I sent in all my college applications last night. Georgetown, Northwestern, Loyola, UChicago, Brown, The U of M, DePaul and UIUC. My top was still Georgetown and my dad and I were planning to go tour it if I got in. Everyone was reassuring me that I was going to get accepted and it was slowly but surely making me more confident that things would end up going my way.

I wasn't a genius but I was involved in school and I had good grades. I was what I liked to call medium smart and even with that I tried my best to do things that made me less average. So while I may not have been the best candidate, I felt like I was a worthy candidate.

I ended up writing my college application essay on my biggest fear, the thing that caused me the most anxiety. And that was the fear of being average, at everything, at life in general. Social media had made me feel incompetent and behind my peers who seemed to be doing so well for themselves. And I internalized that, sometimes unconsciously. And then that manifested into feeling like I was off course and off track. That I wasn't good enough.

I wanted to be more and I had this crippling fear that I wouldn't ever get to where I needed to be. I was open and vulnerable for once and the feeling was scary. The words on the page seemed to pour out of my weakest spot and I hoped it only served to make me a stronger candidate. Because all that vulnerability led me to remembering that fear won't overshadow my future. It led me to remembering that college wasn't going to make or break me as a human.

    My guidance counselor loved it and I had my English teacher edit it. And then with a deep breath I sent in all of my college apps and wiped my hands clean. All I could do now is pray that God granted me a miracle.

***

I was sitting on the bus and it was currently day 4 of no show Ray. We were all getting worried about him and we decided if he wasn't back after the holiday we were going to investigate further.

Tomorrow was the start of Thanksgiving break and my family and I were flying to Texas. It was our annual tradition to go visit my mom's side for Thanksgiving and my dad's side for Christmas.

My mom's side could throw down in the kitchen and Thanksgiving for me was spent in food heaven. I was currently blathering on and on about all the things I was going to eat to Jordan and he just looked at me like he thought I was cute.

We got off the bus and I was forced to stop talking as I said goodbye to everyone. Jordan pulled me off the bus and dragged me towards school. I didn't shut up though.

"Jordan when I come back I will be the size of your house. You will have to roll me around. That is how much I will eat."

He looked at me in disbelief. "It's okay. I like my girls thick."

I started to laugh but then sobered up dramatically. I stopped in my tracks and narrowed my eyes playfully. "Girls?" I questioned him, emphasising that he used the plural.

"Shit," he mumbled.

"It's been like a month and you have another one?" I shook my head at him. "I'm sick."

"You know what I meant."

I was in the mood to be annoying. "I don't actually."

He smacked my ass. "Shut up and take the compliment."

I reared back my head and laughed. "You are just digging yourself in deeper."

    He had no response and just kept dragging me towards our school.

***

    I went over with Jordan to pick up Matt's from his house after school so we could hangout. He was staying with his Mom until the new year. So we wouldn't see him until January. Harper was going to tag along once we left because I wasn't the girl who ditched her friends when she got a boyfriend. And since we were going bowling I felt like it would be more fun if she came.

I could only be out for a little bit because I had to make sure I was all packed up by tonight. Once we made our way there I rented my gear and found a bench to sit on. I was switching out of my shoes when Harper walked in. I waved her over and she came to sit next to me as we put on our shoes.

"You ready to lose?" I asked.

"Bitch I never lose."

I snorted as we made our way over to the table. Jordan and Matt were getting us a pizza and once I got to the table I set my stuff down and grabbed a ball.

I lined it on the rack while Matt put our names in the program. Harper went first and was one off from a spare. I was next and on my first roll I got a gutter ball. My so called friends started laughing and mocking me from behind. But I just tuned out the laughing and squared my shoulders. I released the ball with a flick and knocked down all the pins on my second go.

They quit laughing sharply. I smugly walked over to my seat and raised my eyebrows at them as I crossed my legs.

I cleared my throat and looked at Jordan. And he just looked back at me like I was funny. I ended up fighting my smile and rolling my eyes at him.

"It's your turn," I said.

He got up confidently and I was preparing to roast the hell out of him because I could just tell by his stance he was going to fail. The smile died on my face when he got a strike.

I scowled at him in annoyance and he basked in it. And since he was being cocky I flicked him off.

"So it's like that?" he asked.

Jordan and I were competitive. I hated losing to him as my friend and I hated losing to him even more as my boyfriend. So I needed to beat him for my sanity. Harper and Matt were lost to me because my mind was focused on one thing. And that was this man's downfall.

We went back and forth inching ahead of each other on the scoreboard. I absently noticed Harper and Matt giving us questionable looks but this was no longer a game for fun. This shit was life or death.

It was my last bowl for the game and I couldn't choke now. I was 3 points in front of Jordan and it needed to stay that way. I flicked the ball with my hand and I let out a scream of frustration. I had choked. It hit 2 pins and rolled into the gutter.

I forced myself to focus because I needed the rest of these points. On the next go I hit all of them down except one. I clenched my jaw and turned to the table to see Harper giving me a thumbs up.

I smiled at her and glared at Jordan. The only way he would win is with a strike. And chances were he wasn't going to get a strike.

He went up for his turn and we watched in anticipation. We watched him release the ball as it went barreling towards the middle of the lane. Essentially a perfect bowl. Harper was leaning over her chair, Matt was standing in front of me and I was half hiding, half peeking at the alley from behind Matt.

My gaze eventually settled on the ball just as it hit the pins. And after all was said and done there was one pin left standing. At first it wobbled but then it settled right back up. And slowly a smile appeared upon my face.

I stepped out from behind Matt and swung my body around. I stuck my finger in my mouth and used that same finger to touch it to my ass as I made the sizzling sound.

"These bitches can't do it like me," I yelled as I continued my victory dance.

Jordan smirked at me and surprisingly he took this L like a champ. He was being very mature and while that was good for him it wasn't good for me. I was gonna brag.

***

    Jordan dropped Matt off and drove me to my house. Harper left to go do some homework and we all planned to hangout again after we came back from break.

    I was currently sitting on my suitcase trying to zip it up while on facetime with Jordan.

    "I don't feel bad for being annoying about my win. You're always winning things and it's annoying," I told him.

    "Yeah. I do win a lot," he said.

    "Shut up," I responded.

    I could hear my mom calling me from downstairs so I figured it was time to end the call.

    "I gotta go Jordan. My mom's calling me."

    He yawned. "Okay baby."

    I smiled at the pet name. "Love you."

    "Love you too Charlie."