A WEEK had went by since chayu had uploaded his last video to youtube, which was the nutmeg make up tutorial. since school had started meanwhile, he hadn't found the time to check the comments yet.

when he came home around 9 pm like usually on the days that he had to work, chayu decided it was time to check them. before doing so he set a poll on instagram, whether he should go live later.

for a second he glanzed at the kitchen door. how about dinner? anyway he soon turned away and went to his room, turned on his laptop and waited.

apparently chayu was aware that his channel wasn't so unknown and he had quite a lot of fans; but then again he felt strange, since he had started youtube mostly for the money anyway. even though when time had went by, he really enjoyed making videos on there.

the problem was just... all those people just saw the smiling, fluffy chayu, who loved dyeing his hair and doing make up.  no one really seemed to recognize how he really felt, not even his friends and it made him feel infinitely lonely.

his laptop had finally finished booting, so i he immediatly went to youtube and opened his new video; eventually there was a small smile tugging at the edges of his lips.

from chrystal: how is your skin already so glowy without make up

chaaaaan: which hair dye did you use to go blonde?

yuyu's fan: i came here the second he uploaded it ~~~

burnt chicken nugget: you are so adorable- i can't even-

sj_han: well, THIS is a look!

mamaciTAN: maybe you should dye your hair in the same shade as your eyeshadow, i think it would look great on you :)

mochiirose: we need a look book for this o.O

actually the kind comments made him feel more appreciated and less forgotten, but then something caught his eyes.

eyyyyyli: you're so ugly, just drown your disgusting self

and this is what always happened, between all the nice people he could only see the one that was poining the finger at him. his mood dropped immediatly, as the only thing he could repeat in his head over and over again was they're right.

in order to distract himself, he took out his phone again. apparently his personal notifications were always dry, but he checked them every five minutes anyway, no matter whether it made him feel even more horrible.

the only notification that he had on his messenger was from jaechol, wishing him a good night. yeah yeah, i'm happy that you're able to fall asleep already. chayu thought sarcastically and opened instagram.

a lot of people had voted for him to go on a live stream, but he really wasn't in the mood anymore; not that his mood mattered too much, so he started the stream anyway. mostly he just read comments of the people watching it, but when he read a mean one again he decided to stop it.

"i'm sorry guys, but apparently i don't have much time anymore. actually i planned to make a q&a video, so i put a sarahah link in my bio. feel free to check it out and leave me a question." and with that he ended the stream.

chayu turned off the laptop and turned off the lights; all he wanted to do was cry, instead he bit his hand so he wouldn't start sobbing. when he looked at himself in that moment his life really felt miserable, yet he knew a lot of people had it worse, which made him feel even more miserable. just why does every night have to be the same?

four days later he sat down to record the q&a video. after he did his intro and a small explanation, he took his phone and scrolled through the questions. actually this wasn't even awkward to him, since he had gotten used to film himself.

"the first question is how old are you? this is an easy one, i'm currently 18 and my birthday is on november 12th." he smiled, while answering some more questions about his make up and clothing he's had been wearing in his instagram pictures.

the further chayu scrolled down, the more personal the questions got; of course he didn't answer everything. then again something stood out in between all the other questions. "hello chayu, for the past year i've been going through a lot and struggled with accepting myself. your channel and your personality helped me to be a lot more confident about myself. you inspired me a lot. thank you so much for everything, i will always support you."

he paused for a few seconds before commenting on it. "that was literally one of the sweetest things i ever heard from anyone! i never knew i could inspire someone with my content, i really hope you're doing better now. you're way more beautiful and stronger than you believe you are, you can do it!"

meanwhile he tried so hard not to cry, though his lower lip probably trembled a little. chayu really wished for this person to be happy and he meant all of the things that he had said.

the problem was just, that he couldn't see it for himself; looking at the camera and the footage always made him even more aware of all his imperfections and he couldn't understand how people called him adorable anyway.

if any of them would see me in real life, they probably wouldn't even recognize me. was something that he used to think frequently. but it's okay, no one has to know my true self or should have to know it.

and his heart hurt anyway.

⇘ten.iepie10 just uploaded a picture.

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well, you could say i'm horrible at coming up with usernames... aaaand i hit 100 reads already, tysm guys!

sorry, there isn't anything interactive in this chapter, but there will be in the next one i promise!

hint: the q&a video will appear again, so stay tuned