We're sitting on the hill again with the fields behind us after we deemed the park too boring. My legs are splayed out in front of me and my arms are behind me supporting my weight. Isaac is sitting really close to me, and sometimes I can feel his eyes on me. 

The moon is setting behind us and the sun is rising in front of us. And it is beautiful. The oranges and pinks and reds all blending together to create something breathtaking. I could see the tips of the suns rays starting to peek over the horizon. The few clouds lying above us are outlined by a red-orange colour and tinted by a bit of dark blue from the moon behind us. 

Suddenly, Isaac's hand is on top of mine. I glance over at him. He's looking out towards the rising sun but there's a wide smile on his face. I close my eyes for a second, imagining him as mine then open them.

Last night, I had wished for happiness and if that meant being here in this moment with Isaac, then I had hope that it would continue to be like this for a long time. With Isaac in my life, everything's brighter, and I'm filled with something I haven't felt in a long time. 

I only hope he feels the same. What if he's just doing all this just to make me feel better about myself? What if none of this is real and it's all just an act for me? What if he's faking his feelings only to show me that I could feel again? 

My life has always been about the 'what ifs' and it doesn't seem like it's changed. I'm always wondering about the 'if's' in life and what could have happened if only I had done something differently or said something else. 

Isaac looks at me and smiles, his thumb rubbing over my hand gently. I almost cry thinking that all of this could be fake. 

He seems to read my mind and shakes his head. "This almost seems like a dream, but it's not. Everything that's happening is real, Ang. Take it all in." 

Looking around, I easily spot the rising sun and the brilliant colours that accompany it. I immediately spot the rolling clouds. I listen to the distant whistles of a songbird. 

And then I look at Isaac, and I spot pain. Hurt. Confusion. Loss.

What's he thinking about right now? What does he think when he looks at me? Who does he see?

I tilt my head at him, giving him a questioning look.

Isaac sighs. "I was different, Ang. I used to be someone else. A year ago, I met someone who changed me. But now, they're gone."

Gone? Like... dead-gone? Or left-him-gone?

He must've seen the confusion on my face because he gives me a small smile. "She left me for someone else. It hurt a lot especially since afterwards, she completely cut any contact with me. Barely a goodbye, even."

Ouch. 

"It still hurts."

I gently place my hand on his shoulder trying to give him a comforting look. I feel that pain, every day. What happened to me a year ago still hurts. Although having the girl leave him isn't as severe as what I had gone through, I still know that the pain of someone leaving hurts. And that it lingers for a long time. All of the memories swamping the mind and leaving someone in tears, trying to only remember the good times.

Isaac gives me a small smile, obviously seeing the pain and understanding in my eyes. 

"You get it, don't you? Someone hurt you, too."

I nod with a sad smile, remembering how it felt to be loved. Even if it was fake. It was nice to think that someone truly cared. Yet that's what hurt the most when it was all over. To know that I wasn't good enough for them. To know I wasn't the one they loved even though I loved them. To know it was all fake. 

I wasn't worth it. 

"I know this is kind of cliche, but I'm here for you if you ever want to talk," Isaac whispers, looking at me. 

I point to myself then at him. 

"Thanks," he says, then stands up.

I watch him from the ground. 

He looks around at the sunrise and the fields and hills. Then finally, he looks down at me. And as I stare into those deeps eyes I remember our intimate moment earlier and how he had kissed me. How it had felt real. 

Isaac holds out his hand, and I take it. He pulls me up and we're suddenly very close. We stay that way for a second or two but then I step away. He's still hurting; he just told me that. It's not fair to him nor myself since I'd probably be a constant reminder. Honestly, if someone is going to like me, I want them to like me for all my flaws and imperfections. I'm sure Isaac knows that and understands. 

And, so, I distance myself from him for the time being. Perhaps one day down the road but, for now, it's best if we're only friends. 

Isaac gives me a sad smile, and I know he understands. 

Together, we walk back to his car.

Silently, he drives me home where we say goodbye with a smile. I watch him drive off as I stand in the middle of the driveway. 

Sighing, I walk around the house and enter through my window. I crawl into my bed and lie there, the covers pulled up around me. 

That was nice.

Something I'll remember for a long time. 

Looking over at my clock, I notice that it's almost six in the morning. Holly should be getting up in about an hour for work, and I'll still be here. 

I'll always be there in that moment where everything is still and silent and pretend it's all good. Where everything is looking up for once. And I'll still be there after it's all crumbled down and there's nothing left but ashes. I'll be the one in the middle of it all, still remembering the good times and hoping it could be like that again. I'm—

Holly knocks on my door gently then pushes it open, peeking her head in. "Hey, I'm off to work, okay?"

I nod and give her a small smile. 

Smiling back, she waves then shuts my door. I listen as she opens the front door, her car keys jingling, and then the door closing, the revving of her engine filling the silence. But then it, too, is gone, and I'm left in that silent, lonely space again. 

Deciding to finally do something, I sit up and pull on a pair of sweatpants and a large hoodie. I walk out of my room and into the kitchen. I stand in the middle of the room, just looking at everything. It's amazing how I started from nothing and got to this moment where I almost have everything I need. 

Should I cook something? Would Holly be mad if I did?

She shouldn't be though.

So, I open a cabinet, pull out a random cookbook and open to the first page I land on.

Raspberry Cobbler.

Great.

I'm a horrible cook and baker and, now, to open up to this... well, I'm not too sure how this will turn out. Probably somewhere between disgusting and homeless. With a side of the house on fire.

I tie up my hair and wrap an apron around myself. Sighing, I read the first ingredient and instruction but before I can pull anything out of the pantry, a knock on the front door echoes through the house. 

I'm almost sure I know who it is. Dave.

I walk over to the door and open it, revealing a smiling Isaac and Bella to my surprise.

Bella immediately wraps me up in a tight hug. "I begged my brother to come here so we could hang out together again, and he said yes! What are you doing?"

I smile at her then wave at Isaac as I let them in. I watch as Bella runs and jumps onto one of the couches, giggling. 

"Bella, you know better than to—"

I lay a hand on his shoulder, shaking my head. He chuckles and follows me into the kitchen. I lead him over to the cookbook and place my finger on the picture of the cobbler. 

"You're going to bake that?"

I nod and cross my fingers. I know I want to make that, but I have no idea what's going to happen.

"Want help?" Isaac offers. 

I hand him the cookbook and, for the next few hours, we have fun in the kitchen, creating a massive mess.

---

"Wow," Isaac laughs, shaking his hair from all the flour.

I smile and shake my own hair, mini rivulets of flour pouring from my hair. Bella had happily watched us from a distance, laughing with her brother.

The cobbler's in the oven, and it only has a few more minutes before it's done. Hopefully. However, neither Isaac nor I knew how to bake that thing so we simply followed the directions, albeit with a few distractions and probably a few extra ingredients. 

"That was awesome!" Bella exclaims, giggling as she draws flowers in the flour-covered floor.

Isaac ruffles her hair then pulls me in for a tight hug. "That was awesome." 

I nod in agreement, hugging him back.

Just as we pull away, the oven beeps in time with the click of the front door opening.

Uh oh.

"Hey, Ang, I'm—"

I turn and spot Holly standing horrified in the front doorway. 

Isaac frowns as he awkwardly rubs the back of his neck and Bella hides behind his leg, all the smiles gone.

"Angie, what the hell happened? And what is he doing here?" She asks in an accusing tone. "What did I tell you?"

I violently shake my head. Isaac seems to know what I want because he taps my shoulder and holds a pen and paper for me. Grateful, I give him a smile and take it, scribbling down my words.

These are my friends, and they were helping me.

Holly reads it then glares around at the kitchen. "Helping you do what exactly?"

Helping me cook. And have fun.

She scowls then frowns. "That's my job, though."

I furrow my brow, confused.

"I'm the one who's suppose to have fun with you and make you smile. I'm the one who should be in that man's place, cooking and baking with you. I've always been the one there for you when you needed a shoulder to cry on, not this stranger. Do you hear me? Not him, me! I've been there for you since day one!"

And I'm thankful to you for doing all of that, but is it so wrong for me to make new friends? To make new memories? Good memories?

Holly suddenly breaks down, crying. I rush over to her and embrace her in a tight hug. She has been here with me through a lot, and I'm immensely grateful to her. But it hurts knowing that the reason she didn't want me around Isaac and Bella was that she was jealous of them and wanted to keep me for herself. She should be happy that I'm making new friends and not locking myself up in my room. Nevertheless, she is my friend, and she means a lot to me.

"I'm sorry, Ang. I'm really happy for you, I'm just really stressed and worried right now," Holly says, wiping away her tears and holds me away at arm's length.

I nod. I kind of understand where she's coming from, but it still hurt. 

Smiling, her eyes still a little puffy and red, she walks around me and holds out her hand to Isaac. "Hey, uh, thanks for being here with Ang and letting her have fun. It means a lot to me to even see her smile again. I'm sad I wasn't the one who made her smile or laugh, but I am incredibly happy she has again. It's been a while, you know?"

Isaac shakes her hand, and I can tell he's still guarded since the last time they encountered each other. "Yeah, I understand, but I'm not going to hurt her if that's what you're worried about. I care about her, too."

I can see that Holly is a little taken aback by it but she covers it up with a smile. "Good, because if you ever hurt you, I want you to know that I'll be the first to murder, bury, and then kill you again."

Isaac chuckles, loosening up. "Ah, well, thanks for the heads up."

"Mhm." And then she kneels down to Bella's height. "Hey there, pretty girl."

"Hi," Bella whispers. 

"I'm Angie's friend, Holly. You're very pretty," Holly cooes.

Bella smiles then comes over to me and takes my hand. "I'm Angie's friend, too." 

Holly stands up and laughs a little then frowns. "What is this smell?"

My eyes widen and so does Isaacs'. The cobbler.

I rush past them, slightly pushing Isaac out of the way and opening the oven. Smoke comes out in a large, grey cloud and I shake my hand in front of my face, coughing. I slip on an oven mitt then pull out the cobbler, setting it down on the counter and shutting the oven door. 

When the smoke finally disperses, I stare at the somewhat burnt cobbler. 

"What is that?" Holly asks, looking at me. 

I pick up the recipe book and point to the cobbler.

"That's suppose to be cobbler?" 

I tentatively nod my head. Suppose to be. Key words. 

"Erm, how about you leave the cooking and baking to me, yeah?"

I smile in relief, nodding. 

"Good, now let me bake something that we can actually eat."

I nod and lead Bella and Isaac over to the living room.

"That was funny. Isaac made a funny face," Bella laughs, pointing at a blushing Isaac.

"So did you!"

I watch, smiling brightly as they go back and forth. How nice it would've been to have had a sibling here with me. I look over at my shoulder at Holly who's cleaning up the mess and baking something new. She's the closest thing I have to a sister, and, honestly, I wouldn't trade her out for anyone else. Well, Bella's a close second but she's too young to really understand anything even though she's smart for her age. I want to keep her innocence for a while.

---

For the rest of the night, we all sit around the dinner table, eating the meal Holly had cooked with a little help from a curious Bella. Holly got to know Bella and Isaac more, and I know she's not worried about them anymore. She trusts them and they're her friends now, too.

I smile as I sit there quietly, listening to them all talking and laughing. This is what it must feel like to have a real family where everyone smiles and laughs and has fun. Where everyone's happy and nothing bad is happening. 

I look at Isaac. Screw distancing myself from him.  

If this is what it feels like to love, I'm never letting him go. 

~~~

❝Yet that's what hurt the most when it was all over. To know that I wasn't good enough for them.❞