May 13, 1994 [4]

The sea lion glided through ice-cold water and past Martha as she stood with her friends on the other side of the glass. From within the underground, cave-like viewing station, she marveled at its sleek, streamlined shape as it moved through the pool with virtually no wake, leaving only the tiniest of bubbles that spun away in an instant.

A little boy standing next to Martha began to jump up and down. "Where's the shark, Mommy? Where's the shark?" he demanded.

"These are seals, honey. I told you, they don't have those here," his mother answered.

Martha chuckled to herself, amused by his enthusiasm.

"I wanna shark!" He jumped again then looked up at Martha, his thick glasses magnifying desperate eyes under an adorably furrowed brow. "I wanna shark!"

"Your mom's right," she said, then leaned her hands on her knees to approach his level. "No sharks at the LA Zoo. They have tigers, though, with super sharp claws and teeth! Do you like tigers?"

The boy paused his tantrum a moment, then said, "I wanna tiger! I wanna tiger, Mommy!"

The mother hadn't been paying attention. "What? Tiger? Okay. Whatever you say, honey," she said, then took her son's hand and wandered off.

The Ghost approved of the interaction because sixteen year old Martha was kind and at ease with children. The Ghost had approved of just about all of Martha's interactions thus far, resulting in a life nearly identical to her first.  Tiny bubbles are okay.  Just no big waves...

"Aw, he was so cute," José said, sticking out his bottom lip for emphasis.

"Whatever," Natalie countered. "He was like, a total brat."

"He's like, three, Natalie," Martha said, her eyes glued to the sea lions as their water glowed blue into the dimly lit cave. She placed her hand flat on the glass and felt the cold. Another sea lion passed by, this time closer to the barrier. Its effortless movement was sublime; its tranquil expression, enviable.

"Whatever. I'm like, never having kids," Natalie affirmed.

Ha! Yeah, you will. And you'll vlog about it. A LOT.

"Well, what should we see next?" José asked before checking his Swatch wristwatch. "We've got about an hour before we have to be back at the bus."

"Monkeys?" Natalie offered.

"No, they're remodeling the exhibit," Martha said. "Tigers?"

"And run into the brat? Like, no thanks," Natalie said.

"Giraffes?" José suggested.

"Yeah, giraffes are cool, I guess," Natalie agreed as they left the underground shade and stepped into the light of the blazing, California sun.

"Right, because nothing's cooler than the Kids R Us logo," Martha joked.

Natalie laughed. "Shut up, Martha. You're such a dork."

And she was – gloriously so. Martha's performance in this life had been a triumph. She'd been meticulous in her recreation and completely deferential to The Ghost whenever it popped up in her mind. Her fears, stumbles, and maturity – or lack thereof – had been faithfully honored. She'd stood by and watched as Tiffany Cipowski was bullied and objectified and feigned shock and dismay when news spread of her suicide attempt. Next life, Tiffany. I promise.

She'd made similar, silent promises to her father, whose story had also matched the original. He'd lost his job on schedule and had no luck finding another. And while Martha was aware of the toll it was taking on him, she offered no comfort. Steven didn't want to burden his teenage daughter with his anxiety, so she followed The Ghost's advice and stayed oblivious and self-absorbed. Next life, Dad. I promise.

Of course, she knew the biggest test of her acting chops lay ahead. In five months, if all went well – WHEN all goes well, damnit – Steven would break the news that he'd found a job in Illinois. She'd have to stomp to her room, slam the door, and give her poor father the silent treatment for the following two weeks, all while hiding the ecstasy exploding within.

But she couldn't let more than a century's worth of anticipation distract her from the here and now. For she was still one false step away from triggering enough change to make it all come tumbling down. Always one step away...

"Well I want like, five or six," José said as they passed the pink and white flamingos.

"What? Kids?" Natalie asked with a raised eyebrow. "How would you do that, exactly?"

"I can adopt."

"Ugh. Then you've just got someone else's brats."

"Talk to the hand," José said, offering Natalie as much. "What about you, Martha? You gonna have kids?"

Martha's throat caught. The Ghost disappeared in an instant as James shot to the front of her mind. Reaching him was her salvation, pure and simple, but whatever bliss that he promised, children were not a part of it.

James had made that clear and non-negotiable as they sat in the movie theater parking lot three lives ago. He'd told her about the impossibility of recreating conception; about his children who could never come back; about their daughter, whom Martha would never know, but James would mourn every day of his unrelenting existence. She'd agreed to his terms that evening out of compassion for him. But what did she actually want? The silence was becoming conspicuously awkward, so Martha pushed James to the back and let The Ghost through to feed her the correct line.

"I think so," she said and cleared her throat. "Probably just one, but yeah. I think I'd like to have a kid."

As had become common when Martha suppressed thoughts of James, her heart began to race. She kept her breathing steady, but it was no use. The cycle had begun. Before long, her elevated pulse would be joined by chest pain, dizziness and still other symptoms of a panic attack unless she intervened. The best remedy she'd come up with was to find a place where she could be alone – usually a bathroom – and take a series of deep meditative breaths – which is definitely not Ghost approved behavior in front of my friends.

Thankfully, José and Natalie seemed unaware of Martha's inner panic. As they passed the gorilla exhibit, boarded up with signs reading MONKEY BUSINESS RETURNING NEXT WEEK!!, she scanned for restrooms. There were none in the area, nor were there signs directing her to any.

She did see a small building advertising FOSSILS OF CALIFORNIA.

It just might work...

"Hey guys. I promised my dad I'd check this out for him. He's a total paleontology nerd and he wanted me to see if they have anything new. It'll be really boring, so I'll just catch up to you guys at the giraffes, okay?"

"That's cool," José said. "We can brainstorm names for my adopted babies."

Natalie rolled her eyes and they continued on toward the giraffes, their voices trailing off.

"Okay, the first one that gives me attitude, I'm naming Natalie..."

Relieved to be rid of them, Martha ducked into the building. It was perfect – dimly lit, air conditioned, and empty. Good old, boring fossils.

The structure was about thirty yards long and made, like the sea lion exhibit, to resemble the inside of a winding cave. Every ten feet or so, there was a display of fossils behind glass and lit from above. Martha settled halfway between the two entrances to reduce the risk of being seen, then began to take deep, deliberate breaths in through her nose and out through her mouth. In through my nose and out through my-

"What's that?"

Martha jumped, her calm sliced in half by the high pitched voice. She looked around, but saw no one. Then she heard a tapping to her right. The boy from the sea lion exhibit stood on his toes to better see one of the displays. He tapped on the glass again, looked at Martha, then repeated, "What's that?"

She walked to him cautiously. "It's a... fossil." She craned her neck left and right, searching the length of the otherwise empty building. "Is your... mommy in here?"

The boy didn't answer but ran to the next display. "What's that?"

Martha followed. "It's another fossil. Hey, does your mommy know you're in here? We should really find her. I bet she's worried."

"Why'd they put it there again? That's not very nice." He ran to the next. "What's that?"

Martha's pulse shot right back. What the hell was this kid doing in here by himself? Was he supposed to be here? Had he followed her into the exhibit because he recognized her from before? Is this it? Shit, did I do it again?!

Or was it not her fault? Maybe he wanders in to look at the fossils in every life. Maybe he's been wandering around the zoo all day. Should she let it play out? Or take the reins and help him find his mother? Like I took the reins with Tiffany??

Author's note:

Sorry for the cliffhanger.  But I couldn't in good conscience publish a 5000 word chapter on its own and this was the best break I could find.

Thank you again for reading!!