Jay didn't want to leave the comfort of his cozy room where he was away from the blinding light of the sun and the judgement of the rest of humanity. Where he could let a blade dance on his skin and make his arms look like red rain as blood pooled on the floor. Where beauty didn't matter, where being strong didn't matter, where Nya didn't matter.

    This means when he was invited to a casual outing he wasn't really on board with going out in public even if everyone else jumped at the chance. Then again, they actually wanted to go outside while Jay just wanted to stay in bed and stare at the ceiling all day without moving a muscle. Nevertheless, if he wanted to keep his title as chatterbox then he kind of needed to talk, right?

"Hey guys, want to go on the roller coaster?" Nya asked, pointing directly at the large attraction. The neon blinking lights did nothing to soothe Jay's headache and the noises that it produced sent shivers down his spine. He remembered the time perfectly, he and Nya were trapped in it during another outing, where they were both chained to the cart and almost killed by the serpentine.

"Nah, I'm good." Jay deflects casually, leaning on the wall of the bathroom, a flash of putting on a scarf while he was covered in scales came to him and he cringed, pushing himself off of the surface. Everything reminded him too much of that incident where he failed everyone, especially the water ninja, Nya. Nya, he hated how she dominated his mind, how the thoughts of their failed relationship haunted him at every turn, how looking at the new couple he could feel so mocked. He felt disgusted that he was jealous, he shouldn't be, he should be happy for his ex. He's pitiful.

"Yeah! Let's do this." Kai agreed, running to the line immediately to get his turn while the others decided. His determined expression to get on that metal junk was so fierce that everyone probably knew he wasn't going to leave until he got on the cart and had a spin. "I've never been on a roller coaster." Zane shrugged, calmly walking over to join Kai who fist bumped the nindroid and started chatting with him. "Good idea babe." Cole, his ex-best friend commented, enlacing their hands together and going over to the other two with heart eyes.

"Not in the mood." Lloyd shared, standing next to Jay with a smirk. He crossed his arms and looked at the other with a curious expression. "You okay Jay? It's not like you to turn down a ride." He asked, eyebrows furrowing and green eyes filling with concern for the blue ninja. Damn it, he's observant.

"I'm good, rollercoasters just bring back." He hesitated if he should even share the information but if he left the green ninja on a cliffhanger now he would continue to pester him about the subject. Jay swallowed his pride and decides to just say it. "Unpleasant memories." He sighed, his sapphire orbs avoiding eye contact with Lloyd's emerald ones while he rubbed the back of his neck, feeling his own ginger hairs tangle with his fingertips. He cringed, trying to comb the small hairs without pulling too hard to no avail. He had forgotten to brush his hair in his dread to be under the watchful eyes of the sun.

"That's." Lloyd trailed off, thinking about what he could possibly say. "Unfortunate to hear." He finished, looking at the blue ninja with a sense of understanding, after all he couldn't stomach going to a museum unless it was absolutely necessary to go. After everything that's happened in those types of environments. "Yeah, it kind of is." Jay agreed with a small smile, locking eyes with the green ninja for a second before breaking eye contact.

"Well then, I'm going to get something to eat. I didn't grab breakfast this morning cause I slept in, wanna come with?" Garmadon offered, stretching his arms and hearing a satisfying pop come from his back making him outwardly cringe at the sound. Jay thought it over for a second, he felt slightly peckish and even if he didn't feel like he deserved food since he was such a useless shit he shrugged.

      "Sure."

________________________

      After a walk that consisted of small talk and a few jokes they had gotten their food and sat down Jay unconsciously took a second to observe their surroundings. People were laughing and kids were running around and screeching like animals. Even though he was in the most noisy and crowded part of town he couldn't help but feel alone, he turns to Lloyd who had already started to indulge in his four BBQ wing kebabs and was evidently putting in effort to not get his mouth stained.

      Jay looks down at his own meal, a pair of fruit kebabs. He tried to make it as healthy as possible but in a small carnival healthy was practically impossible to achieve, at least he didn't grab funnel cakes or cotton candy like his old self would have. He grabbed the stick and pulled the strawberry at the top into his mouth, making sure to chew with his mouth closed out of respect. "So, how have you been Jay?"

The question was innocent enough but it send Jay reeling, how was he? -drowningsuffocating. How could he give an answer? After a sec without skipping a beat he decided to go casual. "I'm fine, how about you?" He bounces the question back, covering his currently full mouth. His mama didn't raise no slob.

"I'm good. I'm good." Lloyd replied, diligently wiping his mouth with a napkin. "So, got any new inventions that you've been working on?" Jay contemplated for a minute, racking his brain for any new projects that he had decided to start. He remembers when he used to spend all the time in his very small, humble workshop where he would make up new things by the second. Ah, the old times when visiting his parents, settling into the Bounty and the overlord was his biggest problem, not socialising.

"Not really, I've just sort of been busy with other stuff." The blue ninja shrugged, taking another bite from one of his fruit kebabs, letting the sweetly sour taste of a grape explode on his tastebuds as he awaited an answer from the blonde who seemed to be calmly observing his teammate. His green eyes seemed to dig deep past his front to look beyond his shattering mask to find the broken man beneath.

"Like what? Video games?" Lloyd pried, before backpedaling slightly. "Sorry, you don't need to talk about it, if you're comfortable with sharing what you do, then you can. I don't mean to be nosy. It's just, I need to ask. Is there something wrong Jay?" The remnants of both person's food were long forgotten, they seemed to be dancing around the elephant of the room or at least one of them was avoiding the million dollar answer. Jay raised an eyebrow, amused at how the conversation was turning out to be more deep than he originally thought it was.

Jay always knew Lloyd was great with words, or at least he knew how to use them well. He knew how to bend a conversation to his favour without seeming too heavy handed in his choice of questions. He knew how to seem open and comfortable while not too pushy but if he wasn't clear minded to do that then somethings up. "I've just been under the weather recently, I'll be fine. The real question is if you're okay. You seem to be more stressed lately."

   Lloyd chuckles and leans back, crossing his arms. "Yeah, just the team seems to be strained and its been a struggle to get people to step up and do their responsibilities I guess." The blonde sighs and runs a hand through his hair. Jay hums in thought. "Well, I mean, if you ever need help with that type of thing I'm always available, after Morro everything's been calm and we haven't really had anything to do besides small jobs. I don't just want to sit on my ass all day, y'know?"

"Yeah, I kinda feel the same way. It's just restless, we've devoted practically our entire lives to saving people but now that there's no danger you feel..." Lloyd trails off, seeming to not know what word would fit the feeling. "Lost?" He fills in, raising an eyebrow. The blonde nods silently, looking at the table with a far off look in his emerald eyes.

Jay reaches over the table and places a hand on Lloyd's shoulder. "You good?" He asks, blue eyes meet green, the green ninja nods, seeming as if he's looking through the lightning ninja. Jay mentally sighs, another lost soul like him. He leans back and stands up, snapping Lloyd out of his daydream. "Where are you going?" The blonde questions, watching Jay pick up the food that was left untouched.

"Gonna throw this away and head back towards the others, want to come with?" The lightning master offers. Lloyd immediately stands up, not wanting to be left alone in such a crowded environment. He snatches the small cardboard box of cold wings and starts following Jay to the trash can which was on the other side of the lunch area. The blue themed ninja stops, patiently waiting for the other to catch up before continuing their venture in a comfortable silence.

Suddenly they hear a rumble echo through the busy carnival, Jay glances back only to see a huge crack in the pavement where they were previously sitting. The place turns dead quiet for a second, a brave, curious woman steps forward cautiously towards the split in the ground. Jay rushes towards the brunette, dropping the cheap healthy fruit snack and pushing Lloyd behind him. "Ma'am, step back. This could be dangerous." He warns, extending an arm towards the lady who paled drastically when she looked down the massive uneven hole.

"Ma'am, move." He stressed, the woman locked eyes with him, brown against sapphire. She opened her mouth to speak only to be interrupted by a beep before an explosion rung his ears, Jay's vision was clouded with a dust that erupted from the crack. The hole swallowed the bench that they had sat in mere minutes before and he could see the woman fall in with what limited vision he had. His instincts pushed him forward, lunging forward and falling on his chest, locking hands with the -now scared- brunette.

He could hear screaming above him as people rushed to find their loved ones, he felt Lloyd's presence come from behind him, the green ninja grabbed his ankles and pulled him back, attempting to drag the woman to safety. Unfortunately the lady's dress caught on the side of the hole, she seemed to realise this and wretched one of her arms from Jay's grip to desperately unlatch the fabric from the dirt. "Lady, stay calm, I can't hold you if you writhe around." She nodded.

Both of Jay's hands steadily gripped her one hand as she reverently clawed at her dress, giving up and just trying to rip it off to escape with her life. "Okay, so, what's your name?" Jay asked calmly, as if he wasn't holding her within an inch of both of their lives. He felt the edge of the hole dig into his waist but he ignored it as he forced himself to be calm for the desperate individual. "Samantha Grayson." Sam replied in a teary voice, a sob ripping from her throat as she silently cried, weakly trying to scratch at her once lovely yellow dress.

     "Okay Samantha, I want you to try to be calm right now. My friend is getting the others to help you out of here, okay?" Jay informs in a steady voice, she nods again. "Are there any grooves in the wall that you can latch onto?" Grayson shakes her head, her eyes clamping shut as tears leak from her eyes.

"That's okay, that's okay, that's fine." He insists, praying to the First Spinjitsu master that they were close to them, his hands weren't going to last much longer and as much as he hates to admit it, his grip was significantly slipping on Samantha's feeble, smooth hands. 'I wish I lifted more weights, Cole could grab onto her for hours, no problem.' He thinks to himself.

"Am I going to die?" She asks abruptly, her eyes flying open and staring deep into his, filled with a sad acceptance of her demise. He feels determination. "No, you're not going to die." He assures firmly. He grunts, adjusting his grip from her delicate hands to her forearms, getting a better hold on her. His upper body screamed at the strain of holding her but he wouldn't let himself fail, especially when someone was looking so desperately at him, she looked resigned.

He heard the shouts of his teammates, recognising their voices instantly. "They're here." He says, tone coated with relief, Samantha visibly brightened, holding onto him harder, even to the point of digging her beautifully manicured nails into his lightly tanned skin.

He felt his heart drop when he looked behind her, seeing the bottom of the deep pit brighten with a red lighting, it wasn't strong enough to reach up and alert the civilian but the words made a feeling of dread pool in his chest. '0:1' it read before beeping. The sound identical to the first time. They wouldn't make it.

Millions of apologies ran through his head, Samantha's eyes dilated in horror as she realised what was about to happen. He felt the pant of his gi be tugged on as he was ripped away from the crack, leaving Sam behind to her fate. Her scream was cut off by an even larger explosion, it singed Jay's clothes, the ginger barely reacted. He was lightheaded from inhaling so much dust, and the screams of Samantha Grayson echoing through his head as she met her demise replayed. It felt like hours and seconds at the same time.

"-ay. Jay." He heard someone call out, his bleary, unfocused eyes met Zane's ice blue ones. "We need to leave, you've received a concussion and a cut at your waist, we need to check if you didn't break or fracture anything." Zane explained, both of his hands suddenly appearing on Jay's shoulders. His vision was blurry and could barely focus on anything but the yellow dress that she wore, it and been pristine up until she had been in his arms, clinging for life or death.

"Did she make it?" He heard Kai cry out to Cole whom dug through the debris to search for the civilian. The silence that followed crushed his heart to bitter pieces, it was heavy with loss and sorrow. A mutual understanding passed through their team, she was gone.

Jay dug his dirty, sweaty palms into his eyes -the ones that had held onto Samantha with promise for rescue only to be buried underneath stone all the same- and he sobbed. Everything else was nonexistent to him in that moment, all he could focus on was her hopeful face as they came closer to rescuing her and then her screams of anguish and pain before she was silenced forever. Samantha Grayson didn't walk the same Earth as them anymore.

And that made Jay's already broken soul shatter into dust.

______________________________________________

Survivor's guilt
sur·vi·vor's guilt

noun
a condition of persistent mental and emotional stress experienced by someone who has survived an incident in which others died.