Trigger warning: UPSETTING MESSAGE EXCHANGES AHEAD. DON'T READ IF YOU ARE MENTALLY UNWELL. LISTEN TO THE SONG ABOVE INSTEAD FOR SOMETHING SOOTHING. 

December 15th 2612

From: Johan

To: Kenta

Hey there Hikari,

I'm truly, truly sorry that I haven't been emailing you for days. It's not that you're not important to me, you are. I simply have been too busy. Okay, that's a lie, no one is ever too busy to set a time to write to one of the most important people in their life. I have something to tell you but I was afraid telling you this thing could push you away from me and I didn't want that, still don't. At one point, however, I began to think the risk of not telling you is greater than the risk of losing you, so please bear with me and don't make me sad by running away from me, okay?

Hikari, what I'm about to tell you is probably not something I should confess in writing but I'm afraid if I do a video call with you I'd just totally lose my cool and end up not saying anything.

I... I am suicidal. Actively so, not passively. Before you ask, no, nobody else knows and yes, it is related to my family situation with my parents fighting constantly. I feel that I'm powerless in controlling my circumstance and that I've failed my siblings. They deserve a much better older brother. They deserve someone wiser with a good head above his shoulders—someone like you.

I don't have any means to kill myself right now and I'm desperate enough for someone, anyone, to tell me reasons to keep on living. In case I die before I get to read your reply, though, Hikari, let Nardho and Nardhia know that I do love them so much but I'm not strong enough to keep going. Let them know that their brother is a real coward but they do have someone admirable to look up to—you. Also, I think you know how I feel about you. You've been a great source of comfort to me, so thank you for being my best online buddy even through this great distance.

I guess it's sayonara,

Johan

December 16th 2612

5:24 PM Hinotori time

From: Kenta

To: Johan

For the love of everything in the universe, please tell me you are on your phone right now! Can I call you? I'm sorry I didn't see this until a day later but please please please LIVE! I'm about to go out with Akira and Ezie but that can wait, your safety can't. PLEASE DON"T BE STUPID!

7:28 PM Bataplai, Black Elm time

Yes, I'm on my phone. You catch me at the right time. My parents are gone and my siblings are away at my grandparents', it's just me at home contemplating if I should leave this world behind.

5:29 PM Hinotori time

TELL ME YOU ARE JOKING. Okay, fuck asking for your permission, I'm calling!

----

"Dear Kami-sama, just this once, please let things go according to my plan, not Yours."

Kenta frantically put an offering of some spoonful of cold leftover rice on his family's indoor shrine before running back to his room upstairs, telling Akira that he needed to have one-one-one talk with his therapist and that he didn't want anybody eavesdropping. He knew lying was not the best way to go about handling a crisis, but he wouldn't want to make Johan even more tense by bringing a third party into the mix, even if that third party was a relatively trustworthy person.

"Johan, can you hear me? JOHAN! Whatever you're doing, don't be impulsive!"

"Hikari? I... I didn't think you'd actually want to be on the phone with me. Wait, you can use the phone in this way? I thought you said you're Deaf? Wouldn't texting be better for you?"

"I'm enabling the transcription function. Listen to me, suicide isn't the answer. I know, I know, that's the last thing you wanna hear, but you gotta believe me because I've been where you emotionally are right now. I understand what hopelessness feels like. I'm a survivor of suicide attempt and trust me, Johan, if you survive your attempt you're gonna regret even attempting."

"You? A mild-mannered guy like you, suicidal?" there was a hint of both utter disbelief and astonishment in Johan's voice. "I'm gonna give Aiden an earful if I ever see him in person again. Anyway, I—I'm alright. I'm not in immediate danger, but I appreciate you calling me, I—"

"Stay with me!" Kenta fell to his knees and used his free hand to clutch a chair nearby, steadying himself. "Don't go. I have no idea what's on your mind right now, but you are loved. So loved. You may not believe me, but there are people who love you. Your presence is everything to them and your absence is certainly going to make them heartbroken. Don't break their hearts, Johan."

"You mean the twins? Yeah, I know they love me and they cling to me but I don't have what it takes to be their protector. I'm the weakest I've ever been and since I'm already so weak anyway I suppose giving up is the next logical step, but I'm willing to give you a chance to convince me otherwise. So, let's hear it, why shouldn't I end my suffering here? Why should I suffer more?"

"J-Johan!" Kenta's hand on the chair fell to his side and he was struggling to keep his voice from breaking. "D-Dying won't bring an end to your suffering. Instead of stopping your suffering, your death would just transfer the suffering to your family. I know this for a fact. I know this because I asked Akira and my parents what they would have done if I didn't survive my attempt. Akira told me if I died she wouldn't be able to forgive herself for being unable to help much and my parents told me they would probably think of following after me. Do you get what I'm trying to say? P-please live. For yourself. For your family. Also, if you care about me, for me as well."

"Kenta..." the voice on the other side of the phone trailed off. "K-Kenta, I didn't mean to make you feel the depth of my desperation, so-" Johan gulped before blurting out his sentences in the next few seconds. "So please don't cry. I feel so bad that you're crying for me. I'll try to stay strong. I do care, Kenta. I do. So I'll hold on to hope. For myself. For my family. For you."

"That's good..." Kenta sniffled, pulling himself up before resting his head against the back of his chair. "That's very good. Promise me you'd never ever give up like this in the future. Can you promise? If you can't, I'm going to call you every hour, I don't care if I have to p—"

"No need to go to that extreme to save me, Hikari!" Johan let out a soft chuckle despite his voice still sounding shaky. "I promise to stay alive and to contact a helpline if I feel like things are becoming uncontrollable. In the meantime, I want you to know that I'm so immensely grateful I have someone who is so caring. I apologize for being rash and for only thinking about m—"

"No apologies needed. Just calm down and realize life is still worth fighting for, okay?" Kenta rubbed his eyes and let out a long sigh. "Johan, what do you think would happen after death? I don't know much about your religion, so if it's not too personal can you explain it to me?"

"W-Well, uh, are you sure you want to know?" Johan said in a whisper. "If I had died by suicide, then I would have to stand before God. I know there are some pastors who teach that those who are depressed are to be forgiven by God because they are not in their right mind, but personally I believe suicide is one of those unforgiveable sins against The Giver of Life. I mean, Jesus was crucified for my sins and here I am thinking of taking my life, isn't that blasphemous?"

"Uh, I'm not sure I fully understand this crucifixion thing but uh-huh, go on."

"I don't know what kind of explanation I can give you, Kenta, but basically the world has fallen into darkness and Jesus was the Light meant to bring the world out of the spiritual Dark Age. So, dying by suicide would be like rejecting the Light, right? Suicide is a rejection against the promised eternal life the Lord has mercifully offered us humans. It is my belief that the souls of those who commit suicide could never enter God's Kingdom. Oh Kenta, I was so ready to sell my soul to The Prince of Lies and we know once our souls are sold to the Devil it is game over."

"I'm not sure if my understanding of Satan matches yours but yeah, I suppose you were in danger of selling your soul. I'm..." Kenta paused momentarily to blink away a tear. "I'm so happy your soul is intact, Johan. So, so happy. Tell me you'll keep on fighting the good fight."

"I will. Now, tell me, Kenta, what does your religion say about suicide? Is there even the concept of afterlife in Shintoism? Do you become a yokai after a gruesome death and haunt the living?"

"Uh... where should I begin? Okay, Johan, this is gonna be a somewhat roundabout answer but first I'll tell you the foundation of Shintoism. A Shinto like me believes it is everyone's duty to live a life of purity. My family and I, we strive to have pure hearts. One of the many things that constitute a pure heart is a devotion to the ancestors and to nature itself. Do you get me?"

"I think so. What does this have to do with the Shinto version of an afterlife, though?"

"I was just getting there, be patient!" Kenta laughed a little. "Shinto adherents believe that life comes from the ancestors and from nature, so to take one's life is to disrespect the ancestors and nature. In addition, it is easy to think of suicide as a victimless crime but the truth is that it is an act of violence toward one's self. Shintoism deeply condemns anything violent and of course suicide makes the list. Now, onto the Shinto afterlife. In general we don't dwell too much on the afterlife since our focus is on having a good life right here in the human realm."

"But you guys do believe that the afterlife exists, right? That the spirit realm exists, I mean."

"We do. We believe our souls go on existing even as our bodies perish. There are two ways our bodies can perish: nigitama and aratama. Nigitama means our bodies stop functioning naturally, either due to disease or old age. Aratama is the opposite; it is when our bodies perish because someone kills us, we kill ourselves, or we get into an unnatural accident that causes our death not to adhere to the natural order of things. Those who die in a state of aratama can become hungry wandering spirits, unable to join the spirit realm until their otherworldly hunger is satisfied."

"Ah, interesting, so aratama is kind of like when the spirit holds grudges or have an unfinished business?" Johan asked enthusiastically as if a lightbulb went off in his head. "Intriguing!"

"Mm-hm, you can say so. Hey Johan, this is out of topic but... Have you ever crushed on someone who isn't a Catholic? Speaking of, what's your opinion on interfaith relationships?"

"I have. In fact, right now I'm in love with a non-Christian and I think..." Johan coughed before stammering. "K-Kenta, I-I think the person I'm in love with might love me back b-but.."

"But you're too scared to tell him? Johan, if you think he loves you then what's stopping you?"

"If I do pursue a relationship with him, I'm gonna go against everything I've been taught about my whole life and I'm not sure if I'm ready to be that brave. How can I gain such bravery?"

"I don't know. I just don't. Johan, I too am still looking for the bravery to live authentically and be unapologetically me. Maybe... maybe it takes time? So just pray for it, I guess?"

"Okay. Let's pray together. I don't know how Shinto prayers work, but is it okay if I start praying to the Lord and you finish by praying to whatever deities your families believe in?"

"Sure!" Kenta couldn't help squealing. "You may begin, Johan. Lead the prayer."

"Dear Lord, my friend and I are standing before You to ask for Your blessings in the form of true courage. Please don't turn us away. Although our prayers may not be perfect, our intention bears neither falsehood nor ill-will. Everything is possible in Your name. Please grant us our wish..."

"And dear Kami-sama," Kenta said after Johan's strings of sentences, "please let that gift of courage flourish and grow just like how you let my family's apple blossoms turn into the reddest, most delicious apples to make pies with. Let our courage bloom beautifully and be fruitful."

"In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Amen."

"Please hear our sincerest prayers. Arigatou gozaimasu."