"Subha! Where is Shetu? " Asked Batakrishna as he entered the study in a hurry.

" Even I didn't see her since morning." Said Subhalaxmi. " If you find her tell her to----" He left closing the door in hurry with a thud sound. "----meet me." She sighed.

Batakrishna went to her room and knocked at her door. " Shetu! Are you inside? "

Shetukala opened the door. He noticed her eyes were red and face flushed as if she had cried for long. He entered and locked the door behind him. 

"What happened , Shona? Why are you crying? " He asked tenderly while cupping her face.

"N-nothing. I'm fine. " She mumbled.

"Tell me na, what happened?" He insisted.

Shetukala removed his hands away from her face and started folding clothes scattered on the bed.

Batakrishna hugged her from behind , wrapping her arms around her belly and put his chin on her shoulder. "Tell me na , what happened? " She shook her head. " Why didn't you come for lunch?"

" Nothing, Daktar babu . Everything is fine. I was not hungry that's why." She sniffled.

" Everything doesn't seem fine, Shetu." He sat on the bed with his legs on floor and  pulled her making her sit on his lap sideways.

He wrapped his arms around her and kissed on her neck, "You won't tell me? Hmm? Not even your daktar babu."

Shetukala closed her eyes as fresh drops of sadness rolled from her eyes seiving from her eyelashes, as she put her hands on his on her belly.

"Hey, why are crying?" He cupped the back of her neck and turned her head towards him. " Don't scare me , Shona . Please. Tell me what happened. What is bothering you?"

"I ..... I.... miss my mother. She used to keep fast for me on durga shasti. I miss her a lot. " She snuggled into his chest and started crying silently wrapping her arms around his neck.

Why am I thinking something else too is bothering you? I hope I'm wrong. He thought as he rubbed her back to console her.

***

It was almost evening time. Batakrishna was drinking water when he noticed Shetukala wandering near the durga maa's idol,  looking here and there as if she was alert and the next moment his eyes widened when she took the shirni in a small bowl and hid it under her saree and sneaked away towards the terrace, pacing fast on the stairs.

He followed her discreetly and noticed her when she sat behind the water tank looking here and there making sure nobody sees her , oblivious to his presence. She took out the bowl and started eating it slowly. As she was eating, tears were falling from her eyes , and she started hiccupping, but didn't get up.

" Shetu! Water." Shetukala froze as soon as she listened his voice and looked at him turning her face slowly with her mouth full and tears flushing her face, as he was holding a glass of water in his hand.

She hiccupped more, and started choking on the food, coughing as her eyes welled up and she became breathless. Batakrishna sat down beside her and rubbed her back and make her drink water.

" I won't ask anything else. Just tell me are you fine?" He said looking straight at the horizon in front him. Despair was evident in his voice.

Shetukala's dam of tolerance broke down as she hugged him sideways digging her face in his chest, sobbing and sniffling. "I'm...... I'm...... I'm sorry. "

"You don't trust me uptil now, right?" He asked as a flash of hurt crossed his eyes but still he wrapped his arm around her and hugged her back.

She felt very guilty at his words and snuggled more into him. " It's not like that. I trust you more than any other person in this whole world."

"Then why didn't you tell me , about your past and now this. What does it mean , Shetu? "

" I didn't tell you about my past because..... because I didn't want to lose the way you look at me."

" Means?"

" Like initially you always looked at me with admiration, that I feared that if you came to know , I would lose it. I couldn't see pity in your eyes for me. I didn't want you to see me as a miserable person. I was selfish to want something , something more from 'us' than just a relation of sympathy ."

He kept quiet and let her talk.

" And today..... i.......i am sorry . I hid it. I .....just......"

" You don't have to...."

" No... I have to . I have to get this out of my system. To breathe again, I've to tell you." She moved away from him to face him.

" Okay. I'm listening."

" When I was hospitalized after the incident, I....I.... attempted ....suicide.  " She whispered the last word so softly he would have missed it if he wasn't looking at her face with undivided attention. She looked at him to gauge his expression. His lips were pressed tight into a thin line.

" But they ,hospital staff had saved me."

Batakrishna's fists tightened and  his jaw clenched. The thought that he would have lost her, froze his blood icy cold.

"After about two weeks , I was discharged from the hospital, the doctor who treated me was a kind man. He ... he said I could live at his place with his family until I gained my memory back enough to realise where I could go. I hesitated at first to go with someone stranger, but the doctor's wife, she was a very generous woman. She took me in like her own daughter. I called her kakima. Moreover the hospital authorities weren't allowing me to stay further, apart from my treatment. After a few days, I started feeling very dizzy and nauseous. Kakima took good care of me. She told this to her husband. He asked me details about my...." She hesitated.

" Menses? " She nodded timidly.

"Yes. He examined me and declared that ..... I..... had .... conceived." She broke into a loud sob and stuffed her mouth with the corner of her saree to stifle her sobs.

Batakrishna's heart and broke and her pain shook him. He shifted near her and rubbed her back, as his own eyes teared. God only knew how he was bracing it uptil now seeing her broken. What else was remaining to listen? Why had God been so merciless to her?

Several questions clouded his mind. Where was the baby? What had happened after she knew? How did she take this news?

Shetukala wiped her tears harshly and continued, "I.... I was shocked. I didn't expect it. I hated the feeling that those ....those men left their dirt in me. My..... my body felt more filthy than ever. I.... I wanted to die the next instant. Or at least wanted it to die. "

The word it from her mouth was a signal that she didn't take this news very well. 

" I was scared that it could be a boy and would turn into a rapist like his father. But I was more scared if it turns out a girl , she would become a victim like me.  How would I protect her when I couldn't save myself. Who could I rely upon. I thought that it's better she dies before she is left to die every moment of her life , just like me." She sobbed more as her hands trembled.

He held them in between his.
" What happened after that? Did you abort the baby?" His voice caught in his throat.

" No." She shook her head.

She looked at him , his eyes had plenty questions.

" I had requested my doctor to abort the baby. He was also in favour of it as he said this pregnancy was harmful for my health."

" Then?" He was not understanding where this was going.

" But the norms of the hospital he worked in were against it. They needed the consent of a family, as I was minor and more importantly mentally unstable and suicidal. They needed the approval of a guardian or the father of the child. Plus I was unmarried , so the authorities frowned upon this request."

" But if your health was at stake, then why not?"

" My clinical examination was done by another senior doctor as per the request of my doctor. He denied the grounds of abortion. He said I still could make out through pregnancy if kept in good condition. He said he wasn't willing to cross court laws for the sake of mundane health problems of a woman like me."

" How could they?" His eyes blazed in angry hot tears. But his hold was gentle on her hands, which had start fidgeting more violently." Then, what happened?"

" I had to live with it for another month. Each day was like a  long tortuous year . My body was betraying me. Each and every symptom of pregnancy reminded me of my rotten fate.
Then one day..." She pressed her lips to muffle her sob.

"One day .... what. What, shetu?"

" I ...I was slee-sleeping and a sharp pain short through my lower spine. Just as I stumbled up to stand up, it hit again. And.....and then a continuous trail of  blood gushed down my legs with unbearable pain. That's when I realised what I had lost." She freed her hands form his hold and covered her face and start crying bitterly.

"I lost ....lost my baby. The baby I never called mine. I behaved with it the way the world behaved with me. Punishing for being a victim. I called it names just like people called me. I called it dirt, burden ,curse and what not. It was a living pain that I could feel growing in my belly. I feared that when it would come out, it would be a mockery of my pain and a constant reminder of my agony."

"It .... It was a he.
Not even for once. Not even once, did I caress my belly and tell him that I would protect him from the world , take care of him and love him like he deserved. I just wanted to get rid of it. I threw away my medicines, skipped meals and cried all the time even when Kakimaa said my stress wasn't good for the baby. I just couldn't bring myself to accept it.

And ....and when he was gone. He left another burden on my heart. I ......I killed him....I killed my own child." She looked at her hands and whimpered. "I had prayed for his death day and night.  I didn't want him and when I couldn't accept him, he left me. He left his pathetic excuse for a mother. He left me......I killed him...." She brought her knees to her chest and dug her head in them.

Batakrishna had to force down his own emotions to see her in so much pain.

He gathered her in his arms as she was folded in a ball wrapping her arms around her folded knees, head dug at her thighs. Her body was shaking in sobs , but she bit her lip from crying out aloud. She wanted to scream. The pain in her heart was suffocating her, shattering her.

He clutched her body tighter to his chest . "Let it out. Cry all you want. Mourn as much as you want. Don't keep it within ,to eat you like a termite."

She wrapped her arms around his waist and clung tightly to him and  wailed openly letting out all the pain and heartache she had kept from him. Her body was shaking with her cries and sobs. He didn't say anything , just rocked her to and fro like a small child , and whispered soothing voices against her hair. His own eyes were dripping incesant. 

After sometime, when  she was all drained , she freed herself from him. He smoothened her hair from her face tucking them behind her ear.

"This fasting?" He asked quietly.

"Yes, I do shasti vrat for my lost child as an apology for my mistakes. My sins. I just hope he would forgive me , his failed mother." She looked into his pleading eyes and asked,"  Daktar babu, he would forgive me na? Please tell me na. Please..... "

He nodded unable to speak anything.

"I'm such a horrible excuse for a person. My maa baba died because of me and my ..... my child also....." She trialed away as a hiccup replaced a sob again.

"Shetu, don't blame yourself. It wasn't your fault. Your parent's death wasn't your mistake. And your..... Your child,  his death wasn't your mistake too. Before being a mother, you are a human being . It is your natural instinct to accept what comforts you and to deny what pains you, what hurts you . That child would not have anyways had a better life. If he had come to know, what happened with you, it would have been very difficult for him to accept his identity.  You need to have yourself healed before protecting someone else.

He left for good,  by God's wish. For a better life in some other womb. To some other family. Don't bind yourself with his demise."

"I  would  have never let him become like his father , had he grown up. I would have taught him good things. But I...."

"No , Shetu. You didn't do anything. Trust me. There could be many other reasons for the miscarriage."

"Other  reasons?"

"Yes , it could be due to your poor health already, your already stressed mind. You had lost blood during suicide attempt when you cut your wrist. It could have been any. And if none of this , 15% fetus of all conceptions die spontaneously, without any reason. You can't blame yourself for your loss. Don't do that. Okay."

"Wait a minute. How ? How did you know I had lost blood. I didn't tell you how I had attempted suicide."

'Uh...."

"What? What are you hiding? How did you come to know about my past? Subha didi told that you already had a clue , she just affirmed your suspicion. Please don't hide anything now. What is it , tell me na. Did you read my file?"

"What ! No! Not at all. I didn't."

"Then  ? How did you know how I attempted suicide?"

"Okay . Remember that night on Dada's anniversary, someone had drugged you." She nodded. "You went into my closet room to change and there you had a panic attack and you broke the mirrors with your fists  and started crying and shouting." She understood as she remembered the bandages on be hands and injury on his forehead. A look of guilt crossed her face. "And when you were about to lose consciousness, you said the name 'Krishna'."

"Krishna ? So?"

"So , the thing is that..." He didn't know how would she take it.

Shetukala looked at him and her eyes brimmed with new tears. Questions swirled in her eyes. He looked into them and pressed his lips and nodded.

She touched his face carefully as if feeling he was real and not a dream just like she had dreamt his voice behind that green curtain so many times.  He was here. For real . Not a dream. Not a delusion. But very very real and in front of her. Not her Daktar babu, not her Batakrishna , but her Krishna.

Shetukala jumped on his chest taking him off guard and they both  fell on the floor. She dipped her head into the crook of his neck , and cried bitterly. " I....I had tried to find you so, so much. I ... I wanted to thank you for all what you did for me. Thank you, thankyou so much. Thankyou so much."

" Shetu! It's not needed. It's ---"

She lifted her head and looked into his eyes. "No, it is needed. It is needed. If I'm alive today, it's all because of you. If i have courage enough today to fight this case, it's because of you.  You have been my saarthi all through this war of Dharma against adharma like Shri Krishna was to Arjun. Do you know , whenever I felt defeated , I would close my eyes and remember that green curtain and thought what you would have said from behind it, had I asked you 'what should I do now?' And it worked all the time. I haven't even thought in my farthest dream that you would be him. But you....why didn't you tell me , you were talking about your own brother , your Dada? Why did you hide? "

"Shetu , I had come to your ward against the rules. If my identity would have leaked ,my admission would have been in danger."

"Oh !"

"Yes . I thought if  you asked someone else about me or would complain about me , I would be finished, and so would my medical career. So I couldn't tell you." He smiled sheepishly.

"Okay . I guess this worked. I had asked many people in the hospital about you."  She giggled embarassingly.

"Were you in love with him already?" He blurted out and regretted instantly but now there was no going back. The arrow was shot. This question had nagged in his mind a few times, what if he would not have been her Krishna. What if someone else would have helped her at that moment. Someone else would have taken her heart before him. He needed the security to his heart , in this case.

"What?"

"What if I were not him and he would have been someone else , and you would have found him later. Would you have left me?"

"What ? No, I would never leave you. I... I mean why would I leave you for him."

" Why not?" He pushed further.

"  He saw me when I was invisible to my own eyes. He listened to me , when I had nothing to say. He gave me the medicine of my pain when I had become numb to it.

But you, you made me see myself through your eyes. You listened to my silent cries and talked to my heart. You not only felt my pain but you healed me.

He is my God.  But you, you are my family.  He is my pole star who gives me direction, but you are my company on this difficult path towards my destination. He is the reason I'm living. But you are the reason I want to live for. He is the foundation of my purpose. But you are my sky in which I want to spread my wings and fly. There is no competition between you two. He gave my life a meaning and you have become my life.
The almighty has showered his utmost fate in me, when I got him in you.

I found my God in the person whom I love. Now whether I worship you or love you its the same thing."

His eyes widened and gripped her tighter to his chest. "What ? What did you say?"

"What did I say?" She bit back her smile.

"Just , just now." 

"It's the same thing."

"No  before that."

"Whether  I worship you."

"After  that?"

"What  ? What did I say?"

"Don't  pretend now. I heard it."

"What  Krishna?"

"That  you...."

"That  I..."

"Shetu  ,please. Say it. You know what I'm saying."

Shetukala shrugged.

"Ok  , then I ......I...." He stammered.

"What will you do?" She wiggled her eyebrows.

"I  will... I will..... puff my cheeks and cross my arms and won't talk to you.  Just like boudi. It always works on Dada. It's like a brahmaastra." He said and turned his face away puffing her cheeks ,but couldn't fold his arms as they were on her back holding her in place. 

Shetukala laughed out loud and couldn't stop laughing. He furrowed his eyes more getting irritated, and flipped themselves capturing her beneath him. 

"Don't start what you can't finish, Shetu! It's a very dangerous game." He whispered dangerously a few millimetres away from her lips.

"Just wait and watch, you would be screaming those three words soon with these beautiful lips of yours. " He threatened her as he stroked her lower lip with his thumb, sending a delicious shiver down her spine.

Shetukala eyes widened and her chest heaved in shallow breaths as Batakrishna lowered his face towards her on open terrace and she closed her eyes tightly. He smiled seeing her and kissed on her forehead softly.

He lifted himself off , along with her. She tried to move away but he locked her with his arms around her waist making her sit on his lap. "Now let this Krishna feed his Radha and open her fast." He took the bowl of shirni from beside and made her eat it.

Shetukala ate the shirni with his hands , and her tears slipped unchecked from her eyes. He wiped them and asked her 'what' by his head gesture, but she shook her head and gave him a watery smile.

***

"I don't understand one thing, why does she remember some things only? And why doesn't she remember that night? ."  Said Batakrishna as he, Subhalaxmi and Anirudh sat in the study to discuss the case.

Anirudh was against including Batakrishna in the case but Subhalaxmi said it could be useful as Shetukala was comfortable with him. And even Anirudhh couldn't deny the said fact.

"See Batuk, our mind has its own defensive mechanisms to protect it. Our brain works in a very calculated manner to protect itself and shut the pain out . In this case, Shetukala's mind is undergoing repression."

" Repression? "

" Yes repression."

" What is repression?" Asked Anirudh.

" It's a mechanism of our mind to protect itself from the painful experiences. In psychoanalytic theory, it means the exclusion of distressing memories, thoughts, or feelings from the conscious mind. Often involving sexual or aggressive urges or painful childhood memories. These unwanted mental contents are pushed into the unconscious mind. So that mind can relax in the present time. But these memories keep on resurfacing time to time when triggered."

"But when she woke up from coma, she remembered that night only. Why is that so?" He asked.

" The answer is same Batuk. Defense mechanism."

"How ? How can remembering bad memories a defense mechanism? "

" In any scenario, our brain forms more connections when something bad happens to us, so that it's memory is stored for longer duration. You might have observed we tend to remember negative feelings more than the positive ones . The reason being, it keeps the brain alert to not repeat the mistakes that led to those feelings. When she lost her memory, her brain couldn't get rid of the intense emotions connected to her emotional part of the brain i.e. amygdala. But the details which are controlled by the conscious mind were lost. And now with time, repression has taken over it."

" What about the case ,dada?"  Batuk asked.

" Uptil now, the case is in control but we lack proper statement and we have zero evidence or other eye-witnessess. The only victim / eye witness we have is Shetukala . And that too not very sure of the details , the defending lawyer keeps on doing re-cross examination defying her statement. The doctor who was in-charge of that hospital where Shetukala was admitted  has given his statement.  It's very difficult to predict the outcome right now. The final hearing will on 6th day from now onwards i.e. after Vijayadashami." 

" Dada, what if we try to remind Shetukala about ...about that night...?" He asked hesitantly.

"What do you think? We haven't tried? We can't pressurise her more, she might slip into aggressive behaviour." Replied Subhalaxmi.

" Yes , Batuk. It's dangerous trying to extract more from her. We have to use some other method."  Said Anirudh.

" Ji, dada."

Hey! If anyone finds  Shetukala's mental health and memory loss confusing , you can ask me. I'll try to explain to the best of my abilities.

I would love to know your thoughts on this chptr.

And this aspect of the mindset of a pregnant rape victim.

Don't forget to vote.

Love you all . Thanku ❤️