Next week I was sitting at Mrs. McCalister's kitchen table, venting about my love life. Again.

"So that's good. You talked to him about your insecurities." She said.

I pushed air through my teeth. "It might have made it worse."

"How so?"

"I mean now I know this isn't over for us but it still feels like it is. I can't help but feel that those are just empty promises with no meaning. I want to zoom through time and make sure that 50 years down the line we're still happy and together but I can't. And any other guy I felt this way about I could imagine having the strength to put myself back together, but Jordan? If we don't work out I feel like it'll destroy me."

"Oh honey," she said while rubbing my knee.

"And I know it sounds dramatic but when your fantasies turn into reality it feels unreal. So amazing that you forget what your old life was like because your new life is so much brighter and better and I just can't get used to this."

She made a noise in the back of her throat before sipping her coffee. "Don't self sabotage because you're afraid Charlie. It won't hurt anybody but you. Life can be hard but every once in a while it's kind. Give into the feeling and take advantage of life's kindness. And if it doesn't end up the way you want you'll be fine. I know it doesn't feel that way now but you will be. Men aren't the end all be all."

"I know that I don't depend on him but it's just like what's the point of trying."

She thought about it before speaking.

"Maybe it's the chance at love even if it's for a short time. Maybe it'll teach you some crucial life lessons. Maybe it's just meant to be."

I took in a deep breath. "Sometimes things that are meant to be are really sucky."

Ray came to our minds. She squeezed my knee.

"I miss him too," she said.

***

Margot, Elyse, Harper and I were standing next to my locker before last period. We were in the middle of talking about our hangout for this weekend when Jordan came out of nowhere and started dragging me away.

I was laughing while trying to escape his grip until he told me that if I didn't come willingly he was going to carry me.

I ignored the traitorous butterflies in my stomach and decided on rolling my eyes while I followed behind him stupidly.

We snuck past a classroom and went into this abandoned computer lab before he shut the door.

And then I stared at him with a grin on my face.

"Is this where you kill me now?"

"Shut up," he said before gripping my ass.

I stood on my tiptoes to meet his mouth before he grabbed my thighs and lifted me for easier access.

2 minutes later the bell rang and I wriggled my way back to the ground trying to catch my breath. I stumbled a bit and Jordan's arms went around me to steady me.

My hands went to my hair and I cursed.

"Does my hair look bad?" I asked.

He made a face that told me all I needed to know. I shoved him off me before turning to look at my reflection in the mirror.

I flicked him off and got to work putting my hair back up before someone could guess what we were doing.

Once it was back up I fixed my shirt and smiled and followed him out the door.

"You know, you're a really bad influence, Jordan."

***

The next morning I got a text from Mrs. Mcallister asking me to come over next weekend with Jordan.

This sort of meant I had to admit my lie by omission to him and I just hoped he wouldn't be mad about it.

Jordan and I went to go sit outside for lunch and I figured now would be my best opportunity to explain myself.

I bit my sandwich and looked at him sheepishly.

"I have to tell you something."

He narrowed his eyes at me. "What did you do?"

"I may have gone to see Mrs. Mcallister a few times without you and I just wanted to admit it upfront to you since she invited us to come over."

He nodded slowly and continued to eat. "Why? Is everything okay with her?"

"She seems as okay as she can be. But honestly I went over there because I needed to vent. We have these big vent sessions and it just helps me clear my mind. And that dynamic between us would change if you were there."

He tilted his head. "Why would it change if I was there?"

"Because sometimes I vent about you."

He looked at me.

"Did I do something?"

I shook my head. "No."

"Is it bad?"

I winced. "Kind of."

"Normally I wouldn't care but you just told me it was kind of bad so now I want to know."

I sighed. Me and my big mouth.

I looked to the floor. "Mostly we just talk about me struggling with the idea of us. Because, I guess I just think sometimes I just feel like you might hurt me. Unintentionally."

He turned away from me.

"When were you going to tell me that's how you felt?"

"I don't know," I told him.

"I mean obviously I can't control what you do and not that I want to but that's stuff you should communicate with me. I want you to feel good about us."

I pushed my hair behind my ear. "I don't want you to think it's about you though, because it's not. It's about me. And honestly it's hard to talk about because it means half the time I have to admit that I don't feel like this is worth it."

I wasn't looking at his face when I said this but if I had been I would have noticed he looked like he had been slapped.

"I love you a lot but sharing that kind of insecurity might have made you feel bad and unloved and that isn't the intention," I finished.

"What does that mean?"

Something about the tone of his voice made me look up.

"What did I do?"

"You didn't do anything."

"So why are you mad?"

"I'm frustrated because I feel like this is one sided. I don't have a problem with you needing reassurance. I have a problem with you not telling that to me."

"Jordan I just needed time to get my head together and I didn't want to make it a big deal. I care about you a lot. This isn't one sided. And it's why I didn't want to talk about it. This is what I was avoiding."

"So what now? Did you get your head together?"

And I don't know why I told the truth. If anything I should have lied. If there was ever a time in my life to lie it should have been right now. But the pressure was making my brain short circuit and for some reason I told the truth.

"No," I said softly. "But that doesn't mean I don't love you."

He blew out an angry breath. "Yeah. That's the thing. You tell me you love me and then push me away. And then when I ask, you make it seem like I'm crazy, because you deny it. And then I think maybe I should be doing more and-"

"But I-" I said, starting to interrupt.

But Jordan kept going. " Now I kind of just wish you were fighting for me like I've been fighting for you. And I get why you're scared. But it hurts because it makes me feel like I'm not worth the risk to you. Even though you're worth the risk to me."

"That's not entirely true." I told him.

He turned away from me while starting to pack up his stuff.

He stood up and looked down at me before he broke my heart. "Honestly, I don't think there's much else to be said. You're unsure and now I'm unsure so what else is there to talk about?"

This was my chance to say something, anything to fix this conversation gone wrong but for some reason I didn't. Maybe it was because deep down inside I knew this would be the outcome anyway and maybe it was my own idiocy. But either way it didn't stop him from walking away from me.