DOWNTOWN.
chapter thirty-nine | for all it's worth.

"Jiayi-"' I ignored the unified call from Winter and Chaewon, whereas Shotaro kept his peace. He knew he couldn't stop me. I got into the car, slammed the door, and put on my helmet. The steering wheel irked my fingers, to the point that I continued to readjust. Finally, I got comfortable, turning on the engine. I could hear their calls from the outside, but pretending that my helmet had muffled the noise, I ignored it.

My eyes saw red the moment I hit the gas. Taeyong and Donghyuck consumed my head, an unknown rage driving me to go over a hundred. I swerved a strong left, exhaling shakily, knowing that if I pushed myself to the edge, I would shatter.

I'll shatter again and again, for all it's worth. Just to get it out of my head.

As I took another strong turn, driving over pebbles and pavement, Her name absorbed my last few thoughts: Son Jiah.

"Jiah and he broke up. She cheated on him."

"Although she did cheat, he cheated on her too. He dated multiple women at a time and broke up with them as he pleased. He used to smoke, he used to drink more than anyone in the group. He used to hurt and abuse and harass in cold blood– he used to be everything you are afraid of. Don't be too hasty in thinking that any of that will change because of you."

I felt myself wanting to throw up again. It was only two nights ago that I had suffered so blatantly, choking on his words. Now, I'm going through it again. The more I doubt, the more I want to throw myself off this road, how I want to throw my helmet out the window and go off course.

In my head, I saw them in one frame: The beautiful, jaw-dropping illusion of a potential Son Jiah, and of someone named Lee Donghyuck. I saw the way his eyes stared at her in a way similar to how he saw me, but considering how she's his first, it pained me more than it ever could. I imagined her holding his helmet, I imagined her touching his skin, I imagined him smiling at her the way he smiled at me, I– I imagined–

The steering wheel spun over and over until it was tied to the left, the car spinning from accidentally hitting the barrier. The dizzying scene ended when the passenger side of the car hit the other barrier, my hands rooted to the wheel. I opened my eyes, feet back down to earth. I opened the door, hands trembling. I heard them calling my name, but I didn't bother looking their way.

I swiftly took off my helmet, falling on my back. Facing the clouds, I exhaled heavily, over and over again–and I still felt like I wasn't getting enough air in my lungs.

The deep rage lingered but wasn't gnawing away at me anymore. I knew it was there, but after crashing, it feared the potential of killing me.

"Jiayi," My three friends looked over at me, Chaewon shaking me with her eyes wide open. "Jiayi, can you hear me? Jiayi!?"

"I'm," I paused, mouth dry. "I'm alive."

"God!" She lifted my head and held me to her chest, concern laced in her voice. "I'm so thankful. I don't know what I'd do if I lost you. What happened!? You were on the right path and everything, then all of a sudden the car just– you–"

"Don't bombard her with all these questions yet, Chaewon," Winter warned, hands stopping her from inspecting my face. I ignored their words, not on purpose, but because I was too numb, almost like I lost connection to my nerves. My mouth wouldn't reopen, even if I tried. "Jiayi, if you can hear us, tell us when you're ready. We know something happened."

And the only one in the vicinity who knew besides me was Shotaro. His eyes pitied me, eyes searching each part of my face, suddenly getting closer. He swiped his thumb under my cheek, and as his hand moved, I noticed it was a tear. I was... crying? "I'm surprised neither of you know what happened. Aren't you all close?"

"She came by yesterday and didn't say a word!" Chaewon defended herself, pointing to him. "But you know, don't you? Speak for her!"

"I can't," We stared at each other, his eyes suddenly averting to Chaewon. "It's not my place. I don't even think Jiayi wanted me to know."

"Leave me here," Finally, my mouth opened and said the one thing I prayed for. "I need to be alone."

"Jiayi! We can't just leave you here, you have a few scratches–" Winter grabbed Chaewon, pulling her away. "Hey! Aren't you our doctor? Help her!"

"Helping her will be leaving her here to think," My head shifted back onto the pavement, eyes on the dusk. "Let's go, guys. Jiayi, we'll wait for you by the entrance!"

"Wait, but–!" My ears tuned them out. Nothing moved–all I did was breathe, cry, and think. I lost all motion of my limbs.

"I should be honored to be a Neo, so again, I'm sorry, and–"

"You don't have to apologize so many times. Jiayi. I get that you want to remediate, and I understand that–but you don't have to go to such lengths to make it up to me."

"W-What?" I stammered, furrowing my eyebrows. "What do you mean by that?"

"I'm not stupid," Donghyuck replied. "Although I can act like a fuckwad, I admit that I want to know more about you. I know you wouldn't act out like that just because of him, or because I punched him. It's more than just that."

I didn't reply, causing him to continue. "You might hate to hear it because I once did, but, I'm here for you. I'm not going to push it on you, because the last thing you'd want is to be forced into a corner. Everyone deserves better than that."

No.

Donghyuck bit his cheek. "I'd hate for that to happen. I don't entirely trust him, and the last thing I'd want is for him to do something impulsive and I'd be forced to lay a hand on him."

With a full mouth, I allowed my body to take control, using my right hand and reaching it up to Donghyuck's face. I grabbed his chin with my hands, eventually getting a better grip to squish both of his cheeks. Startled, he could only stare, face turning hot at the touch. "Uh, Ji?"

"Stop acting all high and mighty. Don't hurt anybody," I frowned, threatening him to take caution. "I don't want you to get hurt, either."

"I always get hurt," Donghyuck chuckled. "Getting hurt for you won't change anything."

Jiayi, stop thinking.

"I'm going to beat his fucking ass," I heard Donghyuck say, lunging forward and grabbing Taeyong by his collar. It only took Donghyuck a heartbeat to land a fist on Taeyong's face, the pair getting into a scuffle. "Fuck you, Lee!"

Taeyong laughed as he easily flipped Donghyuck over, landing a punch on the right side of his cheek. "Taeyong, stop it!" I said, but he continued punching, over and over again, while Donghyuck held his arms to his face to protect him.

"Get her out of here," Donghyuck commanded Mark, who sighed in frustration. "I mean it, hyung! Get her the fuck out of here!"

Liu Jiayi.

"Do you love me?" I said. He froze in place, eyes being the only things defying time. They sought a response from me but only found desperation. "I repeat again, Donghyuck, do you love me?"

"Yes," Donghyuck responded swiftly. His chest rose up and down unrhythmically, indicating his nervousness. Even then, his eyes never left mine. "I love you."

You love him, Jiayi.

But I know... it really does hurt.

"Taeyong, where are you going!?"

"Taeyong hyung, maybe it's not right to–" I felt my helmet getting tugged out of my hand, a body stepping over me. His auburn hair came into view, tattoos hidden by a dark black sweater. Right in front of me, he reached out his hand, swallowing.

"Let's talk."

"I don't want to talk to you," I closed my eyes, but he grabbed my arm and hoisted me to my feet. I stood in place, silent, and Taeyong forced me to face him. "I mean it, Taeyong."

"And I mean it too," He looked at the destroyed car. "You shouldn't be driving in this condition. I know I was a drunken mess, and I know what I said–I remember everything, Jiayi. I wish I didn't, and I wish I could reverse time, but–"

"But you already said it," I continued. "And you can't take it back. You can't lie, either. I know it wasn't a lie, no matter how many times you might counter it."

"Do you have any idea what you've done to me, Taeyong? Do you have any clue what I've been up to ever since you told me what you did!?"

"Jiayi, please–" I grabbed his collar, tears falling down my face faster than it ever had.

"LEE TAEYONG!" I screamed in his face, pained. "I hate you. I hate you so much."

And he hated me saying that. I saw his eyes become glossy, averting his gaze to the sky. I shook him, eventually pushing him back. I covered my eyes with my palms, wiping my eyes free from tears. "I'm sorry, Jiayi," He whispered. "I know I shouldn't have said anything. I know it wasn't ever going to be my place. But, I still believe you should've known."

"No," I denied, sniffling. "If I never found out, I wouldn't be feeling like I am right now. I wouldn't feel like Donghyuck's rebound. I wouldn't feel like another woman to him."

"You're not Jiayi," Taeyong shook his head. "You mean everything to Haechan. I was caught up in my own feelings, spewing nonsense that I wanted to see if somehow if anything, it would change your mind."

"Yeah, it did," I exhaled. "It changed everything, Taeyong because now I feel like her shadow."

"You're not," Taeyong furrowed his eyebrows, shaking his head slowly. "You aren't, Jiayi. You aren't."

But as he shook his head no, I nodded slowly, harder and harder every time. "I feel it," I said, hands sweaty. "But, don't worry, Taeyong. I'll stay silent and harden your pride. I won't tell Donghyuck that you told his one girlfriend after his most treasured ex that–"

"JIAYI!" He screamed at me, causing my eyes to close. I heard his heavy exhaling, and as my eyes reopened, his chest rose up and down. "Come to your senses."

"How?" My voice cracked, the pain driving me to insanity. "T-Tell me, Taeyong. How?"

He swallowed, hands rising–but then, centimeters near my face, they dropped. "I don't know. But, you need to," Easier said than done. "You can't keep breaking yourself like this. We need you back on the team and need you back as a person. It feels like–"

"Like you've lost me?" I took a step back. "Takes one to fucking know one, Taeyong. I guess we really are similar. Do you need me back on the team? Is that all that matters?"

But I forgot: he was going to pretend, emotionally, that I was nothing. I nodded slowly, laughing in disbelief. "I wish you didn't call me. I wish, and I'll keep wishing. I'll pretend it really didn't exist."

"Jiayi, please!"

"You–"

"What's going on?" Donghyuck questioned, making us turn. His head slowly turned to the broken car and my helmet in his hands, then to my tears and face, then to Taeyong's displeasure. "Someone say something, or I'll–"

"I have to go," I pushed past the both of them, raking my hair back. I continued to wipe tears, over and over again, even as I tried to push it away.

I heard it in the silence.

A rebound.