Words can be like honey, sweet but can also be like knives, painful.

-Author Valerielizzygamer 2017

_____________________________

Words can be like honey, but sometimes it can be like knives piercing through your heart. You never notice which one you speak until you feel the sting of the same blade you've thrown millions of times yourself hit you straight in your soul.

—Vincent Vinsu Erin 2019

___________________________

Jay sat at the dinner table, a napkin on his lap and food already placed on the table, people's plates were filled to the amount of the edible substances that they could stomach, most of the men's palates were full to the point where it looked like some of it was going to fall off the plate. Jay seemed to be the only male to have favoured for a smaller portion which he would always be self conscious that the others would think he was anorexic or something when in reality they were never really observant enough to notice.

Smiles seemed to be on everyone's face, jokes were thrown into lighthearted conversation causing a few laughs to ring out every few minutes, Jay being the usual one saying the cheesy lines, sometimes Lloyd would jump in and try a few which wasn't uncommon. Honestly whenever the green ninja would give an attempt he would let out a sigh of relief, letting himself take a momentary breather from the internet stolen puns that seemed to fly out of his mouth at an alarmingly fast rate, all with a smile that didn't quite reach his azure eyes.

"You know what they say, build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of the day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be on fire for the rest of his life." The lightning ninja spat with an amusing tone so convincing that Jay had the right mind to excuse himself, go to the bathroom and wash his mouth out with soap and take a cup of bleach even if he knew it wouldn't compensate for all the disgusting words that's left his lips. Most of the table let out a chuckle or two and left it at that.

Kai wasn't amused at the joke but different to Jay himself, he wasn't afraid to say it. "That's a horrible joke dude, I bet I could come up with something better than that." The hothead challenged the blue ninja. Jay was taken aback from the comment but he kept the expression of shock that threatened to show buried underneath his smile, not even letting his eyebrows raise or his eyes widen even a millimetre.

"You're just jealous I'm so shockingly funny with these jokes." Walker retorted in defence to what felt like a personal attack to the one thing he could do right, repeat phrases from google like a broken record. "Your turn."

"I don't take orders, I barely even take suggestions." Kai replied sarcastically, his ego swallowing him up to the point of ignorance. The red ninja leaned back on his chair, jutting his fork into a slice of honey glazed steak and shovelling it into his mouth. "Now, would you like to be annihilated or are you going to give up now?"

He set off something in Jay that even he didn't know he possessed, the ginger clutched the napkin in his lap with a grip a bit too tight to be normal. He felt a pit of dread form in his stomach when he heard the murmurs of encouragement to turn this into an actual verbal game of ping pong and he started to worry about how the metaphorical ball would probably end up hitting his very vulnerable mental health straight on. Not like he could stop it now.

"Bring it on." He dared the fire ninja, not wanting to appear like a coward in front of the rest of the group, feeling a sense of sick familiarity at the dilemma he faced. He perfectly carved a brave expression on his face, his eyes narrowed enough to show he was determined but not so much that he seemed angry, his lip stretched into a fine line. It looked like it took years to be handcrafted but was contorted onto his skin in mere seconds, it didn't let show any of the sense of fear that started to swirl inside of his head.

"Okay, let me just take a second, you won't mind, right? Just got to fix a hair or two and I'm ready to spit fire." Kai retorted, pulling out a mirror out of nowhere and adjusting a few of his hairs to form perfect spikes on the top of his head. "There, perfect."

      "What? You don't know how to look like anything but a porcupine?" Jay roasted, his thoughts going miles a second at the repercussions of his words. His grip on his silk napkin increased tenfold, his knuckles starting to turn lighter. His breathing started to deepen, trying to mentally control himself from fleeing the room.

"You were looking? Huh, didn't notice. Now, take a picture, it lasts longer." Kai snapped back, his glare now venomous, as if daring him to open his mouth and respond to his taunt. Now leaning back to let Jay's mouth form words that he would be able to deflect with ease.

Jay's mouth was dry, he licked his lips as his brain racked for something to say to his opponent before coming up completely empty. He gave an easy smile, as if he had been joking about the entire thing 'play it off' the blue ninja's subconscious told him. "Nah, I got nothing." He gave up in a funny manner, slinging his hands up to a surrendering position and gave the hothead the win.

Seeing them surround the red ninja with claps on the back and high fives made a light jealousy blossom in the lightning master's chest and the lightning of his metaphorical emotional storm struck him straight on. He felt a burning gaze on the side of his head, he turn to look at what was giving him the sensation only to lock eyes with the green ninja. Lloyd looked at him with a calculating stare, as if he was trying to figure out what was going in inside of his head. He wanted to see the cogs turning in his head, how he thought, how he ticks. Jay wasn't sure if he wanted the kid to understand or to fear the fact that he wanted to figure him out.

You see, Lloyd could be very rational and observant when he wanted to, the kid had done so in multiple occasions in their crazy life or death missions that they had been thrust into. Sometimes it makes Jay forget that he used to be a child, one that had his childhood pulled out from under him and forced into adulthood so early on. It wasn't fair for him to have to do what he's had to do, then again, when is life really fair?

_______

After the hurtful dinner he had to endure he retreated into his room as soon as he could, not wanting to attract attention to himself and just be alone. Sometimes he wished he could live the luxurious life of isolation, no contact with people he didn't want to, no judgement being passed on by watching eyes that pressured him into the worst personal decisions. If they could even be called decisions in the first place. He wondered how it would feel. Would it be more suffocating than the life he lives now? Would he be trapped alone in his thoughts? Or would his thoughts not be there in the first place, so caught up in madness.

'We are social creatures' Jay supposed. 'Or at least, we're supposed to be.' His eyes traveled around the roof of his room, laying on his bed, his movements would stop every few minutes when his thoughts would pull him in for another round of mental abuse. His gaze eventually landed on his wrists and he narrowed his eyes at the slightly visible scars, he imagines, no, feels shackles on them. Connected to a large steel ball that are enclosed around his forearms without any form of a lock, without a glimmer of hope of escaping cause if he could he would lock-pick the shit out of the chains. It doesn't work that way.

Believe it or not, this wasn't Jay's first tango with depression, he has danced with the devil more than once, he just hasn't been whisked away from the arms of life yet. Every time that he's close they switch partners, and eventually they lock arms in an unstoppable cycle of swinging hips. Genuinely, in the times in which he wasn't with his platonic lover of misery he sickeningly missed it, but when happiness was just about to come to him he would be swept away in the arms of the devil once again.

He couldn't say that he didn't enjoy it though.

Jay has always had a sense of self restraint when it came to the ballroom dance of life and death, clinging onto the arms of those who he knew wouldn't give a permanent effect. He remembers when curiosity led him astray from his usual dancers and that was when he decided to do something new. It came at a high cost. If the marks on his thighs and arms were anything to go by.

All he was waiting for was the break from the metaphorical dance floor but he knew it would never come, life has never stopped for one man and it would never do it as long as it existed. His permanent smile while he waltzed was something he wanted to take off, he felt like a clown with no makeup wipes, a prisoner inside his own head but he had to ignore that as long as wanted the dance of death to continue. Even if the fatigue of the mystical dangerous movements caught up to him.