Who am I when I feel?
What dies in me when I am me...?

"Ok," He giggled, stumbling over his own feet to get to me, his hands coming out in front of him, "You've had too much,"

"I'm not even finished yet," I drawled, my own mouth in equal size to his, mirroring the grin on his face.
The sun was no longer brightening the forest but neither of us held a single care in the world. I certainly didn't, my eyesight was still making me able to see the glorious boy and his favourite surroundings.
Ethan pulled out a green spray paint and drew lines along the bricks to exaggerate the moss and dead vine linings on the wall.
I watched with awe. He was so fluid.
He then crashed next to me and pulled out both bottles and cracked open the lids, passing one over to me.
I sniffed it, clenching my jaw then deciding to suck up the consequences just for Ethan, I downed a swig.
The crack of a lighter was heard after, he had one hand full with the glass bottle and the other pinched over a cigarette being pulled to his lips.
I could've died a happy man at the sight.
He laughed at my face, expressed that I better not be a lightweight since he wouldn't be able to handle it if I threw up.
I wanted to laugh in his face, I settled with a chuckle. It was too soon for him to know.

"You don't gotta finish the bottle Jazzy!" He lazily tugged on the glass but I kept it firm in my grasp.
I wasn't finished with it yet.

"Get your own," I frowned, keeping the bottle by my side.
He giggled again, kneeling down beside me.
After he had drunk the neck of the bottle, he had persuaded me to drink to the top of the label, making out I had to do it or I wasn't cool.
And because I was cool, I drank further then the label then spluttered at the sour taste numbing my senses.
All to impress a boy, why? Because I wanted him to like me, I wanted him to think I was worthy enough to keep around.
He had cheered me on, then grabbed his own bottle to try and beat my record but was unable to, he coughed some of it up, leaning over a tree but laughing whilst he did it.
Never once had I seen a human regurgitate something then laugh through the process.

"Fuck Jazz! How did you manage that?" He sighed heavily, standing up straight again just to brush his hands from the moss on the tree on his joggers.

"I can just handle it better then you, clearly," I smirked even though my mouth was tingling in such a disgusting way that made me want to scratch at it.
I really couldn't handle it better then him, because he had drunken a little more then me and was still managing to make his way over to me, whilst I was slumped on the floor, back to a tree, barely managing my own words.
He pursed his lips and looked at me, not bothering to try and take the bottle away from me, knowing I wouldn't budge.

"We should sleep here," He suggested after a moment of our silence, "Oh wait we got school we can't," He waited for a moment, "Oh shit we got school tomorrow,"

"S'fine," I blinked lazily, turning my head to look into his cloudy green eyes, "I don't need to go through school again,"
Ethan laughed at my words, his head hitting the bark of the tree just as mine was.
It would only take one head turn for our cheeks to be against each other, even whilst drunk, the temptation for contact was striking through my mind like a man with the urge to kill.

"Do you really think that one day we'll go to heaven?" He wondered, his hand fiddling with the cross around his neck.
I watched him, the metal seemed expensive. I frowned too, unsure on how to answer considering I didn't have the same beliefs as him. I was also caught on my words since everything I said came out as a slur on my tongue.

"I'm thinkin' we stay as ghosts. That could be fun," I shrugged, finally giving up my hold and pushing the bottle towards him.
He scoffed at the action.

"Finally," He huffed, grabbing it.

"Finally," He chuckled, throwing me a can, "We're not gonna get caught. I'm here all the time,"
His words soothed me. I popped off the lid for the paint and pressed on the nozzle, pushing the paint onto the brick.
I wasn't sure what to draw, so I settled on a scribble of yellow paint, plain, boring, but I was unexperienced, I had never done this before, the fumes were too bad.
Something must've shown in my expression too since Ethan was calling a time out to head over to his school bag. He pulled out two black bandanas, each of them ridden in white patterns. He passed one to me, knotting his own behind his head. I knew this wouldn't help entirely, but I was grateful that he had offered a solution.
He picked up his own can of paint and shook it in his hand.
I looked away, I'd be blushing if I were a human. Thank God for this bandana.
Then with three quick, fluid motions, he had added to my scribble.

"Everytime I see that, I'm gonna think of you," He stated innocently.
I turned my head away from the drawing and could only stare at him.

"I want my bed," Ethan groaned, "We shouldn't have gone so far out. I can't even walk in a straight line,"
I chuckled lightly, he was definitely right.
I wouldn't mind staying out in the forest all night, I'd done it multiple times, I was the scariest thing in these forests and Ethan Ferris was intoxicated next to me. That or one of my siblings would be soon to find me and take me home.
It was then my phone buzzed and I reached into my pocket to realize it was a text from Alice.

Alley:
Tracker x

My mind buzzed with confusion then utter dread. Was there a tracker in the area? Was there a vampire close us? Had Alice seen danger?
I shut my eyes, shutting down on my hearing and smell, trying to focus on anything that would make my thoughts have an answer.
Like I'd be able to fight a vampire in the state I was in.
"I'll get my family to get us," I replied, not entirely thinking straight.

"How?" His head fell into the palms of his hands.
Bingo.
Although I wasn't able to think clearly, Alice's text message wasn't to warn me about a nomad with tracking abilities, it was to supply me with an answer to get Ethan and I home safe.

"I've got a tracker on my phone,"
Ethan laughed happily at the answer, dusting his hands on his thighs then standing and heading over to the box of paints.
He somehow wasn't that far gone to remember he needed to hide his equipment, but he was sloppy, he kicked it with his foot in a bush then leant against the wall exasperatedly.
He looked pale, under the faint moonlight, there were dots of sweat on his forehead, as if the action had exhausted him.

"Oh God," He groaned, looking off into the forest.
I followed his gaze, only to start watching him walk into the trees.

"Where are you--?" I went to ask but was silenced by the violent sounds of his vomiting.
I shut my eyes and clenched my jaw tight. Only then did it occur to me I would have to make myself do that too after Ethan had been taken away by one of my siblings.
Great.
I had nothing to blame this on other than myself, I couldn't even use the word love. I wasn't in love with him, I think, I was just addicted to everything he did.
"Who's the lightweight now?" I spoke loud enough so he could hear me.

A dark cackle broke through the disgusting sounds of throw up, but he stayed distanced from me until he was sure nothing else would come up.
"Fucker," He grimly smiled as he walked back.

"Are you OK?" I wondered quietly, only now noticing how my head was pounding, I withstood the urge to groan.

"Are either of you?"
My head turned instantly at the sound of my brother.
"You guys are crazy,"

"Yo," Ethan giggled, leaning against the tree I was sat against, "Emmett, my man,"

"Rose, they're over here," He shouted over his shoulder.
It was a gimmick, I knew this, I could already smell Rosalie in the trees behind her husband.
I did nothing but stare forward to the face Ethan had painted onto my yellow scribble.
I felt all kinds of bad.

"Rosalie too? I've never spoke' to her," He realized, staring to where Emmett shouted in excitement.

"I'm not sure she's in the mood to speak, you both are the reason she's not in bed right now," Emmett smirked and walked over to him, "C'mon, I'll take you home,"

Ethan made a sound of protest, looking to me but the look wasn't returned.
"Who'll take Jasp?"

"Rosalie will, you moron," Emmett nudged his shoulder then gripped his arm carefully.
I could see how softly he touched Ethan, despite being as burly as he was, he sure made up for it with his softness.
But in that moment, I clenched my jaw and forced myself to look at Rosalie who was fixing her hair and walking into view.
I hated it. I felt so incredibly pathetic, so incredibly jealous that I couldn't take Ethan home myself and had to get my siblings to.
I was never drinking again.

"Oh ok," Ethan shrugged, walking closer to the other side of the little dip in the woods, "See ya tomorrow Jazzy,"
I ignored him, keeping my eyes trained on my sister who kept her expression hidden, stupid, since I could feel her disappointment and sympathy as if it were my own.
I waited until Ethan's mindless babble became silence before speaking.

"Don't make me feel any worse then what I feel already," I begged, pleading with her.
She sighed quietly then offered a hand for me to take. I did and pulled myself up, having to use her as a support.

"Carlisle said you need to throw up the vodka then go hunting to undo the affects," Rosalie changed the subject and didn't bring up what I had requested her not to, "Emmett said he'll catch you a big, juicy bear,"
The thought of all that blood made my body have a strange reaction.
My mouth filled with venom and after I'd swallowed it, my stomach lurched and I let go of my sister, worried I'd ruin her outfit with the straight alcohol.
Human liquid and vampire liquids did not mix very well.
Rosalie got the hint and left me to cough up what I needed to. Immediately after I noticed that my head didn't swim and I could walk without leaning to either side.

"You can come back now," I called out, noticing her growing scent as soon as I'd finished speaking.
Although I called out to her, I wanted nothing more then to be alone. I felt so stupid, so pathetic.
I regretted this, I knew I should've left in Rosalie's car. I knew it.
As much as I craved to be around Ethan, to have the delight of his skin on mine. Making up a story to be drunk just to experience half of my hopes wasn't worth it. Especially as it left me feeling terrible after.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Rosalie wondered, sniffing the air then looking towards one of Ethan's art peices.
Something in my expression must've broken through the wall I had built around it.

"No," I replied instantly.
At least not yet anyway.

--------------------------------------

Yooo I feel so bad for Jasper.

He's so conflicted, does he want Ethan? Yes. Does he want to be so vulnerable and easily manipulated into the ideas to know the boy better? No.

It's fine tho, he gets a therapy session next chapter. But he definitely doesn't act the same around Ethan now, at least until he fixes his internal problem.

This is the yellow scribble Jasper drew and the face Ethan did over top of it v

Hope yall are well <3

Rowanoak_26