Trigger warnings: emotional abuse, neglect, paternity tests, and lots of drama.

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Dr Jiminy: Hello, all my crickets. Today we have two very special guests. Mulan.....and SHANG!

*Mulan and Shang enter from behind the curtains and take a seat on the couch as crowd goes ballistic*

Dr Jiminy *shakes their hands* How ya doing Shang? Mulan? Lovely to see you again. Now it's come to my understanding that you want to do a DNA test on your youngest, Lonnie?

Shang: That's right.

Mulan *nods*

Dr Jiminy: May I ask why that is? You both seem rather calm about this considering most people only come for DNA tests when the topic of cheating is involved.

Mulan: Oh no, we're not here because he thinks I cheated.

Shang: Which, for the record, I don't believe.

Dr Jiminy: Oh?

Mulan: Yeah, we're actually here because we want to shut down the rumors and weirdness around people not believing that Shang is Lonnie's father.

Dr Jiminy: O-oh. *mutters* Well, that's a new one. *speaks up* Well, I have the results right here in this envelope. Are you ready?

Shang *grumbles* as ready as I'll ever be.

Mulan: More ready than I have ever been for anything else in my entire life.

*picture of Lonnie in her pjs in the kitchen, smiling pops up*

Dr Jiminy *opens the envelope * In the case of 16 year old, Li Lan-Lei (Lonnie), Shang.... you.. ARE THE FATHER!

Shang: I KNEW IT!

Crowd: OOOOOOOOOH!!!!!!!!

Mulan: WE TOLD YOU SO!

Crowd *looks sheepish*

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Dr Jiminy: Now, Queen Aurora. King Philip. What do you have to say against the accusations that have been leveled against you by your daughter?

Philip, defensive: Okay, so we weren't the most attentive parents but we aren't neglective!

Aurora, quiet: Neglective is a rather strong word for it.

Dr Jiminy: Then what would you call *checks notes* only seeing your daughter during holidays and big royal events?

Philip *dryly* Being a busy royal.

Crowd *starts booing*

Philip *stands up* WHY ARE YOU BOOING ME? I'M RIGHT!

Aurora: She was with family!

Dr Jiminy *looking disappointed* that doesn't make you any less neglective for not playing a bigger part in her life. She's your only child.

Crowd *booing louder and start throwing things*

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Dr Jiminy: Queen Leah, is it true that upon seeing your 18 year old granddaughter's ex's proposal to his new girlfriend, you said and I quote "A lifetime of plans. Gone. Our family status, gone. Audrey, you were supposed to be his queen, and you let him slip through your fingers. Your mother could hold on to a prince in her sleep."

Queen Leah: yes but-

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOO!

Person in the crowd: YOU STINK!

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Dr Jiminy: So, Lampwick was it-

Lampwick: Don't act like you don't know who I am. You've known me for years!

Dr Jiminy, ignores him: Is it true that you can be jealous?

Lampwick: Why? Are you interested Beetle?

Dr Jiminy: WHAT? NO!

Lampwick: Well that's what it sounds like. Sorry Beetle, you aren't my type.

Dr Jiminy: For your information, I am a GRASSHOPPER not a beetle-

Lampwick, waving him off: Tomayto tomahto.

Dr Jiminy: It is not the same thing-

Tiger Lily: Why are you arguing with him? You know you're only making it worse.

Dr Jiminy: It's the principle of the matter!

Tiger Lily: Well Good Luck with that. I'm gonna go pick my daughter up from school and get a slushie.

Dr Jiminy: You can't just-

Tiger Lily *leaves*