A C H R O O U S

DEF : colorless; achromatic.

私は死にたい。

TW: PHYSICAL AND MENTAL ABUSE,, SELF HARM AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS. 

16.6.1979

THE HEARTBREAK CLUB! ㅡ broken youths dwelled in the darkness of black hole again. their hands and legs were bound tightly to their bodies, their mouths dripping honey blood and screamed in agony when they felt thousands of little needles prickling their skin - they opened their eyes and saw roses burgeoned on their scars and bruises, which made them sighed in relief. broken youths told me that scars and bruises were aesthetic, but i knew it was a different story - broken youths had learnt how to mask and hide their emotional pain well so they could blend well into society. they're all broken youths, plastic hearts and shattered dreams, trying to find a way to live but were despised by their neighbours and also their own families.

they wanted to escape from reality, they wanted to live a normal life as other teenagers did, they wished they could open their hearts and let flowers grow inside their lungs, they wanted to be loved, they wanted someone to bring them a star so they could follow the light and see the clouds again, they wanted to notice the most meticulous things that make them happy instead of plunging into a pool of despair. broken youths struggled to break free when they saw an apparition of a beautiful woman slowly approaching them, her pale fingers brushing their cherry-bruised lips and giving them a peck on their cheeks. they smiled, they thought this woman could get them out from this hell hole but, oh dear - their cheeks were burning, it stung their face like a knife-edged wind. the woman laughed creepily, licking her lips before she stuffed cigarettes and broken glasses inside their mouth, leaving them hanging like broken dusty toys - black holes sucking them dry till they became a skeleton with little marigolds inside their ribcage.

MARIGOLD SYMBOLIZES PAIN AND GRIEF ㅡ broken youths remained broken, toxic family relationships and insecurities, close friends leaving/backstabbing them, and they sew their hearts over and over again till it bleeds, and put bandages on their hearts and told everyone that they're doing okay (i wish you could give me your heart juice, i need love!)

and you - you were one of the broken youths as well.

you couldn't wait to be alive again, you couldn't wait to move out of your parent's house so that you could live in peace! you didn't have an exact plan of where you're going, and you couldn't just wander around the streets because nasty things were going to happen to you if you stayed in this town for even a single second - everyone hates you here.

you didn't know why you were born in the first place, your parents were abusive to you and you didn't know why you were holding on for so long. it was so painful to the point that you just wanted to scream your lungs out but you restrained yourself from doing so. you couldn't breathe properly the moment when you're standing outside your house. you hoped that they went to other places again without telling you, and even just a few hours could actually spare you from unwanted circumstances.

you've learnt that crying, pleading and begging was pointless, you didn't dare to push your father away when his leather belt hit on your skin. your father used violence as a way to beat the imagination out of you and keep your light from shining too brightly;

"failure, obey the rules, keep your voice down, if you are not careful, you will be abandoned..."

every time he beat you, one or a combination of those messages was meant to enter your flesh, like splashing cold water on your burn areas over and over again; as a reminder for you to meditate on and pray through tears.

because broken youths were meant to be broken, and you have lived a miserable life.

you could feel your neighbours staring at you whenever you walked down the streets, you forced yourself to shrug it off whenever they gave you a look of disgust, pointing behind your back and started to gossip about your parents, which they almost killed your classmate's mother. it was said that the tongue was sharper than a sword, there was no doubt of that. a sword wound may heal, but the wound of someone's words breaking your heart might not. you were enraged, you didn't choose to live with them. why did you need to bear the responsibilities even though you clearly knew that it was not your fault? why did you keep running away?

the summer sun beat upon your back relentlessly, forcing beads of sweat down your forehead. summer weather was driving you crazy, and yet you're trying to run away from a bunch of girls from your class. your body, and especially your hair were covered with sticky liquid as they threw eggs on you - you bite your lip when a small rock hits your head, and you could hear the shouts and sadistic laughter behind you. without thinking, you quickly went to a small alley and hid beside a trash can. your body started to tremble when you heard footsteps approaching you. you kept holding your breath, thinking that it would help you to be more quiet. 

"i didn't see her coming here, himari." one of your ex-classmates - aiko,  told her as she snorted with laughter. "are you sure? i think we saw her -"

"don't you believe me? mari chan?" her childhood friend asked her innocently, the red-haired female shivered as aiko called out by her nickname, a hint of sarcasm going right over her head. himari rolled her eyes as she asked her other friends to follow her to another street, as she was determined to hunt you down. "that bitch stole my money, how annoying! i'm so going to beat her until she's begging me to stop!"

you clenched your fist, and your nails dug into your palms. your blood pressure skyrocketed, she made several false accusations of you and people actually believed her. you tried to explain, you hoped other people would think rationally and voiced out their opinions - you wish they could tell himari that everything was just a misunderstanding. you hoped that everyone could give you a chance to clear yourself, but you knew that it wasn't going to happen.

you took a deep breath and tried to calm yourself down. after that, you stood up and noticed a crumpled piece of paper beside you. you hesitantly took the paper and read it, you have nowhere to run and the only good hiding place, for now, was your house.

"(y/n), run now. i will try to distract them." - aiko

you're on the brink of tears when you see this little note that aiko wrote for you. you thought everyone in this town was cruel, one of your neighbours witnessed the whole situation when you're running away from the girls, your eyes pleading him to save you, maybe he could invite you over to his house and wait until the sun sets, or maybe told the girls not to chase you again because you didn't do anything to them - but he didn't, he didn't even try to save you, you saw him quickly went back to his house and shut the door. at that moment, you could feel your heart shattered into pieces, why were they doing this to you?

you sighed loudly, putting the note inside your pocket. you were crying when you're running towards your house, you didn't feel like going back and yet this was the only solution for you to get rid of the bullies. your legs get really wobbly when you're standing outside your house, staring at the wooden door. you took a deep breath before you went in, you pushed the door open a crack, the smell of cigarette smoke lingered around the house. there were clothes scattered around the dirty floor, candy wrappers so old that turned into dust on the table, and a half-eaten bacon cheese sandwich lay on the chipped blue plate, accompanied by two empty beer cans. your mother was sitting on the sofa, taking out a cigarette from the pack and placing it on her lips, you waited for her to remove the cigarette from her lips as you wanted to inform her that you're back. she turned around and saw you standing there, and her face immediately darkens to a deep red and you knew that she was angry.

"(y/n), where is my food?"

"shit. I must've dropped it when I was...getting chased by the girls..."

just when you wanted to explain, your mother stood up and shoved you away, getting her keys and purse while glaring at you. "you can't even do a simple thing right! what are you?! an idiot?!" she let out a groan of frustration before opening the door.

"just die already." her words stung harder than a slap across the face.

you really wanted to cry right now, but you knew that it was impossible to cry when your father was going to come back after an hour. he will hit you with his belt again if he saw a single tear in your eye,

"why are you crying? you should be happy that i'm your father ! why are you crying?...why..."

damn it, you didn't want to experience it again. you get new bruises and scars every day, and what if your father used boiling water to splash all over your body? you really didn't want it to happen, it was too...overwhelming for you.

you quickly went to your room and shut the door, wrapping yourself a blanket and stared at the wall blankly. the light from the sun shone through the window, but instead of feeling hot, you felt yourself shivered slightly when you thought about those bullies and your parents.

"i've lived enough, i'm so scared...i'm so tired..."

you put the blanket aside as you took out a blade from your drawer and put it on the table. you're trembling, you're struggling to breathe, you're so dizzy to the point that you wanted to bang your head against the wall and screamed - you wanted everyone to listen to you, well, at least giving you a chance to explain yourself, but you never got the chance to voice out your feelings, because they never cared about you, not even one bit. what's the point of living? you didn't have any friends, and your parents treated you badly, so why? why are you still living?

you laughed bitterly, and you didn't hesitate to cut both of your veins. you laid on your bed as your head started to spin. you didn't hurt, you thought you would be actually hurting, which you didn't. that was okay, because you're not a fan of hurting. everything seemed distant and unreal, you had no desire to move. moving didn't seem to be an option anyway. you closed your eyes shut as you could feel yourself dying. but letting go was a relief, right? your breathing was getting slower and slower, your heartbeat - was your heart even beating? you couldn't feel it at all, maybe it had stopped. you didn't mind at all, you've been suffering since you're a child and now it was time for you to rest. the memories floated in and out of your head, as vivid as if you're living through the experience all over again.

suddenly, a light came. you saw something, something at once beautiful and terrible, and you knew it had come for you.

"(y/n) - san."

"(y/n) - san."

you heard someone calling your name, was it a dream?

death wasn't supposed to be like this, isn't it? and now you're standing in your room, looking at your body with pure amazement. you thought they're going to take you somewhere else, like going to a sort of tunnel, with a bright light at the end of it, and angels will be there to greet you. but now, you were still standing there in a fixed position. there was no tunnel, no line of people waiting to greet you.

"(y/n) - san, are you alright?" you turned around and saw a guy who was holding a folder, his blue coloured eyes looking at you with concern. "i know this sounds really awkward but... no angels are coming for you, (y/n). i will be taking you to the afterlife now." you covered your mouth as your face turned red due to embarrassment.

"how - i didn't say anything!"

"i have the ability to read minds, (y/n) - san."

you took a good look at him, he was wearing a black grim reaper cloak and a pair of black shoes. he has black messy hair and slightly thick eyebrows, you could already sense that this man didn't like to talk that much. you sighed and looked at your body again, you could see blood staining on your bedsheets and the blade was on the floor. you winced slightly when you looked at your appearance once again, slightly disgusted by the fact that your mouth was opened wide and your hair was oily and sticky.

your father suddenly burst into your room, and you reacted instinctively in hiding behind the grim reaper's back. your whole body was trembling, you gripped on his cloak as your eyes glued shut, not wanting to know what happened next. "mr.gr-grim reaper, can we go now?"

he chuckled softly and faced you, "yeah and - by the way, just call me akaashi." 

───

NAME : (Y/N)

BORN : 1961

DIED : 1979

sin: committed suicide.

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A/N : oya x 3000 what is this idk what i write omg i'm sorry my writing sucks lmao