on our faces, finally looking content and peaceful with each other as if we hadn't been crying just minutes ago. I hadn't even realized that Tao had already inched closer until our lips were just inches apart, and he paused just enough to give me time to process the situation, gauging how I would react.

When my eyes fluttered shut, it wasn't long until I felt his lips land against mine. From then on it was just pure bliss, electricity flowing across my spine and onto the rest of my body like a tingly buzz. Tao's hands reached up to cup my cheeks, guiding the kiss, and I laid my hand over his muscled chest, trying to savor the moment while it lasted, trying to engrave every second into my memories.

After I don't know how many seconds or minutes, Tao ended the kiss with a small peck, before playfully brushing his nose against mine to make me giggle. Sighing, he hugged me tight again and I closed my eyes as I laid my head against his chest, hearing his heart beat in sync with mine. Meanwhile, he dug his face into my hair, smelling my chair once again which now, I realize, is one of his most favorite things to do.

"I'm not letting go of you, Han Seollie. Never again."

*~*~*~* [END] *~*~*~*