CHAPTER FIVE_

Nobody

Three days later and I was finally back to how I was supposed to be: a nobody. Not Tao's "friend", not Seollie. Just regular college girl Han Seol living her uninteresting college life.

Well, Tao did attempt to talk to me. He texted, chatted, even tried to call or video call; and when in campus he always tried to ambush me in places he knew I normally go to. However, I never looked at him, never responded when he called my name, even when he begged with that irresistible tone that he knew worked on me. Well, used to.  I learned to avoid him better and took routes I never took before, and I learned how to spot him first so I could divert my way or turn back around before he spots me. Eventually, he seemed to finally understand that I wouldn't talk to him any soon and stopped trying, opting to just watch me pass by whenever we were in the same space.

I still received texts from him every now and then though, asking if I'd eaten, asking how I'm doing, asking for a chance to talk to me. I never replied, but couldn't bring myself to block him yet. Although I was ignoring him, blocking him felt like a final decision; like I've decided to completely erase him from my life.

Maybe someday I'll get to that point. I guess we can say it's still a work in progress.

Towards the end of the last period, I glanced by the window where the University gates could be seen, and I saw Tao and his group leaving the premises. During the past two days Tao had always stood there at this time of the day and waited until I passed by, hoping that I'll talk to him when out of school in which of course, I didn't. However, today seems different. I guess he already gave up.

I felt a pang of dismay when I realized that, but I quickly shook it off my head as soon as it came. I convinced myself that it was a good thing. At least I wouldn't have to worry about bumping into him on my way home anymore.

Once the professor left the room indicating the end of classes, the students started heading out the door, all eager to get home and wrap up their day. Amongst the flock of students and the buzz of chatters, I felt Amber cautiously walking behind me, but I ignored it. I had been trying my very best to act like how I normally was--and to be honest I think I was pretty good at it--but for some reason Amber was still uncomfortable and didn't know how to act around me like I was another person.

"This is unhealthy, you know." Amber quickly commented as soon as we got out of the room, like she'd been holding back for so long to say it. "You can't just move on by pretending that Tao never existed in your life."

"I don't know what you're talking about," I blatantly lied, in which she just sighed in exasperation.

"Do you really think I don't notice? Girl, I've been your friend for two years. At this point I know when you breathe differently."

"Has it been two years already? When would be our third friendsversary?" I answered nonchalantly.

"Don't try to change the topic," she pointed an accusing finger at me. "Han Seol, you two need to talk."

I just answered with silence.

I know that.

My own voice answered in my head. Yes, I knew that Tao and I needed to talk, but I can't. Or at least, I can't yet. 

Whenever I see him, it still hurts. My heart still aches like a fresh cut wound and seeing him only seems to makes it worse rather than heal. It makes me feel like I'm choking over my own breath, making me remember every bittersweet memory, coaxing me to break down into a mess once again. What more if I face him in a conversation? Definitely not a good idea.

I have to let myself heal enough where looking at him doesn't hurt anymore, and then, maybe we can talk. So for now, the best thing to do is avoid Tao until that time comes.

"How long do you think you can put this up? You can't just avoid him forever!"

"Shouldn't you just be glad that you can keep me all to yourself now?" I rolled my eyes. We were already out of the building but she still hasn't given up on the conversation.

"No, I'm not glad!" She exclaimed, wildly waving her hands in the air for emphasis. "You're acting like a depressed K-drama lead that just broke up with her boyfriend and is making poor decisions. How can I be glad?!"

"Amber, just cut it out will you? I'm not in the mood for this." I sighed exasperatedly. Her nagging was starting to get into my ear. However, Amber being Amber, of course she just had to be stubborn.

"And what would that make me, huh? Yes that's right, a terrible friend. In every K-drama there is always that one friend that gives advice and knocks some sense into the lead girl, and that's me. That's my job. I can't just sit around and do nothing especially now that you're obviously acting like an idiot."

"I was acting like an idiot." I finally faced her. "But I guess you could say some sense had already been knocked into me."

And I wasn't lying. Ever since that last day of the field trip where Tao said it himself that he only saw me as a friend, I finally truly saw how stupid I was.

How dumb must I have looked every time I waited for him only to be stood up. How dumb I must have looked whenever he turned around and left me standing by myself whenever his other friends arrived. And most importantly, how dumb I was to still smile and pretend everything was okay despite of all that.

But I guess we all do dumb things for the person we like. I'm finally over that, though. It's time I make it up to myself and earn some self-respect.

"I really appreciate your concern, Amber, but I know what I'm doing. I'm doing this because I'm looking after myself."

There must have been something in my voice that made my statement seem firm and resolute, because she didn't question it and just looked at me with concern. At this point, we were already at the gate wherein we had to part ways since we lived at opposite parts of town.

"See you tomorrow," I nonchalantly bid farewell and walked away as if we hadn't been talking about a sensitive topic. It was starting to frighten me how I was getting good at pretending. 

"Dude's trying his best," Amber called after me, a futile effort to prolong the topic. I didn't turn around; I just numbly answered back as I continued walking away.

"I guess it's too late for that now."

*~*~*~*~*~*

I'd just gotten home and finished taking a shower when I received a text from mom saying she'd be home late due to work and I should just find myself something to eat. Hence, I took the liberty to cook some ramen, deciding that it'd be my dinner because I was too lazy to cook anything else. Mom wouldn't have approved of this, of course, but it's not everyday that I get to decide on an unhealthy meal. So to make the most out of my rare privilege, I took it as far as taking my dinner to eat in my room, which was another thing in my mom's list of 'things I shouldn't do'.

I liked the view in my room anyway, especially at a time like this when the sun was just setting, casting beautiful shades of pink and orange across my room. What more beautiful way to eat ramen, right?

Ten minutes later and I was already in the middle of eating while watching Kdrama in my phone, when I was suddenly interrupted by a message notification. I frowned when I saw it was from Tao, and of course, I swiped it away to ignore. However, another message popped up, and then another, and another. Confused, I stopped eating and stared at my vibrating phone. He was texting an awfully lot more than usual, and at an intense frequency too.

Once the message count had reached ten, I had no choice but to open it.

LOOK OUT THE WINDOW

It was all he said, just repeated ten times. Two more appeared while I was reading. My eyes shifted to my window that overlooked the streets outside, my heart starting to thrum loudly in my chest. It wouldn't hurt to check, right?

Still feeling my phone buzz in my hand as it was continuously bombarded with most probably the same message, I took slow steps towards the window. I was at the third floor so just looking through it wasn't enough; I had to open the glass window in order to see the streets below. And so after taking a deep breath, I did so by sliding it open with one heave, and as soon as my eyes fell upon the street right below me, a spark crawled up my spine and onto the rest of my body, sending my heart into a frenzy.

True enough, standing there at the street was Huang ZiTao. Even worse, behind him was ten people, each of them holding their respective  letters--and emojis--to form a sentence.

I M S O R R Y 🥺🥺🥺

He must have heard my window open because he immediately looked up from the phone in his hand, his worried expression immediately replaced with a hopeful smile, knowing that he'd just succeeded in making me read his message and look at him. However, it didn't end there.

My gaze was especially transfixed on the one person beside him, who was holding a guitar connected to an amplifier placed by his foot. And only then did I realize that the black thing Tao was holding in his other hand was a microphone. My mouth went dry, knowing well enough what was about to happen next.

Tao started singing.

https://youtu.be/V7I7HbWtstY

I've only heard snippets of Tao singing, usually just a few lines of a song or humming whenever he was bored. Hearing his sweet singing voice even just briefly had already been enough to make my heart warm, so seeing him like this, basically serenading me, was definitely a strong attack.

Goddammit. Why did he have to do all this at a time where I'm trying to move on from him?

Your sad eyes and your silent stories

Whirled together in your heart that night

I was mesmerized by your mysterious image

And lost my one and only soul

The melodic strumming of the guitar echoed beautifully around the street along with Tao's sweet voice, and the way he was looking at me straight in the eye despite of the distance combined with the sunset casting a soft glow over him made it all look like a surreal dream. I wouldn't have realized that I was still frozen in shock if it wasn't for the shouts and complaints from the other tenants of the building due to all the sudden noise. Snapping out of it, my eyes widened and I frantically shook my head and put a finger to my lip, motioning for him to stop. He might have had good intentions towards me, but to the other residents, he was being a nuisance.

However, he didn't seem to mind this and a smile even formed on his lips, his voice getting louder and more confident as he reached the chorus. He must have been enjoying the fact that I was finally paying attention to him.

Oh I'll follow you even if it's the end of the world

Please don't go out of my sight

Don't disappear even when the morning comes

You're my one and only beautiful butterfly

Only then did I realize what the song actually was, and I knew the lyrics to it as well. But having him singing it to me like that, the meaning of the song just hit differently. A strange feeling coated my heart, and it took me just a fraction to realize that it was actually my walls starting to crumble. I quickly turned around and moved myself out of their sight, leaning my back against the wall just as I felt tears start to pool in my eyes. I took deep breaths in an attempt to collect myself, but hearing Tao's voice still serenading me was making me remember all our memories together.

You're my one and only Han Seollie.

He always used to say that to me. And it always gave me bittersweet feelings, knowing that how it meant to him was different from how it meant to me. However, I loved hearing it, because it gave me a brief feeling that I was somehow special. But that was all it was. A brief feeling. Even that time at the trip when he stuck close to me and cared for me, I had hoped that it was all because he somehow had the same feelings as me, even just a little. But that hope ended the moment he said it himself that he was only doing it as a friend.

And as those memories rushed back into my head again, the pain hit my heart again and tears started to pour down my eyes. Why does love have to be so unfair? Why can't I just choose to shut off these feelings? When will this pain end?

My trip down the painful memory lane was cut off as I realized that the guitar sounds had stopped, indicating that the song has ended. I didn't dare move, not knowing what to do now. I can't just look back out the window and let Tao see me like this.

My phone suddenly vibrated in my hand, and carefully, I checked what it was. Tao was calling. I bit my lip as I debated with myself whether to answer it or not. In the end, I considered all the effort that he'd just done, and decided that the least thing I could do is answer his call. After swiping the green icon, with shaking hands I slowly lifted it up to my ear.

"...Seollie?"

Tao's soft voice went through, and I hadn't realized how much I missed that voice until then.

"Can we talk? Please?"

I swallowed down a whimper as fresh tears started escaping my eyes again. I started to debate with myself. The part of me that had put up walls around my heart was telling me that I shouldn't, that I'll just hurt myself again if I talk to him, but the other part of me that was soft was desperately clawing out of the walls, reaching out, trying to break free and crawl back to Tao.

"Seollie?" This time, worry laced in every fiber of his voice. I shut my eyes tight as I tried to block out the storm in my head, trying to decide what I really wanted. Or rather, what I really needed.

Once again, I felt like I was falling into the unknown depths of water, pulling me by the ankle, putting me under its mercy. But this time I willingly dove into the water, hoping that I know now how to swim so I can save myself when everything goes to shit.

I swallowed and took a deep breath to steady my voice, trying to mask the emotions in my voice, but miserably failing.

"Meet me in the rooftop. Let's talk."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

[A/N]: Please don't kill me for the decisions Han Seol is making.

I have nothing to do with it I swear.