All of my devotion turned violent.

I could hear him rolling a cigarette under the table and it took every ounce of me to not look. Hearing his sobs in the church last week had left a wake of hurt in my heart that I didn't think could still feel. It was hard for me to come to terms with the fact that the boy beside me, my mate, had feelings for me that he had begged to get rid of.
I wondered what he would do if I fulfilled my fantasies of brushing his hair back from his eyes and kissing his cheek, complimenting him then continuing with my work as if it never happened. I wondered if he'd stop me. Better not find out... yet, anyway.
He licket the paper then folded it carefully, I didn't make it obvious that I followed his every move.
"D'you think you could make me one?" I wondered, whispering to him as Mr. Lawrence spoke about arguments we could make about our project.

He glanced up at me, debating, then nodded and pulled out more tobacco from the pouch. With his free hand, he passed me over the just rolled cigarette that was resting on his thigh. I took it and told him thank you, putting it behind my binder so nobody apart from him would see.
"Did you have any thoughts about our project?" I mused absentmindedly, wondering I he would even let me speak to him.

"Had a couple thoughts," He nodded but didn't say what they were.
So he was playing that game was he? Alright, well, lucky for him I had the instructions branded into my brain already.

"I'm flattered you think I'm the mind reader Dragonfly," I mused, raising a mocking eyebrow.
He let out a small huff, giving me a look. His expression showed nothing to the name given. I wanted him to bring up his art that I had found, I wanted to know about it.

"Ok, how about... not talking to each other is better then having a dorky, stupid, hot vampire next to you that won't shut up?" He whispered my secret but the sas didn't leave his voice.
I was impressed by his quick response, but didn't let it show.

"Hot?" I questioned.
I didn't want to push him too hard, hearing his confession at the church a couple days ago had opened my views up, but I couldn't help being a bit more annoying if my reward was his attention.
His cheeks flared red and his eyebrows narrowed. I could see his jaw clench and how it defined his features a little more. I wished I could complement him openly.

"All your family's hot. Don't flatter yourself Jasper," My name sounded wonderful from his lips, but the attitude of which it was said in was wrong.
I shut up after that, flicking my pen on the table absentmindedly. How were we supposed to finish a project without the starter?
"But if you have to know I want to do something about death being better then life,"

Ok, that was surprising. Was that an opinion or just something he saw from the internet? I suddenly had a thousand more questions that I wanted to ask. I wanted to know more about how he thought.
Maybe it was a religous thing, maybe he was talking about heaven or God, the safety of being in a 'perfect' place and what clarity that would bring.
"Is that what you think?" I asked, frowning a little but writing his exact words onto my paper.

I wanted to tell him that he was wrong. I was dead so I'd know. Most of my family would give anything to life our lives as a human, press the redo button and stay away from the harmful things that made us the outcome we were today.
Emmett and Alice were fond of this life, they enjoyed the strength and ability to repeate things in order to make them right. Rosalie, Edward and I, for different reasons, hated it.
Edward didn't like being a monster, Rosalie didn't like the things that were stolen from her, and I didn't have someone to make me happy.
Well I did, but it wasn't confirmed that he would stay with me and so far our interactions were so off and on it my brain.
But in another respect, death, my type of death anyway, was sometimes beneficial. Personally I thought there were more downsides, but being able to be strong and tackle things that would've definitely drowned you in your human life was a type of redemption I enjoyed.
I used to love my vampire life, I loved the strength, the ownership... that was until it was proven to me that I wasn't as strong as I thought I was by a woman who was supposed to love me.

"Maybe, I don't know yet. You were the one that said to make it personal, let's make it personal," He shrugged, leaning back in his chair.
What I would give to get personal with Ethan Ferris.
I leant back in my chair too, I had no reason to, or maybe I did, maybe I wanted to see my boy from the same angle.

"Do you want to... work on it after school today? At your house," I made sure to add that it wouldn't be in my home.
Humans liked to be somewhere familiar, it helped with their anxiety, I would give the same kindness to Ethan.

"You gonna do something fuckin' weird?" He hissed, his sage eyes hard as he glared at me.
I didn't answer right away and that seemed like a good call. His eyes seemed to soften and then he looked away from me.
His heart started beating louder, a panic. It was times like this when I wished I could feel how he was feeling, to help him, to understand him.
Ethan balled his fists and then brushed his hair away from his face exaggeratedly before looking to me again.
I wanted to bite back at him with the same attitude, the monster inside me clawed at my brain to pursue that but his actions stopped me. I had wanted to say something to make him embarrassed, I had feelings for you before you found out about them Ethan, I didn't do anything weird then, did I? But then he spoke and the master shut down.
"I didn't mean that. I'm sorry,"

I wanted to say that it was fine, but it wasn't and Rosalie would've hit me if I had done. It was time like these where I wished to have Alice's gift to determine what I should do next.
"I'll come round at 5:30, that work for you?" I brushed his apology off, he may regret it, but a little bit of regret was good for some people.

"Yeah," He mumbled, taking his cigarette in hand, spinning it as a distraction.
I didn't need to be an empath to notice the sign of regret. He was guilty for speaking to me like that. Half of me wanted to soothe him from that, the other half of me wanted to bask in that, enjoy it. But I wasn't a monster so I leant into the kindness that I felt towards him.

"I can bring you dinner? What would you like to eat?" I wondered, noticing his fingers freezing on the cigarette he held.
He looked like he wanted to object, but didn't voice it. Maybe my determination was evident so he knew I wouldn't take no for an answer.

"Taco Bell?" The blush returned in a smaller amount onto his cheeks.
He was gorgeous, "But make sure you bring a bambi,"

"I'm not sure your mother would be fond of that," I smiled slightly, an attempt to ease him slightly.
It worked.

"Then bring a goats head," He smirked with me, as if he knew the suggestion was terrible of him to say.
I couldn't help but laugh. Of course he would suggest a symbol of Satan to give to the woman who was the complete opposite.
Luckily, Alice had advised to take my motorbike to school today so smoking across town to the interchange was easy since I didn't need to worry about stinking out a car. I had to drive to Port Angeles for the nearest Taco Bell but I did it anyway, it was an easy drive and I wanted to do whatever Ethan had requested.
Smoking without Ethan felt like a crime so I hoped as I stopped outside his house that he would offer me one inside.
I suddenly felt nervous, would things go wrong again or would we be able to work on this project peacefully? Whatever the outcome was, I was glad to be allowed this opportunity. I knocked on his door and heard Roofus barking inside.

"Shut up Doofus!" I heard him grumble inside before opening the door.
He looked... comfortable. I'd never seen him look so relaxed in clothes before. His hair was thrown all over his face, he wore some blue shorts with a matching jacket halfway zipped up and a white shirt underneath. On his feet, he wore some white socks with yellow faces on them.
"Hey Jazzy, come in,"

My eyes met his properly, excited to hear the nickname.
"I didn't know what to get you," I lifted the bag of food and handed it to him, "So I just got you their most popular menu item, hope that's ok,"

"Thank you so much," He smiled at me and it felt like a waft of fresh air had just hit me.
I breathed in and relaxed into my surroundings, following him silently up the stairs to his bedroom, even more excitement filling me. I hadn't been in his bedroom before and I had wanted to. I wanted to see his personality on his bedroom walls his wardrobe and clothing collections. I wanted to see the place where he devoted his time to.
But when he opened his door and we walked inside, I was hit with bland gray walls and a recreational painting of Jesus Christ staring right at me.
I frowned immediately. His bedroom was just like the rest of the house--so religion orientated.
Was Ethan not allowed to have a personality in his own safe space?

"Sorry 'bout that," He jumped onto his bed and pulled the painting down, "Mom insisted I had a picture of Mr. J.C in here,"

"No posters?" I wondered, finding it a little eerie.
He was 18 years old yet his room, where he slept nightly, looked as if it was a storage space for a wardrobe, bed, a couple shelves and some personal hobbies.
In the corner of his room there were some heavy lifting weights, he looked like he used them a lot. Behind his door was a guitar that was collecting dust, and scattered on his floor was some clothes. He didn't seem to be embarrassed with the messy clothes like any normal teenager, he just seemed embarrassed at the design choice.
I was about to ask him if it were his choice but I realized my mistake. Ethan was like a ray of sunshine. This was not his choice. He had a personality so capturing that it could set the world ablaze in jealousy.

"No," He mumbled, watching me sit down on his bean bag chair, "I want to put stuff up but it has to be approved by Mom first,"

"Why?" I tried and successfully hid the true extent of my annoyance.
A kid should be able to act like a kid and decorate like a kid and show interest in things like a kid. It was his own room dammit.

"I'm a fan of rap music, I really like Eminem. If you think my Mom's gonna let me put up a poster of Marshall then..." He scoffed softly whilst unwrapping his food.
He looked at me for a second as he bit, then shook his head softly, deciding not to voice what he was thinking about.

"No, I don't want any," I mused, fighting a smile.
He looked dumbfounded.

"You said you weren't a mind reader," Ethan objected as if I had lied to him.

"I'm not," I smirked, "You're just predictable,"
He went to make a sound to object but frowned and sighed. I was right and he knew it.
Not only did I have the game instructions of Ethan Ferris next to me, I also knew how to cheat.

---------------------------------

Jasper waiting in queue not knowing what to order Ethan at Taco Bell:

Aha, no but real talk.

Jasper has had nearly 200 years to come to terms with his sexuality and in this he's cannon to be bisexual right?

Ethan is 18, born and raised with toxic religous beliefs from his mother and has never once in his life had feelings for another man besides Jasper, so this is all new to him.
Bro is so confused.

BUT... it doesn't necessarily give him the right to be an ass to Jasper like he is. As RainbowGoddess12 pointed out, he's giving Jasper major whiplash just like Edward.

When is finally going to stop? 😫😫

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